Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader (22 page)

COST:
$12,000

 

LUXURY ITEM:
Crystal-covered paintball gun

EXPLANATION:
The Aurora Nexus Ego is adorned with thousands of tiny crystals, and until recently was the world’s most expensive paintball gun at a cost of $5,000. But in 2009, Planet Eclipse came out with the Argyle Eg09, which is decorated with more than 11,000 much fancier
Swarovski
crystals.

Cost:
$5,001

 

LUXURY ITEM:
Diamond-encrusted USB thumb drives

EXPLANATION:
Thumb drives are popular. They’re also cheap—you can get 2GB of data storage for about $10. So if you lose one, who cares…unless it’s a White Lake USB Stick, which is 14-carat gold-plated and covered in diamonds.

Cost:
$3,500. (If you’re on a budget, you can get it without the diamonds for just $2,800.)

For the past thousand years, the royal families of Europe have routinely intermarried. Why? They did it to create dynasties and to keep the royal wealth within their families. The problem: Over time it can create a genetic nightmare. The poster family for royal inbreeding is the House of Hapsburg. Since the 15th century, the Hapsburgs have intermarried with royal relatives in Spain, Austria, England, Hungary, Bohemia, Greece, Portugal, and Mexico. Somewhere along the line it created a genetic deformity called the “Hapsburg lip,” which then spread through the family tree. This condition, known as
mandibular prognathism
, causes the lower jaw to protrude in front of the upper teeth like a bulldog. Other common Hapsburg traits due to inbreeding: a large misshapen nose, sagging lower eyelids, stunted bodies, and
hydrocephalus
. This genetic disorder, known more commonly as “water on the brain,” makes fluid accumulate in the skull, putting pressure on the brain. It causes mental disabilities, convulsions, and death—symptoms the Hapsburg royals had in abundance.

Two extreme examples:

• In 1793 Emperor Franz II married his double first cousin (they had the same four grandparents) Marie-Therese. Their son, Ferdinand I (1793–1875), was born with a hydrocephalic head, shrunken body and epilepsy. He had the Hapsburg jaw, a tongue too large for his mouth, and only marginal intelligence. One of his favorite pastimes was to wedge his bottom in a wastebasket and roll around the floor in it. Despite that, he reigned as emperor for 18 years.

• In 1649 King Philip IV of Spain married Mariana of Austria… his niece. Their son Charles II (1661–1700) had maladies like those of Ferdinand I except that his tongue was so huge he could hardly eat or talk. He was also impotent, which ended the Hapsburg’s reign in Spain.

The Hapsburgs weren’t the only royal house muddying the gene pool. In 1802, as British essayist Walter Bagehot noted, “every hereditary monarch in Europe was insane.”

• George III of England (1738–1820) was taken to Kew Palace in a straitjacket in 1801 and never seen in public again.

• Queen Maria I of Portugal (1734–1816), whose half-wit husband was also her uncle, liked to dress like a little girl and throw temper tantrums.

• Christian VII of Denmark (1749–1808) ran around the palace smashing furniture and banging his head until it bled.

• Russian Emperor Paul I (1754–1801) may have been a paranoid schizophrenic, and was given to unpredictable behavior: In 1797 he banned shoes with laces, then sent troops into the streets of St. Petersburg with orders to kill anyone violating his edict.

• Ludwig I of Bavaria (1786–1868) was prone to wander the city of Munich in rags carrying a tattered umbrella.

By all accounts Queen Victoria of England (1819–1901) and her husband (and cousin) Prince Albert (1819–1861) had a happy marriage. Together they produced nine children and married them into every royal family in Europe. Unfortunately, one son and two of their five daughters carried a deadly gift from their mother in their genes—
hemophilia
. Hemophiliacs lack the protein that clots blood, making the smallest cut a potential killer. Victoria’s children who carried this defective chromosome passed it on through their children, some of whom passed it onto their children. The disease is believed to be extinct among the remaining European monarchies, but since female descendants can carry the gene without knowing it, it’s possible it’s still out there somewhere.

The current ruling dynasty of England, the House of Windsor, is carrying on the breeding habits of their ancestors. Queen Elizabeth II (1926–) is married to Prince Philip, her second cousin once removed through King Christian IX of Denmark, and her third cousin through Queen Victoria. The beat goes on…

 

THE TURDS.
Each of these English action figures (basically a plastic poo that wears clothes) comes with its own “log book and bowlography.” Some popular characters: “Brave-fart,” “Turdinator Poo,” “Julius Squeezer,” and “Dries Hard.”

 

PEE & POO.
A pair of stuffed plush dolls. One is a brown mound (Poo); the other is shaped like a yellow water droplet (Pee). Both have cute little feet and eyes and “work just as well at potty-training inspiration as they do a cuddly companion.”

 

TOILET MONSTER.
The hands of this rubber toy have suction cups that attach to the inside of the toilet lid, while its gruesome leering face remains in the bowl. “The moment some unsuspecting guest lifts the lid,” says the description, “the toilet monster explodes to scare them out of their wits. Be sure they will think twice before doing their business in your home ever again!” Also available: the motion-activated Toilet Screamer.

 

STINKOR.
Introduced into the
He-Man
universe in 1985, this humanoid-skunk action figure was designed to smell bad (he attacks his foes with foul smells). Though they were made more than 20 years ago, the original Stinkors still stink. Why? When making the molds, the manufacturers added a strong, long-lasting, musky fragrance called patchouli oil, popular with hippies of the 1960s and ’70s (and believed to be an effective insect repellent).

