Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (12 page)

The saguaro cactus can grow 4 stories tall, weigh 10 tons, and live 200 years.

Uncle John’s sixth sense tells him you’re going to like this page
.

Nobel Prize Categories

Peace, Chemistry, Physics, Physiology & Medicine, Literature, Economics

Wives of Henry VIII

Katherine of Aragon, Ann Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, Catherine Parr

Rodeo Contests

Saddle bronco riding, Bareback riding, Calf roping, Bull riding, Steer wrestling, Team roping

Parts of the Circulatory System

Heart, Arteries, Arterioles, Capillaries, Venules, Veins

Enemies of Mankind (Hinduism)

Lust, Angst, Envy, Avarice, Spiritual ignorance, Pride

Categories of Dog Breeds

Working, Sporting, Hounds, Terriers, Nonsporting, Toy

Layers of the Earth

Crust, Upper mantle, Lower mantle, Outer core, Transition region, Inner core

Foreign Places Named for U.S. Presidents

Cape Washington, Antarctica;

Monrovia, Liberia;

Lincoln Island, South China Sea;

Cleveland, Brazil;

Mount Eisenhower, Alberta, Canada;

Avenue de President Kennedy, Paris

Branches of the U.S. Armed Forces

Army, Air Force, Navy, Marines, Public Health Service, Coast Guard

Elements (Buddhism)

Earth, Water, Fire, Wind, Space, Consciousness

Grades of Meat

Prime, Choice, Good, Standard, Commercial, Utility

Sinister Six (Spider-Man’s Arch Enemies)

Kraven the Hunter, Dr. Octopus, Mysterio, Vulture, Electro, Sandman

Hockey Positions

Center, Left wing, Right wing, Left defense, Right defense, Goalie

D’oh! 40% of car-theft victims left their keys in the ignition.

Is it Eastern wisdom or mumbo-jumbo? Whatever else it is,
Feng Shui
is a popular method of interior design, based around the harmonious flow of “ch’i”
—
the ever-present life force. Naturally we figured there must be feng shui for our favorite room, and we found it in this excerpt from
Feng Shui,
by Derek Walters.

A complex blend of common sense, fine aesthetics, and mystical philosophy, Feng
Shui
is a traditional Chinese technique which aims to ensure that all things are in harmony with their surroundings. Its application ranges from the planning of entire cities to the placing of a single flower in a vase, from the orientation of high-rise office blocks to the interior furnishing of a humble studio apartment. What Westerners might refer to as the “feel” of a place—good or bad—the Chinese call Feng
Shui.
Having the correct Feng
Shui
in the home is said to enhance happiness and prosperity.

The term Feng
Shui,
literally translated, means “Wind and Water”; these are regarded as being akin to the flow of vital energies, called
ch’i
(meaning breath, air, or current), through which Feng
Shui
operates.

As might be expected, the bathroom is associated with the element Water, which belongs to the North direction. As a consequence, the Northern side of the house will be the most suitable location for it. The purpose of the bathroom is to cleanse the body, externally and internally; and for this reason, the
ch’i
should be encouraged to flow through quickly and not allowed to settle or stagnate. According to Chinese tradition, elaborate bathrooms, which inhibit the flow of
ch’i,
should therefore be avoided.

No matter how small the bathroom, according to Feng
Shui
principles, there should be a window leading to the outside. This is not merely for ventilation. Despite the fact that modern fans can adequately keep the air fresh—possibly even more efficiently than natural ventilation—if the bathroom does not have one exterior wall, it follows that the room is situated in the core of the building, a feature which is highly undesirable. In traditional Chinese houses, the central area was an enclosed courtyard, which had an almost sacred function. Not even trees were allowed to occupy the center, and it would be considered extremely disagreeable to have the bathroom there. If, however, the bathroom is centrally placed, it should be abundantly mirrored, if possible on each wall.

Some robots in Japan have to pay union dues.

An old rule of Feng
Shui,
echoed by many Western designers, is that the kitchen should not be next to the bathroom. But such a regulation is often impracticable; the position of these rooms are determined by the access to a main water supply and drainage. If the kitchen and the bathroom are likely to be close to each other, there should be a passage, storeroom, or cupboard between them. If it is absolutely impossible to avoid the two rooms being adjacent, then the kitchen wall which backs up to the bathroom must
not
be the one which houses the stove, and preferably should be opposite it. Putting the bathroom above the kitchen (a common Western practice) is considered extremely bad Feng
Shui
because waste will flow past a vital area.

Despite the convenience of an en suite bathroom, this is not favorable according to the principles of Feng
Shui.
The objection is to the presence of water in close proximity to the sleeper. Therefore, it is advisable to separate the bathroom from the bedroom either with an intervening corridor, a built-in wardrobe, or adequate insulation. In essence, the bedroom should be the last call of the
ch’i
through the house.
Ch’i
should enter softly, and leave just as quietly.

