Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 (21 page)

Source:
New Orleans Times-Picayune

 

W
e encourage all people to
be nice and courteous on the road. For one thing, it's just the polite thing to do; sure, the jackass who thoughtlessly cuts you off in traffic should probably be brained with a wrench and his carcass left to fatten the crows, but you're a better person than that. For another thing, not every car on the road has a driver who will take rudeness sitting down.

“Brenda” from Arizona would have been well-advised to keep her cool on the road, for several reasons. One, she was driving with a suspended license. Two, there was marijuana in her car. Three, there was also some methamphetamine and various drug paraphernalia. All which well-nigh screamed, “Do Not Draw Attention to this Car.”

But Brenda couldn't help it. As she tooled down Arizona's Highway 70 with some friends, a car behind her attempted to pass her. Brenda was having none of it and blocked the passing attempts as they occurred. Eventually the car managed to get ahead of her, and as it passed, Brenda felt motivated to honk her horn at the car and flip the other car's driver the bird. Her satisfaction at flipping off another driver was short-lived, however, because after Brenda turned into the parking lot of a nearby convenience store, the other driver pulled up and revealed himself as a cop, who had been driving an unmarked car. Surprise!

Brenda was arrested on charges of possession of marijuana, possession of marijuana for sale, transportation of
marijuana for sale, possession of a dangerous drug, and possession of drug paraphernalia. Noted the arresting officer, “It's hilarious. I was trying to go home. They totally brought it on themselves. I wasn't even looking for them.”

So please, be nice on the road. Even if you
don't
have a car full of illegal drugs.

Source:
The Eastern Arizona Courier

 

H
ave we mentioned yet that smoking a lot of marijuana can lead to memory loss?
No? Well, if you do smoke marijuana, how can you be
sure
? See, that's our point. When you have gaps in your memory thanks to habitual toking, it can lead to all sorts of trouble.

“Dirk” and “Burke” were two “agricultural entrepreneurs,” shall we say, who one day were driving near the Kentucky-Tennessee border when they noticed they were being followed by the cops. This was bad news, since the two men had some joints in their possession at the time. The duo tried tossing the pot out of the car, but strangely, the cops directly behind them seemed to catch on to that little ploy.

After pulling the two over, the police noticed maps in the car. On the maps were several locations on both sides of the state line, marked with large “X”s. And X marked what spot? Well, the spots where marijuana plants were growing in un-suspecting farmers' fields—120 plants in just one location. The total street value of the haul was estimated at about $50,000. See, if these guys hadn't had big gaps in their memories, they wouldn't have needed the maps. Sure, everyone uses maps, but if ever there was a time when one would wish to commit a location to memory, this would have been it.

Dirk and Burke were charged with manufacturing and possessing marijuana with intent to resell and tampering with evidence—the last of these charges related to tossing the joints. So do try to remember to just say no.

Source:
The Jackson Sun
(TN), CBS News

 

W
orking on the principle of “When You're a Hammer, Everything Looks Like a Nail,”
the drug-loving burglars who were helping themselves to the contents of a Melbourne, Australia, home were thrilled when they found a wooden box with a powdery substance inside. It was powder! In a box! Just right for snorting! And so they did. It wasn't until afterward—and when, we suspect, none of them felt the usual narcotic effects of actual narcotics—that one of them began to suspect that maybe that powder in a box wasn't full of drugs after all.

Here you have to imagine these burglars wracking their drug-blunted little brains as to what else those ashes in a box could be, and then slowly, as if controlled by a rheostat turned by a tortoise, the light coming on. They weren't sniffing someone's drugs—they were sniffing
someone.

In truth, it wasn't the cremated remains of a human. But what it actually was isn't any better. The burglars had taken a snootful of the cremated remains of the family's beloved pet goat. Leaving aside the ancillary issue of goat cremains, the fact is, no one wants to snort a goat if they can help it.

The robbers, incidentally, were eventually picked and charged with burglary and theft, and at least one of them—the one who figured out they weren't snorting drugs—pled guilty and as of this writing was still awaiting sentencing. No matter what happens, it can't be worse than inhaling an animal.

Source:
Sydney Morning Herald

 

Y
es, some people have issues with their fathers, but people's run of the mill daddy issues are nothing
compared to the problems of South London, England, resident Shane Williams and his dad, Martin. Because although your dad might have yelled at you to turn down that damn music, or told you that he wouldn't buy you that bicycle when you were six, it's nowhere near as bad as what Martin arranged for his son.

