Under Ground (34 page)

When he starts talking, his voice
is steady though anger is growling underneath. “I knew I might not
be there on time, but I still hoped. That was quite foolish of me,
I guess.” He turns to me and the affliction on his face makes my
heart bleed. “I almost saved my dad, Thia. I should have killed
Stephen on the spot. If I had, my dad would still be
alive.”

I take a step toward him and cup
his face with my hands. “You can’t think like that. You didn’t know
what would happen. And really, could you live with yourself if
you'd killed Stephen? Your own brother!”

Chi pushes my hands away, his eyes
as hard and cold as metal. His rejection stings, but I know it’s
not personal. He just needs his space. He doesn’t want my comfort,
and I don’t know how to help him. “Thia, what my brother said,
about Willow…”

I look straight at him, and a
mixture of feelings floods my heart in a wave so strong that all my
doubts and insecurities wash out of me. I don’t care. I don’t care
what he did with Willow. Chi just lost his entire family. I'm the
only person he has left. I don’t know why he lied to me about her,
but I just simply don’t care. It might hurt to think about him with
another girl, but this isn't about me. Chi needs help and support;
I want to be here for him.

“Chi, it’s okay. It doesn’t
matter.”

He cuts me off, loudly, screaming
in my face, “No, you don’t understand!” He pauses, as if in need of
a breath, before continuing, more softly this time. “I can’t lose
you, Thia. Not now!”

“You’re not losing me,
Chi.”

But he’s not listening. He keeps
on talking, babbling with frenzy, “I’m sorry I lied to you. I
didn’t know how to tell you. You were so worried about our
relationship at first, and then sex seemed to terrify you; I didn’t
want to scare you away.”

“Chi, it’s okay. It doesn’t matter
anymore,” I try to reassure him.

“No, it does matter! You see, I
had nothing to lose before. It was all about finding my parents and
I didn’t care about the consequences. But now, my parents are gone.
And all this time, I thought I could save them, but I was a fool! I
was so wrong! I failed them miserably. What Stephen said, he was
right. I’m always too late! I can never forgive myself for this.
And I can’t afford to lose you, too.”

Chi stumbles and falls to his
knees. It surprises me so much that I don’t react right away. He
looks completely broken. He grabs his face with his trembling hands
as his whole body starts shaking and his shoulders slump downward
in desolation. His grief breaks my heart. I take a step toward him
as sobs rise in his throat. He's shivering all over.

His pain is excruciating to look
at. I can’t stand seeing him like this. I wish I could take all his
agony and mourning away. I would carry it all inside me. I would
take it all, let it crush me and break me apart as long as it meant
that Chi would just stop hurting. A single tear rolls down my
cheek. I sit next to him and pull his head to my collarbone. He
pushes his face against my left shoulder and holds on to me tight
as he cries against my neck. His fingers are clutching my shirt,
and his sobs are shaking through his entire body. I rock him slowly
against me while caressing his hair and making soothing sounds. I
don’t know what to tell him, so I remain silent. There is nothing
to say, no comforting words that wouldn't sound like lies. Though
his pain might lessen with time, nothing will ever be the same for
him.

Slowly, his sobs subside and he
calms down a bit. He pulls his face away from me and looks the
other way. He doesn’t want me to see the tears in his eyes, but
it’s too late. I don’t know why he always has to be so proud. He
holds the heels of his hands to his eyes, as if he means to rub the
pain away.

He’s still avoiding my gaze when
he sighs. It’s a deep exhale, an attempt to let all the air out in
the hope it might take away the pain as well. He finally turns to
me. He kisses me all over my face. His mouth is wet and warm
against my skin. His kisses on my lips are hard,
desperate.

He pulls back and presses his
forehead against my temple. “I had tried to prepare myself for the
loss of my parents. I knew it might happen. But with you, it’s
different. I know I pretend to be strong. I like to claim that I
can bear it all, but I could never make it if I lost you, Thia. I'd
rather die. You’re everything I have left, and I can't let anything
happen to you. Please, tell me I'll never lose you.”

