Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (63 page)

When his strength returned, he packed enough “human jerky” to get back to the Los Pinos Agency. Several miles from the agency, he emptied his pack to conceal his crime. He was welcomed by General Adams, commander of the agency, but shocked everyone by asking for whiskey instead of food. When he flashed a huge bankroll, they started asking questions.

Packer’s explanations were vague and contradictory. First, he claimed he was attacked by natives, then he claimed that some of his party had gone mad and attacked him. On April 4, 1874, two of Chief Ouray’s braves found the human remains Packer had discarded. General Adams locked him up and dispatched a lawman named Lauter to the cabin to investigate. But while Lauter was away, Packer managed to escape.

He made his way back to Utah and lived quietly for 10 years as “John Schwartze,” until a member of the original party recognized him. Packer was arrested on March 12, 1884 and returned to Lake City, Colorado, for trial.

Packer claimed innocence but as the evidence against him mounted, he finally confessed. Apparently, he reveled in the attention his trial gave him and even lectured on the merits of human flesh. The best “human jerky,” he said, was the meat on the chest ribs. The judge was not impressed.

“Alferd G. Packer, you no good sonofabitch, there wasn’t but seven Democrats in Hinsdale County, and you done et five of ’um,” he thundered. “You’re gonna hang by the neck until dead!”

His lawyer appealed the decision, citing a legal loophole. The crime was committed in 1873, in the
territory
of Colorado. The trial began in 1884, in the new
state
of Colorado. The state constitution, adopted in 1876, did not address such a heinous crime, so the charge was reduced to manslaughter and Packer was sentenced to 40 years in prison. He was a model prisoner and was paroled after 16 years. Freed in 1901, he found work as a wrangler on a ranch near Denver.

On April 21, 1907, Alferd G. Packer, horse wrangler and cannibal, died quietly in his sleep.

The only fish that swims upright: the seahorse.

It’s comforting to know that other people are screwing up even worse than we are. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.

JERUSALEM—“It was, to say the least, a very unfortunate mistake. German chancellor Gerhard Schroeder accidentally extinguished Israel’s eternal memorial flame for the six million Jews killed in the Nazi Holocaust.

“At a somber ceremony in Jerusalem’s Yad Vashem Holocaust Memorial, Schroeder turned a handle that was supposed to make the flame rise. It went out instead. Israeli prime minister Ehud Barak stepped forward to try to help, but was unsuccessful. Finally, a technician used a gas lighter to bring the flame to life again, but by then the damage had been done.”

—Reuters

“A Grand Rapids, Minnesota, SWAT team, scheduled a drill at a local high school with actors and actresses playing the part of terrorists. But they mistakenly stormed another school next door. One of the teachers terrorized in the ‘raid’ said she was sure she was about to be killed as she was led from the building at gunpoint by the officers, who never identified themselves.”

—
Bonehead of the Day

PHILADELPHIA—“Construction workers recently did a ‘chimney sweep’ of a vacant building and found the remains of a serial burglar who had tried to rob the place several years ago. According to Detective Romonita King, workers were knocking down the chimney Saturday when they smelled a foul odor. On closer inspection, they noticed a pair of sneakers, jeans, a Phillies cap, and what appeared to be human remains. The medical examiner’s office tentatively listed the cause of death as accidental compression asphyxia. It was reported that the remains could be at least
five years old and it was not known how long the business—ironically, a theft-prevention business—was closed.”

—
Bizarre News

What was John Tyler doing when he was informed that Pres. William Henry Harrison had died, making Tyler president? He was on his knees playing marbles.

“Lorenzo Trippi, a lifeguard in Ravenna, Italy, lost his job when three people drowned after he hit them with life preservers. Police said his aim was too accurate.”

—
Strange World #2

“Leonard Fountain, 68, got so fed up with having his gardening tools stolen from his shed that he rigged a homemade shotgun booby trap by the door. A year later, he was in a hurry to get some pruning done and opened the door, forgetting about the modification. He received severe flesh wounds to his right knee and thigh from the ensuing blast, and was charged with illegal possession of firearms.”

—
Stuff magazine

TACOMA, Wash.—“A seven-year-old boy practicing wrestling moves he had seen on TV bounced off his bed and tumbled out a second-story window. The boy sustained minor cuts and bruises after smashing through the bedroom window and tumbling two stories onto a cushion of grass. ‘He was jumping from the dresser and doing a back-flip to the bed and went straight out the window,’ said his mother.

“The boy was treated for minor internal injuries and hospitalized in satisfactory condition Friday. ‘It hurts to wrestle,’ he said. ‘I’m not doing any more wrestling moves.’”

—
CNN Fringe

“I watched the Indy 500 and I was thinking—if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.”

—Steven Wright

Everyone fantasizes about accidentally uncovering a treasure. Pompeii and Herculaneum were such treasures. They existed for a thousand years until, in one brief moment, they disappeared. Here’s the story of how they were lost…and found.

Two thousand years ago, the prosperous cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum thrived near Rome, 10 miles from the foot of the volcano Mount Vesuvius. Vesuvius hadn’t exploded for over 1,000 years; no one even knew it was a volcano. Then on August 24 in the year 79 A.D., it erupted, completely burying both cities under mountains of ash—Pompeii and Herculaneum were lost.

