Underestimated Too (7 page)

“Drew,” I called before he closed the door, leaving
me alone.

He turned to me with regret already showing in his
eyes.

“I never put you on a pedestal,” I quietly said,
lowering my eyes from his just like I would have before my accident, when he
treated me like my father treated his mother.

“Marta, please don’t do this. I need you here.
Nicholas loves you. I don’t trust him with anyone else,” I begged as Marta
packed up the last of her things.

“Look in the mirror, Morgan. I’m not going to stand
around here and watch this anymore. You need to get away from him before he
really hurts you. I’ll help you. Please, Morgan. Get out of this house,” she
begged right back.

“I’m not going to leave him, Marta. I can’t. Not
right now.”

Marta turned her attention back to her packing with
a sad look. “I’m going to read about your death in the paper,” she sadly spoke,
walking past me and right out of my life.

I knew Drew was watching from his office. He never
came out to stop her. He just let her go. Now what was I supposed to do? It
wasn’t like I couldn’t take care of Nicholas myself. I could, but it was still
nice having someone there to do the cooking and take him when I needed a moment
of
me
time.

“Why is Celeste working downtown this week?” Alicia
asked as soon as I answered my phone.

“I don’t know. Ask her.”

“I did. She said Drew told her not to come to the
house. Why can’t she come to the house? Something’s going on. I can tell. Are
you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“Leave Nicholas with Marta for a little bit. Let’s
go get some lunch or something.”

“I can’t today.”

“Why? What are you doing?”

“Marta is taking a couple days off, and Nicholas is
teething. He’s so fussy right now. I want to stay home. We’ll do something
later on in the week.”

“Give him a freezer pop. You know the ones in the
plastic wrappers? Let him chew on that. That’s what we did for Vincent.”

“Okay, I’ll try that. I’ll call you later. He’s
crying,” I lied.

“Okay, but hurry up. I’m bored.”

I didn’t really lie. As soon as I hung up, I heard
the baby monitor come alive. I walked upstairs and to his room. After changing
him we sat in the rocker as I gave him a bottle and rocked him back and forth,
contemplating my life. Drew had been distant since his episode the day before.
He didn’t even sleep in our room, just like old times, he left me alone.

Nicholas sat up after his bottle, and played with
the black sea glass necklace around my neck. Pulling his clasped little fingers
away from the delicate chain, I sat him on the floor and turned to get him some
toys. I sucked in an audible breath when I turned back to him on all fours.

“What are you doing, big guy?” I smiled. “Drew, come
in here,” I called, knowing he was watching us. He always watched us.

Sitting on the floor, I placed the red truck away from
him, encouraging him to crawl to it. I looked up through the slit in my eye to
see Drew. He squatted behind me as I leaned into him, wanting things to be
okay.

“Come here, baby,” I coaxed.

“He’s doing it,” Drew exclaimed, excited when Nicky
moved towards us with a giggly squeal. It took him a little bit to figure it
out, but he did it. He crawled the three feet to us, reaching his prize that
instantly went to his mouth.

I turned to smile at Drew looking at me and not
Nicholas at all. He looked sad, hurt, and sorry. Those moments are what kept me
grounded right there with him. I twisted my body and wrapped my arms around his
neck as his went around my waist.

“I’m so sorry, Morgan. I don’t know why I do that.
It’s not you. It’s not your fault at all. I’m sorry, baby.”

“Shhh,” I whispered to his lips. “I’m okay, we’re
okay.”

“We’re not. What if Marta is right? What if I really
hurt you?”

“You won’t, Drew,” I guaranteed.

“You don’t know that. I don’t know that. I can’t
even explain what came over me last night, Morgan. I couldn’t have stopped it
if my life depended on it.”

“Let’s just forget it, okay? Please.”

Drew took a deep, defeated breath. He knew we
couldn’t just forget it as much as I knew. And yes, I was afraid that the next
time might be my last. Any mother on earth would have done the opposite of what
I did. A normal mother would have taken her baby and left him. Why couldn’t I
do that? Why did I feel like he was a vital part of my life?

Nicholas interrupted, trying to pull himself up to
us. Drew picked him up, sandwiching him between us.

“Oh my. You stink,” I said, smelling the stinky
diaper.

“Come on, Daddy will change you,” Drew offered.

“I’m going to take a bath. You got him for a little
bit?” I asked.

“Yup, we’re going to get rid of this mess and then
play with all these trucks. Right, buddy?”

I smiled and left them to their trucks.

I had to cook for us because we no longer had Marta.
I didn’t mind at all. I liked being a housewife. Drew, on the other hand,
didn’t like it. I think it was more of a status quo thing than anything. His
wife didn’t belong in the kitchen. We had help for that. Stirring the noodles
in the boiling water, I thought about what Drew had said about eating spaghetti
from a can day after day. I contemplated his life as a little boy, living with
a mother with a mental illness. I was afraid that our session with Deidra was
just the tip of the iceberg.  

“Did you hear me?” Drew asked, feeding Nicholas peas
from his highchair.

“What?” I asked, being pulled from my daze.

“You need to reschedule the auctioneer appointment.”

“Why?” I asked the stupid question and then
remembered. “Never mind. I will,” I added, knowing I wouldn’t leave the house
until my bruises had vanished.

“Celeste wants to buy the house.”

“I know. Alicia told me. She doesn’t want it.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “She likes the closeness of their house.
It’s three bedrooms, plenty big enough for a family of four. She doesn’t think
they need Randal’s mansion.”

“It’s not a matter of needing. Celeste just wants to
provide for them.”

“She’s doing that.”

“You don’t think they should buy the estate?”

