Unsettled (Chosen #1) (7 page)

Ten

Feud

As I headed into Wellesley, I saw
Darcy sitting on a bench next to a smoothie bar. I immediately turned into a street spot, popped a quarter in the parking meter and headed towards her.

“
Darcy!”

She
looked up and smiled.

When I approached, we immediately
exchanged looks that told each other how sorry we were. When we were within speaking distance, we spoke over each other about the fault and blame from the night of her accident. We held hands over the table as tears almost came to my eyes. Darcy’s mother came out of the smoothie bar and stood still. When we both looked up, I tore my hand out of hers and she started to walk towards the table, sitting down, facing away from me. Darcy looked at her then glanced up at me with a sympathetic smile.

“Well, I
’m glad you’re well. Take care, Darcy,” I said, defeated, and walked away. When I turned around, she had her hand up in a small wave. I knew that was the end of our friendship. Another one bites the dust. Just run away from the pain, Lizzie. There is no repairing the past. Did Darcy and Conner break up because of me? Fuck. I needed to talk to Conner.

I walked into the front door of
my parents’ sprawling white home that lay on the corner of a pristine neighborhood street of Wellesley. I dropped my bag next to the front door and headed to the kitchen for coffee. Mom and Dad were both at work, and if I knew his schedule right, Conner was attending his classes. When I turned into the kitchen, Conner was standing there, talking on the phone with a murmur. When he spotted me, he quickly said goodbye and hung up the phone.

“Lizzie
,” he stated in a hushed tone.

“Yes?” I asked. What fucking now, I thought
, rolling my eyes while I grabbed the coffee pot.

“Lizzie, can we talk?”

I turned around and cocked an eyebrow at him while blowing the steam off my coffee.

“I
’m worried about you. You came home only two weeks ago and while I imagine you are getting… umm… reacquainted with your old friends, you’re never home. You didn’t even call Mom or Dad last night. They were up half the night worrying and I had to pick up the mess, Lizzie. What’s going on with you? The whole thing with Darcy was totally fucked up but now I know you did try to stop her but I’m still angry you drank,” he stated with his hands in his pockets.

“Did you guys break up?” I asked.
He sighed and shoved his fingers through his hair in frustration.

“No. Her mother doesn’t really like you right now because she can’t accept that
Darcy would ever do something that stupid. Being that I’m your brother, I’m guilty by association and only get to talk to her on the phone for like thirty minutes a day.” He shrugged.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew it was my fault but for fuck’s sake, I body slammed the girl. I begged her to wait just an hour or two so I could drink some coffee. If she hadn’t been so quick to get out of there that night
then I know events would have ended differently. But yes, it was my fault. I already felt it, knew it and lived with it every day

“You shouldn’t have
gotten pissed at her that night,” I said blandly. “She wanted to leave because she thought you were going to break up with her if she didn’t rush home.”

He blanched.
I cursed. I bowed my head and gave him a look that reminded him that I was aware of what I had done.

“Listen,” I s
aid. “I’m an adult and have been for over five years. I’m going to school and I’m getting a job this week. Whatever I do in my free time is my business. I am here temporarily. That’s it. Shit, most of my friends are moving in with their boyfriends or freaking getting married! I am not trying to be a jerk and maybe I am, but I have tried to save face in any way possible with Darcy and her mother. I fucked up but I can’t sit around alone and listen to other people tell me what I already fucking know!”

He threw up his hands. “THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING POINT, LIZZIE!”

“Yeah, I figured. Just lay off, Conner. Just forget about me. I’m not your problem,” I replied in a flat tone and walked out of the kitchen. I didn’t want to be yelled at after such a fucking wonderful night with Teagan. Jesus, every time I let loose and was myself, someone jumped in and reminded me how much of a piece of shit I was. Like they needed to tell me that to realize what I already knew. Just once, I wanted to be left alone. Just friggin once.

Conner followed me and continued to
shout. I didn’t know exactly what he said but it was a lot of cuss words about me being a fucking loser. I already knew that, asshole. I turned to stare at him while he continued to yell at me and nodded at him in the appropriate places until he was finished.

