Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ (25 page)

M
yth:
If a bear is chasing you, head toward lower ground because bears can’t run as fast downhill.

Fact:
Bears can run about twice as fast as humans—uphill
or
down. Plus they’re excellent climbers. And they can jump. So should you stay where you are and simply play dead? If it’s a mother guarding her cubs, then yes—she just wants to protect them and will likely leave you alone. If it’s a hungry, predatory bear, it
will
catch you if it’s close enough; your best bet: Yell…and if necessary, fight back.

Myth:
Air is mostly oxygen.

Fact:
The air we breathe is about 21% oxygen. The rest: 0.93% argon, 0.038% carbon dioxide, trace amounts of other gases, and 78% nitrogen.

Myth:
Evolution means species evolve into more complex forms.

Fact:
Evolution can just as easily lead to genetically simpler forms. For example, fish species that inhabit dark caves may lose their eyes over time. Though some people refer to this as “devolution,” biologists say it’s a misnomer and prefer the term
degeneration
.

Myth:
In Islam, a
fatwa
is a death sentence proclaimed against anyone who is deemed an infidel or a blasphemer.

Fact:
A fatwa is simply a religious opinion rendered by an Islamic scholar, based on Islamic law. Rarely does that opinion conclude with a call for capital punishment. The source of this myth is probably the world’s best-known fatwa, which occurred when Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini called for the death of author Salman Rushdie in response to his 1988 book
The Satanic Verses
.

Myth:
The best time to learn a second language is during early childhood.

Fact:
It’s long been thought that kids’ brains have more
plasticity,
meaning they can absorb more new information than adults can. But recent studies have found what language professors suspected all along: Plasticity remains into old age. In fact, people who have already mastered their native language are better suited to learning new ones.

What do Warsaw and Budapest have in common? Both have Winnie-the-Pooh Streets.

Myth:
People who get head lice have bad hygiene.

Fact:
Clean hair is actually easier for head lice to cling to.

Myth:
According to the Bible, three Wise Men, or “Magi,” riding camels from the east, brought gifts to baby Jesus on the night he was born.

Fact:
Nowhere in the Bible does it say there were three of them or how they got there—only that they brought three gifts. The plural use of “Magi” means that there could have been two or even ten. The names attributed to the Magi—Caspar, Melchior, and Balthasar—did not appear until 500 A.D. in Greek writings.

Myth:
Vikings wore helmets with horns on them.

Fact:
Vikings were buried with their helmets…and their drinking horns. When Victorians dug them up, they assumed the horns had fallen off the helmets.

Myth:
Fossils are the preserved remains of animals or plants.

Fact:
Very few fossils are the actual remains (such as an insect trapped in amber). Most are actually
trace fossils:
When the dead plant or animal was covered by sediment, the organic matter decayed and was slowly replaced by minerals in the groundwater. Over time, very little (if any) of the original living thing was left, except for its
cast,
or shape. Now it’s basically a rock.

Myth:
If you want a flat stomach, just do sit-ups or use an exercise machine that works your abdomen.

Fact:
Don’t let the infomercials fool you. This form of weight loss—called “spot reduction”—is impossible. Although you can build specific muscle groups via exercise, exactly
where
your body will burn off fat is determined by genetics.

“Myths which are believed in tend to come true.”
—George Orwell

Estimate: About 90% of the Tiffany & Co. products listed on eBay are counterfeit.

JUST PLANE WEIRD

If you’re reading this book on a plane, you might want to skip this chapter until your flight is over and you’re safely on the ground
.

N
OT A VERY FUN GUY

The passengers on board a Ryanair flight from Budapest to Dublin in 2008 nearly panicked when a strange liquid began oozing from an overhead compartment. It landed on a man (not named in press reports), whose neck began to swell up. He could barely breathe. The plane made an emergency landing in Frankfurt, Germany, where medics boarded and determined that the liquid was not dangerous. The man was treated, and after a two-hour delay, the flight took off again. A Ryanair official reassured the public that it wasn’t a chemical attack and that there was no “burning substance.” Apparently, the man—who is allergic to mushrooms—just happened to be sitting underneath an overhead compartment where another passenger had stored a jar of mushroom soup, which had leaked out during the flight.

B.O. AIR

The moment that an unidentified U.S. man boarded an Air Canada Jazz flight in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, in 2010 the entire plane was assaulted by his stench. “It was brutal,” said one passenger. The smell was so bad that people started complaining to the flight attendants, but they didn’t have to—the flight crew couldn’t take the smell, either. The man, described as “unkempt,” was escorted off the plane. According to reports, he found a place to take a shower and then flew out on a later flight.

FIRE IN THE HEAD!

Pandemonium broke out on a Compass Airlines flight from Minneapolis to Regina, Saskatchewan, in May 2008 when smoke started pouring into the rear of the main cabin. There was a fire in the lavatory. The pilot took the plane from 30,000 feet to a runway in Fargo, North Dakota, in less than eight minutes and all 72 passengers made it off safely thanks to the crew’s fast action—including that of 19-year-old flight attendant Eder Rojas, who put out the flames with a fire extinguisher. Back on the ground, federal investigators discovered that the fire had been deliberately set… by Eder Rojas. Why? He was angry that he had to work that particular route. Rojas was arrested and faces up to 20 years in prison, but disappeared before his trial began. At last report, his whereabouts were still unknown.

