Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ (89 page)

EXPAND YOUR VOCABULARY

• A
gynotikolobomassophile
is someone who likes to nibble on women’s earlobes.

• The fuzzy frame of mind between sleep and consciousness is technically referred to as a
hypnopompic state
.

According to the CDC, food allergies cause only 11 fatalities per year in the U.S.

FROM
A
UDI 5000 TO
Z
UNNDAPP JANUS

An A-to-Z of the weirdest, wildest, and most wonderful motor vehicles ever made
.

A
is for Audi 5000,
the car that gave us the phrase “sudden unintended acceleration” in the 1980s. The phrase refers to defects that make a car suddenly speed up without pressing the accelerator. It was believed to have caused hundreds of crashes and even some deaths. Audi was forced to recall millions of the 5000 models due to the problem…but it was never really proven that the cars had any defects—and a class-action suit by owners of the cars is still in court. The phrase resurfaced in 2009 when several Toyota models were recalled for the same reason.

B is for Bugatti Veyron,
a French high-performance “supercar” first produced in 2004. It has 16 cylinders, can go from 0–180 mph in 14 seconds, and has an astounding 1,001 horsepower. The Veyron EB model has a top speed of just over 265 mph—making it the fastest production car in the world. Cost: about $1.7 million.

C is for Chevrolet 6700-series bus
—the model used in the 1970s TV classic,
The Partridge Family
. Painted in brightly-colored blocks (inspired by the work of Dutch painter Piet Mondrian), the bus appeared in the pilot in 1970 and remained on the show until it was canceled in 1974. It was abandoned after that, and sat behind Lucy’s Tacos on Martin Luther King Boulevard in Los Angeles until 1987, when it was taken to a junk yard.

D is for Divco,
founded in 1926. Divco—an acronym for
D
etroit
I
ndustrial
V
ehicles
Co
mpany—made delivery vehicles, and if you’re old enough, you may remember one of them: They made the iconic milk delivery trucks that were used all over the country until the 1970s. Divco made the milk trucks for 60 years (until 1986) giving them the distinction of being the company that made the same model vehicle longer than any other in the world…after the Volkswagen Beetle.

When Antarctica’s Mt. Erebus erupts, its lava contains pieces of pure gold.

E is for Edsel,
the name that still means “FAILURE!” Ford made about 115,000 of them from 1959 until 1962—and lost an astounding $350 million along the way. The unfortunate car was named after Henry Ford’s only son, Edsel Bryant Ford.

F is for Fisker,
a California-based hybrid luxury sportscar manufacturer named after owner Henrik Fisker. They debuted their first prototype, the Karma, in 2008. Features: solar panels on the roof to run minor electrical systems; leather interiors made from the hides of free-range cattle that were never branded; wood trim from “non-living” trees (such as wood taken from trees long submerged in lakes); an “animal-free” model that uses bamboo-based cloth instead of leather; and a center console inlaid with fossilized leaves. Cost: from about $80,000 to $106,000.

G is for Gumpert,
a German street-legal supercar made by Roland Gumpert. Our favorite thing about the Gumpert: the name. (We really hope they have a “Forrest” Gumpert model.) The car first appeared in 2005, and became known around the world in 2008 when the popular British television show
Top Gear
raced one on their test track—and it ran the best time in the show’s history.

H is for Horsey Horseless Carriage,
invented by Battle Creek, Michigan, inventor Uriah Smith in 1899. Smith thought he had come up with the design for the first car that wouldn’t scare horses. It looked like a small horse-drawn carriage, except that it had a small engine…and a wooden facsimile of a horse’s head jutting out from its front. “The live horse would be thinking of another horse,” Smith wrote, “and before he could discover his error and see that he had been fooled, the strange carriage would be passed!” The Horsey Horseless is known only from advertisements; no examples survive.

I is for Isuzu,
named after the Isuzu River, located in Mie Prefecture on the east coast of Honshu Island, Japan. The name means “50 bells” and was first used in 1934 for a truck made by the Automobile Industries Co., Ltd., in Tokyo. In 1949 the company changed its name to Isuzu.

