Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (43 page)

BRIDE’S GARTER AND BOUQUET OF FLOWERS.
Originally the groomsmen fought with each other to see who would get the bride’s garter, which was supposed to bring good luck to the person who possessed it. But the Catholic Church frowned on the rowdy practice, and it was eventually replaced by a milder custom: the bride throwing a bouquet of flowers to her bridesmaids. Today the customs exist side by side.

WEDDING RINGS.
One of the oldest wedding practices. Ancient Egyptians, Romans, and Greeks all exchanged rings during their wedding ceremonies. Because a circle is a round, unending shape, it came to symbolize the ideal love that was supposed to come from marriage: it flowed from one person to the other and back again, forever. The ring has always been worn on the left hand—and was originally worn on the thumb. It was later moved to the index finger and then to the middle finger, and eventually ended up on the third, or “medical,” finger. Reason: The third finger was believed to lead straight to the heart, via a single nerve.

detractors named it “King Congress.” The name was later shortened to “King Cong.”

HONEYMOON.
This European tradition dates back hundreds of years and gets its name from the fact that newlyweds were expected to drink honey (believed to be an aphrodisiac) during the period of one full cycle of the moon (about a month).

THROWING RICE OR CONFETTI.
Originally a fertility ritual. Wedding guests threw wheat at the bride only, in the hope that she would bear children the same way that wheat produced bread.

WEDDING CAKE.
Guests originally gave “bride-cakes” to a just-married woman to encourage fertility.

JUNE WEDDING.
It was customary for Romans to marry in June to honor the queen of the gods, Juno—who was also the goddess of women. They hoped to win her favor to make the marriage last, and make childbirth easier.

CARRYING THE BRIDE OVER THE THRESHOLD.
Romans thought good and evil spirits hung around the entrance of a home. They also believed that if you walked into your house left foot first, the evil spirits won. So to be sure the bride—whom Romans figured was “in a highly emotional state and very apt to be careless”—didn’t accidentally step into her new home with the wrong foot, the groom just picked her up and carried her.

RECEPTION SPEECH.
In pre-Christian Rome, newlyweds hired an “official joker” to tell dirty stories to guests during the reception. The Romans believed that “unclean” thoughts in the minds of guests turned the attention of vengeful gods away from the newly-weds, which helped protect them from evil.

DECORATING THE WEDDING CAR.
In medieval France, when a couple was unpopular, people derided them publicly by banging on pots, kettles, etc This was a
charivari
, or “rough serenade.” In America it became a
shivaree
, and people got the treatment from friends. This gave way to a new custom—trying to keep a couple from consummating their marriage by making noise at their window. When newlyweds began leaving weddings by car, the only way to harass them was to deface the vehicle.

Most popular sheet-music song of all time: “Yes, We Have No Bananas.”

Limericks have been around since the 1700s. Here are some that readers have sent us over the years
.

There once was a spinster from Wheeling,
Endowed with such delicate feeling,
That she thought any chair
Should not have its legs bare,
So, she kept her eyes fixed on the ceiling.

There was a young lady of Kent,
Who always said just what she meant;
People said, “she’s a dear—
So unique—so sincere—”
But they shunned her by common consent.

There once was a pious young priest,
Who lived almost wholly on yeast;
“For,” he said, “it is plain
We must all rise again,
And I want to get started at least.”

I sat next to the Duchess at tea,
Distressed as a person could be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal—
And everyone thought it was me!

A rocket explorer named Wright
Once traveled much faster than light.
He set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

There once was an old man of Boolong
Who frightened the birds with his song.
It wasn’t the words
Which astonished the birds
But the horrible
dooble ontong
.

A classical scholar from Flint
Developed a curious squint.
With her left-handed eye
She could scan the whole sky
While the other was reading small print.

There was a young girl from Detroit
Who at kissing was very adroit;
She could pucker her lips
Into total eclipse,
Or open them out like a quoit.

Size of the smallest man alive, in inches: 26.

Here are the origins of a few common phrases
.

T
O CLOSE RANKS

Meaning:
To present a united front.

