Unconditional (5 page)

How long had it been since she’d come alive under a man’s hand?

Had she ever?

“Yes.” She studied Karina. About twenty strokes in, she’d taken a long breath and she’d relaxed on the St. Andrew’s Cross.

But there had been a weird disconnect between her and the Dom working her over. Simon Weston was one of the nicest men Ashley had met since she’d started working at Sanctum. He was always polite and had a ready smile for her. He ordered tea as often as he ordered something with liquor, and when she’d gone out of her way to make sure it had been properly prepared, he’d praised her wholeheartedly. Still, she thought Karina had more of a connection with the detective who seemed to ruffle her every feather.

Even now, Derek Brighton was watching, his face dark as Weston flicked the whip and Karina’s head sagged.

“Do you understand the term subspace?”

She turned to Keith slightly. “I know it sounds like heaven.”

Some subs talked about it the way vanilla people talked about orgasms. It was a place where nothing mattered but the feeling, where safety and pleasure were the only sensations. She was very interested in subspace, even if it was just a way to relax. She never relaxed anymore.

Keith’s low chuckle hummed along her neck. “I’ve heard it’s a little like that. It’s an endorphin rush a sub gets from serving her Master, from pushing herself. I want to help you find that.”

“By spanking my ass.” She was just the tiniest bit sarcastic. It seemed so odd to find pleasure from pain. She’d had so much pain in her life and gotten not an ounce of pleasure from it. It was hard to believe, but she trusted her sister and her sister had flourished in this lifestyle.

“I might have to start now if you decide to get a smart mouth.”

Something about how deep his voice got made her a little hot. More than a little. A lot.

“Step back and let’s have a talk,” he commanded.

She felt his hand tangle with hers and let him lead her back from the front of the stage toward the lounge area.

Hours had passed and she felt more comfortable here on the dungeon floor with him than she had in the months she’d worked here.

But it was easier to be a part of the crowd than to be one on one.

Especially when she wasn’t sure how to talk to him. She’d signed a contract with him that said he had power over her in this club. She had plenty of outs. She had chosen a safe word. Giraffe. It was Emily’s favorite toy. Soft giraffe. Jillian had bought it for her. Yeah, there was something wrong that her safe word was her baby girl’s stuffed animal.

Not that she would need it. Her Dom had been a perfect gentleman.

Keith led her through the club. She passed by a couple of people she knew, including the detective who preferred beer to liquor. The detective had moved back into the bar, though he was still frowning at Weston as he continued flicking the whip on Karina’s backside.

And Damon Knight. The “murder machine,” as her employer put it. He was standing on the outside of the scene area, leaning heavily on his cane. He was thinner than he needed to be, than she was sure he was when he was healthy. He was a tall man with broad shoulders and a hungry look, like a lion who had been injured but not killed. He would come back stronger than ever. Eventually.

She also saw Joe manning the bar. He gave her a wink and a lecherous look as she entered the lounge. It was easy to laugh at that because Joe had zero interest in her hot bod. He would likely fight her for Keith, though. She blew him a kiss and gave him a little leg lift. Joe was one of the few people she’d gotten close to since she’d moved to the city. She would have to tell him all the details the next time they worked together.

“Friend of yours?” Keith asked, his voice dark.

She looked up and his eyes were on Joe, who was hiding a grin as he pulled out the expensive Scotch for Ian Taggart. The owner was sitting at the bar with his wife.

“Yes,” she said. “We work together.”

“Are you in a relationship with him?”

“What?”

“It’s a simple question. On your entrance questionnaire you checked that you were single, but you seem to have something going with the bartender.”

She had to shake her head at the thought. “Uhm, he’s just a friend. I was playing with him.”

“You were flirting with him.”

Holy hell. How had she gone from zero to a hundred on the shit scale in two point three seconds flat? His face was shut down, no hint of a smile there now. “Don’t be ridiculous. Do you not have a gaydar, Keith? He’s not exactly drooling over me. Besides, you said you weren’t looking for anything more than a casual relationship.”

