Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (50 page)

“Nothing of importance happened today.”

Just to be safe, Uncle John only works on his superstition pages while wearing his lucky underwear. Here are some more classic folk superstitions.

• To tell who will be elected U.S. president, take two roosters, the evening before election, and name each for the respective candidates of the leading parties; place them together under a tub. Leave them overnight. The following morning uncover them and notice which crows first; the one crowing will indicate the election of the candidate for which he was named. It’s as good a way as any…

• When you get dressed in the morning be sure to put on your right sock and right shoe before you put on your left sock and left shoe, and you will have a good day.

• If a red-headed woman comes to your house on Monday, there will be confusion all week.

• Never sleep with the moon in your face. It will draw your mouth over and make it crooked.

• Cutting a baby’s nails before he is a year old makes a thief of him. Bite them off.

• When sitting in on a card game, get up and twist your chair three times on its forelegs—in the direction of the sun.

• If your left palm itches, money will come to you. But don’t under any circumstances scratch the itch. That will break the enchantment.

• If you dream of fresh pork and fish it is a sign of impending death.

• If by mistake you put on a sweater or some other clothing backward or inside out, it brings good luck. But you must wear it that way all day or your good luck will turn bad. The only exception to this rule is your underwear. You can turn it right side out just after lunch.

• If birds weave some of your hair into their nests, you will go crazy.

• Never take a broom along when you move. Throw out your old broom and buy a new one for your new home.

Hippos can run faster than humans.

Here are eight real-life examples of “politically correct” behavior. How sensitive are you? Try to guess which answer is the “correct” one. Answers are on
page 512
.

1.
In 2001 Carol Ann Demaret launched a boycott of a film that offended her. Which film and why?

a)
A.I.:
Artificial Intelligence.
“Abusing children, even robot children, is wrong.”

b)
Planet of the Apes.
“Ape actors should play the ape parts.”

c)
Bubble Boy.
“It mocks people without immunities.”

2.
The Brazilian city of Cascavel has banned municipal workers from engaging in what practice?

a)
Praying. “Religion has no place in the workplace. Do it on your own time.”

b)
Spreading gossip. “Public employees have moral rights.”

c)
Drinking French roast coffee during breaks. “French roast encourages the perception that Brazilian roast is inferior.”

3.
A high priest of the British White Witches is protesting the Warner Bros. film
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
for what reason?

a)
It shows witches in school. “Witches are born, not taught.”

b)
It shows witches riding brooms with the brush end in the back—real witches ride brooms brush-end forward.

c)
It shows several black witches.

4.
An organization in Florida launched a petition campaign to amend the state constitution to protect which of the following?

a)
Pregnant pigs, to protect them from “chronic stress.”

b)
Brahma bulls, to protect them from “anti-Hindu terrorism.”

c)
Human souls, to protect them from “abuse by atheists.”

X-rays of the Mona
Lisa
show that there are three different versions underneath.

5.
College professor Jon Willand, who has taught American history for more than 30 years, was reprimanded for doing what?

a)
Displaying an old recruiting poster that depicts General George Custer and seeks soldiers to fight “militant Sioux.”

b)
Stating that the civil rights movement was “all about ego.”

c)
Arranging the seating chart so that all the “hot babes” sat in front.

6.
Protestors outside the U.S. Embassy in Bombay, India, criticized the Bush administration’s White House website (
www.whitehouse.gov
) for which of the following reasons:

a)
Describing a rash as an “Indian burn” in a press release describing George Bush’s first presidential medical exam.

b)
Showing a picture of the entire Bush family—parents, daughters, two dogs… and a cat named India.

c)
Stating that Bush “feels the same way about Indian food that his father feels about broccoli.”

7.
A Canadian activist organization seeks to change Canada’s national anthem in what way?

a)
Replace “Canadians” with “North Americans.” (Endorses ethnic diversity…and better for tourism.)

b)
Remove the reference to the “milk of our sacred land.” (Offends vegans and the lactose intolerant.)

c)
Remove the phrase “all thy sons.” (Sexist.)

8.
According to scientific research conducted by the Australian Wine Research Institute, which of the following is “the best way to preserve the quality of white wine?”

a)
Use screwcaps instead of corks; they work better, plus they’re easier to open and cheaper, too.

b)
Drink it straight out of the bottle, wrapped in a small paper bag. The bag protects the wine against the sun.

c)
Mixing a little beer into the unfermented wine, before the bottle is corked and aged at the winery. Foster’s Lager works best.

Comic relief: What do you call a baby potato? A small fry.

