Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 (5 page)

Sources:
TheSmokingGun.com
, Associated Press, CBS News

Heave you heard? Alcohol can make you do dumb things. We know—we were shocked when we heard, too. And yet, as story after story of intoxicated people acting dumb spilled on us like beer in the hands of a tipsy reveler, we had to admit that there was something to this “too much booze = big trouble” equation. Especially when there's some sort of vehicle involved, like, say, a bulldozer or a train.

And so we present the following stories strictly as a public service: laugh, drink and be merry—but be aware of the fine line where “merry” turns into dumb.

 

T
he cellblock doors at the Hawkins County, Tennessee, jail were unlocked,
and a faulty control panel meant that the jailers were none the wiser. The inmates, however, were only too aware of this fact. So one night, two of them made their move. They opened their cells, slipped out a fire exit, and then made a hole through the exercise yard fence to break free. So why did they come back shortly thereafter? Well, to hand out the beer, of course!

See, these inmates weren't interested in escaping—apparently they agreed with the social imperatives that required them to spend their time incarcerated. However, they didn't see why they couldn't knock back a brew just because they happened to be repaying their debt to society at the time. So our two inmates did not hightail it to parts unknown but rather to a local liquor store for a beer run. There, dressed in civilian clothes borrowed from other inmates (the jail didn't have enough orange jumpsuits to go around), they bought some beer and took it back to the big house. And when all the beer had been drunk, another two inmates went out to get some more. In all, the authorities believe the inmates consumed two cases of beer.

Naturally, the authorities were not pleased when they learned about the smuggled suds. They charged the four men for escaping and bringing alcohol into the jail. “I guess they thought if they came back they wouldn't be charged with escape,” Sheriff Warren Rimer said, “but they were wrong.” Yes, that'll teach 'em (unless the jail cells still aren't fixed).

Source: Associated Press

 

A
s anyone who has overindulged knows,
there's blacking out, and then there's
blacking out.
The first of these happens when you wake up the morning after a hard night of drinking at home, you're still in your clothes from the night before, and you have no idea how you wound up sleeping on the kitchen floor.

Somewhere past
that
is what happened to “Jorge,” a hard-drinking Mexican citizen from the town of San Nicholas de los Garza. It seems that after a night of enthusiastic imbibing, Jorge lost track of, well, pretty much everything until he woke up with paramedics standing over his body, looking at him like he was some really interesting specimen of road kill.

Which in a way he was. The night before in a beer-hazed stupor, Jorge had apparently confused the local railroad tracks with his own bed. He snuggled down in between the rails for a long winter's nap. After he woke up, Jorge was shocked to learn what he had slept through: a train just plain running over him.

As it turns out, it's probably a good thing Jorge was so drunk because he did not move a muscle, which allowed the train to pass over his heavily slumbering body by a margin of just a few inches. If he had lifted his head at all, there's a good chance he would have lost it.

Once the paramedic roused Jorge from his little nap, he professed mystification as to how it all happened. “I counted only six beers,” Jorge explained to local newspaper
El Norte,
although he then allowed “But who knows how many more there might have been. I don't remember.” Yes, well. After the first six, they
do
tend to run together.

Source: Reuters

 

O
ne of the well-known side effects of alcohol
is that funny effect it has on judgment: alcohol impairs it, and then (because alcohol is just that way), it doesn't do you the courtesy of letting you know that it's done so. So you
feel
as if you're making rational decisions when in
fact,
you're acting foolish.

Let's hope after an evening of beer-tinged fun you don't make the same judgments as “Rolf,” a 28-year-old Berliner, who enjoyed too much of something in a Neukoelln district pub and then weaved out into the streets in the early hours of the morning. On his way to wherever he was going, Rolf passed by a bulldozer and found himself uncontrollably attracted to the machine. He climbed up in it, turned it on, and hit the road at about 20 miles per hour.

The Berlin cops saw the errant bulldozer and its drunken pilot. They ordered Rolf to pull over, but his impaired judgment helped him to ignore those silly little people with their silly little badges. Well, at least until they jumped on the bulldozer, broke the cab's window, and then spritzed him in the eyes with mace. Impaired judgment or not, chances are Rolf paid attention to blinding pain.

Rolf was arrested for drunk driving; there was also the small matter of the theft of the bulldozer. Rolf's next trip will be to the courthouse, where it's unlikely judgment will be impaired.

Source: Reuters

 

W
e've heard nothing but good things about the Brazilians,
a wonderful people who have a whole lotta fun during Carnivale, the Brazilians' take on Mardi Gras. However, the fine people of Brazil
do
have their limits, and if you test them, you'll be sorry.

An Australian, “Clive” discovered one of those limits during a vacation to Rio de Janerio. He and his mates visited the magnificent 100-foot statue of Jesus atop Corcovado Mountain, one of the city's top tourist attractions. Clive and a few of his buddies made a journey up the mountain not long after Carnivale had ended.

Clive was a bit intoxicated—not big news—and so were his pals. And so when they reached the statue, they thought it might be a lark if Clive took off his clothes and posed under the statue, holding his outstretched arms in an imitation of the statue itself. Clive, apparently an exhibitionist sort, didn't need much encouragement; he was out of his trousers in fairly quick order.

It was all good fun until an incensed Brazilian prosecutor, who just happened to be contemplating the statue at the same time, ordered the drunken lot of them arrested on the charge of committing an obscene act. The group was hustled off to a nearly police station, where they were held until they signed affidavits swearing that they would appear in court for their alleged crimes or they would never be allowed on Brazilian soil again.

Remember, if you act like a jerk, Jesus may forgive you, but the Brazilians may not.

Source: Reuters

 

S
ven's” first mistake was visiting the young woman
—or, should we say,
attempting
to visit the young woman. Sven, a Swede who lived in Oslo, Norway, had a thing for a Norwegian girl, and so he decided to make a social call on her. Unfortunately for Sven, he was drunk and it was late at night. The woman, not enthused about the appearance of an intoxicated Swede in her doorway, refused Sven entry. Well, Sven might have been besotted in more ways than one, but he wasn't a complete jerk. Rebuffed, he turned to go.

And was immediately beset by issues. The gate to the young woman's apartment building had closed and locked, and now he couldn't get back out to the street. This is the point where a sober man might have sheepishly gone back and asked the woman to buzz open the gate; but remember, Sven wasn't sober. Having been tossed aside once that evening, he was perhaps not looking for it to happen a second time. So he attempted to slip under the gate. No dice.