Undeniable (Undeniable series) (9 page)

“Shit Gemma
,” Marcus yells running his hands roughly through his hair. “What about Riley and the pack?” He says and I didn’t have a chance to think about it. This whole thing is so fresh and new that I didn’t think of anything but my moment with Beau. Marcus must see this in my face. “Gemma you mean everything to me. All we have is each other and I would do anything for you, but this,” he waves his hand at Beau and I. “This will end us. You will be kicked out of the pack or worse and I will go with you, but you know what happens to the rouge shifters, they don’t survive. We’re still so young and I don’t want us to die that way,” and the sadness in his eyes make all of this too much. When I don’t make a move his plead vanishes and he frowns at me. “You have to choose right now! Go home with me or stay here with him,” he says in disgust towards Beau.

I can see
both lives laid out in front of me. One resembles my life now, but instead of me the woman looks lost and blank. The second I’m not that shattered broken woman, but I’m always having to look back living in fear that in any giving moment this life could be ripped from me. I feel torn but automatically know my decision. “Give us a moment Marcus,” Beau says when I’m about to answer.

“Fine
, but only for a moment.” He huffs exiting through the broken door knocking over small fragments of its remains.

Beau tu
rned to me making me regret my quick decision. “I want you to go with your brother,” he says and when he see no shock on my face he must know that was my decision already.

He takes his thumb and traces the curve of my bottom lip. Keeping his grey eyes on my lips he continues. “I have waited for this moment forever. To have you in my arms and confess
my soul to you, but I don’t where to go from here where we will have our happy ending.” He looks down for a moment seeming to be drawing strength from the old floorboards. “It’s so hard to think about you leaving, let alone to say it, but I don’t want you to die nor your brother. You have to know that my feelings for you are pure, but you have to keep living your life as if this never happened.” He waves his hand between us and his words hurt me worse than anything I felt before. I feel my body go weak even with his blood strengthening me. Moving my hands towards the wall to brace myself from falling, his arms come around me. I push them weakly away, but he doesn’t let me go. Looking back to his face I see that his eyes are as pained as mine and I let go of the pressure in chest as I sob. My body shakes gradually getting harder until he starts to hum the tone I just heard in my vision. In the vision it soothed me, but now that I heard the tone come from his lips it makes my shaking stops along with the tears. It’s as if my body is sedated and he is bringing me back to my euphoria.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you
,” he says wiping away the wetness from my cheeks. “I will find a way for us to be together, I promise.” He vows kissing both my fevered eyes. “We just can’t let anyone know of this until I find a way and I will find a way. Just live your life as you were before this night and I will come for you when the time is right.” I listen to his words then place my face into his chest listening for the beat of life that isn’t there. Knowing we don’t have much time left I kiss the spot on his chest where his heart still lies then pull away from him.

 
“Take this with you,” he says so sorrowfully that I have to close my eyes to not mix the look with the voice. I feel a small phone being placed in my hands and then he incases them with his.  “All you have to do is dial nine and I will be able to find you anywhere,” he says moving closer to me.

“What if I can’t say anything how would you find me
,” I murmur.

“Remember when I mixed o
ur blood the first time we met?” He ask and I nod. “In doing so I was able to track you, which I have been doing since I met you. Only to make sure you were safe on your missions. I never went anywhere near your packs land though there was a few times I rethought that decision,” he grins making one appear on my face as well. “There it is,” he smiles and the love in his tone is unmistakable.

He presses his forehead to mine as I get as close as I can to him. Inside myself I
feel content, whole in a way I’ve never felt before. I never notice that hole inside me until now making it obvious to me that I cannot live the way I did before. It’s like having those shoes as a kid that can flash colorful lights when you run and now the light is gone and I’m left alone in the dark.

I feel my eyes fill
with tears then they gently flow down my cheeks. Normally I never cry let alone in front of others. We both know what is about to happen and his actions are understandable in the decision.

“Times up, what are you going to do Gemma
?” Marcus says still angry as he kicks more pieces of the door out of his away.

“I’m going with you Marcus
.” I say not looking at him as I place the phone in my pants before Marcus sees it and makes a remark about it.

“Good
.” Marcus says taking a deep breath and letting the stress out. It’s almost as if he doubted I would choose him, but I could never do that to Marcus even at the cost of my own heart.

