Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (4 page)

“He had bet his father about $30 that he could dress in robe and veils and ride unnoticed in the women’s section of a segregated municipal bus, but he was detected because he failed to wear women’s shoes underneath the robe. A court ruled the prank obscene.”

—Universal Press Syndicate

JUST SAY NO

“Police in England pounced on an elderly man when they raided a pub looking for a drug dealer. The suspect explained that his bag of white powder was actually the ashes of his late wife, Alice, which he carried everywhere.”

—Fortean Times

THE KINDER, GENTLER IRS

“As a public service to taxpayers, the Internal Revenue Service provides a free tax information service by phone. All you have to do is call the 800 number listed in your local directory, and you can get your tax questions answered.

“But in Portland, Oregon, taxpayers got a different type of service. When the phone was answered, callers heard a sultry voice breathing, ‘Hi, sexy.’ The embarrassed IRS later explained that the Portland phone directory had misprinted the number. Instead of the IRS, callers were reaching Phone Phantasies.”

—The 176 Stupidest Things Ever Done

HOLY MATRIMONY!

“A 22-year-old Los Angeles man advertised in a magazine as a lonely Romeo looking for a girl with whom to share a holiday tour of South America. The joyful Juliet who answered his plea turned out to be his widowed mother.”

—The World’s Greatest Mistakes

COOL CUSTOMER

“Robert Redford was making a movie in New Mexico...[and a] lady who encountered him in an ice cream parlor on Canyon Street between takes was determined to stay cool....She pretended to ignore the presence of the movie star....But after leaving the shop, she realized she did not have the ice cream cone she’d bought and paid for. She returned to the shop....to ask for her ice cream cone. Overhearing, Robert Redford said, ‘Madame, you’ll probably find it where you put it—in your purse.’”

—Paul Harvey’s
For What It’s Worth

This ancient Greek myth tells how the echo was created...and explains why the word “narcissistic” means “self-involved.” It’s from a BRI favorite
, Myths and Legends of the Ages.

I
n ancient times, the fields and forests were peopled by lovely enchanted creatures called nymphs. Their homes were the trees and flowers and streams. Their food was fairy food.

Echo was one of these charming creatures. She was lovely to look at as she flitted about the forests. She might have been a perfect delight to her companions—except for one thing. Echo talked too much! Not only that, but she insisted on having the last word in every conversation.

This annoying habit finally so angered Juno, the queen of the gods, that she decided to punish Echo.

“This shall be your punishment,” Juno said. “You shall no longer be able to talk—with this exception: you have always insisted on having the last word; so, Echo, you will never be able to say anything
but
the last word!”

Now in the forest where the nymphs dwelt, a handsome young man named Narcissus used to go hunting. So handsome was he, even the lovely nymphs fell in love with him at first sight. But Narcissus was terribly vain. He felt that no one was good enough to deserve his love.

One day, Echo caught sight of Narcissus and straightaway fell in love with him. She yearned to tell him of her love; but because of Juno’s punishment, she was powerless to speak. Echo followed Narcissus adoringly wherever he went. But now, in her affliction, Echo became very shy.

One day, while out hunting, Narcissus became separated from his companions. Hearing a sound in the woods nearby, he called out, “Who’s there?”

It was Echo. But all she could answer was the last word
“There!”

Narcissus called again. “Come!” he said.

“Come!” replied Echo.

Still seeing no one, Narcissus cried, “Why do you shun me?”

“Shun me!” came back the reply.

“Let us join each other,” called Narcissus.

Then Echo, full of love, stepped out from between the trees.

“Each other!” she said, giving Narcissus both of her hands.

But Narcissus drew back in his pride. “Go away,” he said. “How dare you be so forward! I would rather die than that you should have me.”

“Have me,” wept Echo.

But in his cold pride Narcissus left her.

Echo was heartbroken. From then on, she pined away. Echo grew thinner and thinner. Finally, nothing was left of her—but her voice.

Echo still lives among the rocks and caves of the mountains where she answers anyone who calls. But she answers with only the last word.

But cruel Narcissus did not escape punishment He continued his vain self-love until such a day when he spurned another nymph who sought his affection. The hurt creature in her anguish entreated the goddess of Love:

“Oh, goddess,” she prayed, “make this hard-hearted young man know what it is to love someone who does not return his love. Let him feel the pain I now suffer.”

The nymph’s prayer was heard. In the middle of the forest, there was a clear fountain. Here Narcissus wandered one day, and bending over to drink, he caught sight of his own reflection in the water. He thought he saw a beautiful water nymph. Gazing in admiration, Narcissus fell in love with himself!

He stretched out his arms to clasp the beautiful being he saw in the water. The creature stretched out its arms, too. Narcissus plunged his arms into the water to embrace his beloved. Instantly, the water shivered into a thousand ripples and the creature disappeared.

A few moments later his beloved reappeared. Now Narcissus brought his lips near to the
water to take a kiss. Again the image fled!

He begged his adored one to stay.

“Why do you shun me?” he begged. “If I may not touch you, at least let me look at you.”

Narcissus would not leave the pool. Now he knew the pain of loving in vain. Gradually, he grew pale and faded away. As he pined in hopeless love, he lost his beauty. The nymph Echo hovered near him and sorrowed for him. And when he murmured, “Alas, alas!” she answered, “Alas!”

