Undone (16 page)

Anyone can see that Bugs is in love with Sasha. Any opportunity to touch her or hug her and he’s there. Lucas doesn’t seem to mind or even notice – probably because it’s Bugs. Bugs can get away with stuff purely by virtue of being Bugs. The other boys don’t see him as a threat – at all. I’m willing to bet that
if it was Stu who was all over his ex-girlfriend like a rash, Lucas wouldn’t be so cool about it. Sasha doesn’t seem to mind either; I think she likes the attention. And because she doesn’t see Bugs in
that
way, she can cuddle him or sit on his lap or ruffle his hair without a second thought.

It must drive Bugs crazy. He knows nothing’s ever going to happen there – never in a million years – but he takes what he can get, like a dog waiting under the table for scraps. It’s kind of sad actually. Or utterly pathetic, depending on how charitable I’m feeling.

Even Nina the Pointless Blonde has her own subtle sort of power over Stu. He’s clearly keen for this particular former conquest to become an ongoing one. Nina seems to be resisting his charms at the moment, but it’s only a matter of time. She said as much to me and Sasha the other day. Her exact words were, ‘I reckon I’ll let him have sex with me soon.’ Sasha laughed and said, ‘I knew it!’ A smile was the best I could do, mostly because the thought of anyone having sex with Stuart Hicks was repugnant. And there was something about the way she said it – that she’d
let
him. She would allow him to do it to her. Like she wouldn’t even be a willing participant. Like sex is something that a boy does to a girl, not something they do together. It was disturbing.

*

I’ve been watching them, analysing them, and they have no idea. They think I’m just another harmless girl, filling up the ranks. Maybe they let me in because they realized that Nina doesn’t really add up to one whole useful person.

I’ve decided to go for Bugs first. It didn’t take long to come up with the idea. Captain of the rugby team, with the biggest crush in the world on his mate’s ex? Anyone can see where his weakness lies. And considering what they did to Kai, it really couldn’t be more perfect. I just need to wait for the right moment. I’ve been dropping hints whenever I’ve spoken to Bugs, feigning interest when he goes on about that car of his. Bugs is a year older than the rest of us. I listened to the whole long boring story about some childhood illness that meant he was in and out of hospital. Any kid with half a brain would have been able to catch up on all that missed schoolwork, but Bugs isn’t the brightest crayon in the box so he was kept back a year. He’s reaping the benefits now though – the only kid in our year who’s turned seventeen well before GCSEs. And since he somehow learned to drive before he turned seventeen (I’m sure he mentioned something about an older brother and an airfield but it’s really hard to stay conscious during car-related chat), he’s
on course to pass his test in a couple of weeks. I’ve made it clear that I’m very keen to go for a drive sometime, and Bugs seems more than keen to play chauffeur.

He has no idea what’s coming.

I’ve been dreading Kai’s next letter. And not just because the last one was so brutal. I know what he’s going to talk about, and it’s something I’ve been trying my best to ignore.

He’s right. His birthday was bad. I stayed in my room all day. Mum didn’t even try to coax me out. Just brought me food on a tray, no questions asked. She said she was here for me if I wanted to talk but understood if I didn’t. I tried not to think about how much worse it would be in the McBride house. I tried not to wonder what they would be doing to mark the day. I tried not to think of Kai never getting any older. The boy who never grew up.

My birthday isn’t much better. Mum and Dad and Noah make a real effort to make it special and they try not to look disappointed when I barely manage to crack a smile. Mum and Noah even baked a cake together; Noah’s proud little face almost breaks me. I try to forget that this will be my last birthday. The girl who never grew up.

I didn’t tell anyone my birthday was coming up, and I’ve always had it hidden on Facebook (mostly to avoid the shame of having
nobody
write on my wall, since Kai prided himself on his complete ignorance of any and all social networks). I receive a single card from someone who’s not a member of my family: Jasmine. The last birthday card I got from her must have been when I was about twelve, so it’s a little odd that she remembered the date.

I especially didn’t want Sasha to know it’s my birthday, so it’s definitely more than a little weird that I’m a bit disappointed not to receive a birthday text from her. She does text though, to ask me if I want to hang out at her place tomorrow. She reckons I need a break from GCSE studying, which is a joke because I’ve barely started. Anyway, tomorrow happens to be Sunday. So I guess I’ve completed Kai’s little challenge after all, even if he didn’t actually set it. It’s almost enough to make me smile.

My new top is a little tight; I’m only wearing it because Kai
didn’t
ask me to. Sasha said it’s just going to be the two of us, watching a few DVDs and eating pizza. So it’s a bit of a surprise when Lucas Mahoney answers the door. I manage to hide my feelings and plaster an easy smile on my face when I say hi. He’s not wearing
any shoes. There’s something about him not wearing shoes that makes him look more normal, less Lucas. And I’m not sure how I feel about that.

‘Hey, come on in.’ I wrestle my way out of my jacket in a most unladylike fashion and he says, ‘I like your top. It’s . . . nice.’

I mumble thanks and follow him into the living room. They’re all there, sprawled on sofas or on the floor. None of them look surprised to see
me
, which is irritating. I perch next to Nina on the edge of the sofa nearest the door and listen as the banter ramps up. After the obligatory moaning about revision, today’s topic of choice is Lucas and how he hasn’t had any action since his break-up with Sasha. Lucas and Sasha don’t seem bothered by this discussion in the slightest. Sasha just rolls her eyes and goes to sort out the pizzas in the kitchen. Stu and Bugs are shouting out the names of girls at school and listing their various attributes. Amber and Nina add their (nearly always unfavourable) verdict on the girls in question. And Lucas mostly laughs and shakes his head, with the odd grimace thrown in if he particularly disapproves.