Beau pulls me into a hug as he whispers in my ear. “I will still watch out for you, but if you need me for any reason contact me
.” I take as much of this moment in as I can to save it for dreams in the future that will one day be blurry and unclear. It’s sad how everything gets lost in time.

P
ressing my lips to his colder ones I kiss him with every ounce of passion I possess as if it will be our last and it might be. “I will miss you, Beau.” I say turning away walking towards my brother who is beyond appalled with what he has just seen. 

Marcus neither speaks nor looks at me on the way home. I know he is upset, but he doesn’t understand how shattered I am on the inside. First I find out my true mate is a vampire, who I can never truly be with. Second I feel totally and utterly lost without Beau now that I don’t have him with me anymore. The mission was a complete fail, which I don’t tolerate well.  Lastly, I did what Marcus wanted me to do and he doesn’t even want to be in the same room with me.

I try really hard to think how I would feel if the situation was in
reverse, but my new prejudice towards it won’t allow me. I could never really understand what he was feeling at this moment as he has no idea how I feel. 

A small woma
n with blonde hair that is so light it could almost be categorized as white comes over to us. “We will be landing soon. Is there anything I can get for you two before we land?” She ask sweetly.

“No
, thank you,” I say as Marcus completely ignores her.

All of this is new for me and I despise change. It’s one of my greatest fears along with
driving. 

Marcus moves in his seat grabbing my attention as I look over to him to see him watching me. He l
ets out a long breath. “I…we…” He’s awkward with his words. “I didn’t tell anyone what happened and Nate didn’t really know what was going on so we are in the clear,” he says like I should be happy about that. “Riley will be there when we land,” he pauses for a second watching me. “I think you really need to give things with him a chance Gemma. He will be able to get you to where you always wanted to be or at least as close as you can get.” He says knowing I dream of revenge not only for our mother, but for all the other shifters who have lost love ones. He also knew I dreamed of one day having a say and with Riley I would, but what he doesn’t know is that those dreams vanished the moment I laid eyes on Beau. So I just nod then try to relax my still aching heart.

Not long after that we land and just like Marcus has said Riley is there with concern all over his face
. He quickly hugs me too him and even though it’s comforting and warm, it’s not the arms I crave. Riley holds me all the way home and always has some part of himself touching me as he walks me to my room.

We sit there in silence, but it’s unnerving. “Gemma I know why y
ou are upset,” he says and immediately he has my attention. “You know these things happen and yes sometimes we can be at fault but this isn’t one of those times,” he says moving closer to me. “Marcus told me what happened.” Riley gently places two fingers under my chin to turn my head to face him. “Missions like those never seem to work out and that is nothing to be ashamed of or angry about. We lost good men and they will not be mourned, but glorified for their service.”

I’m
relieved at his words, but the dismissal of the dead is not how I feel at this moment. Those men died way too young, but I’m too numb to fight about it. I lay back onto the bed and long to feel anything then the nothingness I feel right at this moment.

Riley pat
s my hip then gets up to leave. I want so badly to say something, anything to ask him to stay or to tell him never to speak to me again. Once he turns off the lights and leaves the room I know what I want, but the moment for that has passed. I want him to hold me. Just to feel loved for just a moment and pretend that it’s Beau. He wanted me to believe him when he said we would find a way for us to be together and I want to, but I can’t.

Hugging my knees to my chest with
all my blankets covering me, I feel as cold as if I was lifeless. I feel dead on the inside knowing I will never truly be whole again. Beau has the other half of me and even though he may think we will be whole again I know that is just not a reality for this life. The rest of the night and most of the morning I toss and turn never really getting a moment of peace.

I wake to the sounds of very loud banging against my door. Groaning I glance over to my clock and want to curse. I’ve slept most of the day missing both breakfast and lunch. “Gemma!” Bang, bang, bang. “I know you’re in there,” Riley says and I’m too tired to deal with this.

My bare feet land on my small rug then the cold concrete as I step off the grey rug. I swing my door wide o
pen with only one eye half open. Riley eyes me disapproving before entering my room. “Sure you can come in,” I say sullenly slamming my door harder then I intended.

Climbing back onto my bed I can already feel the warm spot that I had such a hard time with last night cooling already. Quickly I reposition myself back into that position I was in rewarming it as I close my eyes.