“I got it,” I said with finality. I headed up the stairs and straight into the shower. I turned the water as cold as it could
get and stood under it, trembling and crying. Conner always got me right where it hurt and it took a long time to mentally mute him. His words were swords and they hit my weakest points. Even though I always cried after Conner’s outbursts, I’d never let him see me cry. The goose bumps that rose on my arms made me feel dead. I’m alive. I have a purpose. I’m alive. The thoughts just never seemed to sink in. The burning tears quickly merged with the cold water and I leaned my trembling lips into the shower until my tears left me. Cold showers were magic because they took the red out of my eyes.

After my shower, I headed to my room and found it partially open. Conner was sitting on my bed and looking at me as I walked in.
“Look,” he said, “I didn’t want to scream at you. I’m not sorry for it but I shouldn’t have yelled. You just don’t hear anything these days. You aren’t…well, you.”

I pointed my finger at the door while holding my towel up around my chest and
pressing my lips together. As Conner walked by, he dipped his dark red curly head and kissed me noisily on my cheek. When he left, I smiled. Conner was also very good at flipping the good brother switch on me. At times, those lectures made me cry more but today, I didn’t have any more tears.

No matter how mad my brother got, he knew what it was like to have no direction in life.
In the years before I moved out, I watched him drink himself into oblivion over and over. It wasn’t until he got together with Darcy that he tamed his ways. I wondered if Darcy was his drink of choice now. If they broke up, would he go back to his ways? I threw in “Under the bridge” by Red Hot Chili Peppers, turned it up to the highest volume level, and grabbed my guitar. I stared blankly out my window, and strummed my guitar to the song. The CD ended abruptly and I looked up to find Conner in the doorway.

“Are you even going to get dressed?” he asked
, surprised as he pulled his finger from the pause button on the player.

“Yes, Conner
, what the fuck is it now? Do you want a play by play on a day in the life of Lizzie O’Malley?” I asked.

“No, bitchy, there
’s a guy on the phone. Teagan?” He smirked with the phone pushed to his chest. “Do you want me to take a message?” I looked down at my guitar and strummed. Why is he calling me? Jesus, I’m so confused. He was starting to act a little creepy. I just talked to him, and while I was excited that he was obviously interested in me, I couldn’t let myself be consumed by him. I paused and looked up to Conner for an answer. What would he think of this weird summer fling? I almost asked him but furrowed my brow and looked down.

“Ye
s. Tell him I’ll call in a bit. Please get his number. I forgot it,” I said. I couldn’t remember the number. I guess maybe I didn’t want to remember the number. I squinted at the ceiling, 617-555-1751? 1571? 7151? Fuck it.

I overheard Conner telling Teagan I was busy then it was quiet for a minute. I heard him laugh then he slid
a piece of paper under my closed door. “He seems like a nice guy!” he yelled through the door. “I’m off to class. Leave the parents a note…better yet why don’t you fucking call them?”

I rolled my eyes and headed to my closet to get dressed for the day.

Eleven

Little Shifts

Two hours later, the phone rang. I
answered it.“Hello?”

“Lizzie, it
’s Teagan. Aren’t you coming into the city tonight?” he asked.

“Um. I don’t know. I have some things I
need to get done,” I said. I spent the past few hours thinking about this summer fling and strumming my guitar. It was uncharted territory and I was the master of uncharted territory. If I did everything he wanted, I would end up wasting my summer, never trying to reclaim my life back. I was confused about what Teagan really wanted and what I wanted. I came home to make something more of myself. Conner was right about getting my shit together, although I would never tell him that.

I didn’t know what I was doing
anymore. I wanted to be more than a party girl. I wanted to get on with my goals in life, although at that moment, I had no idea what those were. I sighed into the phone, feeling so confused and yet so defeated. I couldn’t fail but something in me nagged that I already was failing. I wanted to feel excellent. I was sick of living inside my mind all the time. The strong desire to shove my head under the pillow and drown out the noise of the world no longer felt appealing to me.