J is for John Steinbeck’s Camper Truck.
In 1960 the Nobel Prize-winning author bought a brand new, dark green, GMC pickup and ordered a customized camper for it from Wolverine
Camper of Gladwin, Michigan. Steinbeck told them he wanted a “little house, built like the cabin of a small boat,” and that’s what he got: The camper had a double bed, a four-burner stove, a heater, a refrigerator, and a chemical toilet. Calling his drivable home “Rocinante” (after Don Quixote’s horse), Steinbeck took his French poodle, Charly, on a three-month trip across America, and chronicled the journey in his 1963 classic,
Travels With Charly
. You can see Rocinante yourself; it’s in the National Steinbeck Center in Salinas, California.

India and China have more people than the next 21 most populous countries…combined.

K is for King Midget,
the first product offered by Midget Motors Supply of Athens, Ohio, in 1946. The founders wanted to build cars that anyone could afford—so they decided to
not
build them. The King Midget was a kit: It came in a box in pieces—frame, axles, springs, steering mechanism, sheet metal for the body, and instructions—and you had to put it together yourself. Cost: $250. But you also had to get your own engine. King Midgets were sold until 1970.

L is for Le Car,
otherwise known as the Renault 5. It’s on virtually every list of the worst cars in history. In the words of Tom and Ray Magliozzi, “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers” of NPR’s
Car Talk
radio show: “Like any French restaurant in America, it was overpriced, noisy, moody, and would put you in mortal danger if you had an accident with anything larger than a croissant.”

M is for Mack,
the company founded by John, Augustus, and William Mack in 1890. They made carriages and covered wagons at the time, but in 1900 John Mack had a “vision,” according to the Mack website, and in it saw the Macks making the world’s best heavy-duty work trucks. Their commercial trucks are known today for their signature bulldog logo, adopted in 1922. Ten years later, Alfred Fellows Masury, Mack’s Chief Engineer, was recovering from surgery when he carved a bulldog out of wood. He received a patent for the design, and the bulldog hood ornament has been on every Mack truck ever since.

N is for Nike ONE,
an imaginary car dreamed up by Nike designers in 2004 to promote the release of the driving simulator game,
Gran Turismo 4
. One physical model was made; it looked like a giant, futuristic roller skate. According to the concept, the driver puts on a “Spark Suit,” a specially-designed suit that converts
muscle movement into electricity, lays down inside the low, teardrop-shaped glass body, and the Spark Suit provides all the power needed for the HEP (“Human Energy Potential”) drive system. Top speed: 230 mph. (We hope it becomes real some day.)

70% of American daycare centers use TV to keep the kids entertained.

O is for Ol’ Yeller,
the name given to nine bright yellow racecars built by legendary Hollywood car builder Max Balchowsky from 1956 to 1963. Balchowsky mixed parts from different cars and put them together himself in his shop—he called them “junkyard dogs,” hence “Ol’ Yeller”—and actually beat the best-known race-car makers in the world, including Ferrari and Jaguar. You may have even seen one of his cars: Elvis Presley drove Ol’ Yeller VIII in the 1964 film
Viva Las Vegas
.

P is for Porter,
the fictional make of automobile from one of the dumbest TV shows of all time,
My Mother the Car
. The show starred Jerry Van Dyke as David Crabtree, who, while shopping for a used car, hears an old car talking to him. It turns out to be the reincarnated spirit of his dead mother. (Did we mention it’s regarded as one of the dumbest TV shows of all time?) The actual car was made from pieces of several different models, including a Ford Model T, a Maxwell, and a Hudson, with a custom radiator case that had the word “Porter” on it. It was blown up after the show was cancelled. (We wish. It’s actually at the Star Cars Museum in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.)