“First of all, I don’t know what that means, but it sounds bratty and sarcastic and we talked about your smart mouth, which I actually find quite charming, but gives me a great excuse to spank you. And I really don’t like a sub who is under my protection to flirt with another man.” He frowned. “Oh, it’s gay and radar.”

He was so serious. She had to cover her smile. “Yes. It’s not exactly a new term.”

“I spend a lot of time with lawyers,” he admitted. “Gaydar hasn’t come up in any of my contracts.”

She’d wondered what she could offer him. The contract had seemed very one-sided, tilting toward her. He offered his expertise, his care. She offered the not-so-real possibility of sex somewhere down the line.

But what if she could give him something else? What if she could make him smile?

“I am a font of slang knowledge. Ask me anything. I’ll tell you that the evening has been tots amazeballs and the look on your face is abso adorbs.”

No smile there, just a look of complete confusion. “I’m really fucking old.”

“Nope, I’m just one of the oldest college freshmen in the world. Seriously, college students can mangle the English language like you wouldn’t believe.”

He took a seat on one of the plush chairs that marked the bar area. The rest of the club was stark and somewhat industrial looking. She hadn’t been in some of the rooms until earlier this evening when Keith had escorted her through. The medical room had been a bit of a shocker, but the privacy rooms looked nice and intimate. It would be the perfect place to spend some quiet time with a lover, if one was so inclined.

Which she wasn’t.

But she’d always liked the bar. Even the staff rooms were cozy. She sat down opposite Keith, her first time to be a guest instead of a server.

He frowned her way. “That’s not your place, Ashley.”

He pointed down to the plush pillow by his feet.

Yeah, she should have known that. Lord knew she’d watched more than one submissive resting near her Master. She just hadn’t thought she would do it herself.

She got to her feet, tugging at the tiny little skirt she was wearing. If she even breathed wrong her undies would show. Of course, if she breathed too much, her boobs might pop out and then Keith would definitely run the other way. Her boobs had fed a baby, and Emily hadn’t been the most delicate eater. Her breasts sagged more than a twenty-five-year-old’s should. Way more. And she had stretch marks. And the C-section scar.

She didn’t look like Karina or Eve McKay. Alex McKay’s sub was the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen. Eve walked into the bar on the arm of her muscular husband. Walked? Hell, she kind of glided even though she was wearing a pair of heels that would have made Ashley break an ankle.

“Is there a problem?” Keith’s brows had risen over disapproving eyes.

She was screwing up royally. She gave him a hopefully brilliant smile and shook her head. “Nope. I’m sure I can handle sitting.”

Sort of. She watched as Eve sank to her pillow with perfect grace. And then Ashley sort of tumbled because she was also trying to hide the fact that she was wearing cotton panties with little flamingos on them. Of course, because she’d been tugging her skirt down, she lost her balance and her legs went wide, letting those pink birds fly.

Keith reached down, helping her back into a more discreet position. “What are you wearing?”

She was confused by the question. “What you sent me.”

“I didn’t send you…were those birds?”

She laughed a little. “Oh, yeah, sorry about that. You forgot to send me underwear so I kind of had to wear the ones I was wearing. Hey, you’re lucky. These are some of my nice ones.”

He loomed over her. “I didn’t send you underwear because you’re not allowed to wear it in this club. Also, I don’t care that that man is gay. I don’t want you flirting with him when you’re with me. It’s rude and upsets me. Give me the underwear.”

She felt her eyes go wide. “What?”

“You understood me. You’ve proven to have a wonderful knowledge of the English language in all its iterations.” He held a big hand out, palm up.

She thought back to her very explicit instructions. In the club, when she was with Keith, she was only to wear the clothing he provided for her, and it would be some form of fet wear. The clothing was purchased specifically for her and she was welcome to keep it to form her own lifestyle wardrobe.

But when she’d realized he’d forgotten the undies, she’d decided it was an oversight.

