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Brrrriiiiiiiiing. The doorbell cuts into my thoughts.

‘I’ll get it,’ says Niall. ‘Morning Bettina,’ I hear. ‘I’ll get her for you.’

I throw the croissant packet down on the side. What does she want?

I wander into the hallway. ‘I wasn’t expecting you, was I?’

Bettina stands at the door in jeans and a blue cotton blouse with flower trim, her hair is in a ponytail. I expect her to burst into a country and western song any minute.

‘Lauren, it’s rude to keep visitors on the doorstep,’ she replies and walks past me into the house.

‘Did you put the kettle on?’ says Niall, from the lounge.

‘Yes, Love.’

‘Oh fab. Coffee, milk, one sugar, please.’ Bettina moves through into the dining room and sits on one of my comfy brown tub chairs.

‘Two things,’ she says, brimming with cheer. ‘I saw Mrs Sullivan this morning. The fair raised three hundred and seventy-three pounds. She said that about forty-six of that was from your sponge stocks. The book stall raised seventy-eight.’

‘That’s fantastic,’ I say, hoping that my enthusiasm has reached my eyes. Inside I don’t give a stuff, and just wish she’d go away. It’s now a quarter past nine and my quality time with Niall is being eroded by her presence. My arms are folded and I tap a finger against my left arm.

‘I know, and loads of mums at the school have said morning to me today. I feel like I’m actually starting to get settled in now. I’ve arranged to have coffee tomorrow with one of them, so don’t worry, I could be out your hair soon.’

‘Don’t be silly, I like hanging out. It’s just I have a lot on.’

‘Like Monique? Which is understandable, cos she’s your best friend after all.’

‘Even Monique has to take a back seat sometimes. Family comes first.’

‘Don’t you usually meet her on a Monday?’

‘I’m not sure if we’re meeting today, I need to ring her.’ I take a sip of my coffee and then it comes to me. If she knew I was meeting Monique, what is she doing at the house? ‘So, you said two things?’

‘Oh yes, I just wanted to apologise for Tyler again. I think he was just trying to look cool in front of the other kids. It’s hard being the new boy.’

‘There was no harm done, it’s only water. If the weather had been any hotter I’d have quite enjoyed it.’

‘I’ll be honest,’ she whispers, looking over her shoulder to check Niall is out of earshot. ‘It looked pretty hot from where I was. Mr Kingsley still pursuing you?’

I look away. ‘Nah, he flirts, but I’ve put him straight on that score,’ I lie. ‘Look,’ I say finishing my coffee. ‘I’ve got stacks to do today, but how about we meet up on Wednesday? There’s a lovely little market at Chesterfield if you fancy it?’

‘That’d be great,’ she says, rising from her chair and picking up her bag.

The telephone rings. ‘Excuse me a moment.’ I lift up the cordless.

‘Lo? It’s me. Are you coming over?’

‘I was just about to ring you, I’ve got a bit held up at home and so I thought I’d just pop over for an hour this afternoon before I fetch Joe home, is that okay?’

‘I need you now Lo,’ she sniffs.

‘Well, it’s just a bit tricky right now.’

‘I’ve lost the baby.’

I gasp. ‘Oh my God. When? Are you at the hospital?’

‘I’m at home, but I need you. Please?’

There is just the sound of sobbing at the other end of the line.

‘I’m on my way, Mon.’

I sit on the sofa. I feel the blood drain away from my face. Poor Monique, the decision was made for her in the end.

Bettina shouts. ‘Niall, come quickly, something’s wrong.’

Niall comes rushing in. ‘What’s the matter, is it Joe?’

‘Monique’s had some bad news,’ I eye Niall, trying to transmit what I can’t say out loud to his eyes.

He nods and says, ‘Well you’d better get over there.’

I start to gather my things together. Bettina asks if there is anything she can do and I shake my head.

‘Well I’ll just have my coffee if that’s okay with you?’ she says, sitting back down on the chair. ‘Only I’m food shopping next, so it might be a while before I get another.’

‘I’ll make a fresh pot shall I?’ says my husband, in such a sarcastic tone that I can’t believe she doesn’t hear it.

