Uninvolved (37 page)

When they got to Becka's house
,
Nate
didn’t move from his seat.

"Please come in
,
Nate
."

"
I not sure if that is a good idea."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"It's just
—
"

Becka unbuckled her belt and crawled into his lap, the steering wheel pushing uncomfortably against her back.
Nate
's hands instinctively rose to her hips. Becka placed her hands on either side of his face and looked into his eyes. She leaned in to kiss him sweetly on each cheek and then his lips.

"Can't you tell how I feel about you?"

"Becka
…
"

"It's like you're punishing me for someone else's actions. Will I ever be good enough?"
H
er voice broke as she said it.

Nate
kissed her hungrily, his hands twisting in her hair. Becka moaned and rocked against him.

Nate
broke their kiss
.
"I'm just not ready."

Becka took a deep breath and slid back into her seat.
Nate
reached for her
,
but she held her hand up to stop him.

"What exactly do you think we are doing here
,
Nate
?
Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?
To actually admit that I like someone
?
You don’t want me
,
but y
ou don’t want anyone else to have
me either? I can't do this any longer
.
I just, I can't
.
"

Becka got out of his car
,
and he didn’t follow her. She waited just inside the door for a minute to see if he would come. When Becka saw his car pull away
,
she sank down to the floor and sobbed.
After some time
,
she went to her room
to change. Becka felt
as though she was moving on autopilot
. She washed her face, brushed her teeth
,
and pulled h
er hair up into a low bun. She
stood there for a moment, staring at her reflection. Who was that girl with the
red-rimmed
eyes?

Nate
texted her that he was sorry. Even though she had been so sure she was cried out
,
his message brought tears anew to her eyes. Why couldn’t he just admit he cared about her? Or was Becka deluding herself? No, not after all this time,
Becka could not believe that. What was she supposed to do
,
though
?
Sit
around and wait for him to figure it out? They had already been at this in some fashion for almost a year.

Becka texted him back, telling him that she just could not do this anymore and to only contact her again if he changed his mind
. Becka cried as she hit send.
Becka knew
Nate
may not ever change and
,
as much as she wanted to be with him
,
she could not let him string her along forever.
Finally,
Becka fell asleep.

The next morning
,
Becka checked her phone, relieved to see a text from Crystal letting her know she had gotten home safely.
Becka called her, hoping it wasn’t too early.

"Sup
.
"

"Hey
,
girl
.
I am so sorry I bailed on you last night."

"I know
.
What’s
up with that?"

"I suck as a friend
.
Part
of me wishes I
'd never have even called
Nate
.
" Becka almost started crying again.

"Uh oh
.
That
doesn’t sound good. What happened?"

"So we left because of that Ian guy. See
,
the reason
Nate
has been so weird about dating was because his last girlfriend cheated on him, get this, with that Ian guy."

"No fucking way."

"I know
.
C
razy
,
huh? So anyways
,
Nate
got all tense and was like
‘
how do you know him?
’
and I'm like
‘
oh my
G
od
,
I just met him.
’
Then Ian followed us out and tried to apologize
,
but
Nate
wasn’t interested because, you'll never believe it
,
he
either proposed to his ex or was going to because he said something about that Ian guy going with him to pick out a ring. Holy shit, right?
So then we get to my house
,
and he says that he doesn’t think it's a good idea if he came inside. Can you believe that? I can't do this
.
I can't let him string me along forever. And the worst part is I know he cares about me
.
I know it
,
but I just
…
I'm just so over this."

"Wow."

"Sorry for laying all of this on you, I feel like such a fucking dumbass when it comes to him. I texted him and told him not to call or text me anymore unless he, you
know, decides that he wants to be with
me. Was that stupid? I gotta be honest
.
I'm kinda freaking out about it right now. What if he never comes around
,
and I never see him again? Did I do the right thing?"

"Oh
,
sweetie
.
I
don’t know. You have to do what's right for you. If
Nate
can't admit how amazing you are
,
then
you deserve better. It just sucks in the mean time because you have to deal with the fact that
Nate
might never come around. To be honest
,
this is the second time I've seen him
,
and the way he looks at you I can't believe he
wouldn’t want to be with
you."