It’s surprisingly easy – and very enlightening – to sit here and just listen. The thing that does my head in is that so much of what’s said are things I’ve thought
to myself or things I said to Kai a hundred times. I can’t bear the idea that I’ve ever had the same thoughts as these people. Like the fact that Bella Colgan has an unusually large head. Or that Caroline Forrest’s eyes are so close together it makes her look like a giant spider. Or that Marnie Dent’s breasts are so big they don’t look like they belong on her body. Amber nods away as if this isn’t the biggest pot/kettle/black situation the world has ever seen.

And then Stu throws a new name into the mix. Jasmine James.
Shit
. I feel guilty every time I see Jasmine – throwing away that sympathy card she gave me was a crappy thing to do, pure and simple.

Everyone’s quiet for a minute, weighing up Jasmine’s attributes or lack thereof. They’re all taking this very seriously – really getting into it.

Amber’s just about to open her mouth when I speak without even thinking. ‘Hermaphrodite Girl?’ They all turn to face me and I can feel my cheeks start to burn. Stu barks out a laugh and Bugs reaches over to high-five me. Nina gives an ugly snort and immediately puts her hand to her face as if she can stuff the snort back up there if she’s quick enough. Amber smiles and takes a sip of her drink. They approve, clearly. Lucas is the only one who doesn’t show any visible reaction.

I don’t even know why I said it. I’ve no idea which ugly dark place in my brain the words came from.
Obviously
it’s not true. Sure, Jasmine maybe looks a little masculine if you ignore the long shiny hair – broad shoulders, no boobs to speak of. And her voice is maybe a bit deeper than most. But not so much that anyone would ever notice . . . until someone drew their attention to it, that is.

I feel sick, but everyone’s laughing and joking and taking the hermaphrodite idea way too far, so no one notices that I retreat into myself. Lucas is the only one who doesn’t join in. He picks up the Sky magazine on the coffee table and starts flicking through the pages.

I have to get out of here. I can’t listen to Stu speculating about what genitalia Jasmine might or might not possess.
Please forgive me, Jasmine. It’s part of the Plan. They
have
to believe that I belong.

I mumble something about helping Sasha and escape into the kitchen. She’s standing in front of the open fridge, staring into it like she’s trying to memorize the contents.

‘Hey, need a hand with anything?’

Sasha doesn’t seem to hear so I repeat the question. She turns and blinks exaggeratedly. ‘Oh, hi. No, I think I’ve got everything covered, thanks.’ She peers
into the oven, then turns to face me. ‘By the way . . . sorry about the ambush.’

I wasn’t going to mention it; I didn’t want to sound ungrateful or pathetic. And I should be glad that I’ve been thrown into this situation unawares so I didn’t have time to get all worked up about it. Playing dumb seems like the best tactic. The person Sasha thinks I am wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the change of plans. The more, the merrier – that’s what Sasha’s version of me would think. ‘Ambush?’

Sasha does that extreme blinking thing again. It reminds me of a robot, even though as far as I know, robots don’t need to blink. She waves an arm in the direction of the living room. ‘I should have told you the others were coming too.’

I shrug and run my fingers along the worktop. No crumbs or tea stains or stray milk-bottle tops here, just shiny perfection. ‘No worries.’

‘I’m just sorry it’s not a girls’ night in like we planned.’ This is surprising.

I smile. ‘I don’t mind at all – the more, the merrier, I reckon.’

Sasha hops up onto the worktop next to me and folds a pair of oven gloves on her lap. ‘He likes you.’

My heart performs an anxious somersault. ‘Who?’

‘You know who.’ A sly smile.

I swallow. ‘Stu?’

‘Ha! No! You’re not exactly his type – and trust me, that’s a good thing. Am I going to have to spell this out for you? Name starts with “L”, ends in “ucas”? Ringing any bells?’

I can’t help but laugh. ‘What are you on about?’

‘He
likes
you. I can tell.’ She looks awfully pleased with herself. The cat that got the cream, with a side order of dead mouse.

‘You’re out of your mind. Why would he . . . ? You’re kidding, right?’

‘Nope. That boy is so easy to read it’s not even funny.’

I don’t know where to look or what to think. She’s watching me, waiting to see how I react. But how the fuck am I
meant
to react in this situation? What are you supposed to say when a boy’s ex-girlfriend (very recently
ex
) tells you he likes you? And how are you supposed to
feel
?

‘I . . . You’re wrong.’

Sasha shakes her head and smiles. ‘Ah, Jem, you have so much to learn. I’m never wrong about things like this. Never. It’s a gift. So what do you think? Reckon you might go for it?’

‘He . . . I mean, you and him were . . .’

She rolls her eyes. ‘Ancient history! Well, not exactly ancient, but you know what I mean. I’m so over that – and clearly Lucas is too. No need to be awkward and weird about it.’ She places her hand on my head and puts on this deep, solemn sort of voice. ‘By the power vested in me as The Ex-Girlfriend, I hereby give you permission to do whatever the hell you like with Lucas Mahoney. I give you my blessing.’