Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (16 page)

SWISS.
In Switzerland, where it originated, they call it emmenthaler. “Swiss” is the generic term for imitations. The holes, by the way, come from pockets of natural carbon dioxide gases expanding in the cheese as it ages.

MONTEREY JACK.
Created in Monterey, California by David Jacks, in the 1890s.

TILLAMOOK.
American Cheddar made in Tillamook County, Oregon.

The White House is more than just a building—it’s an important national symbol—as well one of the most recognizable buildings on Earth. How much do you know about its history? Here’s an introduction.

B
OOM TOWN

When the founding fathers began making plans for the nation’s capital city in 1789, they couldn’t agree on a location. The northerners wanted a northern city to serve as the capital; the southerners wanted a southern city. Finally, they compromised: Instead of establishing the capital in an existing city, they’d create a new one from scratch. And they’d build it somewhere in the middle of the country, not too far north and not too far south.

On July 12, 1790, President Washington signed an Act of Congress declaring that on “the first Monday in December 1800,” the federal government would move to a new Federal District “not exceeding ten miles square...on the river Potomac.” Philadelphia would serve as a temporary capital until then.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

But the act didn’t say exactly where on the Potomac the new city should be. A lot more arguing took place before Secretary of State Thomas Jefferson and Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton finally agreed on a ten-mile by ten-mile area of farmland and swamps, a mile east of Georgetown, Maryland, and just over the Potomac from Arlington, Virginia.

Maryland and Virginia donated the land, and George Washington hired engineer Pierre L’Enfant, a friend of Jefferson, to lay out the new city. Washington also appointed three federal district commissioners to oversee the work that was done in the new capital. One of their first decisions: they named the new city “Washington.” (Although, for the rest of his life, George Washington insisted on calling the city the “Federal District.”)

AD HOC

Since the idea of a president was so new—most European countries were still ruled by royalty—nobody really knew what a president’s house should look like. So in 1792, Thomas Jefferson took out a newspaper ad offering $500 to the architect who came up with the best design for a president’s house, with George Washington making the final decision. Newspaper contests were an unusual way to solicit architectural designs even in the 1790s, but Jefferson figured it was the only way to guarantee that the architect would be chosen based on the merits of his design and not on favoritism or connections. Jefferson probably came to regret the newspaper contest idea, because he entered his own plans in the contest under the pseudonym “Mr. AZ” and lost.

TEMPORARY HOUSING

George Washington admired the work of architect James Hoban, an Irish immigrant who had designed the State Capitol of South Carolina. Washington encouraged Hoban to enter the contest...and then decided in his favor.

Hoban’s design called for a three-story mansion and, as asked, included plans for wings that could be added on later when the time came. (They were never built.) He set the dimensions of the presidential palace at 170 feet long, 85 feet deep, and three stories high. Washington thought Hoban’s building was beautiful, but he also complained that it was too small. He suggested increasing its size by about 20%. Since that would have cost a fortune, the suggestion was politely ignored.

HOUSE PAYMENTS

Hoban estimated that the president’s house would cost about $400,000 to build. But no one knew how to pay for it. George Washington thought he could raise the funds through the sale of building lots in the Federal District. But building an entire city from the ground up, in the middle of farmlands and swamps, for a republic barely ten years old, seemed such an impossible undertaking that many people doubted whether the city would ever really be built. In fact, the new city was the laughing stock of New York and Philadelphia; the state of Pennsylvania had even begun building its own permanent
federal buildings in the expectation that Washington, D.C. would eventually be abandoned.

In the face of such skepticism, the few District of Columbia lots that sold at all, sold at much lower prices than anticipated.

So the planners had to cut corners. The third floor of the president’s house was eliminated, as were the North and South Porticoes (the large, columned overhangs that were planned for the front and rear of the building). The marble fireplaces that had been ordered were cancelled and replaced with simpler ones made of wood. The “presidential palace” was becoming less palatial.

Part II of the “Origin of the White House” is on
page 159
.

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FRUSTRATIONS OF THE RICH & FAMOUS

“When his car broke down on a busy New York road, William Shatner (of “Star Trek” fame) stuck out his thumb and tried to hitch a ride. But no one stopped.

“‘Eventually, I tried to play the celebrity card,’ the actor said. ‘I made this pickup truck slow down by jumping out and shouting,
“Hi, it’s me, Captain Kirk!’”

“The woman driving said, ‘Yeah?’ then stuck up her middle finger and went ‘Well, beam
THIS
up!’

“As she sped off down the road, Shatner decided to walk.”

—The Edge, Portland Oregonian

“Treasury Secretary Michael Blumenthal found himself in an embarrassing situation in Beethoven’s, an expensive San Francisco restaurant in 1979. Blumenthal was confronted with a sizable dinner bill, an expired Visa card, and a waiter who wanted proof of signature to back up an out-of-town check. Blumenthal thought for a minute, and solved his predicament the only way he could: He produced a dollar bill and pointed to his own signature, W. M. Blumenthal, in the bottom right-hand corner. The signatures matched, and Blumenthal’s personal check was accepted.”

