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Authors: Damian McNicholl

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“I didn’t have an attitude.”

“You looked disgusted.”

It crossed his mind she’d been too busy nibbling on her girlfriend’s ear to have noticed his reaction. “You misread.”

“Why’d you go to your room so quickly?”

He hesitated. “Okay, I was confused.”

“About?”

Her absurd question rendered him momentarily speechless. “One day you urgently need the morning after pill, the next you’re with a woman. That’s confusing.”

“I like men and women. What’s so confusing?”

“Well, I don’t like men that way.”

“It’s not contagious.”

There was a flash of rust-red as a robin landed on the window ledge. It cocked its head and peered in with shiny, beady eyes.

“I was also shocked. Now please don’t take offence… and I don’t think it’s a sin like I was brought up to believe as a Catholic. It’s just I don’t
really understand homosexuality. I don’t understand why Clive is attracted to another man. And I don’t understand why a woman would like another woman. I never knew any gay people until
you two.”

“Gays don’t go around wearing signs, you know?”

He looked at the sink full of dirty dishes. “Can I ask you something personal?” He took her silence for implied consent. “Are you a lesbian or bisexual?”

Julia pushed away from the wall and stepped down into the kitchen. She took a glass from an overhead cupboard, turned on the faucet and allowed the water to run for a moment before filling the
glass. “I prefer women.”

“So you’re lesbian?” Articulated, the word sounded harsh. It was not a pretty word.

“It’s more complicated. I have urges to be with men sometimes.” She laughed. “As you’ve already found out.” She paused and her brow furrowed in thought.
“I get more from a woman emotionally. With men, the sex is great, but overall it’s unsatisfying.” She shrugged. “Does that make me bisexual? Or a lesbian who fucks men?
I’ve never really worried about labels.”

“Do your family and friends know?”

“Yes, and some of my work colleagues as well.”

He admired her courage and would have hugged her to show his acceptance, but it didn’t feel appropriate. “I take it Katie’s your girlfriend?”

“You could say that. She’s married with kids, which makes it bloody tricky.”

Danny kept his smile to conceal the horror of her revelation.

Julia set the glass down. “So I’ll assume you have no problem with my sexuality.”

“Live and let live as the man says.”

“Good to hear because this woman says this is my home.”

As she looked at him, Danny understood how immigrants coming to live illegally in London felt when they had the bad luck of Julia scrutinising them on arrival.

Smoking trains

Pat and the woman sitting beside him whom Danny had never met before were already there when he arrived. So were Sonia Berg and her boyfriend. He’d moved out only three
weeks ago and already Piper’s living room felt dowdy and cramped in comparison to Julia’s spacious open plan design, though he missed her fastidious tidiness. No matter how often he led
by example, hoovering the carpets, mopping the kitchen floor, dusting and washing the dishes when Julia was around, she made no attempt to muck in. It seemed as if she was oblivious to the dust and
domestic chaos around her. Countless times, he’d had to ask her to hang her jackets and not air dry her tights and knickers on the backs of the dining room chairs. She never refused, even
apologised sometimes, but after a few days she’d forget and the room would return to its depressingly cluttered state.

“Hey, Danny,” Todd said. He rose off his chair and shook hands animatedly. “Great to see you again. Piper and I have been looking forward to having you over tonight.”

His enthusiasm caught Danny off guard, though he concealed it by handing Piper the bottle of red wine he’d brought as a hostess gift.

“How’s about ye’, young fella,” said Pat.

Danny nodded.

He placed his hand on the thigh of the woman seated beside him. “This is my girlfriend, Anne Marie.”

“It is so good to see you again, Danny,” Sonia said. She pushed a pair of oversized turtle-shell spectacles up the bridge of her nose. “Last time we were all very influenced by
the wine, I think.” She chuckled as if recalling the dinner at Julia’s when she’d done the crazy squat dance. “The German course goes good for you?”


Sehr gut, danke
,” he said, and kissed her cheek. He turned to greet Jean-Pierre whose handshake was as tenuous as Todd’s had been confident.

“Ah, you speak already German,” Sonia said. “This is good.”

“We’ve got red and white wine and beer,” said Todd. “What’d you like?”

“Red wine’d be lovely.”