“Don’t be a poor sport. The guys and I are waiting for you right
now. The Littlest Bar. Come now,” he stated and then hung up.

An hour later,
I drove into town and parked at Teagan’s apartment, thankful for an open space. I scurried to Cleveland Circle and took the next available train to Downtown Crossing. As I walked down the beautiful and old pebbled sidewalks, I no longer had apprehension about my tryst with Teagan and the summer to come. After Conner screamed at me, I decided to make some changes. I left a long note to my parents, with Teagan’s number, assuring them of my safety. I felt a sense of relief. I didn’t want to be at home. I didn’t want to be under scrutiny. I didn’t want people that I loved questioning my every move. That’s why I left for Oregon in the first place. But now, I was given the opportunity to do it in the city I adored and with people I hardly knew. Frankly, Wellesley and every other place fell away and I was on my own again. I smiled outwardly because I felt free. I was independent and there was no one to answer to.

The
intense feelings for Teagan grew stronger as I stepped into The Littlest Bar. I was taken aback. Teagan wasn’t kidding when he said it was little. It doubled in size to Teagan’s walk in closet and had at least eighty people crammed into it. Gaelic music pounded through a sound system, drowning out the multiple shouts for more beers and loud conversation. There were no televisions and no seats. That place was the equivalent of a cluster fuck. Holy hell.

I like to pride myself in enjoying a good party but this crampe
d space was overwhelming and I felt an anxiety attack coming on. I lifted my hand to my heart and realized I was being pushed in by people trying to get to the small bar. I stood on my tiptoes, trying to find at least one familiar face. When Teagan looked up to the door in anticipation, his eyes found mine and he gave me the downright sexiest smile ever. I stood still while a shutter passed down into my stomach. He plowed his way through the crowd and handed me a bottled beer. Because it was so loud in the bar, we just looked at each other. The nonverbal conversation was once again intact. We spoke so many words with just our eyes and expressions that I couldn’t wrap my head around them. In that moment, I believed in fate and he was mine. People shoved me from all sides and he noticed. He quickly drew me in front of him, guarding me from the people assaulting me. He threw his head down and yelled, “I’m glad you made it.” I smiled up to him and nodded. His whole demeanor changed in that bar. His first glance at me, when we saw each other, although intense and happy, became something else. I was in his home.  He was at peace in this chaos, holding onto my waist. I squeezed his hand that was on my waist and took a long draw of my beer.

“Have I told you that you
’re so sexy when you drink like that?” he asked. “And, Jesus, you look amazing. I want to strip you down and lick you everywhere.”

Although I heard him, I couldn’t speak. The last thing I ever expected from
a guy was to say my drinking was sexy, and the way my panties just got wet from his words was crazy. I was stunned. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t move. Again, my heart twisted and I felt like this complete stranger knew exactly who I was and accepted me unconditionally. Had I ever craved that kind of praise? Had I ever felt so turned on and so in lust by someone I hardly knew? I shook my head from the thoughts and turned to focus on the ever growing crowd.

Teagan, never loosening his grip on my waist, started laughing and shouting at people around him. I noticed I was only one of five girls in th
e packed space and quickly understood his wrap on me. He was letting people know I was his. Men were looking at me and Freddie, at the bar, glanced in my direction several times. Once our eyes met, I smiled and he nodded slowly. He glanced down at Teagan’s hands around my waist then went back to talking to the bartender, an older, gray-haired Irishman behind the bar. Thick accents enveloped me as I felt myself being swept away in this foreign place only steps away from the familiar city I knew so well. Except tonight, I didn’t know my surroundings at all. For once in a long time, I honestly didn’t give a shit.

“Teagan? I want a shot,
” I yelled.

He smiled down at me and we made our way to the bar where we proceeded to down multiple shots of whiskey.