‘Fab,’ she smiles. ‘I’ll keep you company for a bit whilst Lo’s out. You don’t mind if I borrow the company of your husband for a bit do you, Lauren?’

‘Erm, not at all. If it’s okay with Niall, it’s fine with me.’ He looks at me and I see his nostrils flare.

‘You’re so lucky to have such a trusting relationship. I couldn’t have left Danny with my friends.’

I stop and look at her. ‘I’m very grateful for what I have.’ I think of Monique as I say it. I am so damn lucky to have Niall and Joe. I feel tears welling up behind my eyes. ‘Well I have to go. I’ll see you later.’

‘Give Monique my love. I hope she’s okay.’

I give Niall a peck on the cheek. ‘I’ll see you tonight.’

‘See you later, Lauren.’ He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.

Bettina clears her throat. ‘Hey, audience here you two. Anyway Niall, while Lo’s out you can tell me her secrets. I believe I’m owed some from yesterday.’

I get in the car, closing the door a little stronger than necessary. I take deep breaths. What is wrong with that woman? Is it me or does she have no social boundaries? I decide my frustrations may be more about Mon. Bettina’s not to know what’s going on.

I set off. It takes me fifteen minutes to drive to Monique’s as the traffic lights decide to turn green for me today.

I rush up to the main door and ring the buzzer. Today she doesn’t come to meet me, she just buzzes me in.

Her door is slightly ajar and after removing my shoes at the entrance, I walk into the lounge to find her curled up on the sofa weeping quietly. The curtains across the patio door are drawn, casting the room in dim shadow. I pull them open to let in some light and sit next to her on the sofa, putting my arm around her. She turns and collapses against my chest, her sobbing gains momentum. I feel uncomfortable, which makes me feel guilty. Monique’s always been there to listen to my problems, but we’ve never been at this stage of raw emotions needing physical comfort. I’m not a hugging type of person, except with Joe. I’m at a loss to know what to do, so I just let her weep.

After a few minutes she lifts up her head and sits up and away from me. She smiles weakly at me. ‘I don’t know why I’m so upset, I was considering getting rid of it anyway.’

‘Yes, but you’d not decided and it’s a loss, Mon, don’t try and minimise it, you need to grieve.’ I walk into the bathroom and grab some toilet paper for her nose and pass it to her. ‘Do you feel up to telling me what happened?’

She sniffs, wiping the tissue under her nose and her voice quivers. ‘I got a lot of pain yesterday afternoon and then I started bleeding. I passed this huge clot.’ Her eyes go huge. ‘It was so frightening. I went to the hospital and they did an ultrasound but the baby was gone. They said there was nothing they could do and just to go home.’ She starts crying again. ‘I felt so alone.’

‘Why on earth didn’t you ring me?’

‘You had the fundraiser and I know how hard you’d worked on it and how Niall and Joe were looking forward to getting you with the wet sponges. I didn’t want to spoil that. It was the longest day of my life. I’m so pleased you’re here today.’

‘I’m here until school time and I’ll come back tomorrow. I presume you’re staying off work?’

She nods her head.

‘Right, I’m going to run you a bath.’

‘I can’t have one, in case of infection.’

‘Oh right, okay then.’ I drum my fingers against my arm. ‘Do you have a hot water bottle?’

‘Bottom right cupboard in the kitchen.’

I walk into the kitchen. There are a few pots in the sink. I can tackle those later. I put the kettle on with enough water to make us both a drink and fill the hot water bottle. I have to smile as I lift it up. It has a fluffy leopard print cover, truly Monique. That makes me think of how she didn’t argue when I passed her the toilet paper, she didn’t demand a leopard print tissue. I sigh. Whilst I’m waiting for the water to heat up I walk into Monique’s bedroom. The curtains are already closed. I check the bedding. There’s no bleeding on the covers, but I change them anyway. I light the Yankee candle she has on her bedside cabinet and fluff up her pillows. Back in the kitchen I sort out the hot water bottle and drinks and carry them through to her room.

As I walk back into the lounge, Mon’s eyes are drooping like she’s struggling to stay awake. ‘Right, let’s get you in your room,’ I say, and help her to her feet. I settle her down in her bed and we sit quietly while she drinks her coffee.