He looks me in the eye and my
chest fills with anxiety.
How could I possibly tell him that
nothing will happen to me and that we’ll be fine?
I have to
beguile him from the fears clawing at him. He knows better, but I
can tell he needs to hear it—one simple white lie to allay his
worries.

So I say it even if deep inside I
don’t believe one word of it. “Chi, I’m not going anywhere.
Nothing’s going to happen to me. Okay?”

He looks at me, with tears still
drying on his cheeks. “Okay.”

His voice is so low I can hardly
hear it. He doesn’t believe one word I just said, but pretending
that he does is easier for him right now than to argue about
it.

“I don’t think it’s worth it
anymore,” he continues.

“What do you mean? What are you
talking about?”

“All this. The resistance. It's
not worth the costs.”

I look at him. I don’t understand.
Or maybe I do and I can’t accept what he’s saying.

“If being a part of the rebellion
means I might lose you, I'm out.”

“But, Chi, that’s why we’re here,”
I protest.

“No, it’s not. My goal was to save
my parents. I failed and I’m done. I’m not letting one more person
I love get hurt.”

“Chi, you’re not thinking
straight. We can’t just leave now.”

“Why not?” he asks, frustration
cutting through his voice.

“Because it would be selfish and
unfair,” I try to be sensible, but he won't listen.

“I don’t care if I’m being
selfish. This whole damn society is selfish! I just want to make
sure you’re safe, and I don’t care about the rest.”

I’m so shocked I don’t reply. Chi
is the reason why I’m here. He talked me into this rebellion. He
truly believed in it. He knows what’s at stake. He knows what this
means for people who’ve been oppressed for so long. I can’t turn
back and pretend that I don’t know, that I couldn't care less about
the fate of those around me.

I look at him, but I can’t speak.
Like that day I told him about the pre-nuptial night, Chi has that
look on his face; he's made up his mind already. Though I don’t
like his decision, I know that no argument of mine will convince
him otherwise. But I still try. “Chi, I’m staying. If you want to
protect me, you have to be with me.”

“Thia, I am not sacrificing you
for this!”

“You’re not sacrificing me, Chi.
You saved me many times over. You don’t need to save me from the
world.”

“No! What I don’t need is to save
everyone in the world when all I care about is you! I didn’t choose
to be born second; you didn’t choose to be born a girl. I am sick
and tired of this self-centered society and trying to save it from
itself. Let the others do the job for once.” His anger slashes at
me, and I have to remind myself that this isn't personal. This is
just his anguish talking. I'm sure I can reason some sense back
into him eventually.

“Chi, I can’t do that. How could I
look at myself in the mirror every morning and know what’s going on
out there?”

“When I saw my brother shooting at
you, I thought I was going crazy. It’s horrible to say, but I’m
glad William jumped in the way, Thia." His despair comes to cut me;
it's hard not to give in, just to comfort him.

"I can’t let that happen again,"
he adds. "I can’t breathe thinking you might not make it next
time.”

There’s no talking him out of his
decision right now. He just needs some peace of mind. Instead of
arguing further, I pretend that I’m on board with him. I nod and
kiss him, hoping to bring him solace. I know his heart is broken,
and I don’t want to add any more conflict to his life.

“I love you, Chi, so
much.”

“I love you too. Please, don’t
leave me,” he replies, and my heart breaks a little bit more at the
pleading sadness in his voice.

“I’m right here. I’m not leaving.”
I brush his lips with mine and thumb his cheek.

“Good!” A tiny half-hearted smile
splits his mouth for a second, gone in a blink of an eye, instantly
replaced by painful sorrow.

Chapter 34

Chi and I remain
like this for a long time,
sitting on the balcony. We’re
holding on to each other tightly. My mind is frantic with worry
about him. I think about the people that we've lost today: Chi’s
father, James, William, and countless others I never even met and
will never get to know.