“Gemma, what are you doing?” He sighs and I don’t even turn into his direction. I hear the sound of metal bending and I know he has just damaged my chair beyond repair. When I still don’t acknowledge his presents. I hear the sound of his military boots almost stomp into the floor then stop right in front of me. “Gemma your acting like a child,” he says as if I should be offended by his words. I might be acting out a little, but I hurt everywhere and I’m so drained. This is me controlling myself. 

The sou
nd of his boots hitting the floor grabs my attention as I watch him remove his shirt and then crawl onto my bed. My initial reaction is to yell or ask him what he is doing, but I don’t do or say anything. I just watch as he examines my reaction. Slowly he lays down next to me over my covers and just looks at me. The look he gives me at the door is gone from his face and this new expression is nearly blank.

We stay like that for a long time. Neither talking nor moving just staring at each other. He does break the peace by moving the hair away from my face making it easier for me to clearly see him. His lips move bring
ing my eyes to them as he fights with what he should say. I don’t help him, but instead watch as he struggles. 

After a while when I finally guess he decides that nothing is going to come from this
, he shifts to sit on my bed. He pauses with his back towards me as he leans his elbows down to his knees. I watch as his muscular back bends and stretches as he breathes in deep. “Try to eat something today,” he says not looking at me as he collects himself and then leaves my room.

I wait only a few moments after he leaves to shower and clean myself up. The only thing I got from Riley’s visit was that I needed to get myself together
, even if it kills me. He didn’t say it but I knew that he wanted to say that or something close to that. I can’t let this pain inside me control me. I feel out for Marcus, but he is pretty closed off himself too.

~*~

When I make it out for dinner Riley doesn’t show up and again with my mixed up emotions I don’t know what to really feel. I kind of wanted him here to have some since of normalcy. Marcus does show up and even though he acts as if nothing is wrong I can feel it. It’s almost like a fracture and I know that my emotions are throwing him off. He still eats everything off his tray and off those of the trays around him. “You’re a pig,” I say and he looks at me with a grin.

“You
’re the only one who thinks that, but that doesn’t matter because other women think differently.” He plays with me bringing me out of my mood. “Isn’t that right Lily,” he says looking over at her. I laugh at the sight of her. She is nodding her head frantically, eyes wide, and her hands are messing with her already perfectly managed hair unknowingly getting spaghetti sauce into her hair. Tears fill my eyes as I laugh harder and Marcus smiles a true smile down at me now. It’s almost like he knew that she would do that.  

Our pack masters beta, Henry, comes over to our table and everyone goes silent. Henry has always strived himself on the power of the beta. Everyone knows he wanted to be entered into the games
, but was told he wasn’t pack master material. Ever since then he’s been hell on wheels. Probably because soon he will have to step down as beta letting the only bit of power he ever had go. It might be a mean thing to think let alone say, but no one likes him and maybe even want him dead.

His brown eyes scan our table landing on me.
Great.
“Gemma come with me,” he says leaving as soon as the words leave his lips. Hushed mummers spread across the hall and again I’m the talk of the hour.

Rushing
, I catch up with Henry down the hall. “Beta,” I say first knowing he will only respond to that.

He keeps walking at almost a light jog and my
annoyance with him has passed its limit. I know he heard me but is choosing not to respond so I just follow him as we enter the pack masters office. “Sit,” he orders smiling as I do so. “Wait here until you’re called,” he spits out leaving without another word. 

Looking at the pack masters closed office door I know he is in their cause I can see a shadow pacing. Many would be worried if they were in my position
, but I rarely got into trouble when I’m called in his office.

A
ngry shouts draw my attention back to the office door. “You can’t rely on her,” pack master yells and I wonder who he is yelling at before I recognize the voice.

“No, I won’t hear any more of this
.” Riley raises his voice a little to make is point clear and I don’t understand what is going on.

“Technically
it doesn’t matter what you think, I’m in charge of her, I know what’s best for her.” I hear footsteps move closer to the door then stop. “You need to take care of yourself and she’ll understand that. So much is at stake right now,” he pauses for a brief moment. “I know you care deeply for her and I couldn’t see her paired off better but she and her brother have a tendency to lack emotion. They love each other greatly which makes them an excellent fighting pair, but they don’t seem to let that love move farther then each other. Their mother was never like that. She loved too much and trusted in people who she should never had trusted.” He says that last part with so much anger I can feel the power of those word come off like waves.

“I think your wrong about her. She does have feelings, she cares
.” Riley says still standing where he was before.