Origin:
“In the old-time European armies, the soldiers were aligned side by side, in neat rows, or ranks, on the battlefield. When the enemy attacked, officers would order the troops to close ranks; that is, to move the rows close together, so that the enemy faced a seemingly impregnable mass of men.” (From
Fighting Words
, by Christine Ammer)

FOR THE BIRDS

Meaning:
Worthless.

Origin:
According to Robert Claiborne in
Loose Cannons and Red Herrrings
, it refers to city streets before cars. “When I was a youngster on the streets of New York, one could both see and smell the emissions of horse-drawn wagons. Since there was no way of controlling these emissions, they, or the undigested oats in them, served to nourish a large population of English sparrows. If you say something’s for the birds, you’re politely saying that it’s horseshit.”

BEYOND THE PALE

Meaning:
Socially unacceptable.

Origin:
“The pale in this expression has nothing to do with the whitish color, but comes originally from Latin
palus
, meaning a pole or stake. Since stakes are used to mark boundaries, a pale was a particular area within certain limits.” The pale that inspired this expression was the area around Dublin in Ireland. Until the 1500s, that area was subject to British law. “Those who lived beyond the pale were outside English jurisdiction and were thought to be uncivilized.” (From
Getting to the Roots
, by Martin Manser)

I’VE GOT A FROG IN MY THROAT

Meaning:
I’m hoarse from a cold.

Origin:
Surprisingly, this wasn’t inspired by the croaking sound of a cold-sufferer’s voice, but a weird medical practice. “In the Middle Ages,” says Christine Ammer in It’s
Raining Cats and Dogs
, “throat infections such as thrush were sometimes treated by putting a live frog head first into the patient’s mouth; by inhaling, the frog was believed to draw out the patient’s infection into its own body. The treatment is happily obsolete, but its memory survives in the 19th-century term
frog in one’s throat
.”

Whew! Chances you’ll get stung by a scorpion in your lifetime: 1 in 2,000,000.

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES

Meaning:
Trying to do as well as your neighbors.

Origin:
“Keeping Up with the Joneses” was the name of a comic strip by Arthur R. “Pop” Momand that ran in the
New York Globe
from 1913 to 1931. At first, Momand planned to call it “Keeping Up with the Smiths,” but his real-life neighbors were named Smith, and a lot of his material came from observing them. So he picked another common surname. (From
Why Do We Say It?
, by Nigel Rees)

XXX

Meaning:
A kiss, at the end of a letter.

Origin:
In medieval times, when most people were illiterate, “contracts were not considered legal until each signer included St. Andrew’s cross after his name.” (Or instead of a signature, if the signer couldn’t write.) To prove his sincerity, the signer was then required to kiss the X. “Through the centuries this custom faded out, but the letter X [became associated] with a kiss.” This is also probably where the phrase “sealed with a kiss” comes from. (From
I’ve Got Goose Pimples
, by Martin Vanoni)

TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES

Meaning:
To perceive or understand a hidden meaning.

Origin:
In the 16th century, it became common for politicians, soldiers, and businessmen to write in code. “To a person ignorant of the code, a secret paper was meaningless. Ordinary folk fascinated with this mystery concluded that the meaning was not in lines of gibberish, but in the space between them.” (From
Why You Say It
, by Webb Garrison)

Q. Who was the first person to put
Frankenstein
on film? A. Thomas Edison.

What’s America’s favorite drug? You guessed it—caffeine. We use more caffeine than all other drugs—legal or illegal—combined. Want to know what the stuff is doing to you? Here’s a quick overview
.

B
ACKGROUND

If you start the day with a strong cup of coffee or tea, you’re not alone. Americans ingest the caffeine equivalent of 530 million cups of coffee
every day
. Caffeine is the world’s most popular mood-altering drug. It’s also one of the oldest: according to archaeologists, man has been brewing beverages from caffeine-based plants since the Stone Age.

HOW IT PICKS YOU UP

Caffeine doesn’t keep you awake by supplying extra energy; rather, it fools your body into thinking it isn’t tired
.

• When your brain is tired and wants to slow down, it releases a chemical called
adenosine
.

