Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader (42 page)

S
have a cedar shingle thin.

W
hich wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

A
thin little boy picked six thick thistle sticks.

F
lee from fog to fight flu fast!

T
he bootblack bought the black boot back.

W
e surely shall see the sun shine soon.

M
iss Smith’s fish sauce shop seldom sells shellfish.

W
hich wicked witch wished which wicked wish?

I
slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.

G
ive papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.

I
magine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.

T
he epitome of femininity.

F
red fed Ted bread, and Ted fed Fred bread.

M
any an anemone sees an enemy.

A
ny noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster most.

Number one cause of burglar alarm activation in the U.S.: Owner error. (Burglaries are 7th.)

TWO-TIMING

We recently read a newspaper story about an identical twin who switched places with his brother so that the brother could escape from prison. That got us wondering—how often does this happen? Answer: More often than you might think
.

T
WINS:
Bernic Lee and Breon Alston-Currie, 19, of Durham, North Carolina

BACKGROUND:
In May 2002, both brothers were being held at the Durham County jail. Bernic Lee was awaiting trial for murder, and Breon was being held on an unrelated robbery charge.

TWO-TIMING:
On the day that Breon was scheduled for release, the jail’s computer crashed. The guards, working from a handwritten list of inmates to be released, went to Bernic Lee’s cell and asked him if he was Breon. Bernic Lee said yes. His face matched the photo on the release form (they’re twins, remember) and he gave the right home address, but he didn’t know Breon’s Social Security number. No problem. It’s not uncommon for inmates to not know their own Social Security numbers, so the jailers released him anyway.

WHAT HAPPENED:
Bernic Lee spent about seven hours on the outside, then turned himself back in. He later pled guilty to second-degree murder and was sentenced to 9 to 12 years in prison. County officials never figured out whether Breon played any part in the snafu. “I have no information to believe that,” says the jail’s director, Lt. Col. George Naylor. “I have no information not to believe it, either.”

TWINS:
Carey and David Moore, 27

BACKGROUND:
Both brothers were serving time in the Nebraska State Penitentiary in October 1984.

TWO-TIMING:
One afternoon they met up in a conference room in the prison and switched clothes when nobody was looking. Afterward Carey, posing as David, was released into the prison yard. David, posing as Carey, was escorted back to Carey’s cell. The ruse was exposed when Carey reported for David’s kitchen duty. The kitchen supervisor realized that “David” wasn’t really David and reported the incident to the guards.

Eeeew la la! Every year, over 600 Parisians are hospitalized after slipping on dog poo.

WHAT HAPPENED:
When confronted, the twins admitted the switch. It’s doubtful that it was anything more than a prank, though, and even less likely that the brothers would have kept it up much longer—David was serving 4 to 6 years for burglary; Carey was awaiting execution on death row.

TWINS:
Two 18-year-old twins living in Sweden in December 2004 (Their names were not released to the public.)

BACKGROUND:
One of the brothers was serving a 10-month sentence in the Kronoberg jail for assault and robbery. Then one day the other brother came to visit. The two were indistinguishable, except for a birthmark on the incarcerated twin’s body.

TWO-TIMING:
The brothers were allowed a 45-minute,
unsupervised
visit. Guess what happened! They switched clothes and the one without a birthmark used an ink pen to make a fake one. When the visit ended, the brother who was serving time walked out of the jail and disappeared.

WHAT HAPPENED:
For all we know, the innocent twin might have served the entire 10-month sentence for his brother, were it not for one thing: that night, he panicked at the thought of having to spend a night in jail, called for a guard, and confessed the deception. As of late December, the guilty brother was still loose, and the “innocent” one, temporarily out on bail, was facing the prospect of doing some time of his own. “He thinks he’s going to walk,” Warden Lars Aake Pettersson told reporters. “But that’s probably not going to happen.”

TWINS:
Tony and Terry Litton, 19, of Cardiff, Wales

BACKGROUND:
Tony was about a year into a two-year sentence for burglary when Terry came to visit him at the Cardiff prison in March 1990.

TWO-TIMING:
Somehow, the brothers managed to strip down to their underwear and switch clothes in the middle of a bustling visitors room without attracting the notice of the guards. When the visit was up, Terry went back to Tony’s cell and Tony walked out of the prison with the rest of the visitors.

A word of advice to identical twins: if you and your sibling plan to trade places, don’t have your names tattooed to the backs of your necks. Tony and Terry did; when an inmate noticed that Tony’s now read “Terry,” he alerted a guard. The twins’ dad, Ken Litton, couldn’t figure out why they pulled the stunt, especially since Tony was about to come up for parole anyway. “This time they’ve gone too far,” he told reporters. “The police won’t see the funny side of it.”

Last “witch” burned at the stake in North America: Josefina Arista (Mexico, 1956).

WHAT HAPPENED:
Tony was caught three days later and returned to jail to serve out his
full
sentence (no parole this time), plus extra time for the escape. Terry served some time of his own for helping him. (No word on whether they were allowed to visit each other in prison.)

TWINS:
Ronald and Donald Anderson, 43, of Oxnard, California

BACKGROUND:
In July 1993, “Ronald” checked himself into the county jail and began serving a six-month sentence for assaulting his estranged wife. Four days later he was arrested again, for assaulting his wife a second time. But how could he have done it if he was still in jail?