“I don’t know. It’s not up to me. I guess they’ll
work it out, but we have to let the auctioneer know if the house will be auctioned
too, or just the contents.”

“I’ll talk to her later. Just reschedule and tell
him you need time to decide whether or not you’re going to sell the house.”

Drew and I ate supper with Nicholas bouncing on his
knee. He wouldn’t sit still long enough for us to eat in peace. We surprisingly
talked like a normal couple, well, as much as possible anyway. I could see Drew
staring at my battered face. Trying to ignore it, I talked like nothing was
wrong, like we were the perfect couple.

That’s what I wanted to do, pretend. Drew pulled me
close to him when we turned in for the night, kissing me on the head. “You
okay?” he whispered to my hair.

“Yes, Drew. I’m fine, but I don’t know if I will be
fine next Thursday. My eye is still swollen shut. I’m afraid the bruise won’t
be gone by then.”

Drew sat up and looked at me like I was crazy. “Do
you really think we’re going back there?”

“Um, yes. Absolutely.”

“Have you lost your mind? Why would you want to
chance it?”

“Chance what? You hitting me again? We’re going to
counseling
because
you hit me, remember?”

“But this time was way worse than that little love
tap. I can’t chance that happening again.”

“And I can’t chance it happening again without
Deidra.”

“Morgan, let’s stop this. I don’t need nor do I want
to talk about my past.”

“Okay, so we’ll just keep going like we are. I’ll
wait until you have a bad day at work and decide that you need to come home and
beat the hell out of me for your made up, ridiculous reasons.”

“What does that mean?”

“Alicia. Remember? That’s why you were so mad.
You’re afraid I am going to cheat on you with Alicia. Isn’t that what that was
all about?”

“You know it wasn’t about that.”

“Yes, I do. It was about old wounds being brought to
the surface. You were hurt and angry about your life. I was the one here to
help you deal with that. I’ll always be here to help you deal with it as long
as you are
dealing
with it. I’m not going to be your punching bag for no
reason. If I have to endure your temper, you have to keep seeing Deidra.”

“I don’t want you to be my punching bag. Stop saying
that. You know that’s not what I want.”

“Then keep seeing Deidra.”

“Let’s go to someone else. I don’t like her.”

“No, Drew. She’s the only one who has been able to
get you to say anything. I do like her, and we’re not finding another
therapist. I’ll cancel next week, but the next week, we’re going back.”

Avoiding Deidra was easy. She didn’t care whether we
made our appointment or not, we were paying her, regardless. Alicia was the one
that was hard to evade. She knew something was up, and I couldn’t tell her.
Nicholas was teething, I was sick, I had to meet with realtors and auctioneers.
I gave her every excuse under the sun, willing my bruised eye to heal. It was
almost there, and you could barely see it with makeup by the middle of the next
week. I should have given it one more day, but didn’t want to prolong our
meeting with Deidra any more than I had to, afraid of Drew not going.

***

 “I don’t want to leave him with Alicia,” Drew
complained, chasing Nicholas away from the stairs. I couldn’t wait for him to
start crawling, now I just wanted him to be still. He was fascinated with
climbing the stairs. His toys were no longer enticing. He wanted everything
else that he wasn’t allowed to have.

“Drew, Alicia has kept him a lot. I trust her with
him more than anyone else. Who else is going to watch him?”

“We should just cancel until we find a new nanny.”

“I don’t want a nanny. I already told you that.”

“We’re hiring someone to help out around here.”

“Okay, whatever. He’s headed for the stairs again,”
I said, giving in and going to the door to let Alicia in. I quickly turned away
from her when she looked right at my eye. She knew.

“Oh, my god. He is crawling!” she exclaimed, seeing
Nicholas trying to get away from his dad and to the steps.

“I told you,” I smiled, watching him squirm through
Drew’s legs. “Drew come on, we’ve got to go.”

“He’s all over the place. You really have to watch
him now. He’s determined to climb up the stairs and—”

“Drew, I’m pretty sure I know how to take care of
baby. Go, get out of here,” Alicia persuaded, taking Nicholas from him.

“I don’t know about this, Morgan,” Drew nervously
confessed on the ride.

“We’ve talked about this, Drew. You’re going to leave
without me, go to your office downtown, and I’ll take a cab home. We’ve got
this. It’s going to be fine.”

“I just don’t understand why you think bringing up
this stuff is going to help anything.”

I reached for Drew’s hand and kissed the back of it.
“I think it is going to help because you have a whole world weighing on your
shoulders. I think you have kept things so tightly bottled up inside you for so
long, you don’t know how to let them out. Deidra is going to help you learn to
let go. And I think once you do, we’ll be able to move forward.”

“That all sounds good in the air, but I’m not sold
on the idea of you hearing this.”

“I want to know all of you, Drew. I told you things
about my childhood that you never knew, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but I can’t say that I’m better off knowing
it. It pisses me off that you were raised like that. You know I had a hard time
being around your mother after hearing all that?”

“Yes, I picked up on it, but I’m glad you know all
of me. Let me know you, Drew.”

“I’m not sure you want to, Morgan. I did things,
unthinkable things. I had a choice. You didn’t.”

“What does that mean, Drew? What things?”

Drew shook his head, trying to rid the thoughts.
“Let’s just see where Deidra takes us today. I’m not sure I’m ready for you to
know that side of me.”

I wanted to say something about the Drew that I’d
been exposed to, remind him of last week when he beat the hell out of me, let
him in on the little secret of the things that he did to me before my accident,
and tell him I never wanted to know that Drew, but nobody gave me a choice
either. I didn’t say anything. I kept quiet and stared out the window,
anticipating what I would learn.