Turbulent Sea (28 page)

Until now. With the wrong man. Everything about him appealed to her, even his aloofness. "I intended to be the goddess who finally melted his heart of stone. What a crock." She covered her face with her hands. "I can't believe I did this."

"Come here, baby," Tish said.

Joley laid her head in Tish's lap and let her stroke her hair soothingly. She wasn't going to cry. She deserved this for her own stupidity. Men like Ilya Prakenskii didn't really fall in love and live happily ever after, and neither did women like Joley. "I want to be normal."

Tish bent and kissed the top of her head. "You're Joley and that's enough. If he doesn't love you, he's crazy. We all love you. Every single one of us. We know you'd go to hell and back for us. Why do you think Brian's braving the paparazzi right now, getting you something to eat? With the murder, it's even crazier than normal. They've said all kinds of cruel things about him both in the tabloids and in the newspapers, implying he's guilty."

"Oh, no." Joley sat up with a small frown. "Why would they think he'd have a reason to kill Dean?"

Tish sighed. "The heaviest speculation is that you were secretly having an affair with Dean and Brian got jealous. They had words over you and Brian killed him."

Joley swore under her breath. "Can't they just once give us a break? Why do they have to do that?"

"I told you when you got into this business, baby, they feed off scandal and rumors. When there's nothing there, they have to make it up, and when there is, they make it a thousand times worse." Tish pointed to the shower. "Go. He'll be back soon and you're going to want to be on your feet. You'll need cover-up for your neck."

Joley wrapped herself more tightly in the comforter and slid off the bed. Tears were useless, even though she couldn't stop them in the shower.

Joley.

There he was again, a stirring in her mind. A whispered caress. It didn't mean anything. This was a man admittedly trained in the art of seduction—and he had seduced her. He'd used her own dark desires against her. She had to stay focused on reality and not on what she wanted or needed from him.

I'm in a hurry. I'm late getting ready for the sound check and everyone is waiting.

There. Steady. Matter-of-fact. She took a deep breath, let it out and stepped out of the shower to rub a towel over her body. She was sore everywhere, and so sensitized that touching her breasts sent streaks of fire shooting down her thighs.

She stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were dark, almost black, filled with pain. She'd let someone do that to her. She had known all along she felt things too deeply. She became attached. She didn't want a lover who could walk away from her, because she could never do that—love someone completely and survive intact if he left her.

Joley, before you go on tonight, we need to talk.

I'm sorry. I doubt there's time. I'm running late and Tish is here. Brian's just come with some food. Later
. Much later. As in never. She was going to have to ask Jerry to find a way to get rid of him without tipping him off. Jerry was good at covering for her.

Tish handed her clothes through the door and Joley put them on. Tish knew her so well. She pressed her fingertips to her eyes. Tish knew about pain and loss. She loved Logan and he'd betrayed her. Joley detested the selfish part of her that had pushed Logan to ask Tish to come for the baby. She understood now how hard it had been for Tish. She hadn't wanted to see Logan, to speak to him, to take even his money from him. She wanted nothing to do with him, and now Joley understood.

She was careful with makeup. She rarely wore much other than during a performance, but she needed the added confidence as well as something to mask the dark circles under her eyes.

"Hey," Brian knocked on the bathroom door. "The food I risked my life bringing to you is getting cold. And Tish made you a cup of tea, that special blend Hannah always sends you."

Joley smiled. It was nice to have friends who cared. People who knew you so well. She stepped out and hugged Brian. After his initial shock, he hugged her back. For the first time, she was drowning so much in her own misery, she couldn't catch more than worry and guilt flowing from him.

"Thanks for braving the crazies to get me food, Brian." She managed to look normal as she walked to the table and sat down. She didn't even burst into tears.

"Dallas is wild, Joley. Jerry and I have been tried and convicted in most of the tabloids, and the general speculation is that I'm getting off because I'm a celebrity. It's pretty vicious stuff so don't bother reading it. The newspapers are the same. I was hiding in the bus until Jerry said there was something wrong with you."

Tish nodded. "Security's tight and they've got ropes up, but there's already a mob outside. We've got security going through the usual gifts and things left for you." She glanced at Brian uneasily as she placed the tea in front of the plate of food on the table. "We've gotten a couple more disturbing letters, Joley. Jerry had Prakenskii look at them, and he also faxed copies to Jonas. He said that was standard now, to copy Jonas on everything."

Joley nodded. "Jonas is more than a brother-in-law, he's also like a brother. I've known him my entire life and he's bossy when it comes to safety. All the men in my family are."

Brian sat down and leaned his chin onto his hand watching her eat. "That's good."

"I suppose," Joley agreed.

Tish touched her hair with a gentle hand. "I've got to check on the baby. You don't have much time for the sound check, Joley. You've only got about two hours before the performance, and you're going to have to get ready. The band did the check, but they need you."

"I know. I'm sorry. I was just so tired. It was dumb to double up on that stuff. Next time, believe me, I'll know better. I'm sorry I scared everyone." Joley caught at Tish's dress. "Are you okay with taking care of the baby, Tish? I should have told Logan it wasn't a good idea. I knew he wanted you back with him, and I did, too. It was wrong of me—of all of us. We were thinking about ourselves, not you."

"I'm taking one day at a time. I won't let Logan push me into anything before I'm ready, but I missed everyone—and him. Especially him. He's treating me like a queen right now."

"He should, Tish. He doesn't deserve you, none of us do."

Tish's eyes went soft, her smile gentle. "I love all of you. And little Lissa is the sweetest, most beautiful baby in the world."

Brian sighed as she went out. "Lissa is the one who will get Tish back for Logan. We're all crazy about that kid already. She has too many 'uncles' who are going to spoil her rotten." He leaned his elbows on the table and shoved his hands through his hair in agitation. "I have to say it, Joley. I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have talked to you that way the other night. You're my best friend. I just lost it there."