Crosby, Stills & Nash had played only one gig together before Woodstock.

COWBOYS & ALIENS

During a 2010 SkyWest Airlines flight from Montana to Utah with 50 people aboard, a man ran up to the cockpit door and started banging on it. “I’m a space alien!” he shouted. “And I demand to fly this human aircraft!” The plane’s lone flight attendant couldn’t remove the 32-year-old man, so he asked the passengers for a little help. That’s when Clay Cooper, a cowboy (really), got up and forced the “alien” back into his seat. “Stay there!” said Cooper as he clicked the man’s seat belt. A few minutes later, the plane made an emergency landing in Idaho Falls; the man kicked and yelled at the police officers who escorted him away. He was charged with disturbing the peace and assaulting an officer. Apparently his friend—who’d slept through most of the ruckus—was taking him home to Las Vegas because he was “acting weird.”

BLOWIN’ IN THE WIND

On a gusty day in April 2010, Ken Marcoux and his wife Carol drove their Toyota Prius to Colorado’s Boulder Municipal Airport to watch the small planes take off and land. Sitting in their car about 250 feet from the runway, they noticed a single-engine Beechcraft Bonanza getting tossed around by the wind as it attempted to land. The plane slammed down on the runway so hard that it bounced back up, spun around in the air, and started flying uncontrollably at more than 100 miles per hour…directly toward them. “Ken!” shouted Carol. He hit the accelerator, and the Prius—not known for its pickup—moved forward just far enough that the Beechcraft’s right wing clipped the car’s
rear
window instead of the front, where the Marcouxs were sitting. Then the plane flew into a utility pole, lost its left wing, and crashed in a field. The pilot jumped out and ran away. “It’s amazing,” said Carol Marcoux. “I’m very grateful that I wasn’t decapitated.” A few hours later, the pilot, 67-year-old Joe Curtis, turned himself in (he said he ran away to go tend to his two dogs in his car). He described his flying skills as “rusty.”

Mmmm! Every year, about 8 million pounds of sugar are used to make Twinkies.

I’LL LET MYSELF OUT, THANKS

After the arriving Delta Airlines plane taxied to its gate in Phoenix, Arizona, the seat belt sign was turned off and the passengers stood up and started gathering their things. As anyone who’s ever sat in the back of a plane knows, this process can take an annoyingly long time. One passenger—a 37-year-old man whose name wasn’t released—didn’t feel like waiting and did what most passengers only fantasize about doing: He opened the emergency exit door and climbed out onto the wing. He then scurried down to the tarmac and started looking for a way into the airport. He made it in, all right, but in police custody.

WAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

In April 2010, British law professor Kris Lines began the last leg of his long journey from England—an Air Canada flight from Calgary to Vancouver. After being awake for nearly 24 hours, Lines dozed off for the 90-minute flight. A tap on his shoulder woke him up. The plane was dark. It was inside a hangar. A mechanic stood over him. They were the only two people aboard. “Take all the time you want,” said the mechanic. “The flight landed an hour and a half ago.” Lines gathered his stuff and was shuttled back to the main terminal. Air Canada officials apologized and explained that the flight attendants were so busy assisting several passengers in wheelchairs that they didn’t notice Griffin still sleeping in the back when they closed up the plane. “What if I’d been a vulnerable passenger?” he complained to reporters. “Or a young girl, or elderly? Or a terrorist? Then I’ve got 90 minutes, all by myself, in a secure area!” For his trouble, Lines was given 20% off his next Air Canada flight.

“I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name.”

—Zach Galifianakis

Bird ballerinas: Flamingos always walk on their toes.

HANG UP THE PHONE!

“Distracted driving” accidents are on the rise thanks to more texting and cell phone use in cars. But as these real-life emergency room reports attest, you don’t have to be in your car to have a phone-related episode
.

“Nose bleed: Patient was texting on his phone, not paying attention. Ran into a door.”

“Patient injured her right eye while she was walking down the hall, texting on phone. Another student ran into her eye with his head.”

“Finger laceration: Patient talking on cell phone while cutting raw chicken at home.”

“Patient riding horse and text messaging on cell phone same time, let go of reins. Horse took off, patient fell off.”

“Fell on escalator while on phone, hit head on railing.”

“Ankle sprain: 20-year-old female talking on cell phone, exiting bus. Fell down steps.”

“Dirt bike accident: Patient tried to answer cell phone going 45 mph and laid bike down. Bruised chest, two fractured ribs.”

“Patient fell while walking dog, talking on cell phone.”

“Bruised sternum: Patient was lifting weights while talking on cell phone. Barbell fell onto chest.”

“46-year-old patient riding bike, cell phone caught in spokes, patient flipped over handlebars. Fractured nose.”

“Corneal abrasion: Patient got Super Glue in eye while talking on cell phone.”