 

THE SPONGEBOB RECTAL THERMOMETER.
One end is shaped like the cartoon character, and the other end…isn’t. It’s designed to add a little fun to an otherwise not-fun activity. It even plays the
SpongeBob SquarePants
theme song.

 

BABY ALIVE LEARNS TO POTTY.
Your toilet-training toddler feeds this animatronic baby doll “green beans,” “banana chunks,” and “juice.” But then Baby Alive must get to her “potty” fast, or she’ll have an “accident” (really) and announce: “I made a stinky!” (A warning on the box reads: “May stain some surfaces.”)

 

Channel:
a narrow body of water that connects two other, larger water- ways. Example: The English Channel connects the North Sea to the Atlantic Ocean.

 

Gully:
an indentation in the land, such as a valley or ravine, worn down by thousands of of flowing water. They often serve as natural drainage after heavy rains.

 

Arroyo:
a gully that flows with water only during the rainy season. Otherwise, it’s dry, and called a gulch.

 

Inlet:
a narrow water passage between two pieces of land.

 

Sound:
a wide inlet from a sea or ocean that runs parallel to a coastline.

 

Fjord:
an inlet (or sound) bordered by tall, steep cliffs.

 

Bay:
a body of water that is surrounded mostly by land and leads out into another, larger body of water.

 

Cove:
a horseshoe-shaped bay.

 

Estuary:
the place where river flows into an ocean.

 

Lakes and Ponds:
Standing bodies of water that feed rivers and creeks, respectively. Lakes are bigger than ponds, but there’s no standard measure-ment for determining the size difference between the two. Many geographers set the area limit of a pond at about 12 acres; anything larger is con-yearssidered a lake. Depth is also a factor—ponds are usually shal-areaslow enough for light to penetrate to the bottom.

 

Sea:
a large lake (fresh or saltwater) that connects to an ocean via an inlet or river.

 

Ocean:
the single body of saltwater that encircles the continents. It is split up into five geographical divisions—the Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, Arctic, and Antarctic.

 

Gulf:
a portion of ocean par-tially enclosed by land. For example, the Gulf of Mexico is part of the Atlantic Ocean, but it is surrounded by parts of Mexico and the U.S.

 

River:
a wide, moving body of fresh (non-salty) water that a flows into an ocean or other large waterway.

“I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side.”

—
David Beckham, when
asked if he was “volatile”

 

“I have two weapons: my legs, my arm, and my brains.”

—
Michael Vick

 

“We’ve got a good squad and we’re going to cut our cloth accordingly. But I think the cloth we’ve got could make some good soup, if that makes any sense.”

—
Ian Holloway, soccer coach

 

“We’re starting to show spurts of consistency.”

—
Jamaal Magloire, NBA player

 

“Don’t say I don’t get along with my teammates. I just don’t get along with some of the guys on the team.”

—
Terrell Owens

 

“Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is ten, or something.”

—
Dennis Rodman

 

“Soccer is like chess but without dice.”—

Lukas Podolski, soccer player
,

 

“It’s a humbling thing being humble.”

 

“I found a delivery in my flaw.”

—
Dan Quisenberry, pitcher

 

“I’m the Rocky of Philadelphia.”

—
Bernard Hopkins, boxer

 

“I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that.”

—
Jerry Rice

 

“The pain is very painful.”

—
Ze Maria, soccer player

 

“When a fielder gets the pitcher into trouble, the pitcher has to pitch himself out of the slump he isn’t in.”

—
Casey Stengel

“Strength is my biggest weakness.”

—
Mark Snow, college basketball player

In his youth, Pilates (pronounced pa-lah-dees) suffered from asthma, rickets, and arthritis. He wanted to be fit, so he took up a regimen of bodybuilding, gymnastics, yoga, calisthenics, and weight training. In 1912 the 32-year-old German moved to England, where he worked as a physical trainer for Scotland Yard, and later refined his exercise program, calling it
Contrology
. He focused on strengthening the “core muscles,” mostly the abdomen, through slowly stretching and holding muscles in place while sitting on a mat. Pilates realized that most people weren’t strong enough to do that, so he developed machines that worked the core muscles through resistance training—weights on pull cords. He opened a studio in New York City in 1925, attracting famous dancers such as George Balanchine and Martha Graham as clients. When Pilates died at age 87 in 1967, a handful of his students opened their own studios specializing in what they now called
pilates.
Ron Fletcher’s Beverly Hills studio led directly to the current popularity of pilates. Today, more than 10 million Americans are adherents.

After graduating from Stanford University in 1937, Mondavi settled in the nearby Napa Valley. Convinced that the region was the future of winemaking, he talked his father, who owned a fruit packing company, into buying the struggling Charles Krug Winery. Mondavi turned it around and ran it at a profit for nearly 30 years. In 1965 he and his brother Peter got into an argument about the direction of the business. It escalated into a fist fight, and Robert was forced out of the company. So he started his own winery a few miles down the road in Oakville, California, where he created wines popular with average consumers and critics alike. As Mondavi’s winemaking empire grew, he introduced both high-end brands and affordable ones, such as Woodbridge. Other contributions: He introduced the concept of naming wines by their grape, such as Zinfandel or Sauvignon Blanc, into the United
States, and he promoted the California wine industry, helping to turn it from a group of small businesses into a billion-dollar industry that could compete in quality with European winemakers…or even surpass them. In 1997 Grand European Jury Wine Tasting (the most prestigious wine contest in the world) a panel of judges blind-tasted 27 Chardonnays, most of them from France. The winner: Mondavi’s Chardonnay Reserve, the first American wine ever to win the Grand European.