Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 (26 page)

We like marriage; it's better than Yahtzee. Better than Triple Yahtzee, even (and it doesn't get much better than that). But even the best couples, the most harmonious matrimonial states, have their moments of abject idiocy. And the stories you are about to read—well, let's just say that most of these aren't exactly perfect marriages. Or if they were, they certainly weren't after the events shared herein.

 

M
arriage is a blessed institution, but paying for a wedding can be damned expensive.
Everything about them costs money, from the wedding dress, meant to be worn only once, to the costs of the little centerpieces at each table at the reception. But if you've got imagination, ingenuity, and a willingness to make a few opportunities where none previously existed, you can bring down the cost of your wedding quite a bit.

Just ask “Maude,” an Aussie woman who was planning to wed to an American she met over the Internet. Maude wanted to make sure she didn't start her married life in a financial hole, so she decided that instead of paying for her wedding, she'd simply steal it. With that goal in mind, Maude and a willing accomplice embarked on a three-month shoplifting spree to nick what she needed for the happiest day of her life.

She did pretty well. For the reception, she stole china and cutlery as well as tumblers and wine glasses for drinks. Guests used stolen ashtrays and danced to music played on a stolen stereo, while stolen trimmings, balloons, candles, and lights added to the feloniously festive atmosphere. And what about the ceremony itself? One of the groomsmen was outfitted in a stolen suit and tie, and the bride herself—clearly far too deep in the criminal hole to be described as “blushing”—wore a purloined wedding dress worth more than $1400 (in Australian
dollars). All told Maude pilfered more than $5,000 worth of wedding-related stuff.

Maude saved a bundle on the wedding, but there
was
a price to pay, as she learned when the cops showed up at the door to reclaim the pilfered items, and to arrest her for handling stolen goods, theft, and possessing the proceeds of crime. They also tacked on assaulting police, since the dainty Maude threatened to spit on the cops. So much for newlywed joy.

Maude was sentenced to two months in jail (suspended for one year), a sum of time that wasn't that much shorter than her marriage, which unraveled in just six months. Add in the three months Maude spent stealing stuff for the wedding, and she spent nearly as much time preparing and then paying for her wedding as she spent actually being married. Maybe she should have eloped.

Source:
News.com.au
,
The Age
(Australia)

 

H
ave a hankerin' to perform a sex act in a semipublic place to spice up the old marriage?
It sure is risky, so here's one tip: make sure there are no warrants out for your arrest, or you might run into the unusual bit of
coitus interruptus
that afflicted a Denver area couple in May 2004.

Seems that our married couple had the desire to take their connubial bliss on the road, so they drove up to the Dillon Reservoir in the Rocky Mountains for a little bit of that good ol' fashioned backseat action. While they were enjoying the privileges of marriage, a passing deputy happened to notice there was a moon rising and stopped to investigate. Once he determined the couple were engaging in activities that were both consensual and matrimonial, our deputy ran a background check on the two and determined the husband had an outstanding warrant.

It was nothing serious—it was a dog-at-large charge (that will teach you to keep your pets on a leash)—but it was an outstanding warrant all the same, and the deputy was obliged to discharge it. So the deputy told our amorous fellow to cough up the fine: $63. Well, our man was caught a little short, as it were, and so everyone had to take a trip down to an ATM, and then to the county jail, where the fine was paid. And then our couple, we assume, went home lighter in the wallet and with their fiery passion well and truly doused. We're guessing they'll be keeping their activities homebound for a while now.

Source:
The Summit Daily News
(CO)

 

B
oy, have we got a cautionary tale for you folks today,
based on the story of “Lester” and “Lily,” a couple from Boston, Massachusetts, both of whom are driving limos, which they owned.

First, let's start off with the men. Men, let's say you're married to a woman, and the two of you are estranged but trying to patch things up. If that is the case, you should not be, as one policeman put it, “enjoying the company of an unidentified female” in the back of the limo you own, especially if you've parked the limo somewhere your wife can find you. The reasons for this should be clear enough. Okay? Groovy.