• Adenosine travels to special cells called
receptors
, where it goes to work counteracting the chemicals that stimulate your brain.

• Caffeine mimics adenosine; so it can “plug up” your receptors and prevent adenosine from getting through. Result: Your brain never gets the signal to slow down, and keeps building up stimulants.

JAVA JUNKIES

• After a while, your brain figures out what’s going on, and increases the number of receptor cells so it has enough for both caffeine
and
adenosine.

• When that happens, caffeine can’t keep you awake anymore... unless you
increase
the amount you drink so it can “plug up” the new receptor cells as well.

• This whole process only takes about a week. In that time, you essentially become a caffeine addict. Your brain is literally restructuring itself to run on caffeine; take the caffeine away and your brain has too many receptor cells to operate properly.

Experts say: Humans and elephants are the only animals that can stand on their heads.

• If you quit ingesting caffeine “cold turkey,” your brain begins to reduce the number of receptors right away. But the process takes about two weeks, and during that time your body sends out mild “distress signals” in the form of headaches, lethargy, fatigue, muscle pain, nausea, and sometimes even stiffness and flu-like symptoms. As a result, most doctors recommend cutting out caffeine gradually.

CAFFEINE’S EFFECTS

•
Good:
Caffeine has been scientifically proven to temporarily increase alertness, comprehension, memory, reflexes, and even the rate of learning. It also helps increase clarity of thought.

•
Bad:
Too much caffeine can cause hand tremors, loss of coordination or appetite, insomnia, and in extreme cases, trembling, nausea, heart palpitations, and diarrhea.

• Widely varying the amount of caffeine you ingest can put a strain on your liver, pancreas, heart, and nervous system. And if you’re prone to ulcers, caffeine can make your situation worse.

• If you manage to consume the equivalent of 70-100 cups of coffee in one sitting, you’ll experience convulsions, and may even die.

CAFFEINE FACTS

• The average American drinks 210 milligrams of caffeine a day. That’s equal to 2-3 cups of coffee, depending on how strong it is.

• How you make your coffee has a lot to do with how much caffeine you get. Instant coffee contains 65 milligrams of caffeine per serving; coffee brewed in a percolator has 80 milligrams; and coffee made using the “drip method” has 155 milligrams.

• Top four sources of caffeine in the American diet: coffee, soft drinks, tea, and chocolate, in that order. The average American gets 75% of their caffeine from coffee. Other sources include over-the-counter pain killers, appetite suppressants, cold remedies, and some prescription drugs.

• What happens to the caffeine that’s removed from decaf coffee? Most of it is sold to soda companies and put into soft drinks. (Cola contains some caffeine naturally, but they like to add even more.)

• Do you drink more caffeine than your kids do? If you correct for body weight, probably not. Pound for pound, kids often get as much caffeine from chocolate and soft drinks as their parents get from coffee, tea, and other sources.

Read all about it: 28% of Americans go to a library at least once a month; 27% never go at all.

Was there really a Red menace in the 1950s?...And did FBI director J. Edgar Hoover really know how to deal with it? Or was the whole thing just a PR scam, devised to make Hoover look good (as some historians now suggest)? We may never know. But the controversy makes this article, from It’s A Conspiracy, interesting to ponder
.

J.
Edgar Hoover was considered an expert on Communist infiltration. Here are excerpts from different interviews he gave from 1947 to 1950 telling Americans how to protect themselves against the Red Menace.

INTERVIEWER:
“How can you tell a Communist?”

HOOVER:
“A Communist is not always easy to identify. It is possible that a concealed Communist may hide in the most unsuspected and unlikely place. He is trained in deceit and uses cleverly camouflaged movements to conceal his real purposes. But he may frequently be detected by certain characteristics. He will always espouse the cause of Soviet Russia over that of the United States. His viewpoint and position will shift with each change in the Communist Party ‘line.’ He will utilize a language of ‘double talk’—referring to the Soviet-dominated countries as ‘democracies’ and complain that the United States is ‘imperialistic’ He will attempt to infiltrate and gain control of organizations and subvert them to the use of the party.