"
Really? You think?
I hope so
.
It
just scares me that I have no idea what he'll do."

"I can understand that."

"So what happened after we left? Did that Ian guy say anything?"

"I ended up going to hang out by the bar, I really was not feeling that Henry guy and that Ian guy didn’t talk to me after you left. I did see him talk to that Henry guy
.
I wonder if he was
talking about
Nate
.
How
random. I did have something cool happen
,
though. The guitarist of that band came over and talked to me. His name is Mitch
,
and I gave him my number. I hope he calls, but whatever
,
it made my night just having him come over and talk to me. Oh my
G
od
.
I
t was hilarious
.
There
was this red
-
headed chick who was trying to get his attention. I kinda think she wanted to kick my ass
.
H
aha! I left not long after that."

"Crystal!
That
is so awesome! Oh my gosh, I totally noticed him checking you out while they were playing."

"Really?"

"Yeah, at least three times."

Becka had to hold the phone away from her ear as Crystal squealed. At least one of them had a good night
,
she thought to herself.
Hanging
up
,
Becka sat on her bed and went back to feeling sorry for herself
, w
ondering
if she had made a mistake.

There was one
sure-fire
thing to get her mind off of
Nate
.
She
was going home for Christmas. Becka had saved up her vacation time
,
and her parents bought her plane ticket. Becka
lay
back on her bed
,
making a mental checklist of things she needed for her trip and presents she still needed to buy.
On
Monday, Becka would be starting a countdown calendar at work.

Christmas was on a Tuesday this year
.
Becka was flying out on the Saturday before and flying back the Sunday after, the day before New Year's. Just thinking of that day made Becka feel all weepy again. She could hardly believe that in a few short weeks it would be the
one-year
anniversary of the first time
Nate
kissed her.
Maybe if she had known then what she knew now things would be different.

Becka h
ad to accept the fact that what
ever happened from this point forward was out of her control. Becka had taken her stan
ce
,
and she had to live with it. Becka walked out to the kitchen and made herself a cup of cocoa. Her stomach was
a wreck,
so she skipped breakfast. Becka made the decision to try not to wallow. She was a big girl
,
and no
matter
what
,
it
would be okay.

When she finished her cocoa
,
she gathered her laundry and started a load. While that was going
,
she pulled everything off of the shelves in her bathroom and cleaned the counter top and shower
walls
. Before taking a shower
,
she moved the first load from the washer to the dryer and started another load. Becka felt almost robotic in her actions but happy that she was accomplishing something.

Becka made herself a bagel after getting dressed. While she ate it
,
she wiped down the kitchen counter
, throwing
away some expired things from their fridge. When her bagel was done
,
she rinsed her dish and loaded up the dishwasher with some dishes
that had just been sitting out, s
witching the dishwasher on before going to collect her first load of laundry. Becka kept like this all day, one chore after another
,
until she ran out of things to clean.

Dave had woken up around the time she had started cleaning the inside of the fridge. He sat down on the sofa with a soda and watched her, curious at what had gotten into her.

Finally
,
he spoke up
.
"Are we expecting company?"

"Nope, just cleaning."

"Everything okay
,
Becks?"

"Nope but what's new
?
"

"Okay
.
feel like talking about it?"

"Not especially."

"
Did I do something?"

"Nope."

"Well if you want to talk, let me know."

"Thanks."

Dave looked at her like he wanted to say more but didn’t.
Becka was grateful for that. If she talked about
Nate
,
she would probably cry
again
.
She
didn’t want to cry so she cleaned instead. Dave had to work that night
.
Once
he left
,
Becka finally stopped cleaning and sat down. For the past hour
,
she had been organizing her closet and setting aside things she
did not wear anymore to donate.

She
had
just about pulled every item she ow
n
ed down
,
sorting it all
.
Everything
but
Nate
's beer bottle.
She stood there for a moment, leaning on the doorframe just looking at it on the shelf. Who gets sentimentally attached to an empty beer bottle? It made her feel weak
.
A
s much as she hated herself for keeping it
,
she could not seem to throw it away. It was a pathetic relic of Nate, and she still wanted him. Shaking her head
,
Becka went back to sorting.