Twisted (7 page)

“Okay, I’ll do that. Remember that day after tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. Sandy and Maria were gonna come over, and Renee’s comin’ up from Seattle to be with Josh. She mentioned Pam and Carol will be here too. Jeanette, José, Josh, and Smitty will all be here.”

“Should I invite my old man?”

“You don’t have to ask that, buddy. Just go right ahead if you want to.”

“I’m not sure.”

“You’ll have a better idea after you’ve talked to the rest of ’em and the PFLAG folks.”

“I better go call the PFLAG folks now.”

“Great. I’ll get dinner in the slow cooker. Then let’s have a good workout, since we’re not skiin’ today.”

“Let’s make sure we go skiin’ tomorrow though.”

“You just read my mind, buddy.” We both headed off to get done the stuff we needed to do.

T
HE
day had passed pretty uneventfully. Jason had actually done a good job on the house, and Mike and I had a very good workout. Dinner turned out well, although we had mostly small talk. Mike didn’t talk too much about his family until it came time to call his mom.

He was even more confused about his father since he talked to the PFLAG folks. Apparently his father is very active in PFLAG, and does a great deal of counseling to families who can’t accept their gay children, due to religious issues. His father also has marched in every gay pride parade for the past three years and travels all over, supporting PFLAG.

“Don’t ya think, Mike, he could’ve realized just how wrong he was and how much hurt he caused and is tryin’ to make up for it?”

“Jeffy, logic-wise, I know that. It’s just hard for me to reconcile this gay-friendly man with the bastard who used to beat the shit outta me for bein’ gay.”

“So what are ya thinkin’?”

“I’m tryin’ to figure out if I can give him the benefit of the doubt or not. Ya gotta remember that, the last time I confided in him, I became an outcast in my hometown, I got the shit beat outta me regularly, and finally when I was sixteen, got kicked outta the only home I’d ever known.”

“I understand. You’re in a rough position. If he’d stayed hateful, you wouldn’t be all torn up over this.”

“I also see how hate ruined his life, a part of mine, my mom’s, and my sister’s and brother’s. I don’t wanna be hateful like that.”

“You reckon you’re able to forgive him? By forgive I mean tellin’ him and really believin’ that what happened is water under the bridge. It’s over and you’ve come out okay. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to be his best friend or be close to him or anythin’. It means you understand why he did what he did, accept the fact he’s sorry about it, let go of the anger you hold, and move on.” He gave me a long steady look.

“I reckon you’re right, but it’s easier said than done. Part of me wants to do just that, and part of me still wants to kick the shit outta him.”

“What about acknowledgin’ that he realizes what he did was wrong and is tryin’ to right the situation? That might be a good first step. Just lettin’ him know that, and tellin’ him that you still got a lot of healin’ to do.”

“That sounds like a place to start. Ya know, Jeffy, I’m as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs.” I took him in my arms.

“Just remember, buddy, you got a family now, and I’m here for ya. What’s important is the two of us here.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate your listenin’ to me.”

“No problem.” I sat next to Mike and put my hand on his shoulder.

“Well, I reckon I’d better call my mom.” He sat there for a few minutes and finally picked up the phone and dialed the number his dad had given him.

“Hello. Mom? It’s Mike.” I could hear an exclamation of delight from the other side. Mike listened for a couple minutes and answered.

“Me too. I never expected to hear from any of you again. They’re both there?” I reckoned that he was talking about his sister and brother. He continued. “Sure. Jeff, my partner, is here with me. You don’t mind if I do the same? Great!” He turned to me.

“I’m gonna put it on speakerphone. I want you to meet them. Mom’s gonna do the same so we can talk to her, Eve, and Guy all at once.”

“You sure you want me around?”

“I’m sure.” He pushed a button, and all of a sudden I could hear a lady who had the same accent as Mike’s dad.

“Hello? Mike, can you hear me?”

“Loud and clear, Mom.”

“Good. Jeff, I am very happy to meet you. I saw you with Mike in the magazine articles.”

“I’m pleased to meet you too, Mrs. Guidry.”

She laughed over the phone. “Please call me Madeline. Mrs. Guidry is too formal for family.” Mike was beaming at me. He started talking.

