Under Alaskan Skies (22 page)

Carrie in bed with him, her face aglow, her body arched toward him. He turned over and buried his face in his pillow. But the images wouldn’t stop. His imagination was working overtime. He now imagined he could hear her moan, hear her call his name. But he couldn’t. She was asleep. He should be, too.

He must have slept because when he woke up it was still dark and he was disoriented, and, for a moment, he didn’t know where he was. For a moment, his heart leaped. It was dark. They couldn’t fly. But soon he realized the skies were clear. The sun rose, and it was a perfect day for flying.

That’s what she said when she came down the stairs. Nothing like, I’m sorry you’re leaving. Nothing like, I’ll miss you. Just “It’s a perfect day for flying.” She paused for a moment. “That’s not to say the weather couldn’t change. Just to be sure, we ought to leave as soon as possible.”

“I hope this won’t be a totally wasted trip for you,” he said. “Taking me all the way to Juneau.”

“Not at all. I’ll load up the back of the plane with some deliveries and head on over to Ketchikan after I drop you off.”

She was all business today. He’d never seen this side of her. It was as if she’d switched from Carrie
the hometown girl, the sweet, sexy woman he’d shared a bed with to an accomplished pilot and the head of a small business. She was brisk and efficient, brewing coffee, making toast and eating it while making a list of her freight in duplicate. She scarcely looked at him, made no effort at conversation. She did make a few calls and then she said she was ready. So was he.

The flight was completely smooth. The scenery was spectacular. She pointed out areas of interest. She named the rivers and the mountain range, pointed out villages and towns. She spoke to various control towers on her radio. He looked out the side window, struck by the snow-capped mountains and the vast white empty space.

He tried to appreciate the view. He knew he should be delighted to once again have the opportunity of being in a small plane over this remote state with its spectacular scenery, but he felt numb and cold inside. He was prepared to leave this place, but he wasn’t prepared for her change of attitude. Even the look on her face was different. Her eyes were on her controls. Her mouth was set in a straight, determined line. She hadn’t smiled all day. He thought he had meant something to her, but he felt now as if he’d never known her at all. He hadn’t realized how much that could hurt.

He asked himself what he wanted, how he wanted her to behave, and he had to admit he didn’t know. He didn’t want tears or sighs or last-minute regrets. Maybe it was better this way. Better for him, better for her. When she landed the plane in the water at the dock in Juneau, a dockhand was waiting. Matt
grabbed the black bag he’d borrowed from the ship’s doctor and opened the door.

She looked at him then, just a side-glance that told him nothing about how she felt. He leaned over to kiss her goodbye. She turned her head away just in time so his kiss landed on her cheek. He mumbled his thanks, said goodbye and jumped onto the dock with a helping hand from the dockhand. Two hours later, he was in a commercial airplane on his way to San Francisco and another life.

Carrie took off immediately. She allowed herself only a quick glance out the window to see Matt stride across the dock toward the town. She knew he would catch a cab to the airport. She knew he’d be on time for his flight and that even now the memory of these past few days spent with her were fading.

With a fierce effort, she held back the tears until she got her plane into the air, then she let go. She sobbed so loudly she almost missed the message from the radio operator in Ketchikan telling her they were expecting her and that the skies were clear.

She stammered a short reply then wiped her eyes. She’d thought it would help to avoid a tearful goodbye with Matt. She’d thought if she pretended she didn’t care whether he left or not, she could convince herself and him that she didn’t care. But she did. She cared too much. She felt as if her insides were crumbling. When she got out of the plane she would topple over because there would be nothing left to hold her upright. The tears continued to flow. Better now than while he was there. She’d been holding back for hours, bottling up her feelings and her emotions, and now there was no reason to hold back any longer.

She’d cry all the way to Ketchikan and all the way home and then she’d quit. She’d be all cried out. Dried out with no more tears and no more emotion. She’d face the village and her friends with a smile on her face.

Yes, she’d say. I took him back to civilization. Yes, it was nice to have him here. No, I won’t be hearing from him again, except about Donny, of course. And of course I won’t be seeing him again. Ever. Yes, he was nice. Yes, he was good-looking. Yes, he was a good doctor. Yes, it was too bad he had to leave.