“I didn’t say
she didn’t care. Her emotions for revenge and the way she cares for our people are unmistakable, but getting her to love you might never happen.” Pack master says moving to sit back in his chair. “I love her as if she’s my own, her brother too. I practically raised them. Maybe not in the best way but in the best way I knew how. They mean more to me then I let on, so yes I know how to handle her, end of,” he says so officially and I don’t think I’m really supposed to be here.

I hear Riley fall into a chair and feel his emotions over the conversation he just had. He’s mad, hurt, confused, but it’s the feeling he feels towards me that hurt the worst. It’s love. He loves me and I know deep in my heart the pack master is right on one thing, I will never truly love Riley. My heart already belongs to another. It doesn’t matter how brief it was the connection I felt with Beau, it awakened parts me that that I’ve never felt before. It showed me, just momentary, that yes I could feel
that kind of love and I did for a complete stranger.

Raising out of the chair I’m sitting in it makes a noise and everything is quiet. Just as I’m about to turn the corner to leave Riley exits the pack master office spotting me. I watch as he mouths the words
‘shit’ then calls my name out as he follows me down the hall. “Gemma wait please let me explain,” he pleads catching up to me quickly. I wasn’t running so I didn’t take him long. I don’t know how I feel about what I just heard so I don’t know what he expects me to say.

I stop and both of his hands are on me as I
watch his eyes glow dimly amber. When he looks me over I really think he is expecting water works or something because a line creases on his forehead before it’s smooth’s out. “Do you want to talk about it out here?” I ask knowing that is the last thing he wants and I watch him look around the now crowded hall.

He shakes his head as he take
s my hand leading us away from all the knowing eyes. We pass many places to have this conversation and I don’t know where he is taking me.

Soon he’s
opening the door of his room pushing me into his room as he shuts the door. I walk over to his desk chair thinking space is best for this conversation. It hasn’t even started, but I feel numb to it already. His eyes watching my every breath, every move, and every look I make for many minutes.

“How much did you hear
?” He finally asks and of course that’s what anyone would ask. I bring my eyes up from his metal desk and look up at him.

“I guess not enough
,” I say softly then add, “I don’t understand.”

I watch him swallow
then clear his throat a few times before speaking again. “We were having a disagreement about you,” he pauses watching me still. “When you got back you looked so lost and I only brought it up because I was very worried for you. I don’t like seeing you like this and I would do anything to help you. So I talked to the pack master and he thinks he knows you better than I do. He thinks he knows everything,” he says getting up and pacing now like he did in the office a moment ago. “He thinks you’re going to be a distraction for me in the games. That you don’t feel anything for me or anybody really, but I don’t believe that.” He stops pacing and kneels before me. “He thinks that I will die,” he says and the fact that I keep forgetting.

“You won’t die
,” I say wanting to comfort him more, but decide against it for now. His hand rest on my knee over my blue uniform pants.

He
eye’s me for a moment then looks back down to where his hand is moving tenderly across my knees. “Do you not have any feelings for me?” He asks in an excruciating tone. It’s heartbreaking to hear and it makes me want to lie to fix this immediately. Tell him anything to get that look off his face and that devastating tone out of his voice.

I know that I do feel for Riley
, but not in the manner that he would have it. We never said it to anyone not even to each other, but we have always been friends in our own way. My only friend outside of my brother. Looking back on my life he has always been there for me and acknowledging that now has me breathless. “Say something,” he pleads in that same tone, but his eyes are on me now. I don’t know I’m crying until his fingers come up and gently wipe them off my cheek before they have a chance to fall.

“I do have feelings for you
,” I admit.

The anguish in his face loosens making it easier for me to breathe. “Then I can work with that
,” he says placing his forehead onto my hands. “Thank you,” he says like he hasn’t been able to breathe and I just gave it to him. It’s too much for me at this moment. To have someone place all their happiness onto you is unhealthy for both.

“But he was right that I
can’t give you what you want or need,” I add and I feel his hands tighten slightly.

“I don’t care what he says Gemma, only what you feel or say is what matters to me. If you need more time
it’s yours, whatever you want you can have. I just need you, please don’t leave me, not now.” He pleads and I don’t have to heart to say no nor do I want to sign his death warrant.

“I’m not going anywhere
,” I say holding him too me. With him pressed this close to me I can feel his heart beat so hard against me. Taking a deep breath I know I have just dug a deeper hole for myself.