“Comin’ right up.”

“I’ll get it, Todd.” Piper started toward the door.

“No, honey bunny,” he said. “Todd’s got it under control. You stay here and chat to our guests.”

She smiled and handed Todd the bottle of wine Danny had brought. “Todd’s a doll,” she said, after he left the room. “I had an exam today so he did all the
cooking.”

“You are now Todd’s honeyed rabbit,” said Sonia, her eyes glinting mischievously. She turned to Jean-Pierre. “
Liebchen
, I would like it if you would find something
nice like this for me.”

Jean-Pierre took a swig of beer.

Sonia turned back to Piper. “You have progressed further in the relationship you are holding with Todd?”

The doctor’s stiff sometimes comical way of expressing herself in English made Danny wonder if his German would also sound like that.

“Not quite getting what you’re asking me, Sonia,” Piper said.

The doctor cocked her head. “You have moved forward. Todd is living here, now?”

“No, he just spends more time here, is all.”

Sonia winked at Danny.

“Did I hear somebody talking ’bout us?” Todd handed Danny a glass of wine.

“I was just telling people we’re beginning to write our dissertations soon.” Piper started toward the table. “Let’s eat, folks.”

Because he was from San Francisco and wanted the guests to sample that city’s fare, Todd had baked sourdough bread, which Danny thought judging by its name alone would taste vile. It was
one of the most delicious breads he’d ever tasted. Sonia was clearly of the same opinion, devouring three slices slathered in butter before the main course, fresh scallops that still tasted
of the sea, and prawns in a pink vodka sauce over angel hair pasta. After dinner, Piper suggested they go to the living room. She put on a CD of baroque music while Todd fetched dessert.

“Your new house is pleasing to you?” Sonia said.

The dessert looked like wedges of a spongy apple cake they used to serve at Danny’s old high school.

“I love living there,” Danny said, as he took a plate of dessert.

“Julia is also wery pleased,” Sonia said.

“How do you know?” Danny asked.

Piper assumed the lotus position in front of the television and began to eat.

“She said this was so at the gym,” said Sonia.

“I didn’t know she was working out,” he said.

“It has been a long time for her.” Sonia laughed. “During the buttock tightening exercise in the aerobics, she was puffing so hard like… oh, how you say the train that
makes much smoking.”

“A steam train,” Piper said. “Jeez, what a visual.”

“And Katie finds you handsome.” Sonia winked at him slyly.

“You know about her girlfriend?”

“It is not so wery serious, I think. The woman has childrens and Julia is not so fond of childrens.”

“Wow, it’s all happening in Chumley Street,” Todd said.

Sonia moved to the edge of her seat. “You do not approve, Danny?”

He looked about the room and saw everyone was watching him, Piper very intently.

“I don’t care if Julia’s involved with a woman, but it’s not right for her to have an affair with a married woman with kids.”

“What if Katie’s relationship with her man is not satisfying?” Sonia asked.

“Sexual problems can be worked out, can’t they?” Danny asked.

“Bad sex is not always the ground,” Sonia said. “In Bonn, for example, I have counseled many womens who have all kinds of relationship problems with their mens. Sometimes the
mens are too controlling. Sometimes it is the money. And yes, sometimes it is the sex.”

“And I always thought it’s only bad sex that destroys relationships,” said Todd.

As Danny shifted in his seat, he saw Piper look at Todd with a peculiar expression on her face.

“Katie’s responsibilities are to her children and Julia should tell her that,” said Danny.

“I agree,” said Pat.

“Women with women is dead disgustin’,” said his girlfriend.

“Hey, anyone up for some more of Todd’s awesome cobbler?” Piper asked. She sat beside Todd on the couch and began to run her fingers through his hair.

A man wearing a navy baseball cap stood on the bottom step leading up to Piper’s front door when Danny left an hour later. The stranger turned around and started
hurriedly down the street. There was something familiar about him but Danny couldn’t remember where he’d seen the man before.

Danny started walking slowly. The man was now thirty feet away. He was tall, about six foot, with a neck as muscular as a rugby player’s. A car engine started up ahead. The passenger door
was flung open. The stranger ran across the street, climbed inside and the car swiftly pulled away from the kerb. Danny watched it speed down the street and turn the corner toward central
London.

