Under Ground (16 page)

Panic seizes me. I want to run out
of the room. I want to run and find Chi. I want to feel his arms
around me. I want him to tell me it’s all going to be fine. But I
remain seated. The ache inside me increases and I can’t breathe.
The spoon falls out of my hand and drops down, spraying milk and
cereal on the hardwood floor. I can't breathe. Emily sends me a
glance of annoyance, but I hardly pay heed. I can't breathe. My
chest heaves. I’m choking. I can't breathe. The air escapes from my
lungs. I can't breathe. No matter how much I try, I can’t breathe.
Dark spots form in front of my eyes and slowly grow into smudges.
Darkness swallows me whole, and I fall.

***

When I regain
consciousness
, I wish I hadn’t opened my eyes at all. My
head is pounding. I’m lying on the floor, and the light in the room
is stinging my eyes. Mother is over me, holding a handkerchief to
my nose. There’s a strong smell emanating from it. The back of my
skull is hurting as if it has shattered from the impact. I must
have fallen off my stool and hit my head against the hardwood
floor.

I gather enough strength to ask if
I may be excused and go to my room. There’s concern in my mother’s
eyes. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. If I don’t go to
school, I won’t have a pretext to meet Chi later on. But Mother is
heading to the phone already, to tell the principal that I need the
day off. I’m desperate as I try to talk her out of it, but there is
no arguing with her. She thinks I’m too emotional and that I need
to rest.

So now, I’m stuck at home for the
day. I won’t be able to meet Chi. He'll be mad at me. I want to
tell him. I want him to take me away from here.

I spend the whole day in bed.
Mother comes upstairs a few times to talk about the prenuptial
night. I pretend I'm sleeping whenever someone walks into my room.
I don’t want anyone to know how horrible this situation is for me.
I’m supposed to be rejoicing about the news. I don’t know how, but
I know my parents expect me to. I don't want to discuss the subject
with anyone. I'm angry and scared. I don't want William to touch
me. I don't even like it when he kisses me.

I’m distressed when I think about
Chi, too. Our parting yesterday didn’t go well. I’m concerned he
might think I was letting him down. I don't even want to consider
what this news is going to do to him. Having to hurt him this way
just makes me want to scream. The charade is falling apart around
me, and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to hold on to
this masquerade. This existence is just slow death spent buried
alive under a never-ending list of obligations. I can only breathe
when I'm with Chi.

This entire day is pure torment. I
manage to fall asleep a few times, for the weight on my shoulders
is exhausting me. It's easier to be asleep and away from this place
than awake and facing reality. Despite my napping most of the day,
I’m still tired enough to sleep at night. My slumber is heavy,
devoid of dreams or nightmares.

Chapter 21

I want to throw
up
the moment I open my eyes. I tell myself this was all
just a night terror and reality cannot be that bad. But I remember
quite well that receiving the prenuptial letter wasn’t a dream. I
feel sick to my stomach and run to the bathroom.

Emily hasn’t come to my room yet.
I make sure to clean everything up before she does. The last thing
I need is to be stuck at home another day. I need to get out of
here. I need an excuse to see Chi.

I consider skipping school, but
that wouldn’t be wise. Last night, I had enough trouble convincing
Mother that I should stay at the library with Melissa this
afternoon, to make up for the classes I missed. Chi won't be home
anyway. There’s no point in taking the risk of skipping school to
find his house empty.

I get ready and go through my
usual routine. I go downstairs for breakfast, take the train with
Walter, join Melissa by our lockers, and then sit through all my
classes while fretting about Chi the entire time. He's probably
upset that I never showed up yesterday.

When the afternoon finally
arrives, I run to his house. I’m so frantic I’m just careless. I
get there and knock on the back door, hard. Chi comes right away,
breathing heavily; he must have run to meet me on the threshold. I
don't dare look at him. I dread the disappointment and anger that
are sure to show in his eyes. But when I lift my head, there is
relief on his face instead. He sighs deeply, pulls me inside, and
takes me in his arms, holding me so tight it hurts as he kisses my
face frantically.

“I was so worried! Why didn’t you
come yesterday? I wanted Jane to call your house and ask for you.
Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry!”

I'm so ashamed I ever doubted him.
Of course he wouldn’t be mad. After all, this is a dangerous world
for girls; anything could have happened to me. I’m touched that he
was so concerned about me, and a selfish bubble of happiness
suddenly surrounds me and carries me up, up, up. Up so high I
almost forget why I couldn’t make it here yesterday. When the
memories come back to slap me in the face, a sob rises in my throat
and a single tear rolls down my cheek. I try to prevent it from
falling, but fail.

“What’s wrong, Thia? Did something
happen to your family?”

Sadness for Chi suddenly fills my
broken heart. My tears pour out, and I know I won’t be able to stop
them. Of course, Chi would think something happened to my family.
After all, didn’t something horrible happen to his?

He leads me through the hall, all
the way to the kitchen on the left. He takes me to a stool by the
island and helps me sit down. He grabs a seat next to me and holds
my hand in his, so tight it hurts. I look at him with unrestrained
tears running down my cheeks. Chi extends his hand to dry the tears
with his thumb. There is concern in his eyes where mischief usually
shines, and I don’t know how to tell him what’s going
on.

I somehow manage to get it out
without choking on the words. I stop crying, but my voice trembles
as I speak. “I received the official pre-nuptial
letter.”

Chi glances at me and blinks a few
times. He looks like he’s about to suffocate. His eyes are blank
for a second, as if he didn’t quite hear what I just said. But
slowly, a deep coldness appears behind his pupils and his sweet
honey irises darken, his eyes flashing with frightening shades
reminiscent of a tornado ready to hit. His jaw clenches as hatred
flickers through his gaze, disappearing just as quickly.

