Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ (57 page)

Price of adult admission to Disneyland in 1955: $1. In 2010: $76.

STOP DRAGGING YOUR TAIL AROUND

Prior to takeoff in Wellington, New Zealand, in 2001, the first officer of a Singapore-bound 747 entered the plane’s weight into the flight computer, and the captain confirmed the numbers. Unfortunately, the first officer’s estimate was short by 110 tons. When the 747 attempted to lift off with nearly 400 people aboard, it was traveling much too slowly. The nose lifted off the ground, but the rest of the aircraft did not, causing the tail to drag on the runway for 1,600 feet. By the time the plane became airborne, the tail was engulfed in flames. The pilots made a hasty turnaround and landed safely. The investigation revealed some disturbing facts: The pilot had little experience flying 747s and was accustomed to taking off at much slower speeds; the first officer also had little experience in 747s; and the third pilot, who did have experience and
should
have noticed, had been distracted by an argument with the ground crew over whether the plane was carrying enough fuel. All three pilots were reprimanded.

THE SCENIC ROUTE

Forty-five minutes into their flight, the 40 passengers aboard Hawaii’s go! Mokulele Airlines jet became concerned when they looked out and saw only ocean. The September 2008 flight from Honolulu to Hilo should have already landed. Air Traffic Control was wondering the same thing: They’d radioed the two pilots, Scott Oltman and Dillon Shipley, but received no response. Finally, after nearly 20 minutes and a dozen calls, Shipley answered, “Yeah, we’re here. Switching off auto-pilot and turning around for final approach.” The plane landed safely, but during questioning both pilots admitted to having fallen asleep. Their licenses were suspended; they were later fired by the airline.

First 100% synthetic material ever created: Bakelite, a plastic invented in 1907.

THE UNFRIENDLY SKIES

An Argentina-born Dutch pilot named Julio Poch, 57, was arrested moments before his Transavia flight was set to take off from Spain in 2009. His past, it seemed, had finally caught up with him…because he bragged about it. In the 1980s, Poch had served in Argentina’s military dictatorship and, according to the Argentinian Human Rights Secretariat in 2007, “he boasted of having been a pilot of the aircraft that threw live prisoners into the sea after the military coup.” According to his colleagues, Poch was unrepentant, explaining, “It was war.” He was extradited to Argentina and charged with 950 crimes against humanity. (After an eight-hour delay, the flight took off with a new crew; the passengers were never told why the pilot was led away in handcuffs.)

BRB

Only a few hundred feet from touching down in Singapore in May 2010, an Australian Jetstar Airbus carrying 167 passengers was forced to abort the landing and circle the airport for another attempt. Why did the plane have to abort? Because the landing gear wasn’t down. Why wasn’t the landing gear down? Because the pilot whose job it was to pull the landing gear lever was distracted. Why was he distracted? According to SkyNews, he was sending a text message on his cell phone. The plane landed safely and the pilot was suspended pending an investigation. OMG!

THE LAW SURE DID KETCHUP WITH HER

Officials and patrons at the Ada County Library in Boise, Idaho, were perplexed by a bizarre series of crimes in 2009 and 2010: Someone was dumping ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and even syrup into the book drop box. After dozens of books had been damaged, police staked out the drop box and busted Joy L. Cassidy, 74, with a jar of mayonnaise in her car. Her motive is still unknown, but police did say that she was mentally competent enough to stand trial. (We assume they’ll throw the book at her.)

Journalist slang: A fluff or filler news piece is called “bubble wrap.”

THE NANNY STATE QUIZ

The British government has been accused of filling their law books with nitpicky regulations covering the details of everything from public safety to energy consumption. Result: a legal system that critics say treats its citizens like babies unable to think or care for themselves without help from the government, hence the nickname “the Nanny State.” How much truth is there to the charge? Take this quiz and find out. (Answers on
page 537
.)

1
.
On orders from the British government, between 2007 and 2009 local governments (“councils”) spent £1.65 million ($2.5 million) addressing which of the following threats to public safety:

a) Unsafe tire pressure. The money was spent issuing tire gauges to “traffic wardens” (meter maids) to enable them to check tire pressure on parked cars and issue tickets to “at-risk offenders.”

b) Wobbly tombstones. As many as a million tombstones in cemeteries all over the U.K. were subjected to a device called a “topple tester” to see if they were in danger of falling over. Unsafe grave markers were strapped and propped up with stakes, then flagged with large yellow stickers to warn mourners of the danger.

c) “Dangerously hot” beverages. The money was used to develop a cup lid that seals shut when a beverage is too hot. Fine for not using the “locking lid” while driving: £50 (about $78).

2
.
In 2008 the West Sussex County Council in southern England proposed a £20 fine for which of the following offenses:

a) Leaving your engine running while stuck in traffic.

b) Drying underwear on washlines within 150 ft. of a school.

c) Cursing within earshot of public officials or the Queen.