TWO-TIMING:
Police checked the fingerprints of the man who’d checked himself into jail as Ronald; sure enough, it was Donald. When asked why he was serving his brother’s sentence for him, Donald explained that he was better suited for jail time than Ronald was.

Donald was speaking from experience—it was the
third
time he’d gone to jail for his brother. Years earlier he had served a two-month jail sentence for Ronald in Philadelphia, and when he moved to California he did time in the Ventura County Jail for traffic tickets that Ronald had run up using Donald’s driver’s license. In the 1970s, Donald even shipped off to Korea for Ronald after Ronald joined the Army, and then decided he didn’t want to go.

WHAT HAPPENED:
For the second assault on his wife, Ronald was convicted of spousal battery, attempted murder, and robbery (he stole his wife’s purse) and given the maximum sentence of 14 years in prison. He is now serving time for both of his convictions. Donald got off scot-free—apparently it’s not a crime in Oxnard to do someone else’s time. Today he lives in an apartment across the street from the jail. “If I could take my twin’s place now, I would do it,” he says.

Why so quiet? An Atlas moth has no mouth.

STREET NUMBER NUMEROLOGY

Playing with numerology is kind of like reading your horoscope: even if you don’t believe in it, it’s fun to see what it says. So here’s a way you can have fun with your street address
.

B
Y THE NUMBERS
Numerology is the study of the mystical relationship between numbers, physical objects, and living things. Here’s how it works: start by taking a number that’s associated with you—your street address, for example—and add the digits together. Then repeat the process until you end up with a single digit. If you live at 762 Outhouse Lane, add the digits together to get 7+6+2 = 15. Then add the 1 and the 5 together to get 6. For numerology purposes, your address is a “6.”
Note:
If you live in an apartment, use your apartment number only. Now, calculate
your
numerology address number and then look below to see how it applies to you.

ADDRESSING THE SITUATION

1 
Because it’s the first number, 1 is considered very powerful. It symbolizes independence, ambition, and new beginnings. A 1 address is said to be good for artists, the self-employed, and anyone else who has a home office and expects to do a lot of work there. It’s also good for people with strong egos.

2 
This is a romantic number; 2 addresses are good for young couples (
two
people). Do you live alone in a 2 address? You may feel lonely or depressed; the lack of a second person can be draining. These houses are good places for visitors, parties, and other social gatherings.

3 
Represents creativity, teamwork, and good fortune; 3 addresses are best for artists and people who think differently. This house is upbeat and full of energy, but be warned: it’s also unfocused, so it may not be the best place to set up your home office. Religious people may find it hard to live here, too, as it may be difficult to concentrate on prayer.

Average American household size in 1900: 4.76 people. In 2000: 2.62.

4 
Because 4 is the first number that can be created by multiplying numbers other than 1 and itself, it is a very special number. It’s very solid because the simplest three-dimensional object, a
tetrahedron
, has four sides. (Picture a pyramid with three sides plus a fourth side serving as the base.) A 4 address is very well grounded, which makes it a good place for young families, career-oriented people, and people who place great importance on budgeting and spending money wisely. Artists, writers, and other creative people may find this house too rigid and confining.

5 
This number represents freedom, adventure, intelligence, and unconventional thought. A 5 address can be pretty chaotic, though; if you’re single you may find it easy to attract friends and significant others into your home and heart, but difficult to keep them there. This is a good place to think creatively, but a bad place for narrow-minded or irresponsible people.

6 
This is the most nurturing number of all; as such it’s considered a good address for just about anyone, but especially for families with teenagers (or grown-ups who act like teenagers). The Bathroom Readers’ Institute, by the way, is a 6 address.

7 
Commonly thought of as a lucky number, 7 is also considered a very spiritual number. It’s very conducive to contemplation, study, and prayer, so a 7 address is a good place for students, religious people, and single people. Although if you’re lighthearted or superficial, or tend to “act on a whim” a lot, this may not be the best place for you to live.

8 
Because a figure eight is two loops created by a single line, this number has very strong karma—what goes around comes around. So if you work hard in an 8 address house, you will be more than rewarded for your effort, but conversely, if you lead a lazy, corrupt, or immoral life in this house, expect to get what’s coming to you.

9 
This number inspires creativity, change, and growth. It’s better for single people than families, though, because a 9 address encourages involvement in community groups and social work. But either way, it’s a good number to live in.

To qualify as a hill, a mound of earth must be more than 99 and less than 1,000 feet high.

GETTING PERSONAL

Everybody likes to sneak a peek at the personal ads once in a while. Even when they’re serious, they’re fascinating. And when they’re strange, they’re irresistible
.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

Pussycat, serious, 28
, seeks ugly man with middle-class lifestyle.

Lady Guinevere
/Elizabeth Taylor/Barbara Walters seeks Huckleberry Finn/Richard Dreyfus/Picasso, or any combination of the above.

Recent widow
who has just buried fourth husband is looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Winning smile:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeks dedicated flosser to share corn on the cob and caramel candy.

IF U CN RD THS AD
u cn hav a dat w/me. Bored, attractive secretary late 30s seeks macho executive-type, late 40s, unattached male for long coffee breaks and other diversions. Send resume.

Write in 25 words or less
why you want to date me.