Unfinished (9 page)

Chapter Twelve

I felt numb. 
I wasn’t sure what to think about what had just happened.  I could barely
remember going to my car or the drive home.  Owen’s words echoed in my head. 
I’m
kind of involved with someone
.  Even the echo of the memory tore into me,
causing my heart to contract.  I should have known better than to let my heart
start to believe in whatever was happening between Owen and me.  It was my own
fault.  I’d let my walls down, I’d let him in even knowing that there were
obstacles between us.  Funny how small those old obstacles seemed now that
there was a much bigger one at play. 

I put on my
favorite flannel pants, grabbed a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and sulked on the
couch like an adult.  My mind was a mess.  I spent way too long over-thinking
every conversation we’d had since he came back into my life.  I thought about
our time in Texas and the sweet conversations that we had late into the night. 
Almost every single night, he talked to me right before he went to sleep. Where
was his girlfriend?  Maybe he was telling the truth.  Maybe it really was some
big charade just as he’d said.  But that seemed too crazy even for me to latch
on to.  It didn’t matter that Owen never lied to me.  It didn’t matter that I’d
always trusted him completely or how every action he’d taken with me seemed to
prove how genuine he was, how genuine he always had been.  At least with me. 

But that was
then.  And this new revolution had me doubting it all.  The truth was all mixed
up and there was no way that I could get a handle on it.  Not tonight.

I tossed and
turned trying to find the sanctuary of sleep. It was as if my body refused to
rest, waiting for the phone to ring and my goodnight call to begin.  But it
didn’t come.  I hadn’t expected it to.  I’d told him I needed time and I did. 
I needed it. Still, I missed his voice.  I missed the calm that he brought me
as I let go of the stressors of the day.  I missed him.  Already.  It proved
just how dangerous I’d let this whole situation become.  Once again I was
jumping into something with my full heart, never bothering to check to make
sure that I wasn’t jumping alone.

Things didn’t
feel much clearer the next day.  I was muddling, completely preoccupied. I was
grateful when Cassie shut my door and demanded I tell her what was wrong. 
Unfortunately, she didn’t offer me much in the way of advice.

“I don’t know,
Al.  It all just seems so weird. I can’t figure it out.  It sounds like a
sham.  Like he’s feeding you a story so he can keep you on the side.  Chances
are that he and the chick are super serious.” Not what I wanted to hear, but
she was giving voice to my fears.

 “But,” she
said thoughtfully.  My heart thudded at the word. Hope. She was a real bitch. 
She will take you down every single time. “I don’t know.  I hear the way you
guys talk to each other. I can’t imagine that any of that is fake.  And you
talk to him on the phone all the time. He’s not weird or secretive about it. 
It doesn’t exactly paint the picture of cheating asshole boyfriend.”

“Right?  I
know.  It’s so confusing.  I don’t know what to do. I told him I needed some
time to think about it.  Should I just walk away?  Do I try to be friends? 
What do I do?” I pleaded with her to give me some kind of clear and definitive
answer. I was tired of thinking about it.

“I don’t know,
friend.” She gave me a sympathetic shrug. 

“You are fired,”
I said. She laughed a little and then gave me a serious look. 

“Just give it
a couple of days and the answer will come to you.  You have good instincts.
Just trust in them.”

I sighed, not
feeling better at all. But she was right. I just needed time to sort it all
out. I was trying to force it and I just needed to let it come. 

“You’re
right.  I know you are,” I admitted.  It didn’t make it any easier though.  I
wanted resolution now. Chaos made me crazy. 

*****

I worked hard
on focusing on my job.  I filed away the Owen situation for my subconscious to
chew on and ponder.  Maybe it would have better luck than I had.  Part of me
hoped that Owen would contact me.  It was strange, not talking to him.  He was
such a part of my everyday that not having his little messages pop up was odd
and it made my days go by so slowly. No longer was I completely satisfied just
to spend my working days focused on tasks. I needed his quick banter and his
questions that had us talking randomly for hours. I had come to look forward to
them and the silence between us was hard. 

