Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ (74 page)

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The Rumtifusel.
This strange and deadly creature has a body that’s as flat as a griddle cake and beautiful fur—which is what makes it so enticing to the loggers. When the rumtifusel sprawls itself over a tree stump, it looks exactly like a mink coat that someone has abandoned. Who can resist that? When a logger comes up for a closer look, no doubt hoping to snag the prize for a lady friend, the rumtifusel strikes, leaping up and instantly wrapping itself around the logger. The thousands of squid-like suction cups on the rumtifusel’s underbelly can reduce the logger to a pile of bones in mere seconds.

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The Columbia River Sand Squink.
Found in British Columbia, Washington, and northern Oregon, the sand squink has the body of a fox, the head and long ears of a jackrabbit, and the bushy tail of a squirrel. It feeds on electric eels and gold prospectors, and always in that order. Normally a timid creature, when the sand squink eats the eels it gains both courage
and
an electric charge; then, when it spots a prospector walking alone, it touches its bushy tail to one ear and then the other, creating an electric light show the prospector finds irresistible. The sand squink
then leads the prospector deep into the forest…and he is never seen again.

Studies show: Americans are much more likely to be killed by a car than by a gun.

•
The Whopperknocker.
A woodland critter with lightning-fast reflexes and what must be the best eyesight of any animal in the forest, the whopperknocker cannot be shot: It can see the sparks in the chamber of the hunter’s rifle even before the bullet has left the barrel. As soon as it sees the sparks, it moves out of the bullet’s path and makes a clean getaway (which doubtless explains why so few specimens have been recovered from the wild).

•
The Ball-Tailed Cat.
This wildcat is found in some parts of Pennsylvania and Oregon and nowhere else. The male cat’s distinguishing feature: a heavy, bony ball about the size of a cantaloupe at the end of its tail. The cat uses the tail to kill its prey: lumberjacks. It hides in tree branches over logging trails and other places where loggers are likely to come along. When one passes underneath, it drops on the logger and beats him to death with the ball. During mating season the male also beats the ball against hollow logs to attract females.

•
The Snow Wasset.
One of the few creatures that hibernates in summer and is active in winter, the snake-like snow wasset is green in color during the summer months, with tiny legs that enable it to move around just enough to stay in the shade. As soon as the first snow falls, the creature sheds its legs and turns a snowy white. For the rest of the winter it prowls beneath the surface of the snow like a submarine stalking ships, sneaking up on wolves and other prey and devouring them at will.

MOST-WANTED FACTS

• Since 1950, there have been 494 fugitives on the FBI’s “Ten Most Wanted” list. Of those, 463 have been captured.

• Shortest amount of time on the list: two hours (Billy Austin Bryant, in 1969). Longest: armored-car-facility robber Victor Gerena was put on the list in 1984; he still hasn’t been captured.

• Minimum reward for information leading to the arrest of a fugitive on the Top Ten list: $100,000.

Back to basics:
Martha Stewart Living’s
most-requested recipe is macaroni and cheese.

RESIGNED IN PROTEST

Throughout history there have been people who have stood up and said “I quit!”—and it just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside
.

W
HO:
William Pitt the Younger, Prime Minister of Great Britain

BACKGROUND:
In 1800 Pitt introduced the Emancipation of Catholics Bill, which would have ended discrimination against Catholics (they could not, for example, hold public office at the time) and strengthened Great Britain’s union with Ireland.

RESIGNATION:
King George III refused to accept the bill, saying it would violate the oath he took to protect the Church of England. Pitt felt equally strongly about making concessions to Catholics, so on February 16, 1801, after 18 years in power (the second-longest term in British history), he resigned in protest. He remains the only prime minister in British history to resign the position in such a way. (Unfortunately, Pitt’s resignation did little to help Catholics, as the issue was effectively squashed for decades. They weren’t allowed to hold elected office until 1829.)

WHO:
Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady, and a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution

BACKGROUND:
The DAR is a historical preservation society open to women who can prove ancestral lineage to someone who aided the American Revolution. (Roosevelt had ancestors who fought in the war.) In 1939 the DAR was caught in a controversy when legendary music impresario Sol Hurok tried to book singer Marian Anderson into the organization’s concert venue, Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. DAR officials refused to allow it because Anderson was African American, and the DAR had a “whites only” performer policy.

RESIGNATION:
Roosevelt very publicly resigned her DAR membership in protest. Then she used her influence to arrange for Anderson to perform on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. More than 75,000 people attended. Chastened DAR officials apologized, and Anderson was later allowed to perform. (The “whites only” policy, however, wasn’t officially rescinded until 1952.)

U.S. death rates rise 15% in winter due to influenza, pneumonia, and hypothermia.

WHO:
James A. Bayard Jr., United States Senator from Delaware

BACKGROUND:
In 1864, in the midst of the Civil War, Congress passed a law requiring its members to take a greatly expanded loyalty oath, hoping to root out supporters of the Confederacy. The new oath required them to swear that they had never taken up arms against the government or supported such action in the past, and would never do so in the future.
RESIGNATION:
Senator Bayard, who’d been in office since 1850, took the oath—then immediately resigned his seat. It was an insult, he said, to long-serving members of Congress. Even worse, it would make it impossible to reunite the country after the war, as no senator from the South could honestly take such an oath, given its “in the past” provision.

ON SECOND THOUGHT:
When Bayard’s successor died in office in 1867, Bayard was appointed to finish out the term…and he took the expanded loyalty oath. (The wartime oath was finally repealed and replaced with a much milder oath in 1884.)