Know, to begin, that Shane was a drug dealer, and by drug dealer, we don't mean a guy who grows a little weed in his closet. We mean like Tony “Scarface” Montana kind of drug dealer; at one point in May 2003, he had about 76 kilos of cocaine loitering in his house, a whole lot more than anyone is going to keep around for personal use. Yeah, Shane was a dealer, big time.

Martin knew about Shane's career choice, and he was concerned. Concerned that his son was a drug dealer? Well, no: he was more concerned that his son would sell all those drugs before he could steal them from him. Seems that Martin did the math on the street value of 76 kilos of blow and suddenly the wages he was pulling down as a working stiff seemed a little weak. So he told a trio of shady underworld types about his son's inventory, presumably to strike a deal. They would rob Shane, and then split the proceeds. The plan was kind of like stealing from your kid's piggy bank, if your kid was a narco kingpin.

The first part of the plan went smoothly: Martin's trio of shady friends surprised Shane and a friend and robbed them,
but not before the trio took the time to taser poor Shane into submission and club his pal over the head with a crowbar. The second part, about the profit split . . . well, let's just say there was a complication. As in, the authorities were already casing Shane's place and, seeing the altercation, swooped in to arrest everyone, including Shane and Martin.

If you think this little father-son adventure caused some family tension, you'd be right. At Martin's sentencing—twenty years for robbery, conspiracy, and drug charges—Shane leaned over to dad (he was in the same docket) and reportedly encouraged him to “rot in hell.” Prison is probably close enough. Of course, Shane shouldn't be feeling too smug, since he was also sentenced to twenty years for conspiracy to sell cocaine. If the British penal system had any sense of humor at all, it'd make 'em cell mates.

See, after that tale, most people's problems with their dads are nothing. So give your ol' pop a hug! But, to be on the safe side, don't tell him about any valuables you have in the house.

Source: Reuters,
Evening Standard
(UK),
Scotsman.com

 

M
att” had a certain popular—if illegal—agricultural enthusiasm:
the Alpaugh, California, man liked growing himself a little bit of the marijuana, the illegality of which could present a problem. But Matt seemed to have it all figured out. His backyard was surrounded by a six-foot-high fence that he figured was more than tall enough to shield his gardening predilections from whatever various law enforcement officers or others might be happening to pass by.

And it would have worked, too, if Matt's thumb had not been so very green. We don't know what Matt was feeding his pot plants, but whatever it was, it turned them into prize specimens of
Cannabis Sativa,
with some of the stalks exceeding over seven feet in height! That's the marijuana equivalent of growing a hundred-pound pumpkin.

However, seven feet, if you'll recall, is taller than six feet. By about a foot, or so we're told by the measuring experts. Anyway, more than tall enough to be seen
over
the fence by the neighbors, one of whom, unimpressed with Matt's agricultural acumen, ratted out our gardening enthusiast to the cops. “Some were taller than the fence in the back yard,” Tulare County Sheriff's Lt. Marsh Carter said. “It was kind of blatant. Unbelievable.”

And thus did the police enter Matt's backyard with a search warrant, to find more than 50 pot plants thriving in his tender care, a collection that Tulare County Sheriff's officials estimated had a street value of more than half a million dollars.
Matt redeemed all that possession for a free trip in a police car, the lucky sap, and a bail set at $75,000.

At least where Matt's likely to end up, the fences will be plenty high.

Source:
The Visalia Times-Delta
(CA)

Sex and nakidity: without them, none of us would be here today. Think about it (but not
too
much, because that's a page in the tome known as “Things I Don't Wanna Think About My Parents Doing”). Sex is one of the most natural processes a human can engage in. But just because it's natural doesn't mean people don't approach it, well, unnaturally. You want proof? Then, this is the chapter for you. Enjoy.

 

W
e don't know much, but we know this:
most people are, shall we say,
curious
about nudity. Sure, some people
say
they're not much for it, but the following story shows just how dumb the naked body can render a crowd of people.

We should also admit that there's a time and place for enjoying nudity and there are other times that are somewhat less than perfect. One of those times, it turns out, is while one is on a boat on Lake Travis, near Austin, Texas. One such boat, with about sixty people on it, was cruising along the lake when it approached a park known as Hippie Hollow. According to the official Web site, Hippie Hollow Park is famous for its rocky shoreline and “Spectacular views of Lake Travis.” But as it's also the home to Texas's only clothing-optional public beach, it's also known for its spectacular views of
other
things, too.