Water should not be seen flowing away; thus, waste pipes, overflows, and drains should be covered or concealed. Many Chinese bathrooms, instead of having baths or showers, have floor-mounted sinks and scoops with which water is poured over the body. This method of bathing conserves water. Interestingly, although there is no shortage of water in Southeast Asia, wasting water infers financial waste. (In Chinese,
Shui
—“water”—is slang for “money.”)

A final note: Unless the bathroom has several windows, open space should not be obscured by potted plants. They obstruct the flow of the
ch’i,
creating unhealthy stagnant areas.

Plants, like people, run fevers when they’re sick.

These days, it seems that people will sue each other over practically anything. Here are a few real-life examples of unusual legal battles.

THE DEFENDANTS:
Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Ross Perot, IBM, American Cyanamid, BCCI, David Rockefeller, and NASA

THE LAWSUIT:
Tyler claimed to be a cyborg (part human, part robot) receiving telepathic instructions from “Proteus.” According to the $5.6 billion lawsuit, she claimed the defendants had a secret plan to breed and enslave millions of black women.

THE VERDICT:
Not guilty. Said the judge, “If this Court cannot order dismissal of
this
complaint…no district court can ever dismiss
any
complaint.”

THE PLAINTIFF:
Oreste Lodi

THE DEFENDANT:
Oreste Lodi

THE LAWSUIT:
Lodi, the defendant, was beneficiary to a trust fund. Lodi, the plaintiff, claimed he was tired of the defendant controlling his estate. So Lodi sued himself, asking the court to revoke his birth certificate so that he, Lodi, the plaintiff, could take control of his money away from Lodi, the defendant, and get sole possession of the trust.

THE VERDICT:
Case dismissed. The decision, the court said, was eminently fair: “Although it is true that, as plaintiff, he loses, it is equally true that, as defendant, he wins!”

THE PLAINTIFF:
Freshman Jason Wilkins

THE DEFENDANT:
University of Idaho

THE LAWSUIT:
Wilkins “mooned” some friends from his third-floor dorm window. But as he leaned his naked butt against the glass, he fell through and plummeted to the ground below, suffering a broken vertebra and severe cuts and bruises over his entire body. Humiliated, Wilkins sued the university for failing to warn students about “the dangerous nature of windows.”

THE VERDICT:
Not guilty. Wilkins suffered additional injury—to his ego—when the local newspaper revealed the fact that he “was not intoxicated” at the time of the accident.

If there are 10 books on a bookshelf, they can be arranged in 3,628,800 different ways.

THE PLAINTIFFS:
Ivan Jordan, Kaziah Hancock, and Cindy Stewart, three former members of The True and Living Church of Jesus Christ of Saints of the Last Days

THE DEFENDANT:
Jim Harmston, self-proclaimed prophet

THE LAWSUIT:
The three claimed that they had turned over all of their money and possessions to Harmston. Value: $264,390. In return, Harmston promised them a face-to-face meeting with Jesus Christ and did not deliver. Papers filed with the court said that Harmston took advantage of their “deepest spiritual needs.”

THE VERDICT:
Unknown.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Robert Kropinski

THE DEFENDANT:
Maharishi International University

THE LAWSUIT:
Kropinski sued because, after 11 years at MIU, he still had not achieved “the perfect state of life” that was promised. Nor had he learned how to reverse the aging process or how to fly, which were also promised. He had only learned to “hop with his legs folded.”

THE VERDICT:
The jury agreed that the university had misled Kropinski and awarded him $137,890.

Selma Troyanoski, 53, an elected member of the board of supervisors of Portage County, Wisconsin, was charged with attempting to obstruct an officer in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. The incident began when Troyanoski pulled into a rest stop for a nap. When an investigating officer saw her slumped over and tried to investigate, she suddenly sped off, leading police on a chase at speeds of up to 110 mph.

Officers finally cornered Troyanoski in a residential neighborhood. When she refused to exit the vehicle, they smashed her car window and opened the door to pull her out. That was when they discovered she wasn’t wearing pants or underwear. She had fled the cops out of embarrassment. Troyanoski explained that she prefers to drive without pants or underwear on long trips because she “gets very sweaty.” She faces up to three years in prison.

An astronaut can reach the moon in less time than it took a stagecoach to travel the length of Great Britain in the 19th century.

Revenge, Uncle John is fond of saying, is a dish best served cold…with a side salad and French rolls.

Victims:
Red and Sonny West, members of Elvis Presley’s “Memphis Mafia,” and Dave Hebler, his bodyguard

What Happened:
In July 1976, Vernon Presley fired all three men, possibly to cut costs, possibly because Elvis was growing paranoid.

Revenge:
They wrote
Elvis: What Happened?,
a devastating exposé that shattered the King’s public image by revealing for the first time the lurid and bizarre details of his private life, including his temper tantrums, drug habit, and sex life. Two weeks after it was published in 1977, Elvis died, leaving conspiracy theorists to speculate that the book drove him to suicide.