Mount Vesuvius continued to erupt sporadically over the centuries that followed, each time adding to the volcanic debris that covered the former town sites; each layer leaving the two cities more hidden than before. Four hundred years later, the Roman Empire collapsed, and legends about the two lost cities went with it. For 15 centuries, they lay forgotten and undisturbed, their stories untold. Then clues about their existence began to turn up. For example, around 1594, a Roman architect named Domenico Fontana was digging a canal to supply water to a rich man’s home when workmen uncovered pieces of ruined buildings and a few ancient coins. But nothing much came of the discovery.

In 1707 part of Italy came under Austrian rule, and Prince d’Elboeuf came to command the cavalry. He heard rumors of treasures being brought up from underground, so he promptly purchased a large parcel of land in the immediate vicinity. Over the next 30 years, he had shafts and tunnels dug and uncovered vases, statues, and even a number of polished marble slabs—once the floor of the theater in Herculaneum—all of which he used to decorate his villa.

Word of the prince’s finds spread, and other treasure hunters came looking. When the first skeleton—complete with bronze and silver coins—was unearthed in 1748, treasure fever hit hard. For
the next several years, artifacts were continually looted from the area. But it wasn’t until 1763, when workers unearthed an inscription reading
“res publica. Pompeianorum”
—meaning “the commonwealth of Pompeians”—that the ancient city was identified.

A museum dedicated to nuts in Old Lyme, Connecticut, also has the world’s largest nutcracker.

The looting of Pompeii and Herculaneum continued for 100 years until a new ruler, King Victor Emmanuel II, became interested in preserving the sites. In 1860 he put archaeologist Giuseppe Fiorelli in charge of excavations. From that time until the present, the treasures of Pompeii have been treated with the care and respect they deserve, and, in turn, they have taught much about daily life in ancient times.

Ironically, the explosion of Vesuvius occurred the day after the annual celebration of Volcanalia, festival of the Roman god of volcanic fire. When Vesuvius began quaking, spouting ash, and spewing rivers of lava on August 23, 79 A.D., most of Pompeii’s 20,000 inhabitants fled the area. For the next 12 hours, ash and pumice rained down on the town, accumulating at the rate of six inches per hour. About 2,000 people remained in the city. Perhaps they refused to abandon their treasures. Or possibly they were slaves ordered to stay behind. Early in the morning of August 24, Vesuvius really blew its top. By then, it was too late.

Crouching, crawling, and clinging to loved ones, the people were buried by ash, which perfectly preserved their positions at the moment of death. When rain came, the layer of ash turned to concrete, entombing the bodies in an undisturbed environment. The bodies themselves then slowly decayed. When archaeologist Fiorelli found the hollow cavities where the bodies had once been, he realized that by pumping wet plaster into what were essentially molds and letting it harden, he could make perfect casts of the dead.

A beggar with a new pair of shoes died at the city gate. Perhaps he had recently swiped the shoes from a corpse. The owners of a house were hiding their valuables in their well when they fell in and died. A dog was still chained up to a fence. A woman held an infant in her arms while two young girls clung to the hem of her dress. A man was trying to pull a goat by its halter outside the city
wall. Thirty-four people were hiding in a wine vault with food that they never got a chance to eat.

The seed cones of the cycad tree can weigh up to 90 lb.

A man, seeking refuge in a tree, died holding a branch. A young girl clutched a statue of a goddess. A man, lying next to a woman seven months pregnant, reached out to cover her face with his robe in the moment before death. A group of priests were about to sit down to a meal of eggs and fish. One of the priests had a hatchet and chopped his way from room to room as lava rushed after him. He was trapped in the last room, which had walls too thick to chop through. The remains of a woman were found next to a wine vat. Inside the vat were over 100 silver dishes and 1,000 pieces of gold. One of the silver cups bore this inscription:
Enjoy life while you have it, for tomorrow is uncertain.

Here was an entire thriving city, caught exactly at the peak of its prosperity and perfectly preserved: eggs unbroken; bread baking in an oven; coins left on a countertop. Pots on cookstoves still contained meat bones. Shops displayed onions, beans, olives, nuts, and figs. A heap of discarded fish scales was uncovered near a fish shop. A meal of bread, salad, cakes, and fruit was set on a table. Ropes and nets used by unknown fishermen were preserved, as was the straw padding recently removed from a shipment of glasswares.

Papyrus scrolls, charred but still readable, revealed dissertations on music and other subjects. There were taverns, snack shops, gambling halls, a stadium that could hold 20,000 spectators, theaters, public baths, streets with sewer systems and raised sidewalks, homes with plumbing, and thousands of works of art. Everyday objects such as perfume bottles and glass jars, sewing needles and brooms, muffin pans and cooking pots were found in the homes. Also uncovered: glass vases, tile mosaics, painted murals, marble statues, golden jewelry, bronze lanterns, jeweled amulets, religious icons, and exquisite furniture.

The excavation of Pompeii continues today—it’s estimated that only about a third of the town has been uncovered. Yet Vesuvius continues to rumble, most recently erupting in 1944.

Will it bury Pompeii again?

Play a round of golf, then drink 2 cocktails: you’ve just gained more calories than you burned.