Two Steps Back (7 page)

No matter how wonderful he treated her now, Jaylah was
uncertain if they could recover from their beginning, from his lie. He had purposely let her fall for him, wooing her with his impeccable charm and the promise of coupledom, knowing full well he had already promised Fiona forever.

Just a few months ago she floated through London feeling like she
’d struck the lotto. After years of hating her life she finally had it all—dream job, new best friend, and a man who adored her. That afternoon in Brick Lane had felt like confirmation that everything she’d gone through—every shitty assignment, run-in with her mother, every asshole she’d dated—had prepared her for that moment. All of her troubles had made getting what she wanted feel that much sweeter.

Jaylah’s
life was going so ridiculously well that she could hardly believe it when she overheard a man ask Johnny about his wife. And instead of correcting him, Johnny had calmly told the man about Fiona’s trip to Scotland and promised they’d all get together once she returned.

His wife?
Johnny was married?
she thought as she listened to their conversation that day.

Her brain couldn’t
comprehend it, and the entire idea seemed down right asinine, until she watched his face collapse in on itself when she confronted him. Then she knew.

Johnny was not only married, but he was a liar. And how could they recover from that?

The question made her nauseous. Jaylah glanced around for a restroom, already feeling the bile inch its way up her throat. She asked the clerk to point her to the ladies’ room, and raced downstairs to release the contents of her stomach.

Jaylah barely made it to the stall.
She felt like someone had taken out her stomach and shaken everything free. She heaved up chunks of shrimp, and salad, and ice cream from her afternoon meal and her body continued to retch until Jaylah felt like she had been completely wrung out.

She waited for a few moments to catch her breath, and to make sure nothing else would come spewing forth, before heading to the sink to wash her hands and splash water on her face. While
she scooped up handfuls of the cool liquid to rinse out her mouth, Jaylah heard a voice.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?”
an elderly woman asked, lines of concern creasing her face.

Jaylah nodded, then shrugged her shou
lders, offering an apology. “Yeah, sorry. Morning sickness.”

The woman’s face softened into a smile.
“Oh! How far along?”

“
About nine weeks. Feels like nine years already,” Jaylah said, trying to mirror the woman’s smile, but she was too spent.

“Hang in there, sweetie. You’re almost past the worst part,” the woman said before patting Jaylah on the back and walking
out the door.

Although she knew the woman was talking about her morning sickness, Jaylah hoped
she was right. She hoped the worst part of her relationship with Johnny, his lie and her unwillingness to completely trust him, was over and they could move on with their lives.

But she wasn’t convinced; and it was killing her.

Eleven

When she was
eight, Jaylah’s mother spotted her stuffing a handful of salt water taffy chews in her pocket during a trip to the grocery store. As they moved through the aisles, Mrs. Baldwin eyed her daughter to see if her conscience would kick in before they left, but when it was apparent Jaylah planned on walking out without paying for the candy her mother stepped in.

“Jay Jay,” Mrs. Baldwin said, “What’s in your pocket?”

“Nothing, mama,” Jaylah said instinctively, unaware her mother saw her swipe the treats.

Mrs. Baldwin put her hands on her hips, then crouched down to meet her daughter’s eyes. “Are you sure? Because it looks like there’s something in that one,” she said pointing to Jaylah’s right pocket.

Jaylah’s eyes grew wide, but she stuck to her story. “It’s just…” She stared at her mother’s stoic face, “It’s just some lint, mama.”

“Hmph,” Mrs. Bald
win said, crossing her arms. “It looks like something’s in your pocket, sweetie. But since you say it’s not,” Mrs. Baldwin hunched her shoulders and stood up, “okay.”

Jaylah remembered
feeling like she was going to explode, the air in her lungs exacting pressure on her little chest because breathing might give her away. Then it happened, her mother said something that rocked her eight-year-old self to the core.

“I’m so glad yo
u know better than to lie to me,” she said, putting her groceries on the checkout belt like everything was normal. “Lies are always worse than the truth, Jay Jay. And liars?” Jaylah’s mom kissed her teeth and shook her head in disgust, “liars are the worst kind of people; you can’t trust them. And if you can’t trust them,” she turned to look at her daughter, “how can you love them?”

The thought of losing her mother’s love sent a chill from her pigtails to her
L.A. Gear sneakers. Suddenly her school cardigan felt like it was made of itchy wool, and her plaid romper felt two sizes too small.

Although Jaylah was
a tomboy who preferred jeans over dresses, she still wanted to be just like her mother. Graceful, petite, and strikingly beautiful. Somehow all of Sarah’s genes had skipped right over her daughter and scattered into her cousins who looked more like they belonged to Mrs. Baldwin than Jaylah did.

