Unconditionally (Brown County #4) (15 page)

Tessa’s voice was the one I heard first, “Gio wants to come talk to you…”

Quickly lifting my head, my eyes were wide, and I felt my heart beat a bit faster at the thought of me seeing him before I was ready. “NO!” I screamed. “I don’t want to see him right now.” Tessa nodded her head and then went to relay the message to Mike and Brock who was guarding the backstage door from anyone else entering.

I wasn’t one to make a habit out of using curse words, I just thought there was better ways of expressing oneself, my opinion only, but I didn’t hesitate in releasing, “What in the actual fuck just happened on that stage? I had been trying to get over this man for the longest time because he said he couldn’t love me and now he comes and tries to pull this shit?” I was extending my arm towards the door as if Gio was actually standing there. I was past the point of confusion, I was downright pissed.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I immediately dug it out and sent it to voicemail only to have it start up again just mere seconds later. I slid my hand across the screen to answer the call and I stood from the chair I was seated in and began pacing on the tiled floor, back and forth.

“I can’t see you right now Gio…”

“I understand, I just needed you to know, and with you constantly blowing me off lately--.”

“That meant that I didn’t want to talk to you, I didn’t see the point.”

“I just wanted you to actually sit down and talk with me so we could try and work things out but I got desperate, I needed you to know that I’m in love with you and want to be with you.”

“Stop! You don’t get to say things like that to me anymore. We’ve been broken up for the better part of a year and you just now came to that realization that you love me?” I continued to pace around as my voice grew louder and my tone got angrier. “You are toxic to me and you threw me out as if I were nothing, as if what we had was nothing. Why should I give you another chance? Do you think that this will work when I can’t trust you?” I was losing my luster, past the point of giving up, my voice was now quieter, almost to a whisper, “Hasn’t the damage already been done?”

“Toby, the most important thing that I can say is that I’m sorry and even I know that won’t be enough. I’m begging you to give me a second chance, let me show you that I can be the man that I need to be. I was scared before and I understand that I didn’t take into accountability of your feelings and I regret that so very much. So please, please give me another chance.”

I bit my lip to try and put a halt on the floodgates that were about to erupt, my head was telling me that he could have his second chance but my heart wasn’t as convinced. “Gio, I’m going to have to think about this, just… Just come to tomorrow night’s show if you can and we’ll talk afterward.”

After I hung up with Gio I plopped my butt right back on the chair I had occupied just minutes before and I didn’t do a thing to stop the tears that started to escape and cascade down my face.

Emmalynne pulled up a chair and sat down right next to me and grabbed ahold of one of my hands and began smoothing her thumb over my skin.

“I don’t know what to do, I was ready to completely forget about him and give up so I could move on with my life and then he goes and drops this massive bombshell on me. He said that all he could really say was that he was sorry and begged me to give him another chance. He said that he regretted not taking my feelings into consideration but he’s changed. No one has ever made me feel like he had except for my parents. They both just forgot about me as if I wasn’t worthy enough, as if I was nothing to them. Gio moved onto several different people the next night.”

Sheridan came up behind me and placed both of her small hands on my shoulders, giving a gentle rub up and down one arm, “In the end, you have to do what’s best for you, what makes you happy.”

“You know, I’ve been thinking.” Tessa crouched down in front of me, and if she was thinking then we all could be in trouble. “Don’t give me that look Sheridan, there are some brains under this blonde hair.” All I could do was shake my head but I did look up into Tessa’s eyes, and saw empathy shining back at me. “From what you told me about Ethan and you the other day and the look of pure remorse and dread that I just saw flash on his face out in the bar a few minutes ago, I would have to say that the guy has feelings for you.”

Maggie came up and pushed Tessa’s arm, “Tessa we aren’t even talking about Ethan.”

“Geez I know but you didn’t see him looking as if someone kicked his puppy,” Tessa fired back as she clutched her shoulder, rubbing the sting out of it from where Maggie shove her.

I didn’t really look into Tessa’s statement too much because one, Ethan hated me and two, Maggie was right, I had Gio on my mind now.

Tonight looked like it would be spent weighing the pros and cons of our relationship. It was going to be a long night.

Toby

A steady stream of light was shining in my face making me teeter on the edge of awake and obliviousness. I tried my hardest to fight to stay asleep but the unrelenting sun wasn’t on my side. Once I rubbed my eyes free of sleep so I could adjust to the lighting, I rolled over to my back and just lay there staring at the ceiling. It wasn’t until several minutes after I was looking at the speckled lines did I realize that the sun normally didn’t come in through my window until the early afternoon, I must’ve slept longer than I anticipated and with as late as I was up last night I wasn’t even going to balk at the time.

My mind was muddled with qualities and inadequacies that I found in Gio. I found myself placing some of each into a pros and cons category. This felt incredibly wrong, I shouldn’t be judging him by his deficits but I was at an all-time low. Things would’ve definitely been better off if I could just run away to Mexico or even Australia to start over. I knew that it was winter in Australia so what better time to go, I’d much rather deal with the cold then facing this unyielding warmth.