“Eve, Guy, are you there?” He was asking about his brother and sister.

“Hello, Mike!”

“Hey, Mike!”

Madeline spoke up again. “Mike, we are so happy to know you are all right. The pictures of you in the magazines are very nice. You look so handsome and happy.”

“I am happy, Mom. I got a good life out here and a great partner.”

I heard another female voice. It must have been Eve. “Mike, tu as de bon goût! Ton partenaire est très beau.” She’d just told Mike he has good taste since his partner is good-looking. I couldn’t resist jumping in.

“Merci
,
Eve!” Everyone laughed when I said thanks.

“Mike, you did not tell us Jeff can speak French.”

“I haven’t had a chance to tell you much of anything yet.”

Madeline spoke up. “Mike, we have been looking for you for so long. Tell me what happened. How did you end up in Washington State? How did you become a cowboy?”

He took a deep breath and started to speak. “Well, when I got off the bus in San Francisco, I was scared to death. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I just sat there for most of the day. A police officer had been walking through occasionally, and I reckon he noticed me. He asked me if I had anywhere to go, and I said no. He asked if I ran away, and I said no, I got kicked out. He didn’t even ask why. He told me about a shelter for homeless youth and took me there. Most of the guys there were gay also. I didn’t really hang around with them since they sold themselves for money. I was afraid I was gonna have to do that when my money ran out. I was lucky though. The same officer that had taken me to the shelter came by and mentioned that the police department had an equestrian unit, and they needed a stable boy. The wages were being paid from a program for ‘youth at risk’, and if I was interested, he had an application for me. I filled it out and got the job. I learned about horses there and was able to go to several ranches that had weeks for city kids and youth at risk. I didn’t really like San Francisco, so I was looking around for a place to go. I worked as a stable boy, and then as a cowboy in Northern California for a while. One of the ranches we went to was in Washington State, near here. I thought this place was really beautiful, so I came up here looking for a job cowboying. I worked at a couple of different places and then met Jeff’s dad. He hired me and was really great to me. He sort of took me under his wing. When he passed away, Jeff came back, and we got to be friends. We started datin’, and now we’re together.”

I remembered Mike having told me this before and being pleasantly surprised that he hadn’t had to sell himself just to have money to buy food. 

“Mike, I am so sorry. I wish I had spoken up or said something to your father. I’d give anything if I could change the past. So would your father. He’s been eating himself alive with guilt from the time he got back from leaving you at the bus station. We went there, but the bus had already gone.”

“Yeah, well that’s water under the bridge now, ain’t it?” I could hear some of the bitterness and anger Mike had carried around for so long, surfacing in his voice. Although Mike was really trying to deal with the situation, the anger, bitterness, and hurt were right there, just below the surface.

“I understand how much we must have hurt you, Mike—”

He cut Madeline off before she could even finish. “You
understand
?” His voice dripped with sarcasm. “Pardon me, Mom, but I really don’t think anyone can understand just what I felt or what I went through. Do you know what it’s like to be betrayed by those closest to you?”

“No, Mike, I don’t. But I do know the shame and guilt for betraying someone close and dependant on me.” That stopped Mike for a minute, but he spoke up again.

“What about
him
?” There was a good amount of disgust in his voice when he said “him.” “Has he really changed? You said he feels guilty, so fuckin’ what? I’m not sure that guilty even begins to cover what he put me through. Even before he kicked me out, I was the one bein’ ridiculed by everyone in town. I was the one gettin’ the shit beat outta me regularly. I was the one thrown out on the streets because I asked for help. So what if he’s workin’ with PFLAG? So what if he feels bad? What he did to me, it’s illegal to do to a dog. Why should I even have anything to do with any of you? It’s not like you ever even tried to stop his abuse.”

Madeline was sobbing as she spoke up. “Mike, I am so sorry. There hasn’t been a minute since you left that I haven’t felt horrible and guilty and a total failure as a parent. Your father has changed. He’s spent almost all his time since you left trying to make sure that what happened to you doesn’t happen to anyone else—”

Mike cut in angrily. “Horrible and guilty? You said since I left. Well, I didn’t leave. I got thrown out. Fuck this shit. I don’t need any of you. Why do you have to stick up for him?”