For starters, Mrs. Baldwin was a
red bone, at least that’s what Jaylah’s dad had called her on one of their vacations to Florida. It happened because Mrs. Baldwin insisted on lying by the pool, “To get some color back in my cheeks,” she’d said, but her husband had his doubts.

“C’mon
Sarah, you know you a red bone. That’s about all the color you’re gonna get. You better get under an umbrella before you mess around and get burnt!”
he said, chuckling to himself.

Hearing her father’s advice, Jaylah had stayed under an umbrella or a
cabana or on in the shadow of a balcony all weekend until her father asked why she wasn’t doing belly flops in the pool.

“I don’t wanna get burnt,” she said, looking into the mirror that was her father’s face, “like mama.”

Jaylah’s father brushed off her worries. “Your mama’s a red bone baby girl…”

“So am I daddy,” she interrupted, “I’m just like mama.”

“Nawl, sweetie, you’re like me, you know, the color of the earth. We can stay out in the sun as much as we want. Now go on, enjoy yourself, baby girl.”

The idea that Jaylah was not like her mother did not make sense to her little girl
brain.

How could she
not
be like her mother? The thought made her panic and seek out Mrs. Baldwin’s approval at every turn. So the incident in the grocery store had seemed significantly riskier after her mother’s soul-stirring tidbit about trust and love.

Jaylah did not want her mother to think she was a liar because they were already so
unlike one another—different faces, different eyes, different skin—

she couldn’t bear
losing her mother’s love as well.

When Mrs. Baldwin finished loading all of her groceries on the belt, Jaylah reached in her pocket and pulled out the candies.

“Sorry mama.” She held them out to her mother, her eyes on the verge of tears.

Mrs. Baldwin plucked two candies from Jaylah’s hand and tol
d the cashier to ring them up, before sliding them in her purse. When they were done loading the groceries into the car, Mrs. Baldwin took out the taffy chews and gave one to Jaylah.

“Remember what I said, Jay Jay. Liars are the worse kind of people because you can’t trust them. And if you
can’t trust them…” she paused.

“You can’t love them,” Jaylah said on cue.

“Exactly, Jay Jay. Exactly.”

Mrs. Baldwin’s words flashed through Jaylah’s mind as she made her way back to the men’s department to find Johnny.

Liars are the worst kind of people. You can’t love them.

Johnny had lied to her about his wife, but there was no doubt in her mind that she loved him.

But was she supposed to?

The thought fluttered through her brain, but when she saw
him standing in front of a three-way mirror wearing a navy blue suit that hugged his body so well she was almost jealous, she forced it out of her mind.

“
You look good,” she said, bushing an imaginary a piece of lint from his shoulder. “
Really
good.”

He turned t
o face her, already smiling, but his expression changed when he looked into her eyes. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. Just a little tired,” she said,
sweeping aside his concern. But the truth was that scene in the bathroom had tuckered her out and all Jaylah wanted to do at that very moment was lie down, watch TV, and eat copious amounts of chocolate.

“But your eyes are red and you look a little…”

Jaylah waved him off as if he were imagining things. “I’m fine. I just need to grab a quick snack.”

“Already?
My boy is going to be strong!”

She rolled her eyes.
“Whatever. My stomach is a bit unsettled, that’s all.”

He looked in her eyes again and
seemed to examine her face for clues. “Still? Did you…”

“A little, but I’m fine, I just need…”

“What’s a little? Did anything stay down?”

She didn’t answer.
Jaylah knew if she told him that
everything
she’d eaten had come roaring back up her esophagus he would overreact. And that wouldn’t help either of them.

“Forget the suit,”
Johnny said, removing the jacket and leading her to a nearby seat. “Let’s go back to the hotel so you can get some rest.”

“I’m fine, babe
. I’ll sit here while you try on the rest of them. I’ll be okay. Promise.”

He hesitated, seeming to run her words through his head before he spoke. “
No need. I think I’m done anyway. This is my favorite of the lot.”

“You sure? You’re not just saying that because you’re trying to rush are you?”

He cracked a wide grin. “Look at me, babes.” Johnny spun around like a spokesmodel, “I look like a boss, innit?”

Jaylah grinned in spite of herself. Johnny
did
look damn good. The jacket showed off his broad shoulders and tapered waist, and the pants skimmed his legs but didn’t hug them. He looked like a sable-skinned James Bond and would certainly show her bourgie mother that he had his shit together and could afford to take care of her daughter.

