Unsettled (Chosen #1) (18 page)

Freddie came up and put a soft arm around my waist to steady my shaking body and Teagan looked at Freddie
, dumbfounded.

“Teagan, it’s time for you to go back inside. You
’ve done enough to her. Let it go, man,” Freddie said with a scowl.

The tears started again and I couldn’t understand why. I was so furious
, but Freddie’s gentle hand on me made me feel the pain of Teagan’s lost touch. Never again would he kiss my lips or entwine our fingers together. Never again would he whisper that he wanted me and I was the most special girl in his life. He would never look at me the way Freddie was looking at me.

Teagan started to say something back to Freddie. It was obvious
Teagan wanted to get into a shit storm fight with the look on his face. He wasn’t going to back down and that was so confusing. How could he even think about fighting for me when there was another woman waiting for him in the bar? I cut him off by holding up my hand.

“Don’t you ever fucking look or even touch me again. You don’t have anything to say to anyone about me. You just lost the right to even think about me. You obviously don’t care about me. I gave you my complete trust and you just stomped all over
it. Freddie has and always will be a trustworthy friend. But you? ” I questioned and shook my head. “Leave.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his pretty girlfriend in her innocent little dress and black curls, standing right outside the door, looking perplexed. She had obviously heard my last sentence
, and slowly, her hand went to her mouth.

I leaned into Teagan’s ear and took one last whiff of him and whispered, “Look there
, Teag. Karma is a fucking bitch.”

Teagan flew around to find her standing there. Immediately, he rushed over to her and drew her
close, shuffling her through the door, never looking back at me.

I turned into Freddie’s arms
, and he rubbed my back lightly up and down for what seemed like an hour. But even in his comforting arms, he was not Teagan. The pain of his loss seeped in and the bereft took on its force. I pulled away from Freddie and gave him a slight smile.

“I have to go now
,” I said quietly.

“Okay, Lizzie. Can I call you?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea right now, Freddie. Plus, I need to figure out what all this was, what it means now,” I said.

He looked at me with sad eyes.

I put my arm on his shoulder and kissed him on his mouth tenderly.

“Good bye, Freddie
,” I whispered. He tried to pull on my arm but I forcefully pulled it from his grasp and started away from him and from all the hurt of the night.

I walked to my car three blocks down from the bar
, and started to bawl. I don’t remember when Shannon got to the car, but she immediately pulled me out of the driver’s seat and peeled the car out onto the road home.

“Shannon
, one stop before we head to your house,” I said.

She looked over to me with concern. I gave her Teagan’s address. When we got to his apartment, I got out of the car before she turned off the ignition. I ran up the stairs and used my keys to let myself in. Shannon caught the door before it could close and
continued to ask what we were doing.

I immediately ran down the dark hallway to Teagan’s room and flipped the lights on. Woman’s clothes were all over Teagan’s bed
, and I clutched my gut. I went into the closet, our fucking sleep pad, and went to the place where we kept the condoms. I pulled out all of them and threw half of them at Shannon. She gave me a quizzical look.

“Rip them all open,” I said. “He never fucking slept with her. It isn’t in his traditions,” I said as I air quoted
the word traditions.

She smiled and started to rip. Every condom came out and we stretched them open and threw them all over the bed. Shannon disappeared for a minute
, and when she came back, she said, “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

A carton of eggs were in her hands
, and I smiled at her as I pulled out the last condom and tucked it into the bra at the end of the bed. She handed me three eggs and we quickly put them under the sheets and pillows. I threw a few in Teagan’s shoes in the closet and Shannon ran out to put the carton in the trash, making it seem that nothing was out of the ordinary. They would find out when they returned to this room. That made me smile wickedly. Fucking revenge.

As we walked out, I threw the keys to the apartment on the kitchen bar
before we left with the door wide open. I didn’t care if they were robbed. I already knew what it felt like to be exposed and torn apart, and I was certainly going to get over it. That Thursday afternoon at the clinic would be the perfect time to rid him from my soul.

Twenty
-Eight

Goodbye Nobody

Sunday afternoon, I took Shannon back to the train so she could
go home to New York before her hectic work week. I could tell that she was resistant to leave me after what she witnessed outside the bar on Friday. I didn’t want to share anymore details with her after that, so she kept me entertained with movies and music. She squeezed me tight and made me promise to call her anytime I needed an ear to listen. I also had a hectic week ahead of me, and while I was sure it would be different from hers, I knew it would be a far more memorable one.

Shannon made sure I called Sean to let him know I would be returning to his apartment that afternoon
. I could tell from his voice that he was worried and grateful I was coming back to him. I didn’t tell him what I learned on Friday for fear he would defend me in some way. I would try my best to calmly tell him and let him know I would remain strong without Teagan’s support during the coming days.

When I pulled up to his apartment, he was already sitting on the steps with a coffee cup and his rock
er magazine. He looked up and quickly came to my side, grabbing the big bag from my passenger seat and wrapping his other arm around me.