People do some pretty strange things. Here are a few of the oddest records we’ve ever seen.

Record Holder:
Scott Jeckel

The Story:
Blessed from birth with the amazing ability to launch items from his nose with great precision, Jeckel once fired a marshmallow a distance of 16 feet, 3½ inches into the waiting mouth of partner Ray Persin—who ate it.

Record Holder:
Larry Harper

The Story:
Oshkosh, Wisconsin, native Larry Harper has been fishing his town’s sewers in his spare time for seven years and has caught 74 fish, 13 rats, 5 old shoes, and 1 tennis racket to date. Harper has even reeled in a small alligator, using a tuna sandwich as bait.

Record Holders:
Inmates of Carandiru Prison, Sao Paulo, Brazil

The Story:
On June 14, 2000, a record 120 prisoners and their lucky fiancées tied the knot simultaneously in a massive ceremony in romantic Carandiru Prison. Why did they do it? Carandiru was built for 3,000 inmates, but houses 7,500. Weekly riots and jail-breaks led authorities to organize the wedding, with the hope that prisoners with family ties would be less violent.

Record Holder:
Manjit Singh

The Story:
A regulation-size brick—weighing exactly nine pounds—has never traveled farther “in an ungloved hand in an
uncradled downward pincer grip” than when Manjit Singh lugged one 82.2 miles on foot from November 6 to 7, 1998.

I see: Only 1 out of every 3 people has 20/20 vision.

Record Holder:
Helga Svenstrup

The Story:
Notorious in her hometown of Copenhagen, Denmark, 67-year-old Svenstrup has been arrested 45 times for indecent exposure. At one of her hearings, she even flashed the presiding judge. Her greatest stunt: At a sold-out soccer match, she ran onto the field dressed as a cheerleader and performed cartwheels without underwear before 50,000 cheering spectators.

Record Holders:
Geoff Seale and Stuart Coleman

The Story:
At a school playground in 1999, dozens of pairs of Elmbridge, England, citizens raced neck and neck in two-man horse costumes for the title of World’s Fastest Horse Impersonators. The fleet-footed victors were Geoff Seale and Stuart Coleman, who “galloped” 328 feet in a record-breaking 16.7 seconds.

Record Holder:
Tom Shufflebotham

The Story:
At the first World Worm Charming Championship in Cheshire, England, in 1980, entrants tried to entice as many worms out of the ground as possible on a 32.3-square-foot lot. Using his amazing powers of worm appeal, Shufflebotham charmed 511 worms from the ground in just 30 minutes. How does he do it? He coaxes them to the surface by “vibrating garden forks.”

Record Holder:
Gus Simmons

The Story:
During the Depression, people would do almost anything for fun—if it was cheap. On October 17, 1933, at Chicago’s White City Casino, contestants tested the warmth of their nether regions in an “ice sitting” championship. Contest winner Simmons sat on a two-foot cube of ice for 27 hours, 10 minutes before finally being disqualified for having a 102-degree fever.

Disney World is twice the size of Manhattan.

In previous
BRs,
we’ve included a page of anagrams… words or phrases that are rearranged to form new words and phrases. We particularly like the ones that end up with more or less the same meaning.

THE ACTIVE VOLCANOS

becomes…
CONES

EVICT HOT LAVA

ADOLF HITLER

becomes…
HATED

FOR ILL

AN ALCOHOLIC

BEVERAGE
becomes…

GAL, CAN I HAVE

COOL BEER?

THE ASSASSINATION OF

PRESIDENT ABRAHAM

LINCOLN
becomes…

A PAST

SENSATION

CHILLS ME, OR

A FIEND SHOT

IN A BARN

CLOTHESPINS
becomes…

SO LET’S PINCH

THE COMING

PRESIDENTIAL

CAMPAIGN

becomes…
DAMN!

ELECTING TIME

IS APPROACHING

MUTTERING
becomes…

EMIT GRUNT

NOVA SCOTIA AND

PRINCE EDWARD

ISLAND
becomes…

TWO

CANADIAN

PROVINCES:

LANDS I DREAD

POSTPONED
becomes…

STOPPED? NO.

RECEIVED PAYMENT

becomes…
EVERY CENT

PAID ME

A ROLLING STONE

GATHERS NO MOSS

becomes…
STROLLER

ON GO, AMASSES

NOTHING

SLOT MACHINES

becomes…
CASH LOST

IN ’EM

A STRIPTEASER

becomes…
ATTIRE

SPARSE

THE PUBLIC ART

GALLERIES
becomes…

LARGE PICTURE

HALLS, I BET