WHO:
Edvard Beneš, President of Czechoslovakia

BACKGROUND:
In 1938 Adolf Hitler demanded that Czechoslovakia cede to Germany their western border land, known as the Sudetenland, which was home to many ethnic Germans. Beneš, assured that he had the backing of France and the Soviet Union, refused. In September 1938, leaders of Nazi Germany, France, Britain, and Italy met in Munich—without the Czechs—and agreed that Hitler could have the Sudetenland.

RESIGNATION:
On October 5, Beneš resigned in disgust. Within months, the Nazis had taken all of Czechoslovakia. Beneš formed a Czechoslovak government-in-exile in London, and in 1945, at war’s end, returned to be elected the president of the country. That lasted until the takeover by communists allied with the Soviet Union in 1948—at which point Beneš resigned again. He died later that year at the age of 64.

WHO:
Einar Hovdhaugen and Helge Rognlien, members of the Norwegian Nobel Prize Committee

BACKGROUND:
The 1973 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded jointly to U.S. National Security Advisor Henry Kissinger and North Vietnamese general Le Duc Tho for having negotiated a
cease-fire between North and South Vietnam in January 1973.

RESIGNATION:
Hovdhaugen and Rognlien, both longtime Norwegian politicians, were so disgusted with the choice that they resigned from the Nobel committee. Why? For starters, the ceasefire had been signed in January, and the war was still raging at the time the prize was awarded—10 months later. General Tho, in fact, refused to accept his prize for just that reason. (The war actually continued for another two years.) Need another reason? Kissinger, having been the main force behind America’s bombing campaigns in Cambodia, seemed unworthy of a “peace” prize.

BONUS FACT:
When South Vietnam fell to the North in 1975—rendering the earlier “cease-fire” meaningless—Kissinger tried to give the prize back, but the committee refused.

In 1994 a man escaped from a West Virginia prison using a rope made of dental floss.

WHO:
Jerald terHorst, Press Secretary to President Gerald Ford

BACKGROUND:
Vice President Ford became president on August 9, 1974, after the resignation of Richard Nixon, and made terHorst, a veteran reporter for the
Detroit News,
his press secretary the same day. Rumors began swirling almost immediately that Ford was going to pardon Nixon for any crimes he may have committed in relation to the Watergate scandal. TerHorst assured reporters that there were no such plans.

RESIGNATION:
A month later, Ford pardoned Nixon. An appalled terHorst turned in his resignation the same day. “I cannot in good conscience support your decision to pardon former President Nixon even before he has been charged with the commission of any crime,” he wrote in his letter of resignation. He was replaced by NBC reporter Ron Nessen. TerHorst stood by his decision to leave the post until his death in 2010 at the age of 87.

WHO:
U.S. Secretary of State Cyrus Vance

BACKGROUND:
On November 4, 1979, hundreds of Iranian students stormed the U.S. embassy in Tehran, taking dozens of Americans hostage. President Jimmy Carter’s aides advised him to try a rescue operation. Vance advised against it, insisting it was too risky to the hostages, rescuers, and American-Iranian relations. Carter went against Vance’s advice and authorized “Operation Eagle Claw.” It was a disaster. Eight American servicemen were killed, several aircraft were lost, and no hostages were rescued.

Bite me! Researchers have recently discovered two species of frogs that have fangs.

RESIGNATION:
Vance was so opposed to the rescue plan that he actually resigned on April 21, 1980, three days before the attempt (although it was kept from the public for the sake of the mission). “I know how deeply you have pondered your decision on Iran,” he wrote to the president, “I wish I could support you. But for reasons we have discussed I cannot.” The 52 American hostages were held for 444 days, until January 20, 1981—the day after Jimmy Carter’s presidency ended. Vance served in several diplomatic positions with the United Nations over the following decades, and died in 2002 at age 84.

WHO:
Bruce Boler, a water quality specialist with the EPA

BACKGROUND:
Boler was assigned to southwest Florida in 2001 to assess the impact of development in and around the area’s wetlands. In the course of his work he refused several permits for golf course developments because of the amount of pollutants the developments would discharge into sensitive wetland areas. Outraged developers funded their own “scientific” studies, which determined that developments such as golf courses were actually better for the environment…than natural wetlands. Amazingly, in 2003 the EPA accepted the studies.

RESIGNATION:
Boler immediately resigned, calling the findings “absurd,” and went public with the information. (He now works at Florida’s Everglades National Park.)

WHO:
Larry Ramsell, Historian for the National Fresh Water Fishing Hall of Fame in Hayward, Wisconsin

BACKGROUND:
In 2005 the Illinois-based World Musky Alliance (a “musky” is a type of fish) filed a protest with the Fishing Hall of Fame. The problem: They listed a musky caught in 1949 by one Louis Spray in Wisconsin as the largest ever caught, at 63.5 inches—and it was a lie! The Musky Alliance claimed they had photographic proof that the fish in question was only about 56.3 inches long. That meant that a 60.25-inch fish caught by Mr. Cal Johnson, also in 1949, was really the largest. In January 2006, the Hall of Fame announced that, after a long investigation, they had determined that the record would stand.

RESIGNATION:
Ramsell resigned in protest. Almost nobody noticed.

Since
The Da Vinci Code
was published, attendance at the Louvre (where part of the novel took place) is up 1.5 million visitors a year.

BASIC INSTINCT,
STARRING JODIE FOSTER