UNSHAKABLE (Able Series Book 4) (9 page)

I’m struck, dumbfounded, lost, out of focus for a second. This isn’t how I expected things to go down. I’ve hurt her so much that every ounce of feeling she has for me has seeped out of her heart. I give myself a few seconds to wallow in fear, and her a few minutes to drown in her crazy ideas of me leaving because that’s not happening.

“Are you done with your speech because I have something to say. I’m not leaving this room without you hearing it. That’s the only play here, so how do you want to proceed?”

She shakes her head with an exasperated sigh. “I don’t like you right now, Damien.”

“Well, too bad. I’d love to love you right now,” I say as I take a few steps toward her. “Why don’t you turn around and see it in my eyes. You’ve always said you know exactly how I feel by looking at them. So look! See how much I want to love you.”

A soft gasp escapes her. How I wish she were facing me so I could see how she’s punishing her luscious lips, but force has never been a part of our relationship, if anything control has been.

“I can’t.” She shakes her head again, adamant in refusing me the absolute happiness of seeing her face.

I move a little closer, so close that I can see her body tremble. I hope not in anger, but in sheer anticipation of what my closeness does to her, exactly what her closeness does to me.

Barely hanging on by a thread, a slow release of breath from my mouth creates goosebumps in its wake, and her body expels yet another quiver. “Why can’t you look at me? You hate me that much?”

She exclaims, “No!” Then she stops. “I don’t hate you. I hate the power you have over me. You compel me to do things, to feel things . . . things I’ve buried already. Now . . . now you’re resurrecting them to life, and I don’t know if I could. . . .”

“I compel you,” I utter these three words slowly; hoping she’ll understand the strength behind the word. “I don’t ever want to compel you enough to lose your mind . . . what I want is to
take hold
of your heart enough to make you love only me. I want to
capture
your mind enough to see a future with only me. I want your body to
submit
to mine as mine submits to yours. I want all this but more than anything . . . above everything else. . . . I.Just.Want.You.”

Silence surrounds us after laying my heart on the line. I know she understands everything I’ve said. I know she’s analyzing everything, asking herself if this is really happening, or if this is yet another precursor to rejection from me. Regret fills me. If she won’t turn around to face me, I might forget about control and pin her against the wall.

Desire wins, and in seconds, I turn and hoist her up as her legs instantly wrap around my hips. I’m glad our limbs are on the same page. I walk us over the wall, and my mouth immediately finds hers. My tongue seeks its partner, needing more of her heat against mine. She tastes so good, even better than I fantasized, and my mouth is watering, imagining what all of her would taste like. The need to stop is there tickling my mind, but the desperation to have her skin touching mine, her tongue dancing with mine, her skin rubbing against me as her fingers run through my hair sends a spark of energy consuming all of me.

“We need to stop, baby, while I still can.”

A frustrated groan escapes her well-loved lips as my longing for her intensifies. Controlling my need while she’s within reach is driving me insane.

“You’re doing it again,” she groans against my lips.

“Doing what?”

“Stopping this, putting on the brakes every time we’re about to get down and dirty even though it’s just kissing! It’s still frustrating.”

I pull back from her, surprised at her outburst. “I don’t ever just want to get down and dirty with you. At least, not for our first time. I want to savor every second my tongue grazes your skin, or every time my body touches yours. I don’t want to just enjoy you for a few short moments; I need to enjoy you a lot longer than that. . . . a lifetime. But even that isn’t enough, I don’t think.”

Sighing with a smile she mumbles, “And then, you give that speech! How can I possibly stay mad at you? I don’t just feel your love through your actions, Damien. I feel it in your words. I know this is going faster than what would be deemed as acceptable, but we’ve been fighting our feelings for each other so long. I want to be . . .”

Shaking my head in response, I utter, “I want to be the first to say it . . .”