Now, ladies, let's say you're driving along in
your
limo and you see your husband's limo parked somewhere, and you find said husband enjoying the company of an unidentified female. Enraged though you may be, do not hop back into your own limo and use it to ram your husband's limo. It's not nice to the limo. It's not the limo's fault your husband is a sleezebag. Okay? Groovy.

Back to the men. Men, let's say your wife is slamming her limo into your limo because of some crazy misunderstanding about an unidentified woman who may or may not have been in the back seat of your limo. Do not flee in that limo. Because if you try to flee in the limo, your wife may chase you with her limo, ramming into your limo several times during a chase where the two of you reach speeds of 50 miles an hour. Really, that's just not safe.

Once more with the ladies. Women, if you are tempted to chase after that man who is trying to escape your righteous wrath and ram his vehicle over and over and over again, well, won't you please think of the children? Specifically, the four children in the backseat of your limo, between the ages of two and thirteen? It's just a hunch we have, but we believe strongly that, aside from the issue of putting the children in extreme physical danger by ramming another car at high speeds, there's also the fact that, really, no amount of therapy is ever going to make that memory right.

Needless to say, Lester and Lily did all of these things. Lily got arrested on multiple charges, including assault with a dangerous weapon and driving to endanger. Lester is now the owner two smashed up limos. The kids were taken to the hospital for observation and then released to relatives. The unidentified female, who was in Lester's limo for the chase scene, got the hell out of these as soon as possible (and who can blame her).

In case you're wondering, Lester told reporters that the reconciliation is now off. You know, we'd guessed that already.

Source:
Boston Globe

 

Y
ou see them all the time.
Guys standing around, that blank look in their eyes, while their women do whatever shopping that needs to be done in whatever store it is they need to shop in. Most men understand that it's part of the whole “for good and bad” thing that gets slipped into the wedding vows.

“Arturo” of Miami, Florida, was having none of that junk. His wife was dawdling in a store and Arturo just had other things to do. So he stomped out of the store and got into his car. This was followed shortly thereafter by said car crashing through the front of the store. That'll get her attention, Arturo! Although, what with the police who will follow up, maybe it won't get you out of the store afterward.

Upon later questioning, Arturo denied that he'd had any intention of entering the store via his car. All he wanted to do was sit in the car and listen to the radio. But then he accidentally put the car in reverse and hit the gas. The next thing he knew, he plowed through four cars in the parking lot and gone through the store. Someone clearly needs to tell Arturo that in most cars made in the last 40 years, you can listen to the radio without actually starting the engine.

No one was hurt (except the store window). Arturo was cited for careless driving. And we suspect he may not be taken on any more shopping trips. (Which means, of course, that he
won.
)

Source:
Local10.com

 

N
ow, we like Elvis as much as anyone
—we prefer the young Elvis to the heftier Vegas version, but despite our appreciation of the 1968 comeback special and
Jailhouse Rock
alike, we have our obsession under control.

Not so Jean-Pierre and Carine Antheunis, of Gent, Belgium. They have a little bit of an Elvis
thing.
Every time they have a child, they name the kid something that has something to do with Elvis. So, some of their kids' names: Elvis (of course), Priscilla, Tennessee, and Dakota. We're not sure what Dakota has to do with Elvis (although we know he's frequently rumored to be working in a convenience store in South Dakota). Just remember, we
like
Elvis. We don't
live
Elvis.

Alas, the Antheunis couple have a problem. They had fifteen kids(!), but then they had number sixteen—a boy—and they plumb run out of Elvis-related names. “If it had been a girl we would have called her Linda. Elvis once had a lover with that name,” said Jean-Pierre. Now we could offer obscure Elvis-related suggestions—how about Charro?—but the Antheunis appear to have settled on “Ohio” as a name. “There's no connection with Elvis, but it's in America,” Jean-Pierre said. Well, don't forget the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is there.

It could have been worse. They could have named their kids after Duran Duran's songs.

Source: Ananova,
Beacon-Journal
(Akron, OH)

 

P
ity poor Nikolai, from Todiresti, Romania.
While most men look forward to a home-cooked meal prepared by their loving wives, Nikolai dreaded each and every one. Nikolai, you see, believed his wife to be perhaps the worst cook that ever lived—the Wolfgang Puck of bad cooks, if you will. Apparently, there was no dish she couldn't prepare horribly.