I don’t understand William’s
actions and I never truly knew him. I always thought he would lead
me to my ultimate destruction and be the end of me. But instead, he
saved me and sacrificed his life for mine.
Had I known what
would happen, would I have acted differently?
I’m not entirely
sure, but I doubt I would have.

There's no going back now. And
despite what Chi says, there is nowhere we can go or hide. He
cannot protect me. No one can protect me. The world is changing.
And yet, just like before, Chi and I are outcasts with nowhere safe
to run. I’m still pondering this when Chi gets to his feet and
holds out his hand to me. I take it and stand up. We exit the
apartment and go join the others.

We head to the fitness center.
Taylor is there with Chase and Kayla. He sends Chi a glance filled
with concern.

“Chi, I’m really sorry—" he
begins, but Chi holds up his hand to cut him off. Taylor's brows
crease with worry, but he moves on as if he hadn’t raised that
topic. “Thia, your mom is going to share your apartment. I hope
it’s not too awkward or anything.”

“No, it’s fine. I already told her
to join us.”

“
Great,” he says before turning to
the television.

I hadn’t noticed it was there. It
wasn’t in this room yesterday. It’s small, with a huge antenna, and
it seems to be running on batteries. The reception is bad, full of
static. The news is on, and the videos are shocking, revolting. A
reporter is talking while some footage is being filmed from above,
probably from a helicopter. Some prisoners are standing against a
wall, with their arms in the air and their backs turned to the
officers who start shooting. The prisoners fall to the ground, in a
growing pool of blood. The guards move forward and drag the bodies
through the yard while other prisoners are forced to line up and
wait for their executions.

I close my eyes as more shots take
the lives from more prisoners. I don’t think I can watch this. Chi
squeezes my hand and I look at him. His face is grave; he’s as
upset as I am. More images of the camps appear, showing piles of
corpses lying in the courtyards.

I glance at Taylor and try to
gather myself before I speak, but I can't hide my revulsion. “This
is a failure! We failed all these people!”

A flicker of pain crosses Taylor's
eyes. “We saved hundreds of people tonight, Thia. I received
confirmation that more prisoners were saved from some of the other
camps. We did what we had to do."

“Some members of the Underground
were even left behind and didn’t make it back,” I exclaim,
furious.

"Should we have left all the
prisoners in the camps, then? Would you have felt better pretending
that nothing was going on? Our missions are never free of
consequences. People die every single time."

"How can you just stand here and
watch this?" I shout at him.

“That’s enough, Thia!” he retorts
as if scolding a child. Chi flinches against me, and his hand
squeezes mine hard, signaling for me to shut up.

“Look," Taylor continues, more
calmly now, "I understand what you’re saying, okay! What do you
want me to say? That I’m sorry we couldn’t save thousands of
people! We're not superheroes, Thia!"

I shake my head, glaring at him,
and his irritation escalates in response.

"You've never seen the authorities
kill or torture someone you cared about, have you?" he asks
me.

I don't respond. He already knows
I haven't.

"Well, let me tell you something,
Thia. The rest of us have. Every single person in this room has
lost a family member—shot right in front of their eyes. That shit
on TV right now, that's what happens to people who aren't from the
upper-class and to those who resist the rules. You need to wake up
from that utopia you've been living in, princess. 'Cause you don't
have a clue what real personal loss is or what sacrifices need to
be made to change an entire system."

His words punch me hard, fueling
the anger in me. When I look at Chase and Kayla in turn, their
faces are covered with sorrow. My hand clenches tightly around
Chi's.

"We knew that we couldn't save all
the prisoners." Taylor won't stop talking. "I plain told you so
before we even left for the camp. This is war now. The fight is far
from over, and I need everyone to remain positive. We can’t stop,
and it's a bit too easy to be all self-righteous about the
consequences now. All that human loss, it's not on you, or Chi.
It’s on me and the other Underground leaders. We are the ones who
have to live with it. Things will get a lot worse before they get
better. I never said it would be easy. You need to choose if you're
in or out because I won’t let anyone dissuade the others or tell
them to stop fighting."