I finally rolled to my side and snatched my phone off of the nightstand to check the time. “Holy shit,” I knew it must’ve been late but I didn’t foresee it already being two in the afternoon. Since I already had my phone I checked for messages, which thankfully there were none, then I lollygagged around on social media. I should’ve known that it would make me even more dejected. Everyone was posting their gleeful status updates about falling in love or having babies, I tried to be happy for them I really did, but my world was bleak in comparison. If I were to cave and post an update about my life, I would be called out for negativity and not seeing the bright side of things, such as that the fact that I was still alive. I supposed you had to take the good with the bad, and hopefully there would be more sunny days ahead.

A chime came through and a text message popped up on my screen from an unknown number.

Hey, Toby! It’s Gwen. Would you possibly be willing to come do a few of the girls’ makeup today around 5? I would greatly appreciate it, let me know!

This would seriously be cutting it close as far as getting to Emmy Lou’s on time for the show, but then again it would help me keep my mind off of things until then.

I added Gwen in as a new contact then my fingers flew across the screen of my phone as I typed her a quick response back.

TOBY: Sure sounds good! But better make it 4:30 because I have a show at 7 so I’ll have to leave no later than 6.

Time was up on being lazy, I had to eat and get ready before I had to leave around 4, which meant I needed to get a move on. At least there was absolutely no obsessing over my life altering decision that had to be made. I sent a quick text to Tessa letting her know since she was working at Emmy Lou’s today that I wouldn’t be as punctual as I normally was, which meant I would be even more fashionably late, but I would indeed make it on time.

My choice of wardrobe for the evening had to be on point and I didn’t have enough time to get knee deep into what I wore. Basically covering my eyes with a hand, I played eenie meenie and chose a pair of pants and repeated the process with my shirt and shoes and hoped like hell that I could make the outfit work.

Arriving at Big Pete’s freshly showered and without a minute to spare, I flung open the front door, letting the outside light filter in around me. Stepping inside I slid my Ray-Bans down my nose and off of my face. When I looked up it was directly in the line of sight of Roman. Our eyes locked as I flitted past him on my way towards backstage and we each exchanged a sorrowful smile, the side of my mouth barely even lifting. Adding a small wave of my hand, I wondered if we would ever allow things to go back to the way they were or if it’ll continue to always be uncomfortable.

I let myself into the room where I applied Gwen’s makeup before and instantly regretted it, at least two other drag queens screamed out in embarrassment as they ran directly behind the changing screen.

“My bad,” I yelled as I held my free hand up in the air, “I guess I should’ve knocked, huh?”

“Ya think?” One queen sneered at me.

I dropped my hand down to where it was perched upon my hip, “Geez, don’t get your panties all in a bunch, it’s not like you have much to see anyways.” And I snapped my fingers and rolled my eyes in her general direction. Fierce Toby hasn’t made an appearance in quite a while, it was nice to know that I still had it and he was tucked away somewhere for just the right time.

“Let’s just all chill out. Sabrina, Zoey, this is Toby, he’ll be doing your makeup for the show this evening. Now you best be checking your attitude unless you want to apply your own makeup and I know firsthand you want him to do it.” She looked at me and said under her breath, “They think bright blue eye shadow up to their forehead is stylish.” I snickered as I walked over to the vanity and opened up my makeup case.

Spinning around on my feet, I faced the two now dressed queens and showed off my Vanna White skills towards the director’s chair, “So, who’s first?”

One thing about drag queens, they though that it was just fine and dandy to cake makeup on their face, well I was here to show them that less was definitely more. Once I worked my magic and applied a neutral eye shadow also a few swipes of the mascara wand, enough to make their eyes pop, Gwen sent them on their way back out into the bar until it was show time.

Gwen walked over to the director’s chair and took a seat, she didn’t even have to instruct me on what she wanted I just unscrewed the lid to my cold cream, scooped a small dollop out with my finger, and began massaging it just under her eyes into her ivory skin.

The way she sat there stoically quiet, I knew she had something on her mind that she needed to set free. “Go on, out with it.”

Rolling her eyes she said sarcastically, “Now you’re a mind reader?”

I stopped what I was doing and leaned up against the lighted mirror vanity, “What can I say, I’m a man of many talents.”

She began fiddling with her hands in her lap, she tried to portray herself as a big bad bitch, but inside she was a fragile soul just trying to make it. I hoped that one day she would finally see her full potential and not second guess herself on everything. I know what self-doubt can do to you and I just hoped that she was strong enough to get through it.

“Roman feels really bad about what happened.” I stuck my hand up, trying to stop her from continuing on, but she ignored me and continued, “I know it’s none of my business, but I can guess what happened and he’s been super mopey around here over the past few weeks. I don’t know if you just would’ve give each other a chance or what it is…”

“I’m gonna stop you right there. There was never anything more to become of us, he knows that and I know that. It was a case of hurt feelings and I’m already well on my way to getting past that. He has some serious obstacles to overcome and someday he will when he finds that one person that he can’t live without. But that person isn’t me and I’m fine with it, more than fine actually.”

“You’re a good man, Toby.”

“People
really
need to stop telling me this, I’m going to develop an enormous ego!” I looked down at my silver watch on my left wrist and I had just enough time to get to Emmy Lou’s. I leaned forward and gave Gwen a small kiss on her cheek, “I’d love to stay and chat more doll, but I have to go.”