Johnny leaned
down and tilted Jaylah’s chin up so he could meet her lips. “Be right back.”

He disappeared into the dressing room once again, but Jaylah only briefly reclined and closed her eyes for a few short minutes before he returned.

“That was fast,” she said when she saw him walking toward her. Johnny held out his hand and she took it, then walked with him to pay for the suit.

The sales clerk was all smiles now, no doubt bolstered by the prospect of a fat commission.
In addition to the suit, Johnny had picked out a crisp white shirt and striking red tie. The total made Jaylah woozy.  $2476.43.

Jaylah could
probably live on that amount for over a month and a half, easily paying her rent, keeping herself fed, and even buying a pair of earrings or a blouse at one of the Portobello Road Markets. But for Johnny it was nothing at all, just another garment he would wear to close the deal and secure Jaylah for himself.

They strolled hand-in-hand out of the men’s department, th
rough the store, and to a café near the store. Johnny insisted Jaylah eat before attempting the drive back to the hotel, so she took him to one of her favorite Italian delis in Beverly Hills.

Every time Jaylah had been to
Ferrarini she could never decide what to order. The glass vitrines were filled with colorful deserts, buttery pastries, and some of the freshest meats in the city. There were so many choices it would sometimes take Jaylah fifteen full minutes to decide what she wanted.

Johnny waited as she scanned the menu,
tempted to order one of everything and take it back to the hotel.

“Can I help you, miss?”
The dark-haired barista smiled at her from across the counter, and Jaylah considered flirting with the stranger
.

“Coffe
e. I want coffee,” she said, enticed by the robust aromas percolating just behind the handsome man.

“What kind of coffee, miss? We have Americanos, cappuccinos,
espressos, an Ethiopian blend that’s really good…”

Jaylah was about to place her order, but Johnny
interrupted. “No coffee. She can’t have any right now.” Jaylah made a face, like,
what are talking about, fool?
But he was unmoved. “The baby, remember? I read caffeine isn’t good for the baby.”

“You read what?” she said, irritated he was vetoing her chance at a cup of Joe. First her mother
had admonished her for wanting some, running down a list of things she could no longer enjoy if she wanted to birth a healthy baby, now Johnny was picking up where Mrs. Baldwin left off and was being a food Nazi too?

Jaylah groaned her displeasure.
“Johnny, one cup won’t hurt. It’s no like I’m going to drink a whole pot of the stuff.”

 
He shook his head. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, especially with the morning sickness. You already vomited up everything you ate, you really want to press your luck?”

“Not
everything
.” Jaylah stared at Johnny and he cocked an eyebrow, indicating he wasn’t falling for her bullshit. “Fine,” she gave in.

Jaylah
turned her attention to the barista who pretended not to witness the couple’s brief spat. “Can I have a peppermint tea and a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich?”

“
Sure! And you, sir?”

“Two chocolate croissants and a bottle of water.”

It was Jaylah’s turn to raise her ‘brow. “
Two
?”

Johnny let a smirk dance across his lips. “I know you.”

Even though she was peeved he’d put the kibosh on her chance at a cup of coffee, the truth was, he
did
know her—well. Chocolate was one of her biggest weaknesses, and she knew he was using the promise of a pastry as an apology of sorts. She couldn’t have coffee, but as long as he didn’t try to cut off her chocolate, she just might make it through this pregnancy.

They grabbed a seat
facing Burton Way and waited for their food to arrive.

“You know, pregnant women have coffee all the time, right?
It’s not even considered bad anymore.”

“I’m not concerned about
pregnant women
,” he said, stroking the back of her hand with his fingers. “I’m concerned about you. I just want you to be okay. I already lost one baby, Jaylah, and I don’t want to go through that again.”

Oh shit
, Jaylah remembered.
Fiona
had lost their child.

Her
pregnancy was the reason they’d finally decided to wed after years of being together. “I had to do the right thing,” he’d told her one night while they lay in bed. “What kind of man would I be if I didn’t?”

Jaylah wondered if the baby had survived if she’d been sitting with
Johnny now. Would he have even let them happen? Or would he have neglected to call after the night they met and made out in his car?

A sickening thought
crawled down her spine and caused her to shudder.
What would happen if I lost this baby?

She hated to ask, hated to even think about their relationship coming to an end, or the amorphous blob she’d suddenly grown attached to not making it into the world, but she had to know. She couldn’t leave anything up to chance.

“What if something
did
happen to the baby, Johnny?” she asked, staring out the window trying not to look at him. “Would you leave me too?