The more she practiced what she was going to say, the worse she felt. When she finally got home after making her deliveries in Ketchikan, tied up her plane at her dock and went into her house, she felt worse than ever. She only hoped she could avoid seeing anyone, because just a glance in the mirror told her she looked like hell with her red eyes and her pale face.

She knew she should eat something. She was weak and felt hollow inside. But after sharing meals for a few days, eating alone seemed like a miserable alternative. She opened her refrigerator and peered into the freezer. Nothing looked appealing.

She walked into the living room. The fireplace was cold and empty. The fire had gone out in her woodstove. She shivered in the chill of an empty house and almost didn’t want to start a fire and make it warm again. Why bother? It was just for her. She was alone. More alone than she’d ever been except after her father died. She got over that, she’d get over this.

She sat on the couch and stared into the ashes in the fireplace thinking of Matt sleeping here where she sat. At least she hoped he’d slept. She hadn’t slept at
all last night. She’d simply lain in her bed, her head buried in her pillow, counting the hours, wishing it was over. She hated goodbyes. She was glad she’d managed to avoid one with Matt. Maybe he was puzzled at her lack of emotion. By now he would have realized it was the best way. It was the only way. By now he probably wasn’t even thinking about her. By now he was back in San Francisco with his girlfriend and his family. Maybe it was time for her to find a boyfriend and start a family of her own.

She tried to picture the face of a man she might marry, but the only face that came to her mind was Matt’s. The last look on his face was a puzzled one. Puzzled when she didn’t say anything, didn’t even try to say what was on her mind. But he must have been grateful, deep down, that she hadn’t gone all weepy and emotional on him. Men hated that. She knew because she’d made that mistake with her former fiancé. He’d been embarrassed beyond belief when she tried to tell him how she felt. He just wanted to get out of there—fast.

This time she’d learned her lesson well. This time she’d taken the initiative, given Matt a chance to leave gracefully, which he’d done. Now all she had to do was pick up the pieces and get on with her life. The same life that had been so completely satisfying, so rich and rewarding before she met him. Or had it?

Chapter Ten

Matt called his parents from the airport and they came to get him.

“Thank God you made it back. We’ve been so worried about you up there in the wilderness all alone,” his mother said, giving him a hug.

“There was no need to worry,” he said. “I was fine. I wasn’t alone. In fact, I was never less alone. It was a fascinating experience.”

“I imagine it was,” his father said. “You’ll have to tell us all about it. Mira’s anxious to hear, of course.”

Matt opened his mouth to say something about his relationship with Mira, but he didn’t. This was not the time to upset his parents. There would be plenty of time later when he’d had time to think up a good excuse. He was afraid “I don’t love her” wouldn’t quite do it. Instead he asked about his father’s health and was relieved to hear his latest EKG was normal but that his father had cut way back on his workload.

“How was the boy you went to treat?” his father asked, as he drove down the freeway toward their house in the suburbs.

“Better. But he needs to be treated as soon as he can be moved. I’ve spoken to Jay Mercer, and he’s agreed to treat him if they can med-evac him down here.”

“I’m sure the family was grateful to you. And the woman pilot, what about her?”

Matt didn’t know what to say. He knew what he couldn’t say: She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. He couldn’t ask the question he wanted to ask: Is it possible to fall in love in three days?

“You mean Carrie,” he said. “She gave me a tour of the area and showed me a great time.” A great time? That was the understatement of the year. He deliberately kept his voice neutral so his parents would read no underlying meaning in that phrase.

“You stayed at her house?” his mother asked a little too casually. Did she know? Could she possibly suspect what had happened while he stayed at her house?

He cleared his throat. “Yes. It’s a large house for those parts. But a very small village. No hotels or restaurants. Just a cluster of houses, a school, a volunteer library and even smaller museum.”

There was a brief silence while they digested his description. He was sure they couldn’t possibly picture the place nor appreciate how simple life was up there nor how good it could be.