3
.
In 2007 the British government made which of the following changes to the criminal justice system:

a) Persons convicted of soccer hooliganism must attend mandatory “sports fan etiquette and anger control” courses.

b) Instead of arresting shoplifters, police now issue £80 ($125) “penalty notices,” similar to parking tickets, for thefts under £200 ($312). They do not appear on the thief’s criminal record.

During the 1930s, speed typing was a popular competitive “sport.”

c)
Motorists with five speeding offenses in a two-year period must have a speed-limiting device called a “speed guv” (short for “governor”) installed in their vehicle “to prevent repeat offenses.”

4
.
The public pool owned by the Hackney (East London) Council is closed to swimmers whenever which of the following occurs:

a) It rains—the pool is closed when it becomes “too wet to swim.”

b) A swimmer is seen entering the pool without showering first.

c) 45 minutes have elapsed since the last urine test. (The pool is closed for 15 minutes every hour and tested for the presence of urine; if the pool is found to be pee-free, swimmers may re-enter.)

5
.
At least 2.6 million British households have had a microchip installed in which of the following items by their local government councils:

a) TVs, to supervise the viewing habits of families with children.

b) Washing machines, to monitor which households waste water.

c) Trash cans, to monitor how much garbage people throw away.

6
.
In 2008 the British government caused a public uproar when it made plans to publish which of the following:

a) The income of every citizen in the United Kingdom (to discourage tax fraud).

b) The names of every citizen treated for a sexually transmitted disease within the past ten years (enabling people to find out whether their partners are infected).

c) Guidelines for the safe consumption of alcohol by children.

7
.
In 2009 the British government launched a pilot program to pay British citizens to do which of the following:

a) Turn off the TV and read a book. Reward: £1 ($1.50) for every hour spent reading a book on the “approved reading list.”

b) Lose weight. The fattest Britons who lose the most weight (and keep it off for six months) receive up to £425 ($665).

c) Pick up after their dogs. Dog owners are paid £1 for each pound of poop they turn in to the local animal control office. (Title of the program:
P3
—“One Pound per Pound at the Pound”).

First movie Steven Spielberg ever saw:
The Greatest Show on Earth,
at age 4.

MMM…WORDS

The Simpsons
has been on the air for more than 20 years, and in that time the show’s writers have invented dozens of words (some of which have actually made it into common usage). Here’s a sampling
.

M
EH:
An expression of indifference, first uttered by Lisa when Homer wanted to take the family to a Legoland-like theme park.

YOINK:
In a 1993 episode, Homer yanks a wad of money right out of Marge’s hand and says “yoink” as he does so. It’s since been said by other characters when they’re stealing something, and has become part of the vernacular—half slang for “stealing,” half sound effect.

KWIJIBO:
To wrap up a game of Scrabble, Bart puts all his letters on the game board to form the imaginary word
kwijibo,
which he defines as “a big, dumb, balding North American ape with no chin and a short temper” (i.e., Homer).

ZAZZ:
Lisa is told by a TV producer that Bart, unlike her, has plenty of “zazz,” which means flair and charisma.

SMARCH:
In a 1995 episode, Springfield Elementary receives misprinted calendars that include an extra month called Smarch. (Smarch is almost always included in
Simpsons
calendars.)

EMBIGGENS:
Springfield town founder Jebediah Springfield coined the town’s motto, “A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.”

CROMULENT:
Lisa questions whether the founder of Springfield ever really said the town motto, especially the made-up sounding
embiggens,
but is reassured by her teacher that embiggens is a “perfectly cromulent word.”

GLAVEN:
An interjection used by the wacky scientist Professor Frink to express any grand emotion, from joy to wonder to terror. The character is based on Jerry Lewis’s
Nutty Professor,
and
Simpsons
writers thought the sing-songy “GLAY-ven” sounded like something Lewis would’ve said.

VELOCITATOR:
The speech of the evil, extremely old tycoon Mr. Burns is characterized by words that seem antiquated, but were really made up by
Simpsons
writers. A velocitator, for example, is what Mr. Burns calls a car’s accelerator pedal.

Sharks can hear lower frequencies than humans can hear higher frequencies than sharks can.

SENSELESS DUNDERPATE:
Another Burns word, it means “a stupid person.”

SUPERLIMINAL:
Sub
liminal communication is the delivery of information via secret or undetected means.
Super
liminal communication is a blatant, direct message. Navy recruiter L. T. Smash demonstrates the technique by yelling out his window to a man: “Hey, you! Join the Navy!”

UNPOSSIBLE:
Ralph Wiggum isn’t a very smart kid. When told he’s failing English class, he gasps and says, “Me, fail English? That’s unpossible.”

BOLOGNIUM:
Springfield schools are so cash-strapped that they use periodic element charts provided by Oscar Mayer. One of the elements listed is
Bolognium
. (Its atomic weight is “snacktacular.”)

FORFTY:
In a 1994 episode called “Homer the Vigilante,” Homer dismisses statistics with a claim that “forfty percent of all people” know that statistics can be easily manipulated.

TRAUMEDY:
A combination of the words “trauma” and “comedy,” it’s used by town doctor Julius Hibbert to describe hilarious pratfalls that end in brutal injuries.