So by the time
our third day of silence hit I was nearing the point where I needed to talk to
him.  Obviously, I wasn’t coming to anything on my own. It was late as I
crawled under the covers, thoughts of Owen heavy on my mind.  I’d given up
scolding myself for letting him occupy so many of my thoughts. It wasn’t going
away.  I needed to deal with it.  Tomorrow.  I’d call him tomorrow and talk it
out. I just needed some kind of closure.

As if on cue
my phone lit up from the nightstand beside me.  My heart did that familiar
lurch as I saw his face appear on the screen.  I guess tomorrow was coming
early. I grabbed the phone and accepted the call, nervous butterflies dancing
around in my stomach.

“Hi.” I hardly
recognized my own voice.

“Hey. I hope
it’s okay that I am calling.  I know you said you needed some time and I’ve
tried really hard to give it to you.  But I need to talk to you.  I don’t like
this space between us.” His words hit my heart.  This is why I’d avoided him. 
His words always sounded so sincere and so genuine. They could convince me of
anything.  I wanted to believe him, but it still felt dangerous.

“It’s okay.  I
was going to call you tomorrow anyway,” I admitted.

“You were?” He
sounded surprised and it made me smile. Maybe he’d been feeling just as chaotic
as I had. It was nice to feel like I wasn’t alone in my confusion.

“Yeah.  I
thought we should talk about it all.”

“Oh.  That
doesn’t sound good.” I could almost imagine him settling in, preparing for the
hammer to fall down around us. But the truth was I didn’t even know what I
planned to say. I hadn’t gotten that far. I’d just decided to talk.

“No. It’s not
that kind of talk. At least I don’t think.  I don’t know.  I just feel like
there is more to say.”

“There is,” he
agreed.

Silence. 
Neither of us knew where to start. After a long moment, he broke the quiet.

“I’m sorry.  I
should have told you about this whole thing sooner,” he said softly. 

“You should
have.  But it’s done.  I guess I’m still trying to figure out why you didn’t,”
I said.

He sighed and
I could tell he was looking for the right words. “I don’t know.  I mean,
honestly, it felt like two different worlds.  The thing with Anna feels like
part of my work.  I know that sounds crazy.  But I started it up because I
wanted to move further in my job. Harsh, right? But it was mutual and we got
along and things were great. Then we started talking and that other stuff just
kind of drifted away.  Getting to know you all over again has blurred a lot of
lines that I never planned to cross. I feel like we are dancing on this line of
friendship and something more and it threw me for a loop.  Then Texas happened.  I don’t know.  Since then, I’ve been all over the place. The charade
doesn’t appeal to me.  I get resentful and it plays into my job.  I can’t
explain it.  It’s like a tug of war between who I think I am and who I am with
you.”

I thought
about his words, trying to figure out what they meant.  He was talking in
circles and it was hard to nail down what was really happening.  “And who are
you with me?” I asked, unable to stop myself.

“I am the man
I never thought I was capable of being.  Fuck, that sounds so corny.  What I
mean is, my life is a strict set of goals and means to achieve those goals. I
don’t get distracted. I don’t let myself get sidetracked.  But when you are
around or we are talking I just feel…” He paused, looking for words. “I feel
lighter.  Peaceful maybe. I don’t know. I just feel like there is more than my
strict plan.  You remind me of who I used to be before I became so jaded.”

“You’ve always
been jaded,” I laughed.

“I guess.  But
back then I still had some kind of hope, even if I worked at hiding it. You
make me hope.” His words made me sad.  We were so different in this way. 

“But you are
still with her.” It wasn’t really a question. He’d told me as much before.

“Yes.  But
also no.  We aren’t together together anymore.” He let the words hang between
us so I could catch his meaning.

“You mean, you
aren’t sleeping with her anymore?” I wanted the clarification.

“No.  Not for
awhile.  But we still see each other to keep up appearances. We go to dinner
and to functions around town.  As far as anyone knows, we are a couple.” His
voice was tight, bracing himself for my reaction. I took it all in, trying to
process it.

“And you plan
on continuing that relationship?”

