Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less (3 page)

I’m see-through. And my top is drunk.

printartist

If “fourthmeal” is the meal between dinner & breakfast, what is it called when you eat a kitten?

MissRFTC

The “J” on the neighbors’ light-up “JOY” decoration just burnt out. A multifaith family, perhaps?

emilybrianna

I still stalk you. I’m just not in stalk with you.

bnlandry

Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.

thepeoplegeek

I didn’t get where I am today by explaining things to retards, so either pick a dipping sauce or have your baby shower at another Chili’s.

fireland

Leno criticized Twitter for having a permanent record of anything you’ve ever said. Sounds almost as horrible as taping yourself every day.

danielleu

Hail making scratching sounds on the windows. I told the kids snowmen were trying to get into the house. Sleep tight, kids.

badbanana

I used to complain that I had no shoes, until I met a man who threw his shoes at the president, and then I REALLY wanted shoes.

ahtitan

My mechanic just told me I could pick my car up at 5 p.m. and that they “might be having a few beers there after work.” OMG is this a date?!

KatyDidSays

My personality test results came back. They’re negative.

redrabbit

In suburbia, my friends say I’m one of the funniest people they’ve ever met. In Brooklyn, I’m just a guy without a beard.

hisnamesLen

Kudos to the Gitmo job-skills program: Those guys find work as soon as they get out.

Ryan_Durham

The baggage carousel sounds a lot more fun than it actually is.

ingridmusic

You can have my BK Cheesy Sausage Wrap when you pry it from my stiff, inflamed, gout-riddled fingers. Just take it.

sloganeerist

Razor ads for men: YEAH! You’re a man! Scraping metal across your jugular! Laugh in death’s face! Razor ads for women: Tee-hee! It’s PINK!

seanhussey

Have you ever noticed that Trader Ming and Trader Joe are never in the same room at the same time?

Cockerham

“Were you exposed to livestock recently?” she asked. “Why?” I replied. “What lies have they told you?” Doctors don’t think I’m funny either.

trelvix

A haiku is like

A poem with OCD

Now go check the stove

3hoss

At a cemetery, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself.

toddlevin

I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by peeling out after hitting that Pinto!

kyleridolfo

That bath bomb I got as a gift was filled with GLITTER. There’s got to be a less messy way to turn someone gay.

shoesonwrong

It will be a sad day in Mudville when Frankie Muniz decides he wants to be called “Frank.”

busterkeaton

Michigan, the Fail-Me State

giromide

Wearing a shirt that can best be described as “lieutenant in whatever army Coldplay has started.”

shellen

Using a Q-Tip for the first time in a week must have been what Madonna was singing about in Like a Virgin.

jkottke

Uncertain times call for uncertain leadership and thankfully Congress is contributing more than its share.

willdurst

Wait. “Vagabond” means nomad? I always thought it was some kind of vaginal adhesive.

Zaius13

Holy shit! I wasn’t just in a plane crash!

bobstaake

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Lilykily

Marble statues with a single exposed breast are the power ballads of the 1880s: every “serious artist” did one but some made a career of it.

spytap

Meth may cause “paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, which may trigger a tension headache.” Jesus, not a tension headache.

rsmallbone

All the animals are on board and accounted for, Noah, but I’ve got bad news. The unicorns are gay.

McBonerPants

Pigs in blankets!? I never sausage a thing.

antichrista

To stimulate the economy, first we must find its G-spot.

tehawesome

My phone’s predictive text just suggested “bullshit” at the end of a Valentine’s text. I think it was jilted by a Nokia.

adrianadeleo

ShamWow: Beware of imitators, like the ShamMeh.

most_impressive

I wish someone would invent a smell-yourself device. That’s all.

AprilSTL

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name, too. Whenever I go out, the people always shout, “Hey…guy.”

pagecrusher

You’re more than welcome, homeless gent. However, I have to believe if you had the power to make God bless anyone, well, you’d have a home.

PBones

Discovered today that Costco sells caskets. For $799 my bachelor pad just got a bit more interesting.

snc

I like to give blood before binge-drinking to ensure maximum partying!

Ryaneustace

Jehovah’s Witnesses came by today. Nice people. A little…“churchy.”