“Don’t talk to her that way!” a new voice yelled over the phone. It must have been Guy.

“Fuck you, Guy. You’ve always had a roof over your head and three meals a day. You never had to go through what I did.”

I reached over and put my hand on his shoulder. “Easy there, cowboy.” He shook my hand off.

“I thought you were on my side. Don’t you even know how difficult this is for me? You and your perfect relationship with your father, you didn’t go through what I went through either.” He was red with anger, and a tear slipped down his cheek.

“Everything’s so easy for you, always the top cowboy, always the friend, always the popular one. Shit, Jeff, sometimes I think I’m just some charity project you took on.” He glared at me. I stared back at him, refusing to break eye contact. He finally looked away. I put my hand over his shoulder and rubbed the back of his neck.

I said to Madeline over the speakerphone, “Excuse us for a moment.” I turned off the speaker and looked at Mike.

“What?” He turned back to me and glared. I looked at him for a few seconds, and he broke eye contact again. In that instant, I stepped forward and took him in my arms. He stiffened at first, but then melded himself against me.

“You okay, Mike?”

“I’m really sorry, Jeffy. I do feel like a charity case you took on because you feel sorry for me.”

“Do I do anythin’ to make you feel that way?” He had buried his face in my shoulder at the crook of my neck. I just held him and rubbed his back.

After a few minutes, he finally responded.

“No, it’s just me. Why would someone like you ever want a damaged piece of trash like me?”

“Let’s see, could it be you’re as sharp as a whip, or maybe it’s the fact you’re so much fun to be with. It could be the fact that I really enjoy spendin’ time with you. Maybe the fact that I love you has somethin’ to do with it, or it just could be that you’re the handsomest guy on earth, have the body of death, and the sweetest ass I ever seen. Ya know, Mike, I bet it’s all of those things. Oh, and you gotta add to those things that I really admire, respect, and trust you, and you’re the guy I want by my side and at my back ’til we’re both little old men.” He started sobbin’ into my shoulder. “It’s okay, buddy.”

“Jeffy, I swear you’re a saint. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you.”

“If you can’t see it, let’s just agree that you do deserve me, okay?” He finally looked up at me, a sheepish grin on his face.

“Okay, and thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m here for ya. Now, are you ready to continue the conversation?”

“Yeah, I reckon so.” He reached over and turned on the speakerphone again.

“Guy, I’m sorry for jumpin’ on you like that. Mom, I didn’t mean to be rude, but I need to understand. The two things that hurt me the most were my havin’ thought he could help me, and that you didn’t stand up to him for me. If you want any type of contact, let alone a relationship, I gotta deal with the hurt from those two things. To deal with that, I need to understand it first. I reckon I still have a lot of anger and resentment buried. I thought I’d dealt with a bunch of it, but obviously not. I asked you about him, so I do wanna know, just like I want to understand what happened.”

Madeline was silent a moment. She seemed lost in her own private torment. She finally spoke up. “Mike, you have every right to ask that question, and I can’t blame you for being angry with me. The fact I didn’t stand up to your father on your behalf will haunt me to the day I die. I never stopped worrying about you, wondering about you, being afraid for you. When I read stories of street kids prostituting themselves to survive, it tore me apart. When I heard about the gay serial killer who is going up and down the west coast, I couldn’t deal with it, thinking maybe you were or could be one of his victims. I left your father after he kicked you out. We stayed in touch in case either one of us heard from you. I know he regrets what he did, but I regret what I didn’t do even more. At first, I let anger at your father get me through the days and nights. Then, however, I realized I was equally to blame. I tried to kill myself twice. Both times Guy found me. I finally got some counseling and help for all of us. Your father had found PFLAG, and we, all of us, started going to the meetings. It helped a bit, but it never erased the guilt I feel over the fact I did nothing.

“Mike, I don’t even know if I can explain to you my reasons. First of all, at the time, I believed as did your father, that the man is the head of the house, and the wife should listen to him and follow his decisions. I think that is garbage now, but at the time I was stupid enough to believe that.”