“It felt lonely without you here this weekend,” he said. “I
’ve been thinking a lot about you not having a place to stay, so I talked with my roommate and you can live here as long as you need to.”

I hugged him
fiercely and rubbed his warm back. “Thank you, Sean. It’s hard to believe I don’t have anywhere to go anymore.”

He sighed and reminded me that he was there and I was certainly not homeless. His grip around my waist was gentle and the comfort of knowing that someone cared for me, even through this tragic time, felt nice. It wasn’t everything I
’d ever hoped for, but knowing that I had a couple good friends no matter what was just enough for me to start crying.

“I can’t live with you, Sean. I need to spend a few days with you but I have school and I need to stop living for other people. I
’m a puppet to everyone in my life. I go where I’m wanted and I don’t even fucking want myself right now. I need to find a place in my heart to become strong again, if I ever have been,” I said through my tears.

He nodded and brought me inside, quickly making me a cup of coffee then putting my bag in his room.

“Are you nervous?” he asked tentatively.

“Yes. But
not for the reasons you may think. I’m nervous about what will happen after I heal from the procedure, if I ever do. I’m not making this choice lightly. It’s my baby I’m killing and I don’t think I’ll ever get over that, no matter if I ever have children again. This baby should have been a blessing, not a curse. A curse that has torn my whole circle of people apart,” I said solemnly.

I went to lay on his bed, fatigued and emotional. He sat at the end of
it, going through his CD cases. I watched his back and started to talk.

“You can’t turn around and look at me as I tell you about something that happened on Friday when I was with Shannon
,” I said.

He quickly turned his head to look at me and I gave him the “Don’t fuck with me” look. He turned
back slowly and popped in a Counting Crows CD. I immediately told him to turn that fucking music off. He jumped at my anger and replaced it with Led Zeppelin.

“Talk,” he said, never looking b
ack at me.

“Shannon and I went to a bar in Boston after the show. I found Teagan and his roommates there. Teagan wasn’t alone. His friend
, evidently, is his girlfriend from Ireland. She was cute. She was nothing like me. I could tell that he adored her, and his body language told me she was the most important person in his life. I blew up. I said things to him that I’ll never fucking regret. I could see his anguish but I didn’t care. He was nobody to me anymore and yet, he’s still everything. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him, even if he’s in love with someone else. I suppose this is what Chase feels like right now. The irony of it all is that I told Teagan that karma is a bitch and yet, maybe karma came back to bite me in the ass, after all,” I said with a realization.

He sat there for several moments
, waiting for me to say more, but I didn’t. I sat up and put my arms around him and whispered, “I’m so scared of living my life now.” He tugged on my hands and kissed the palms of both.

“I understand that feeling, Lizzie. We all go through shit that
we regret but this wasn’t your fault. You fell in love with a man that couldn’t ever love you back,” he said. “I felt the same way for a girl once and I didn’t know how to tell her. I just didn’t want to ever be away from her. When she moved to Oregon, I didn’t know how to live my life. But I figured it out. I let go and the pain slowly dwindled.”

I looked at him over his shoulder and smiled. “You know that we would have killed
each other by now, Sean. You’re so important to me that after everything I’ve been through, I would never want that for us,” I said.

He laughed then choked.

“What a fucking asshole you got yourself mixed up with,” he said.

“I know,” I whispered. “No accent will ever
tempt this girl again.”

“Can I go with you to the appointment? Please
,” he begged.

I shook my head and gave him a warm smile. “I can’t depend on anyone but myself now
.”

He nodded. The discussion was over. But inside my head, I continued on. It
was time to fucking grow up. Gone was my youth. Gone were my carefree times. Gone was the man who tore my body and soul apart. All I had left was absolutely and completely nothing. I had no pride. One word couldn’t possible encompass what I felt but if I had to choose just one, it would be ashamed. But one quote kept coming back in my mind. No matter where you go, there you are.

We spent the next three days as we had the previous week. Listening to music started to heal my soul. Listening to Sean’s even breathing while he slept gave me solace. Listening to comedy movies and forcing a laugh reminded me that life goes on.
Life would never feel complete without Teagan in it, but it didn’t matter anymore. I would eventually turn that situation into much more, and I would pay retribution to the world in some way.

Early Thursday afternoon came too quickly and my head was swimming with doubt
and insecurity. My body trembled everywhere, but my heart screamed the most. After packing my bags and a quick kiss to Sean, promising I would call him that night, I left towards the clinic.

As I drove, I thought about nothing. All I did was feel the absolute torture of fear. The clinic was an old house turned into a medical facility. I parked my car under the big
oak trees in the small parking lot and took a deep breath. When I made it to the steps, I was immediately frozen with fear. Two armed guards looked at me with a small smile. One man stepped forward and asked me for my driver’s license while the other one held a clipboard of papers.

“Elizabeth
O’Malley,” the guard said, holding my ID.