Finally, he died in grief. The nymphs prepared to bury him. But when they came for him, he was nowhere to be found. In his stead, bending over the pool, they found a beautiful flower.

And to this day, this lovely flower grows near the water and is called narcissus.

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ASK THE EXPERTS

Q:
Why do we use only 10 percent of our brains?

A:
We don’t. “The 10 percent myth dates back to the nineteenth century, when experiments showed that stimulation of small areas of the brain could have dramatic results. Touch a tiny part of brain tissue and you might be able to induce the patient to extend a limb. There was an easy, if unscientific, extrapolation: If a small percentage of the brain could do so much, then obviously most of the brain was unused.

“In reality, most of the brain mass
is
used for thinking. Any small-brained creature can extend limbs or see what’s across the room, but it takes a big brain to handle the wiring necessary for a profound and abstract thought, such as, ‘I stink, therefore I am.’

“Today it is possible to watch brain activity through positron-emission tomograms, or PET scans, which show electrical firing among billions of brain cells. Not every cell is involved in every thought or nerve impulse, but there is no evidence that any gray matter is superfluous. The brain has no unused parts, no equivalent of the appendix.” (From
Why Things Are, Vol II: The Big Picture
, by Joel Achenbach)

Want people from other countries to think you’re polite? Of course you do. So here are a few BRI tips about what’s considered good manners around the world.

In Japan:
Wear a surgical mask in public if you have a cold.

In Switzerland:
Buy wine for your table if you drop your bread in the fondue.

In Italy:
Don’t allow a woman to pour wine.

In Samoa:
Spill a few drops of kava, the national beverage, before drinking.

In Belgium and Luxembourg:
Avoid sending a gift of chrysanthemums. They are a reminder of death.

In Sweden:
Wait until you’re outside your guest’s house before putting your coat on.

In Jordan:
Leave small portions of food on your plate. Also, refuse seconds at least twice before accepting.

In Greece:
Cheerfully participate in folk dancing if invited.

In Fiji:
Fold your arms behind you when conversing.

In Portugal:
Signal you enjoyed a meal by kissing your index finger and then pinching your earlobe.

In China:
Decline a gift a few times before accepting. Use both hands to give or receive one.

In Iran:
Shake hands with children. (It shows respect for their parents.)

In Spain:
Say “buen provecho” to anyone beginning a meal.

In Finland:
If you pass the salt at the dinner table, don’t put it in anyone’s hand—put the salt shaker down and let them pick it up.

In Norway:
When a fisherman walks by, spit after him. It’s a way of wishing him good luck.

In Korea:
Allow others to pass between you and the person you are conversing with. Don’t make anyone walk behind you.

These characters are as famous in our culture as Pegasus or Hercules were in Greek myths. Where did they come from?

S
MOKEY THE BEAR.
In 1942, at the peak of World War II, U.S. officials realized that forest fires could jeopardize national security. They began a poster campaign about fire prevention. In 1944, the posters featured Disney’s Bambi. But in 1945, the Forest Service introduced its own character—Smokey the Bear (named after “Smokey Joe” Martin, assistant fire chief in New York City from 1919 to 1930). The campaign was successful, but really took off in 1950, when an orphaned bear cub was rescued from a fire in New Mexico and was nursed back to health by a forest ranger’s family. They named him Smokey and sent him to the National Zoological Park in Washington, D.C....where he became a popular attraction as a living icon. He got so much mail that the postal service gave him his own zip code.

UNCLE BEN.
From 1943 to 1945, Texan Gordon Harwell sold a special “converted” rice—made by special process, so it would last longer than usual—to the U.S. government. After World War II, Harwell and his business partner decided to sell it to the general public. But what would they call it? They were in a Chicago restaurant one night when Harwell remembered a black farmer in the Houston area who’d been famous for the high quality of his rice. He was known simply as Uncle Ben. Since Ben was long dead, Harwell asked Frank Brown, maitre d’ of the restaurant, to pose for the now-famous portrait on every box of Uncle Ben’s Converted Rice.

CHIQUITA BANANA.
During World War II, almost no bananas made it to U.S. shores—the United Fruit Company’s fleet of ships had been comandeered to move war supplies. After the war, the company wondered how to reintroduce the fruit to the American public. Their solution: a radio ad campaign featuring a singing banana. (“I’m Chiquita Banana and I’m here to say / Bananas have to ripen in a certain way...”) Their calypso-style jingle became so popular that it was even released as a record...and hit #1 on the pop music charts!

People clamored to know what Chiquita looked like. So the company hired cartoonist Dik Browne (later, creator of “Hagar the Horrible”) to create her. He gave her a familiar Latin look by “borrowing” movie star Carmen Miranda’s fruit-salad hat and sexy dress. Chiquita became so famous dancing on TV commercials that in 1990, United Fruit changed its name to Chiquita Brands.

LEO, THE MGM LION.
In 1915 Howard Dietz, a young adman who had just graduated from Columbia University, was ordered by his boss to create a trademark for the Goldwyn Movie Company. He was stumped...until he remembered that his alma mater’s insignia was a lion. “If it’s good enough for Columbia, it’s good enough for Goldwyn,” he said...and Leo began roaring at the beginning of each Goldwyn film. A few years, later Goldwyn merged with the Metro and Mayer film companies, forming Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. Leo became their logo, too. Today, he is Hollywood’s most durable star—featured in films for over 80 years.