‘I just want to sleep; I want it all to go away.’

‘I know, Honey.’

She puts her head down on the pillow. I pull her duvet up, close the door and leave her to sleep. I go and tidy the few pots and put the old bedding into the washing machine. For a while I sit on the sofa and look out onto the patio, feeling helpless and wondering what I’ll do when she wakes. It sounds selfish but I can’t wait to see Joe, to hug him and be grateful that he was born so perfect. Once again I reflect on how lucky I am.

I leave it until the last possible moment before I leave to collect Joe from school, but Monique remains asleep. I don’t want to wake her because I’m a firm believer that sleep aids recovery. I write her a note to say I’ll be back in the morning, but to call me if she needs anything, and then quietly close the door behind myself.

I meet Bettina in the school yard. ‘How’s Monique?’

‘Not good. I can’t go into details but she’s really upset about something. I need to spend some time with her. Is there any chance you could have Joe after school tomorrow? I could get Niall to pick him up and I could stay over at Mon’s.’

‘Joe can sleep over, it’s cool. Tyler would love it. I’ll take them to school Wednesday morning and you won’t have to worry about being back. Spend a couple of days with her.

‘We were having coffee on Wednesday.’

‘So? Don’t worry about that, your friend needs you.’

‘I feel like I’m letting you down though.’

‘Well don’t. You can’t look after everybody you know, and sometimes we are more than capable of looking after ourselves.’

‘Sorry,’ I shrug. ‘Thank you. I’ll meet you here in the morning and bring you his stuff.’

‘No probs. You want to have a bath or something tonight and take care of yourself for a change, instead of everyone else.’

‘I might just do that,’ I say, knowing full well that I plan on spoiling Joe to death with attention tonight.

Joe is in his element that evening. I’ve built a den in the lounge, something I haven’t done since he was little. I set it up in front of the television and give him his tea in there. I slide in alongside him and stick his current favourite film, ‘Iron Man 2,’ on. I watch his face more than I watch the film. I see his eyes light up at various points, his chuckle and the amazement when Iron Man does something demonstrating his amazing strength. Later I bring in a few small bowls with different chocolates in them. He hugs me. ‘You’re the best mum ever.’ I break out in a huge smile and wonder why I don’t do this stuff more often. I’m always on the computer these days. I realise that as much as I’ve been blaming Niall for just sitting around, that I am to blame myself. I’ve turned boring and disappeared into a virtual world. No computer tonight I decide. Iron Man finishes. I tell Joe he needs to change into his pyjamas and head upstairs. ‘Awww is it bedtime?’ he pouts.

‘Nope, time for Monopoly,’ I say. The world’s longest game that I usually refuse to play, protesting I don’t have time, but in truth find so boring.

‘Awwwwweeesssooome,’ Joe yells. He jumps up to give me a huge hug before bounding upstairs.

Niall comes home just before ten to find Joe tucked up in bed reading and drinking a hot chocolate topped with squirty cream and marshmallows. ‘Someone’s projecting,’ he half smiles. ‘He’ll be up all night with that sugar rush.’

‘Button it with the psychobabble. We’ve had loads of fun.’

‘I’ve seen the evidence of that fun all over the kitchen and living room.’

‘Yeah well once we settle Joe down I’m going to tidy up and then get a few things together. Bettina’s going to have Joe overnight tomorrow so I can stay with Mon.’

Niall frowns. ‘Let’s talk about that downstairs.’

Joe looks at him. ‘I can go can’t I, Dad? I can’t wait. Tyler’s got loads of Ninjago.’

‘Yes you can go,’ he says. ‘Poor dad left all alone,’ he mock cries. ‘You best give me some hugs tonight, enough for tomorrow too.’

‘What? Am I two?’ says Joe and we all collapse into giggles, then Joe jumps on Niall and gives him a cuddle.

Downstairs I quickly tidy up. Niall comes into the kitchen and follows his usual routine of getting home and sticking the kettle on whilst mooching around the cupboards and fridge for snacks. He’s in luck tonight as the remainder of four packets of chocolates remain. I see him eyeing them greedily. ‘They’re all yours,’ I state.