Wrath overtakes him, and he bangs
his fist so hard on the island that it shakes. I jump in my seat
and cringe. Chi stands up violently while cursing and calling
William a variety of bad names—some of them in a language I don't
even understand. I flinch. He’s not looking at me as he speaks
either. He’s just talking to himself.

“That’s why he was leering at me
all day, that asshole!”

“What are you talking
about?”

Chi looks at me now, and the vivid
fury filling his eyes stuns me. I’ve never seen this violence in
him before, even when talking about his family.

“William! He was mocking me all
day," he snaps, "looking at me with a smug smile on his
face!”

“But Chi, surely William doesn’t
know about us! Why would he be sneering at you?”

“I’m not sure how, but he knows!
His whole attitude today tells me that he knows about us. Maybe he
noticed something at the gala, I don't know. But he
knows!”

Frissons course through my body.
If William is aware I’m seeing Chi, he could destroy me. He can do
whatever he wants. He could choose to marry me and have me
committed later on. He could have me arrested. He could deflower me
and then reject me, leaving me to deal with the shame for the rest
of my life.

I’m shaking. I need to lie down,
but I don’t dare tell Chi. The look on his face terrifies me. His
teeth are clenched so hard the muscles in his jaw are moving. His
hands are still tightened into fists, his knuckles white from the
pressure.

“Let’s go upstairs and talk. I’m
not gonna let it happen. No way! Imagining that jerk’s hands on you
makes me sick!”

He shakes his head frantically now
while pacing around the kitchen. He keeps on cursing, boiling with
rage—expletives and oaths flying around without restraint. I don't
like him this way. He makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t know how
to calm him down.

He grabs my hand suddenly and
leads me out of the kitchen, and then down the hall to a staircase
leading upstairs. He has never taken me there before, and my old
fears surface. But he’s so mad that I don’t dare protest. I follow
him up the stairs, but his attitude is upsetting me even more than
I was before.

I try to fight the tears, but I’ve
been too emotional since yesterday. This is too much for me to
take. I pull my hand away from his and stop walking when my body
starts shaking harder as a panic attack takes over. My knees almost
give up on me as chaos fills my head, making me dizzy. I want the
rage and fears and frustration out of me. I’ve had enough. Someone
has to take the brunt of my anger, and the only person I can take
it out on right now is Chi. I know it’s not fair, but his behavior
is driving me over the edge.

I stand still and look at him. My
whole body shudders and wrath comes out as the volcano finally
erupts. Heat engulfs me as I yell in his face, “This is not about
you, Chi! I came here for comfort, and all you’ve done so far is
curse, offend me, and yell! You’re upsetting me! I don’t need this.
I don’t need this!”

I hit his chest with my fists over
and over again. I lose my grasp on reality and see William standing
in front of me. My mind is playing tricks on me. The panic attack
is hitting me hard, and suddenly I can’t breathe. I hyperventilate.
Chi pulls my hands away from him. He holds onto my shoulders and
forces me to look at him.

“I’m sorry, Thia," he says. "I’m
sorry! Breathe! Come on, take a deep breath, like this.”

He breathes heavily, and I try to
follow his rhythm. I inhale and exhale once, twice, three times.
Again. Slowly, I find relief as the air rushes to my lungs and
brain. I relax a little, but I’m still quivering and feeling
faint.

Chi's eyes fill with pain and
apologies. He opens the door and says, “Please, come in. You should
sit down for a while.”

Chi doesn’t need someone who’s
already taken, someone he cannot have. I never want to hurt him,
ever. But our relationship has brought him nothing but misery. I
want to tell him that. I want to walk away from here for his own
good. But the selfish part of me is begging me to stay and find
comfort in him, and I let him pull me inside.

I step into his room, look around
me, and find nothing to indicate that someone other than a guest
has been spending the nights here. The space is still decorated as
a guest room; Chi hasn’t even tried to make this place his own. I
know it’s his refuge away from the world.
But how can it be so
when there are no traces of his personality here
? The only
things betraying his presence are some clothes hanging from the
back of a chair and some books on the nightstand table. I walk to
them and flip through the first pages. I catch Chi looking at me
and I flush, realizing how nosy I'm being.

I'm confused. The books are
worn-out copies written in a foreign tongue I don't recognize.
Languages haven’t been part of our curricula for years. Since it’s
illegal to migrate to other countries, the need to speak another
language has become useless and obsolete. Trade between countries
is hardly existent now. Our seceded state, especially, is cut off
from the rest of the world; we've had to learn to rely on our own
resources. Only the officials speak different languages now, in
case they ever have to deal with other communities.
How did Chi
get these books?

I take the first one and look at
the cover.
The title reads
L’Ecole des femmes
while the second one
says
Le Mariage de Figaro
.

“These books belonged to my
mother,” Chi explains. “I guess I do have a few possessions I held
on to after all. I have a few French books from her. I sneaked back
into the house to retrieve a couple of things.”

“Can you actually read
them?”

My question sounds dumb the moment
it escapes my mouth. Chi chuckles and I’m glad to see his good mood
is back.

“Yes, I can. My mother’s ancestors
came from France. They spread the language from generation to
generation. They believed it was important to hold on to the past
and that communication was the best way to create understanding and
prevent war. My mom taught me French herself. I can speak, read,
and write it. I’ve lost a bit of it since she’s been gone though.
It’s hard to hold on to it when you have no one to practice
with.”

“Would you teach me? I mean, if we
have time.”

“Yes, I'd love to do that. Then I
could practice it with you.”

I’ve never heard of these books
before. Chi explains to me that the first one is about an older
gentleman who wants to marry his pupil. He gets extremely jealous
when she starts seeing a young man her own age.