HotAmishChick

Ran out of deodorant midway, so one arm is Shower Fresh, the other is Eastern Lily. This has the makings of a wild day.

phillygirl

Sometimes I worry I’m one of those people from the black & white parts of infomercials whose lives are held hostage by things like pockets.

luckyshirt

I propose every American get one free killing. We’d all be nicer to each other because you’d never know if someone had used theirs up.

smartgoat

I’m not exactly one to bring the funk, but perhaps I shall rent the funk for the day.

jackholt

OK. If you were my ambition and career goals, where would you be hiding?

glessner

James Brown didn’t write lyrics. He wrote commands and instructions.

riebschlager

My haircut went from “cool” to “Christian golfer” a lot faster this time.

scottsimpson

I took the “Which meme are you?” quiz and the result is: The One Where You Photoshop Something or Whatever.

jasonpermenter

There is no ill that great sex can’t cure. Except nymphomania. Then I guess you’re fucked.

mayjah

When your feelings are best described by a Jewel song, it’s probably time to hide the cutlery.

srslainey

Dear incredibly hot gym instructor: Thanks for wearing a Brokeback Mountain T today so I can finally stop shamelessly flirting with no ROI.

echuckles

Ratio of boys to girls at the Disneyland princess coronation—1:300. That’s my Quinn.

tempo

My daughter is eating vegetarian chicken nuggets. I’ll bet chickens gathered outside the lab that developed that food.
“How’s it coming?”

paulapoundstone

Wearing new navy-and-white-striped sweater, feeling like some kind of nautical bumblebee.

sh

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from witchcraft and should be burnt.

yoz

I got an extra two years just because I laughed every time the judge said penal.

Juniorwad

Legless man screaming: “I gave half my body in ’Nam & nobody will even give me a dollar.” Gave him leftover Vietnamese food. Kind or cruel?

jonathangrubb

Kool-Aid Man probably felt like a total prick when he busted through that hut wall in Jonestown.

TBMimsTheThird

We’ve now been in our house for a week and love it. I’m going to cherish every moment between now and foreclosure.

essdogg

The baby just saw me naked. Now she knows where she got her thighs.

AuntMarvel

In the biggest Wal-Mart of my life. There’s *weather* in here.

cleversimon

Acupuncture works. How many sick porcupines have you seen?

thedolittlevet

We drink coffee here like it’s going out of style. When it does go out of style, I guess we’ll drink it ironically.

johntunger

I was really impressed by Bush’s farewell speech. He should have delivered that YEARS ago.

cockerham

Jim pointed to my 5-month-old nephew and sassily promised, “With three minutes of concerted effort, we could have one of those too.”

CcSteff

When I tell people that I am a cat person, I feel like a little part of them is let down that I am not a cat-human hybrid.

LILWAYNESWORLD

Even Hemingway was a Hemingway impersonator.

mollycrabapple

Why did Donkey Kong even bother throwing barrels? Why not let Mario get up to his level and then just beat the shit out of him?

samhey

I cannot WAIT until the final episode of “ER,” when the entire city develops rabies, a T. rex invades, and Clooney blows up the hospital.

emzbulletproof

Either that chick was anorexic or the coatrack just got up & walked out of the room.

kariedwards

I just wish there was a way to *monitor* Christian Science.

aedison

Eating Doritos while copying out my new weights routine, I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma dusted in florescent-orange fake cheese powder.

jaimealyse

How awkward will this be on a scale of one to threeway?

jacobbijani

Does Jack Kevorkian deliver?

alegna24

Took Myers-Briggs for first time in 5 years. Went from INTJ to ENTJ. Basically I’m still an overthinking douche, but I talk to people now.

homerdash

Just explained Twitter to my friend Bill. I don’t think I did it right, as he’s excited to sign up.

ryanmumm

Anthropologie: The official wardrobe of Audrey Hepburn fanfic writers everwhere.

SeoulBrother

I respect your right to express your opinion as long as you respect my right to slowly lose interest in whatever it is you’re talking about.

apelad

Ever since my brother pointed out its double meaning, the children’s store downstairs, “Hey, Diddle Diddle,” has made me uneasy.

camh

Harry Potter and the Fact That 3 Students Always Have to Save the School Is a Scathing Indictment of the Tenure System.

Moltz

You answer the phone, sure it’s your significant other. It’s a salesman. The French call that split second of intimacy “the little rape.”

ckwinny

“What’s your favorite mid-range dessert wine to pair with fruit?” Boy, these password questions are getting tricky.

jdickerson

The worst thing about being an atheist is that you’ll never get to say, “I told you so.”

mandyjwatson

BILLY MAYS IS LIKE CAPS LOCK IN REAL LIFE.

Rayke

As if there weren’t enough horrors in Nazi Germany, they were but a keystroke away from exposure to Hogan’s Herpes.

rommiej

I spend the day leaving scraps of paper with celebrities’ names and long numbers near different banks around the city, and I feel at peace.

midnightstories

The greatest gift you can give a child is time. Just kidding, it’s probably some Pokémon shit.

johnmoe

Just bought three knives and a coffee grinder. I can’t wait to see what movies Amazon recommends to me next.