Hours later, Teagan and I left The Littlest Bar and headed to the T. Initially, I objected because I was having a great time but in no uncertain terms, Teagan whispered that the night was not over. As we stumbled to the T, Teagan put his arms underneath me to keep me straight as we walked over the cobblestone street to the Boston Common station. His hold never faltered even as we passed the turnstile and rushed to get on the next train. Although there were open seats, we held onto the bars as we looked into each other’s eyes. He dipped his head into my hair and started kissing the back of my neck. Then his lips were on mine and as I stood there, swaying side to side with the train, his tongue plunged into my mouth, and we devoured each other during the ten stops to Cleveland Circle station. We didn’t even notice we got there until the automatic woman’s voice came on and announced the stop. Immediately, we tore apart and ran to the doors just before they started to close.

Back in the apartment, we
skipped the pleasantries to his roommates and immediately headed to his bedroom. He took off his tie and dipped back on his bed, face up. When I started to him, he put his hands up, halting me.

His stormy eyes looked up to me and quietly
, he said, “Lizzie, will you please strip for me? I want you so bad. For days, I’ve dreamt and thought of you doing this for me.”

I smiled and
lifted my shirt. I slowly removed my bra and, when I had removed my pants, I stood there with my underwear still in place.

“You have to finish the rest,” I said.

He crooked his finger and we immediately started on each other’s mouths, just as we had on the train. His fingers led up and down my back and he swore.

“I want you, Teagan,
” I whispered over his lips.

He immediately twisted me off him and took control. He
held his body over mine and stared me up and down before pulling a condom from underneath his pillow.

As I smiled up to his determined face, he looked impatient but sheepish. “I want to do this so bad. I won’t be good the first time. I
’ve wanted you since the very first night, so I have to apologize before we do this,” Teagan said.

I put my hand on the side of his face and gave him a quick nod of approval.
Within minutes, he had kissed every part of my body, like he had promised at the bar, and slowly slipped himself into me. Both of us gasped when he was completely inside of me then he looked down into my eyes to make sure I was okay. I smiled and he rolled himself out of me. I closed my eyes and he rocked back into me a bit more aggressively as he reminded me how sexy I was and how nothing had ever felt so wonderful in his life. I said nothing. I just felt the rocking and moaning and the swirling air around me that took me to another exhilarating place.

After
we reached our climaxes, we were both panting so hard we couldn’t even speak. We lay there in the dark and cuddled up to each other. As we got our breath back, he whispered to me, “Lizzie.”

“Yes?” I asked.

“I want this every night. I want this every night with you until I have to go back home. I know you have other obligations, but I have a key for you and I want you here every night, with me, in my arms,” Teagan said in his thick Irish accent with a shining delight in his eyes.

“Umm…ok
ay, Teagan, but where is Cian going to be?” I asked. Of course, I would sleep wherever Teagan wanted me to. I let go of Conner and the expectations from my family and stepped into the Ireland of Boston. Teagan was fun and he paid for all our drinks and the sex was amazing. In just a few days, we knew each other’s bodies like old lovers. He could be sensual one moment and then he became a desperate animal. I didn’t want anything other than that. No strings attached, pseudo relationships might look pretty damn good on me. The summer would be all about being. Living in the moment and enjoying the ride.

“
Ah, Cian. Yes, well, we can make a bed up in the closet,” Teagan laughed.

I
dropped my head on my elbow as I shook my head at him and smiled.

“Teagan, I enjoy you. I enjoy being in your world. My world has been, well, turned upside down and everyone takes me so seriously. But when I
’m with you, that all falls away and I feel safe. I feel like a whole different person. Maybe you bring out the real person in me because I haven’t laughed more with another guy in my life. I haven’t been held like this by anyone. You’re temporary, I know, but I’m okay with that. It’s just fun, and I’ll go on this ride with you until it stops,” I said with excitement.

“Do I satisfy you, Lizzie? In the bed, I mean?” Teagan asked.

I laughed. “There are a lot of things we can experiment with, Teagan. I have no problem with that department. You and I have chemistry. Right from the beginning, I felt a connection to you. The sex is, well, just a bonus. I love being in your arms, you being inside me. Somehow, in some strange way, it just completes our bond. Does that make sense?”

Teagan nodded, smiled at me
, and brushed his hand along my face. I leaned back into him, and as our breaths started to even, all I thought about was the beating of my heart and how nothing could feel more perfect than that moment.