—Strange Facts and Useless Information
, by Scot Morris

It’s not easy selling things in the global economy—a lot of product names lose something in translation. These products are real...but you probably aren’t going to find them at your Wal-Mart any time soon:

Strange Taste
—a popular Chinese candy.

Zit!
—a German “gourmet chocolate and fruit confection.”

Pschit
—a French soft drink, and
Mucos
, a soda sold in the Philippines.

Ass Glue
—a Chinese patent medicine that is marketed as a “blood nourishing paste.”

Koff
—a Finnish beer sold briefly in the United States.

Shitto
—a spicy pepper sauce from Ghana.

Super Piss
—a Finnish solvent that unfreezes car locks.

Little Hussy
—a writing tablet for little girls, sold in Taiwan.

AND FROM JAPAN...

Japanese cars displayed at a 1997 Tokyo auto show:

• Subaru Gravel Express

• Mazda Bongo Friendee

• Nissan Big Thumb Harmonized Truck

• Suzuki Every Joy Pop Turbo

• Mazda Scrum

• Mitsubishi Delica Space Gear Cruising Active

• Mazda Proceed Marvie

• Daihatsu Town Cube

• Isuzu Giga 20 Light Dump

Kowpis
—a “popular fermented milk drink.”

Homo Sausage
—beef jerky.

Ease Your Bosoms
—coffee marketed as an antidote to stress.

Pokari Sweat
—a sports drink.

Green Piles
—lawn fertilizer.

Hand Maid Queen Aids—
Band-Aid shaped chocolates.

There’s nothing like a good dose of irony to put the problems of day-to-day life in proper perspective.

I
RONIC DEATHS

• “Evan Wheeler, a veteran actress, was playing a death scene in a Baltimore production of
The Drunkard
in November, 1986, when she dropped to the stage and, to tremendous applause, died.” (
Hodgepodge II
)

• “The wife of Claudius I tried to poison her husband with poisonous mushrooms in 54 A.D. Claudius’ doctor tried to make him throw up by tickling his throat with a feather. Claudius choked on the feather and died.” (
Oops
)

• In 1955, actor James Dean made an ad warning teens about driving too fast. (“The life you save may be mine,” he said.) Shortly after, he died when his Porsche Spider, going 86 mph, hit another car.

• In 1871, attorney Clement Vallandigham was demonstrating to a jury that the man his client was accused of shooting could have accidentally done it himself. Vallandigham took out a gun, held it as it was held at the scene of the crime, and pulled the trigger. The gun was loaded; he proved his point.

MUSICAL IRONY

• The man who wrote “Home Sweet Home,” John Howard Payne, “never had a permanent residence.” (
The Book of Lists
)

• “The man who wrote ‘Dixie,’ Dan D. Emmett, was a Northerner. He was born in Ohio and wrote the song in a New York boarding house.” (
The Book of Lists
)

• Joni Mitchell, who wrote “Woodstock,” wasn’t at the Woodstock music festival. She watched it on TV.

• The couple who wrote “Take Me Home Country Roads” had never been to West Virginia. They had only seen pictures of it on postcards a friend sent.

• The men who wrote “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” Albert von
Tilzer and Jack Norworth, had never been to a baseball game.

• “The music that played as President Bush stepped to the podium at the 1992 Republican convention in Houston—following his wife’s speech on family values—was taken from the gay musical
La Cage Aux Folles
.” (
Forbes
)

BITTER IRONY

• The inmates at the prison in Concord, New Hampshire, spend their days making the state’s license plates, which bear the motto LIVE FREE OR DIE.

• “The memorial statue erected in Vienna to the memory of composer Franz Schubert cost more than the luckless genius earned from his work during his lifetime.” (
Oops
)

• “In 1853 John Coffee built the jail in Dundalk, Ireland. He went bankrupt on the project and became the first inmate of his own jail.” (
Not a Good Word About Anybody
)

• “I. N. Terrill, a member of the legislature, wrote the criminal law statutes for Oklahoma...and was the first person convicted under the law for murder.” (
Ripley’s Believe It or Not
)

• “Fernande Olivier lived with Picasso for seven years when she was young and poor. She was not impressed with his paintings, which included many portraits of her that she thought unflattering. In 1912 she moved out and took with her a little heart-shaped mirror as her only memento of the years with her Spanish painter. She never saw Picasso again, and died in poverty in 1966. A few years after her death, a cubist painting of her by Picasso sold for $790,000.” (
Not a Good Word About Anybody
)

PRESIDENTIAL IRONY

• “Ronald Reagan was rejected for the leading role in the 1964 movie
The Best Man
because “he doesn’t look presidential.” (
Not a Good Word About Anybody
)

• The man known as the Father of Our Country, George Washington, may well have been sterile....He fathered no children, and according to experts, suffered from a variety of debilitating diseases, including smallpox, rotten teeth, consumption, amoebic dysentery, pleurisy, malaria, and a genetic impairment called Kinefelter’s syndrome, “which could well have rendered him sterile.”

Feelin’ lucky, punk? Are ya? Then, go ahead...read this stuff from Clint Eastwood.

“In the complications of society as we know it today, sometimes a person who can cut through the bureaucracy and red tape is a hero.”

“I don’t like the idea of anybody getting killed, but especially me. I’m against war, all war.”