Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less (5 page)

Every time I see Nancy Grace on TV I imagine that somewhere there is a real journalist locked in a broom closet weeping.

shellen

My ideal hybrid: Naomi Chomsky

ttseco

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. Damn it, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten so much sash.

shuffshuff

Giraffes are kinda like periscopes for themselves.

sippymccloy

Levi Johnston on “Tyra” is the best thing anyone has ever done, including the Sistine Chapel.

BorowitzReport

Don’t say “y’all” when what you mean is “youse guys.”

munki

“We’re sorry; the new Facebook is back up.”

busterkeaton

When the wife comes to you and says, “I think my water broke,” just look at her calmly and say, “That’s OK, we’ll get you another one.”

Robsama

God, I just LOVE the feeling of my teeth after falling asleep with a cough drop in my mouth. Like little tube socks on each and every one.

califmom

Was excited to see the “Concert Tickets” link in iTunes until it took me to TicketMaster. The Internet equivalent of candy and a rape van.

kyleridolfo

Safest way to run w/ scissors: one in each hand, the pointy ends directly in front of your eyeballs, so you can always see where they are.

sfslim

Synopsis for “Twilight”: “And then, like, vampires.”
giromide

Business in the front, party in the back, and floor hockey on the weekends.

grrrrbark

With all the sand my son brings home in his shoes, I think the preschoolers are working on a tunnel like in “The Great Escape.”

jackholt

The normal side of me says, “Just let it go.” But the frosted side…

NikolHasler

Business slow at Heritage Foundation’s AynRandLand, where you build and operate your own damn ride or there is no ride.

pourmecoffee

I have a cold. It makes my voice sound like a sexy pirate.

joelmchale

I’m pretty sure the guy I just saw in my building is meant to be my next ex-boyfriend. He already looked so sad about our breakup.

ungraceful

Every time I turn a thousand pages to the back of “Infinite Jest,” I half expect the little footnote to read, simply, “Sorry.”

lianamaeby

I want to see Apple put out a Christmas MacBook made of white chocolate just so I can hear you nerds defend it.

_why

I have almost taught my dog to respond to the command “Reconsider your lifestyle.”

anildash

When I play a game that allows you to choose between male and female avatars I always pick the girl. Then it’s not my fault when I lose.

rossp832

Ladies, here’s the deal. I have stars. You have tweets. You show your tweets, you get a star, okay? So, if you want to get back at daddy…

ayeshamus

Michael Jackson is 50 today. Now his face is too old to date his nose in all societies.

awryone

Just received my first McDonald’s Monopoly pieces. If I can get Oriental Avenue, I’ll win diabetes.

gordonshumway

H
EY, BE CAREFUL WITH THAT,
J
ESUS HAS A PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE WHO DON’T TAKE
H
IM SERIOUSLY.
T
HEY MAKE
H
IM A LITTLE
cross.

FarkerPeaceboy

My new Chicago mantra is “It’s another gorgeous day inside!”

dickc

Maybe I’m tempting fate. I’m moving on Fri. the 13th. Also picking up my new car today, and driving it to Crystal Lake for premarital sex.

toddlevin

Nothing like televised magic to take the magic out of television.

gshellen

I don’t like bloody marys. Everyone says, “*My* bloody marys are different. You’ll like *my* bloody marys.” Is this how lesbians feel?

eliashiebert

Atheism predates any religion by about 14 billion years.

bjornkri

I think the proof there is intelligent life on other planets is the fact they’ve obviously chosen not to contact us.

willdurst

Mom: “My biggest regret was not being able to breast-feed you. You just didn’t want my boob!” I guess that should’ve been a hint.

savorygreatness

Staring at a lip gloss color called Flesh Light. Not sure if I should buy it or go down on it.

suddenlybruisin

Thank you, Pizza Hut, for the world’s most dilapidated $1 bill. I hope you will be serving me some Purell with this.

whitewhines

“When you die, can I have your stuff?” “You are my stuff.”

abigvictory

Ending a mini vacation with a terrible cold. How bad? The stuff I just coughed out reminded me to add “Ghostbusters” to my Netflix queue.

rafitorres

5yo keeps singing, “I kissed a squirrel and I liked it. I hope I don’t get rabies.” I hope he doesn’t grow up to be a furry.

YummyCupcakes

Buenos Aires traffic is like the tango—everyone’s moving really fast and somehow, miraculously, no one gets kicked in the nuts.

teeveedub

When I fake-type on my desk and feel like I’ve made a fake-typo, I fake-backspace to correct it. This is my life.

kurtw

The next Bond title already causing controversy. “Pissypants Fingerbang.”