“What did you do besides take care of the patient?” his father asked.

Matt was at a loss for words. How to answer such a question? He mumbled something about fishing and sight-seeing in her boat. Then he looked out the window as they drove down his parents’ street toward
their house. He looked at the large homes surrounded by landscaped grounds, noticing the expensive cars parked in the driveways and was struck by the contrast to the place he’d been. This was the kind of place he’d end up in if he followed in his father’s footsteps. The kind of place most people would give anything to end up in. The people here were well-to-do professionals who’d earned the right to a comfortable, even luxurious life with teams of gardeners and house cleaners to keep their property in tip-top shape.

He thought of Mystic and how isolated it was from the outside world when the weather closed in and how the people there dealt with adversity. He thought of the school made up of prefab buildings. He thought of Carrie’s kitchen with her handmade drawings decorating her cupboard doors. He thought of the school and the enthusiasm that erupted during a game. He thought of Donny’s pleasure at being able to have a chess partner.

“Matt?” his father prompted. “You were telling us what you did up there. You look like you’re off in another world.”

“Oh, sorry, Dad. I guess I was.” He took a moment to collect his thoughts. “What did I do? Oh, not much.”
Not much, I just flew over the most spectacular scenery on the earth, I soaked in a hot spring with the most desirable woman I’ve ever known, and made beautiful love. No, not much. Just a lifetime of experiences, that’s all. Was that all? Was that to be the highlight of his life? Would everything be downhill after that? He couldn’t believe that. Didn’t want to believe that
.

When his father parked in front of their two-story
brick and stone house, he got out of the car and looked around. It looked as strange to him as if he’d been away for years and not days. He almost stumbled on the front steps, and his parents exchanged a worried look.

“It’s good you have a few days before the residency starts on Monday,” his mother said. “You look like you could use a rest. I’m so sorry you had to miss most of the cruise. We came back completely relaxed.”

Matt managed a smile for his mother. “That’s good,” he said. “I’m really fine. I need to find an apartment in the city near the hospital as soon as possible.”

“Of course. But there’s no hurry. We love having you around. Of course it’s important for you to be close at hand when you’re on call.”

During the next few days of diligent looking with the help of Mira, Matt found an apartment in the city. It was just a studio a few blocks from the hospital. Mira insisted on helping him not only find it but furnish it, too. Matt felt grateful and also guilty for taking advantage of her. After the furniture had been delivered, she was standing in the doorway with a lamp in her hand, trying to decide where to put it, when he took it out of her hand, put it on an end table and asked her to sit down a moment. It was time, it was past time for him to tell her what he had to say.

She gave him a quick, curious glance and perched on the arm of his new couch while he sat on the edge of the futon. She looked half-apprehensive and half-hopeful. He wouldn’t blame her if she thought he was
going to propose. He wished he didn’t have to do this. He hated to hurt her.

“We’ve known each other a long time,” he said. “Your friendship means a lot to me.”

She bit her lip. “I thought it was more than a friendship,” she said. “That is, I hoped…”

“Yes, I thought so, too, but I think we’d both know by now if it was meant to be more. I’m afraid we’re too comfortable around each other, known each other too long. But it must be as obvious to you as it is to me that we’re lucky to have each other as friends and that’s how it should be.” Lord, he hated this. He didn’t want to mention the
M
word, though it was clearly on both their minds.

“Do you think it’s bad to feel comfortable around the person you…you…care about?” she asked softly.

“No, of course not,” he said. He got up and put his hands on her shoulders. “Mira, you deserve someone better than me.”

“There is no one better than you, Matt,” she said simply.

He gave her a rueful smile. “You say that now, but it’s only because I’ve monopolized you all these years. You’ve been brainwashed by my parents and your parents. But you’ll find someone who will sweep you off your feet, who will adore you and make a great husband for you.”

“That sounds like goodbye,” she said.

“Not goodbye. Of course not,” he said. “We’ll always be friends.” Didn’t he already say that? In any case, it was true. They probably always would be friends, as long as she wanted to. As long as it didn’t keep her from finding someone else.