The other guard nodded and made some sort of note on the sheet. As the guard handed me back my ID, he quickly scanned the area. I could tell they had problems in the past and I was relieved that these men cared enough for my choice to stand guard. At least someone was.

The first officer punched in a code to the door and opened it for me. He went inside and gave the woman at reception my name. I was solely focused on the woman as she looked down at her papers and nodded.

“You have a few papers to fill out, honey. I have a clipboard here
, and since your procedure has already been paid for, we won’t need anything more than that,” she said.

“What? Paid for?” I asked in astonishment.

“Yes. The young man accompanying you is already in the seating area to the left.”

“I don’t have anyone accompanying me today,” I said.

“Oh. Well, then, there must be a miscommunication. Here, let me meet you around in the sitting room and we’ll get your forms and payment in order,” she said.

I walked tentatively towards the room and scanned it slowly, looking for Sean or Conner, but in the far corner, Teagan sat with his elbows on his knees, looking intently at me. I stared back at him with utter shock. He looked so tired. He looked so amazing. He looked like mine. He stood up to take a step towards me and I stepped back.
The receptionist came around the corner and pointed her finger towards Teagan.

“That young man is who paid today. Is he… do you know him?” she asked.

“Yes.” I scowled.

She didn’t miss my tone of voice. “Do you want him to be removed?”
she asked.

I thought for a long moment. First, what the mother fucking hell was he doing
there? Second, how did he get there? Third, do I want him removed? The question held more meaning than she would ever know.

I shook my head slowly, took the clipboard and went
to sit silently next to Teagan. There was that arctic wall again and he made no move to comfort me. He stayed silent while watching me sit then start to finger the forms. I made sure my arm didn’t brush over his. I made sure not to make eye contact. I slowly filled out the forms, and when I was done, I put them on my lap and reclined back into my seat, taking in the surroundings. Only one other girl was in the room and she didn’t look like she was there for a termination. Perhaps she was waiting on someone?

Just then
, I registered that music was playing through the office. It was David Gray. “This Year’s Love.” Teagan and I both looked at each other in shock. We grabbed each other’s hands and just stared at one another while we listen and held on to every word.
This year’s love had better last. Heaven knows it’s high time. I’ve been waiting on my own too long.

I shook my head out of the daze. Out of the irony. Out of my mind. A nurse came in and asked me to follow her back. I stood, releasing his hand
for the last time, and moved forward after her.

Everything went in slow motion as the
hustle of the nurses and doctor scurried around the sterile room. After meeting with the therapist for a very short time and ensuring that this was what I wanted, she nodded and led me back to the operation room. I took in the sterile surroundings. The stainless steel trays of instruments, the stirrups of the table that I would lay on, the tubes and machines neatly gathered around the area that I assumed would be where the doctor sat. The therapist told me to remove everything from the waist down and cover the rest of my body with a plastic cloth.

Now the nurses were pulling things out of plastic
, sterile envelopes and needles were drawn out and placed on the steel tray. I started to shake and opened my mouth to ask questions but soon there were two nurses by the head of the table, lightly rubbing my arms. Up and down. Up and down.

One nurse was very
quiet as she told me what to expect.

“The doctor is going to check your uterus to make sure you aren’t too late in getting this procedure done. He
’ll insert the clamps, like a regular visit, and it may be a little cold but you will get used to it very soon,” she said.

I felt the clamps and gasped. It
’d been a really long time since I had gone to an OBGYN so it felt so foreign to me. He murmured something about being ten weeks along. I thought to myself. Ten weeks? No, that can’t be right. The condom broke well after that. Holy shit, it wasn’t because of the condom. I sat up and the nurses held me down like I was a prisoner.

“I have to tell Teagan it wasn’t because we broke the condom,” I said frantically.

“Soon,” the other nurse said.

“Now the doctor is going to inject you with a medicine that will numb you so you won’t feel as much discomfort,”
the nurse said in gentle tones.

I could feel the needle. It was
so painful, tears welled in my eyes. I closed them to blank out what was happening. I tried to think of anyplace but there and imagined myself safely tucked underneath my sheets in my bed at home. It would be so warm. This place was so cold. It felt like I was crackling under its intense frozen environment.

Then I felt cramping. I looked up to see the nurse looking at the doctor, who nodded.

“He has just opened your cervix to allow access to your uterus. It will be painful but we’re right here if you need to squeeze our hands,” she said.

Oh my
God, oh my God. The pain was indescribable.
It felt like they were ripping my insides out. Exposed. Never in my life had I felt such agony and I cried out with every inch of me. I felt semi-conscious and the wrecked feeling was worse than any death I could ever imagine for myself.

When I heard the sucking machine turn on, I froze and sat up straight. No, no, no. No sucking. No vacuum.

“Stop!” I yelled.

The doctor sat back and smiled gently at me. “It won’t be for a few more minutes, Lizzie. Then you
’ll be safe and warm.” I was sobbing by then, clamping my legs together and fiercely shaking my head. “No! Stop! I need a few minutes.”