Glinner

My new favorite thing in the world is when a kind Internet stranger mails me COOKIES!!! Yay! I’m returning the favor and mailing you a cat!

crispycracka

So distracted, can’t work…am actually clicking on ads. I might have just mortgaged my wife for a free BlackBerry.

toddadamson

Was “Tom & Jerry Kids” really necessary? Was the original’s dry, too-academic humor flying over anyone’s head?

nevenmrgan

I appreciate that modern medicine gives us the option of penicillin instead of sending the boy to the seaside and burning all of his toys.

cjereneta

Found birth control pills and ten dollars in my dog’s bed. Makes me wonder if he’s running a small prostitution ring.

kellyjay7

When people pick their “5 people living or dead to have dinner with,” don’t they worry they’ll be the most boring person at the meal?

michaelianblack

Wit, n.: the delicate art of subtly steering a conversation in the direction of the hilarious pun you came up with three weeks ago.

dwineman

When I put sea salt on fish, I wonder if they may already know each other.

phillygirl

I’m to the point now where I could make the kids’ lunches in my sleep. And judging by this peanut butter and ham sandwich, I just did.

stevewhitaker

I am 40, which of course is the new 17, 17 now being the new fetal alcohol syndrome.

chrisstrouth

If I had kids, they wouldn’t know that batteries could be replaced until their teens.

shaggerty

If the medical profession really wanted to be dicks, they’d add a new letter to ADHD every year.

sween

I’ve yet to see a pair of boots that *weren’t* made for walking.

secretsquirrel

The Olympics closing ceremony looks like someone gave Björk an unlimited budget and a countryful of glow sticks and said, “Choreograph!”

moonlet

Secretary pulling the ole “my alarm didn’t go off” late routine. Wonder if she’ll dig my “your bonus got lost in the mail.”

jakepotter

I realized tonight that a Framboise Lambic is what it’d taste like if they made alcoholic Nerds. Next thought was “Oh, that’s what *I* am.”

jasonpermenter

Tonight’s edition of supermarket pickup lines: “What kind of apples are those?” The kind who have boyfriends.

echuckles

Around 3 a.m. I get an email from “a nice girl that would like to chat + pics.” Poor girl can’t afford a domain and uses only IP addresses.

kevinrose

It’s my third day on nothing but bread and watery soup. Which makes this illness one unjust verdict short of a 19th-century French prison.

elizabethlittle

Doctor says I only *sprained* my pride. He advised me to stay off it for 3 to 4 days, but I’m sure it will be fine tomorrow.

tj

I’d love to see a fight between William of Ockham and Rube Goldberg.

sitemost

Even cancer likes boobs.

benmarvin

Attention inventors: Computers need faces. Nice, big, stabbable faces.

rrsotomayor

I will follow you into the sunset, in hopes you catch on fire and I get to watch.

drunkstepfather

Come on, you’re canceling my gym membership for that? What about all those times I tickled him while he was bench-pressing & he didn’t die?

melissasantos

Want to know how I can monetize all of this populist outrage.

BorowitzReport

His voice had a certain kind of resonance. It helped define him. So when his kid kicked him in the groin, he didn’t know who he was anymore.

arjunbasu

Everyone thinks it’s so cute when a cat gets on a piano, but eventually it’s like, okay, we get it. You like Supertramp. Give it a rest!

Zaius13

I just got a new high score at Dishwasher Tetris!

d_g_

Pirate first aid: If the wound is smaller than your fist, drink rum. If it’s bigger than your fist, stuff a parrot in it.

PirateParenting

When I’m whistling and someone spontaneously joins in I react as if they’re helping me at the urinal.

iancorey

Overhearing young New Yorkers on a bad first date (boredly trading exotic travel plans) is like listening to purebred puppies whine.

anamariecox

Wanna know how far I have lowered the bar? 3 people have asked me what the special occasion is, because my shirt is tucked in.

Wallaceh

I just drank some scotch to take the edge off only to discover it was all edge.

ed_x

Heather Locklear looks better in her mug shot than any other photo. I guess that shows that I’m looking for things she isn’t.

pennjillette

This is one of those weeks between “HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?” and “COLD ENOUGH FOR YA?” when no one in Chicago has anything to say.

phyllisstein

Not all TV shows need a holiday episode. For example, take “Law & Order: Christmas Special Victims Unit.”

tehawesome

Does anyone else Twitter faster toward the end of the post to see if you can somehow fit more than the allotted characters in? It never work

Jim Jeroo

My VW Beetle can’t deliver when I want a “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY” honk. It’s all, “Hi! Let’s get a latte after you move just a smidge!”

wryredhead

My idea of a trust exercise is not constantly topping off my phone battery.

rstevens

Found my 6th grade diary. Tragic or funny to see heart dotted i’s in “suicidal”?

NikolHasler

Lady. Say “You’re welcome a lot” in response to my “thanks a lot” one more time, and we’re gonna be in the newspaper tomorrow.

beep

How delicate, how fleeting our hold on nuance and subtlety, on the conversation that stirs our hearts and minds, when my butt itches.

texburgher

Sometimes I like to imagine that my BlackBerry shoots lasers.

joshu

What’s that, Dreamy TA? Your wife is an engineer too? Is she one of those engineers that DON’T EXIST CUZ I LIVE IN A FANTASY WORLD LALALA?

omgneil

Hemingway: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Me in high school: “Twelve-pack of condoms, never used.”

zuhl

Paris is the Paris of things that other things are the thing of.

dwineman

If you’re bisexual, naturally, people ask about your relationship status like you’re pregnant. Boy or girl? Hopefully once, you say twins.

jomoto

Who are all the cab drivers talking to on the phone all the time? Other cab drivers?