He let out a
deep breath.  “Yes, for now.  I know that’s a crap answer, but I have to be
honest with you.  You deserve honesty.  I am so close to getting this
promotion.  I don’t want years of work to go to waste because this whole
charade falls apart.  I know you don’t understand that, you are too good and too
real for any of this to make sense.  But here’s the thing, I don’t want to lose
you.  I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to stay in my life. Especially with
the way I’ve pushed this relationship under less-than-honest pretenses. But, I
still want it. I want you around.”

“And what does
that mean?” I asked.

“It means that
you call the shots.  This relationship is exactly what you say it is.” I could
hear the hope in his voice. I felt it too, the hope that we could make this
whole thing work even with our history and the current entanglements around our
now. 

“Friends?” I
asked, trying out the word.  Could I be friends with him?  Knowing I really
wanted more than that? I would always have that tug on my heart wanting more
from him. I’d had a glimpse of what it would be like and knowing I couldn’t
have it was going to be torture.  Yet, I didn’t feel like I could walk away. 
He meant so much to me and at the end of the day, his friendship was what I
missed the most.

“If that’s
what you want. Of course. I don’t want to mess this up.  Not again.”

I didn’t
really have a choice. I had to do it.  I had to take it on faith that we could
do this.  I had to at least try. I’d regret it if I didn’t.  I just had to be
careful and rein my feelings in.  I could do that.  I would do that. Besides,
he was hours away.  It wasn’t like I had to be in the same room.  Distance was
my friend.  It would keep things as they belonged. No temptations, no awkward
embraces to figure out. 

“Okay.  We’ll
try friends.  But, no more secrets; promise me that.”

“No more
secrets.  I promise.”

“Okay,” I
agreed.

“Friends?” he
asked.

“Friends,” I
said, even though the word felt like a knife to my heart.

*****

Falling for
the guy who is unavailable is never a good idea. Sometimes it doesn’t matter. 
You do it anyway.  I was fighting hard against it.  I fought everyday with
logic. I tried to be rational.  I tried to forget every wonderful moment that I
had shared with Owen and see him as a buddy.  A pen pal.  A faceless string of
words in an email. But that was never going to happen.  You don’t forget a man
like that and you can’t put him in a box and pretend that he is something less
than what he is. 

Each day he
pulled me in a little more. It wasn’t intentional. It didn’t have to be.  But
honestly, when someone is taking such an interest in you, learning the details
of you, you can’t help but connect.  I felt it each day and the battle to stop
it was exhausting.  It went against my normal in every way.

Owen liked to
tell me I was a dreamer.  He always praised me on my ability to feel things and
jump in without consequence.  But in truth, I was logical. I was a planner.  I
wanted to be carefree and take things as they came. I did a good job of letting
people think that I felt that way.  I even convinced myself some days.  But
really, I was logical.  I was cautious.  Even when I jumped in, I had a safety
net waiting for me.  I always reserved the right to doubt.  It was this
constant hum of thoughts that had me feeling like a ball of chaos. 

Cassie was the
only one who was really getting a glimpse of my crazy. I had become multiple
personality Barbie.  Cool and collected friend by day, crazy girl crushing on
her sexy-as-sin friend by night.

I found my way
to Cassie’s office as the day was ending.  She was on the phone, but I ventured
in anyway and sunk down into the chair opposite her desk.  She raised an
eyebrow at me while continuing her conversation.  I waited, peeling the clear
polish off of my nails.  It was a nervous habit.

Cassie ended
her call and stared me down.  “What happened?”

“Owen is
coming to town.”

Her eyes went
large in surprise.  “Reeeally?” She drew the word out, interest piqued.

“He just told
me.  He wants to come to town for our high school reunion.  It’s in two weeks.
Who goes to their reunion anyway?  I don’t think I’m ready for this.” My
stomach was a ball of nerves.

“Don’t be
ridiculous.  It’s fine.  You should see him.  It doesn’t have to be a big
deal,” she scolded.

“I invited him
to stay with me.” I closed my eyes as I replayed the conversation. Cassie
started to laugh and I opened my eyes to glare at her.

“I’m sorry, but
that’s awesome,” she laughed.