She covers my mouth with her hand, with nothing but love in her eyes. “You’ve said it already. I want to say it . . . I need to say it on my terms . . .
my words
—
my way
.” She gifts me with her smile that makes me stop and thank God for allowing our paths to cross. “I want to be with you. Now . . . tomorrow until God stops time for us. But I hope it doesn’t anytime soon, because I’ve waited so long for this—how I’ve longed for this.”

She pulls back and smiles at me. “So. . . .” She teasingly smirks at me. “. . . . we’re finally doing this?”

“Yes, baby, we’re so doing this. We need to make the most of this time because my first shift starts in a couple of hours.” I give her wet kisses on her neck which makes her giggle.

“You’re officially mine?” The laughter in her voice sends shivers up my spine. Her happiness excites me.

“Always been yours, Wildflower. Always been.”

“We’ll make it work, I promise. I love you too much to not see this through.”

I pull back and focus on her eyes. “I love you, too, more, than you’ll ever know.”

I kiss her more, loving how her tongue caresses mine. How her moans elicit a convulsive need within in me to take her at this moment, to make her mine. But the power of the promise I gave her dad kills the embers of that desire. I know I can love her without breaking that promise. It’s my hope that the strength of my conviction to fulfill that promise is formidable enough to withstand my weakness for her.

I force myself to standstill. . . . to enjoy this moment with enough restraint to put on the brakes, but with enough passion to bridge her to me—satisfying her—satisfying me. It is, though, not enough to quench the craving I have of her.

Mine
—No doubt about it . . . body, heart, and soul. To deny her or myself of this is more painful than anything I’ve ever felt. I’ve denied myself for far too long.

Yours
—I am hers and hers alone. I’ve been for the longest time and for the longest time I’ve held out on her, and the dam is just about to burst to overflowing.

SOPHIA

Damien: Baby, I’m coming up.

I LOOK AT THE TEXT DAMIEN
sends me then at the time. Five thirty in the morning? What’s going on? A soft knock on my door makes me jump up to open it. I know he wouldn’t be here without prior approval from my parents since he’s a stickler for rules.

Power brakes remember!

He greets me like he always does with a soft kiss on my lips, a bear hug with one arm, a hold on the back of my head with the other while his face is buried into my neck. I love this hold.

“Morning. What’s going on?”

“Wait,” he mumbles. “ . . . want to kiss you some more . . .” he says against my neck.

I wait, savoring his kisses against my skin that both tickle and excite me. He wants to wait until we get married before we do the deed, which gives my girly parts intense vajayjay-angina! It seems marriage is out of reach at this point. We’ve only been together for three months, but it’s something he firmly believes will happen. ‘There are just no ifs, ands, or buts about it’ his words not mine; however, holding off is getting harder and harder the farther we push the imaginary envelope. How he controls himself is beyond me. If given the chance, I’d have jumped him by now. Arguments arise out of sheer frustration on both our parts, but mostly mine every single time he applies the brakes to us—when he breaks our moment.

He pulls back and kisses my lips softly. One peck, of course, turns into something more until we’re both devouring each other. He walks us toward my bed and sits me on the edge of the bed while he squats down meeting my eyes.

“I love you. You know that, right?”

“Oh no. That’s not a good start. Normally when someone starts with that line it means heartbreak.” My said heart beats wildly against my chest.

He strokes my skin with his thumb down to my jaw as he clasps my hand tightly. “I’m not going to break your heart. My talking to you right now will prevent that, as long as you keep an open mind.”

Breathing deeply and exhaling loudly, I say, “So, tell me.”

“I should have told you from the get go. With the excitement of us getting together, your dad’s campaign schedule, and your busy schedule, there just wasn’t any time until now.”

I’m biting my lips now, nervous as hell as to what this is all about. All I can do is wait until he spills it. As I look into his eyes, all I can see in their depths is his love for me. So, I anchor my faith and trust in that. Hopefully it’s enough.