She’d heard Ryan argue with her sister that she shouldn’t spend so much on lingerie since she wasn’t allowed to wear panties. Karina had been wearing a teeny tiny thong, but then she didn’t have a permanent Dom, and even Master Simon had required she be naked on the St. Andrew’s Cross. The only submissive she’d seen wearing anything that really covered her ass was the big boss’s sister-in-law. Chelsea seemed to be allowed to wear fet wear that covered her legs and backside.

But that didn’t mean Ashley would be allowed to.

“It’s not a hard choice, Ashley.” Keith took a knee in front of her, his face softening slightly. “You either want to try this or you don’t.”

She couldn’t hold back the tears that started. “It’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one who’s going to be half naked.”

“No. That’s not my role, although you’ll note that the male subs are on full display. Part of this process forces you to get used to your body, to come to love and appreciate the skin you’re in. It’s not for everyone. Though it should be. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a body you hate for utterly ridiculous reasons?”

She sniffled a little. “Ridiculous?”

He chuckled. “Yes. I’m sure you’ve decided that you’re not beautiful. Somewhere along the way, you listened to the media who tell you every day that you have to be stick thin to be lovely. Derek, my new sub is struggling with how beautiful she is.”

She looked up. She hadn’t even realized that the detective had joined them. He sat down in the chair she’d recently vacated, his dark eyes steady on her.

“I wouldn’t put it like that.” This was the part she was so going to struggle with. She had no idea how she would ever be comfortable without the armor of clothes. She didn’t look like the rest of the women.

“How would you put it?” The lieutenant leaned forward slightly. “You have gorgeous breasts. Your ass is perfectly luscious. What exactly is wrong with you?”

Danger Ashley Paxon! Danger!
Yeah, she knew perfectly well that Doms didn’t like it when a sub complained about the imperfections of her body. Karina had explained that to her not an hour before.

Keith smiled at her, the uptick of his lips causing her heart to skip a little beat. “Smart girl. I can see your brain working. Here’s the deal I’m going to make with you. You decide. I’m going to sit here and talk to Master Derek and you’re going to contemplate what you want. You don’t have to tell me tonight. This is a long process and it doesn’t have to go faster than you’re comfortable with. If you choose, we’ll sit here for the rest of the night and when we pick up again, you will do it without underwear and you’ll take your punishment for disobeying me.”

He smoothed her hair back, a comforting gesture, and moved into his seat, doing exactly what he’d promised her. He was giving her time and space and forcing her to make a decision.

He spoke to the lieutenant about something that was happening around the city, but she couldn’t follow the conversation. Her brain was playing back some of the things he’d said to her.

Did she really want to spend the rest of her life being uncomfortable with her own body? This wasn’t just about a spanking. She was being forced to make decisions. If she couldn’t even take off her underwear in a place where she felt perfectly safe, how was she going to ever be intimate with a man again? Was sex really unimportant to her? She’d been sexless since the moment she’d discovered she was pregnant and Trevor had left her with a note and nothing more. She’d given her body over to her baby’s welfare and shut down any thought of her own pleasure.

Was she willing to spend her life without trying to figure out why Jillian blushed every time Ryan walked in a room?

She didn’t understand it. Her sister was so madly in love and Ashley couldn’t imagine ever feeling that way about another human being. Her parents had been cold, never touching, never saying the sweet things she’d learned lovers said.

Watching the couples here had made her think that she was missing something. Was she willing to miss that elusive something for the rest of her life? Would she end up like her mother, unable to give her daughter affection because she’d given up on emotional connection long before?

She didn’t want that for her baby. Ashley’s own desperate need for affection was what had sent her straight to Trevor the asshole. If Emily never saw her mom have a decent relationship, would she even be able to form connections herself?

Keith wasn’t going to be around forever. She got that. He was gorgeous. He was a billionaire. He would eventually find someone who could run his household and be an advantage when it came to his business. But he was willing to help her out now and for the foreseeable future.

All he asked was that she not allow her own insecurities to form a wall around her.

Was she going to let this chance go so no one got to see her girl parts?

She liked Keith. She was attracted to him. She was terrified at the thought of sleeping with him. What if it didn’t work? What would he think of her? And did that matter when she wanted so badly to see where he would take her?