Only after he’d climbed into bed did it occur to him where he’d seen the stranger. An icy chill froze Danny to the bed and held him prisoner. He was the tourist, the man in the
handsome denim shirt with the lion motif he’d seen that day at Saint Giles church and later again across the road near the house where Benjamin Franklin had lived. Was someone watching
them?

Puppy
non grata

It was a mewl, the same sound he’d heard five minutes earlier. It was the same mewl he’d heard on the first day of class. Danny looked around the room. No-one
looked guilty. Nothing seemed out of place. Most of the students were still focused on Hilary, the rest staring at their textbooks. Finty was searching for something in her bag at the far side of
her desk.

“Your sentence and pronunciation is good but ‘table’ is a masculine noun in this case,” Herr Fehler said. “It’s
der Tisch
not
das
Tisch
.”

“It’s all so terribly complicated,” Hilary said. She pushed a wayward lock of lilac-coloured hair behind her ear. “It’s an object. How can a dining table be
masculine or feminine?”

“You must not think this way,” said Herr Fehler, toying with his Prussian officer moustache.

Another mewl occurred, more plaintive this time.

“Who is making this hound noise, please?” Herr Fehler asked.

Out of the corner of his eye, Danny saw sudden movement. Finty gasped. A fluffy white ball of fur scampered out from the left side of her desk.

“Rexie!” Finty lunged but missed.

The puppy raced into the middle of the room. It stopped abruptly, squatted and began to piddle. A chorus of coos swept around the classroom.

“Rexie, come here at
once
.”

Finty moved slowly toward him but, like a precocious child, the puppy did not intend to surrender the limelight. He scampered, yapping underneath an empty desk. She scuttled over. Before she
could reach him, he bolted to the next desk where he lay down behind the woman’s crossed feet and peered out at her with big dark eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Herr Fehler.” Finty wiped her forehead with the back of her hand as she squatted. “Come here.” Her face began to flush.

Danny rose and went over to where he could see the puppy’s black eyes peeking out at him. He assumed a position between the woman’s desk and the adjacent one, knelt and attempted to
coax him out by pretending he had a treat concealed in his outstretched fist. The woman, a dour executive at a private bank, tried to assist by gripping the sides of the desktop and raising her
legs. Enjoying the game of hide and seek, the puppy broke for the next desk occupied by one of the Chinese Embassy employees.

Danny lunged and scooped him up, encasing his hands around the puppy’s tight tummy. His coat smelt of shampoo and was silky to the touch, but the skin underneath was surprisingly elastic,
as if already fully formed and just waiting for the puppy’s body to catch up. Danny planted a kiss on his head before handing him over to Finty. Taking a tissue, he then cleaned up the puddle
of urine.

“Class, we might as well learn the German for dog is
Hund
,” said Herr Fehler. “Puppy is
Huendchen
. Now
Hund
is masculine which means the definite article
is… ”


Der
,” the class called out.

“Exactly so.”

Hilary sighed loudly.

Herr Fehler turned to Finty. “Your dog is very nice but he is also not allowed to come to class again.”

“Shall I leave?”

“That would be fine.”

She placed the pup carefully into her bag and left.

“Finty, wait for me,” Danny called down the hallway.

She stopped and glanced over her shoulder. “Please go back. I don’t want you to miss anything.”

“It’s nearly over and besides… ” Danny nodded toward the tiny head peeking out at him from a corner of the bag. “We’ve learned a new word we’re not
supposed to know yet so I’m way ahead of the game.”

She laughed.

Danny scratched the puppy’s head.

“I can see you really like dogs,” she said.

“Mine died when I was seventeen.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I was so upset Mum let me take the day off school. I even put my school tie around his neck before I buried him.”

“That’s sweet.”

“I loved him.”

They walked toward the stairs. “I had someone looking after him but she found a permanent job just as the course started. I don’t like to leave him alone. He’s only four months
old.”

When they got outside, Danny checked up and down both sides of the street to see if he was being followed again. He scanned the entrances to two side streets and a line of people standing at a
bus stop. His eyes returned to an athletically built man standing beside a mailbox who seemed to be looking over. The man took a bundle of letters out of a satchel, dropped them into the box and
walked away.

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