Q is for Queen,
manufactured from 1904 to 1907 by Detroit automaker Carl H. Blomstrom. About 2,500 of these two- or four-person runabouts were made. Although the engine was under the seat, Blomstrom was going for the European style, so he added a “faux hood” to the front. (There was nothing under it.) Company slogan: “Big Power. Few Parts.”

R is for Rinspeed iChange,
a futuristic concept car designed by Swiss manufacturer Rinspeed. Every year the company produces a new concept model for the Geneva Auto Show, and this was 2009’s model. The iChange is an electric car that looks sort of like a stylized shoe. It has no doors—the roof tilts up to allow passengers to get in it—and though it’s normally a one-seater, the back expands to reveal two additional seats. And there’s no key—it’s controlled by an iPhone.

Odds you’ll leave a “personal” (embarrassing) item behind in your hotel room: 1 in 6.

S is for Shall We Join Us?,
which—question mark and all—is the actual name of a car sold in Japan by Mitsubishi. Other great Japanese car names include the Toyota Deliboy, the Mitsubishi Chariot Grandio Super Exceed, the Daihatsu Naked, the Yamaha Pantryboy Supreme, and, our favorite, the Isuzu Light Dump.

T is for Trabant,
possibly the most drab, unstylish car in history, made in one of the most drab, unstylish countries ever, East Germany. Trabants were made from 1957 all the way until the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991, and barely changed in all those years. They came in just two styles, two-door sedan and two door wagon, and were equipped with a two-stroke engine, meaning you had to add oil to the gas every time you filled the tank. Best of all: For the average East German who ordered one, it took about 15 years to be delivered.

U is for Used Car Salesmen.
Thanks for the Ford Econoline Van you sold Uncle John in 1973, Used Car Guy. He loved being stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike in that lemon so much that he did it three times!

V is for VW Golf
—which sounds like it’s named after a sport, but it’s based on the German word for the Gulf Stream, and references the winds associated with it. The company has named several cars after winds—
Scirocco
(Mediterranean winds from the Saharan Desert),
Passat
(German for “trade wind”), and
Jetta
(for “jet stream”). And the VW Polo—which isn’t yet sold in the U.S., but won the coveted “World Car of the Year” in 2010—is named after the Marco Polo ocean current and the winds it generates.

W is for White Bus Model 706,
which wasn’t white and wasn’t a bus. It was a large, open-topped 14-passenger coach made by the White Motor Company (now better known for their long haul trucks) in the 1930s. They were made specifically for National Parks, including Yellowstone, Yosemite, and Glacier National Park, to take visitors on tours. Several are still in use today.

X is for X-Hawk Flying Car,
the “car of the future” we’ve been promised since the 1950s. It’s being developed by Urban Aeronautics in Tel Aviv, Israel, and will be powered by rotors that can can be pivoted, giving it VTOL (Vertical-Take-Off and Landing) capability like a helicopter, but with much more maneuverability.
It also has four wheels, so it can be driven like a car. Company owner Rafi Yoeli says the X-Hawk will be a perfect rescue vehicle, as it will be able to fly right up to windows of burning buildings and hover there while picking up trapped people. Yoeli says the flying cars will be on the market by 2012.

50% of American women have taken an all-female trip in the past three years.

Y is for Yugo,
first made in 1978 in the former Yugoslavia. In 1986 Yugo America started selling the cars in the U.S. for $3,999. More than 150,000 of the small, nondescript hatchbacks sold before people figured out that $3,999 was
way too much money
for them. They were poorly built cars, prone to numerous mechanical problems—including broken timing belts—which destroyed engines. Yugo folded in 1992, but the cars continued to be made in Serbia until 2008.

Z is for Zunndapp Janus,
a car made entirely out of
zunndapp,
a superlight material derived from asteroids, making it invisible in direct sunlight. Just kidding. It’s a microcar that was made by German motorcycle maker Zunndapp in 1958. It had a 14-horsepower engine and a top speed of 50 mph. Best feature: It had two bench seats. One faced forward, where the driver sat, and one faced backward, where the terrified passenger sat. (It was named for the two-faced Roman god Janus.)