“When I first got here, I met Nicole in a pub.” He stops and looks at me intently, waiting until everything clicks in my brain. The moment it does my shoulders sag and a deep sense of jealousy rocks my heart. “A couple of drinks turned into a couple more. One thing led to another, and I . . . we ended up in bed. It happened a couple of more times when I flew back for my second interview, again when she visited California, then the last times when I signed my lease to my apartment. But once I found out she works for your dad, I told her we can’t see each other anymore. Remember when I got that phone call when we were in your office? That was her asking to meet me, and I did, but only to tell her again that it’s over between us. And . . .” He pauses, and my already stalled heart stops completely. I feel like screaming and shaking the living daylights out of him. “She bought a condo unit in my building, but before you get upset over it, hear me out. I’m bunking with Luke until the end of my lease which will be in a couple of months.”

My mouth is dry, my mind replays ‘we ended up in bed’ on an endless loop. Disbelief, anger, jealousy, and disappointment fight for the top spot for which emotion I’ll let out first. My emotions are a melting pot of colors that turn from black to red just waiting to explode.

And did I hear him correctly? Is she now living where he’s staying? My head is about ready to explode. Upset? I’m beyond that! I’m . . . I don’t know what I am!

He runs his palms against my calves and rests them behind my knees. “Say something, baby.”

I can’t speak. What do I say to that? I know he’s experienced. I’m not naïve enough to think I’d be his first as he’ll be mine. But it still doesn’t make the pain of knowing he’s been with other women hurt any less. How many? At this point I don’t want to know; otherwise, my heart will end up like a pin cushion filled with hurt and nameless, faceless women. What hurts like a dagger to the heart is that nameless, faceless woman now has a name and a face to go with it—Nicole. Someone I see every day. . . . someone who works for my dad . . . someone I can’t just erase from my memory.

“Say something, Sophia. Your silence is killing me. Please.” He rests his head on my lap. When he gets no response, he twines our fingers together.

Only then do I say something, “I don’t know what to say. I suppose I shouldn’t get upset because it happened when we weren’t together. But it still hurts. Nicole, who has been a thorn on my side, has had a part of you that I haven’t had. She’s someone I know . . . someone who hates my guts, and who’ll use this to her advantage! I . . .”

He starts shaking his head. His eyes bore into mine. “You have all of me. That part you’re wanting is still yours. I just need us to wait. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want you. There’s not a second that goes by without me needing you to be under me. There’s no part of the day that I don’t crave the feeling of being inside you. The depths of that need are exactly how you feel, if not more.” He looks away as regret weighs heavily in his eyes.

His words destroy the roots of jealousy that slowly embed themselves in my heart. “Look at me?” I ask, needing to see his eyes. When he does, the sincerity paired with the hurt from his confession breaks me as forgiveness and acceptance blossom within. “Thank you for telling me. I’m hurt because I’m jealous. I’m angry because the intimacy of being with you, you freely shared with her. While I sit here and wait, practically begging for you to give it to me. I wish it didn’t happen. I wish it wasn’t her. I hate that it was, and the more I think about it the angrier I get.” Shock and sadness register on his face, but honesty is what I’m going for, not subtleness. “I’m not going to apologize for the way I feel.”

He avoids my eyes then says, “I’m not asking you to.” His somber voice matches his demeanor and sadly I’m not grief-stricken that he feels that way. “I’m leaving today as part of the advance team for your dad’s visit to New York. I’ll be gone for days and I need to know we’re okay before I go.”

Jealousy comes back with a vengeance when I realize he’ll be in close contact with Nicole. So, this is what jealousy feels like. It practically takes hold of my brain, focusing solely on the most intimate act known to man between two people. In this case, Damien and Nicole—Nicole and Damien, both writhe in ecstasy against a wall or on a bed, maybe on the kitchen floor as he plunges deep inside her while she screams his name. Oh God! I can’t erase it from my mind even if I wanted to.