She took a sip of tea and nudged the other cup Tish had made closer to him. "Why did you? What's going on with you? And don't say it's jealousy, because you don't think of me that way. I know we joke all the time, but I've never felt your interest, not once."

"I love you, Joley."

"I know that, but not like that. So what got you so upset?"

"It's that man. Prakenskii. He just irks me. And then Jerry decides to hire him without really giving any of us a choice. What the hell is that about?"

Joley's stomach knotted. She put her fork down. "Why do you dislike him so much?" And why hadn't he told her before she made such a fool out of herself?

"It's the way Nikitin is with him." The words burst from Brian as if he'd been holding them in forever. "I think he's involved with him somehow."

Joley frowned and rubbed her temples. "I have no idea what you mean by involved. Prakenskii works for Nikitin as a bodyguard. Everyone knows that."

Brian shook his head. "It's more than that. Seriously, Joley, something's going on with those two. And suddenly Nikitin loans him to us. Did Nikitin send him on purpose? Does he want something? I think those are legitimate questions we have to ask."

"You've sure changed your mind." Joley pushed away from the table, taking her tea with her. She needed the soothing chamomile. "You defended Nikitin before." Although he'd never liked Prakenskii, she recalled.

"After you talked to me, I thought a lot about the time I'd spent with him, the things I saw and heard, and although I didn't want to admit it, I think there's a possibility that you're right about Sergei."

Her eyebrows shot up at the familiar way Brian said the Russian's name. "You've spent more time with Nikitin than I realized. I'm sorry if you thought he was a friend, Brian. I should have told you my concerns about him earlier. I just thought you all went to his parties for the benefits."

Brian jumped up, knocking hard into the table, sending the plate skittering across it. He righted it, avoiding her eyes. "Yeah. I spent time with him. And I don't trust Prakenskii. Nikitin is weird about him. Really weird."

She wanted to hear but she didn't. The mention of Prakenskii sent pain crashing through her. Pain. Guilt. Shame. She hated feeling stupid. "In what way?"

"At first I thought they had a thing—you know—a sexual thing."

Joley spewed tea across the room, choked and coughed, gasping for air. When she managed to breathe, she scowled at him. "Why in the world would you think Ilya Prakenskii and Nikitin are lovers?"

"You are very naive, Joley, in a lot of ways. Prakenskii is a dominant, in every sense of the word, and very sexual. He could mesmerize someone, male or female, and keep them tied to him. Nikitin seems under his control, afraid of him, but influenced by him. He obviously won't fire him, you said so yourself. But he doesn't trust him. I saw that with my own eyes. And Nikitin is gay."

"How would you know that?"

There was a small silence that lengthened and grew. Joley slowly put down her teacup and stared at the man she'd known for years. A man she thought of as her best friend. He met her gaze steadily, but she could see the expectance of rejection in his eyes. "You? Brian, why didn't you ever tell me? How could I not know? Do all the guys know?"

He shook his head but remained silent.

Joley looked around for a chair, and when nothing was close by she leaned against the wall. "Why didn't you say something to me?"

"I couldn't."

She swallowed hard. "You didn't trust me. You knew I loved you, but you still didn't trust me, Brian. I don't understand. Did you think it would make a difference in how I feel about you?"

"Right now, I'm just Brian, one of the band, a member of the family, and we all get along and love each other and it's all good. Everyone respects me and comes to me for advice for everything from dating to what to do when they have a problem. In an argument, they all listen to me. What do you think will happen when it comes out I'm gay? I'll be the gay guy who might cry if someone yells at him. Everything will change. My friends will treat me differently, and you can bet the paparazzi will have a field day talking about all of us traveling in the bus together, taking showers, sleeping. They'll speculate on the others, and pretty soon it won't be jokes when we read the tabloids, it will be Brian has to have his own bus because they won't be able to laugh about sleeping with a gay man. They can laugh when the paparazzi claim you're banging all of us, but it won't be so funny if it's them with me."

He was right. She could see how it would happen. "How could you hide this so long and no one know?" She rarely touched him, but she should have had some warning. She'd thought it was just that she felt a lack of sexual attraction toward her.

"Because the band and the music meant more to me than banging someone. I just dated a few girls and made certain we were photographed a lot, and eventually broke up with them. I went to the parties and looked like I fit in. Staying sober helped. I could think clearly and set the stage when I needed to. Our names were linked all the time and I made certain it stayed that way."

"But now? Why are you telling me now?"

"Because Nikitin knows about me, he knows I'm gay. I fell in love with him. He was like a dream come true for me. We'd talk for hours and laugh together. We'd go up to his room and have a cognac and end up in bed. Not at first. At first we just talked, but I couldn't stay away from him, even though I knew I was risking my career. But his risk seemed just as great. He's always with beautiful women. I asked if he was bisexual and he said no, but like me, he needed to keep his image straight. He said it was better for his business. He was perfect. He understood I traveled often; he did, too. He could follow the band on the pretense of loving the music and give extravagant parties and we could be together and no one would be the wiser."

It took a few minutes to digest what he was telling her. Everything she'd ever thought or believed about Nikitin was wrong. Everyone thought Nikitin was obsessed with her, but all along it had been with Brian. He'd followed the band because he'd been Brian's lover.

"How long has this been going on?"

Brian rubbed his forehead in distress. "A long time. Over a year."

"His security has to know."

"You mean Prakenskii. Yeah. I'm pretty certain he knows. Sergei wouldn't discuss him with me. I was so jealous, Joley. So jealous and so stupid. Prakenskii is a very dangerous man. To you. To me. Maybe even to Sergei."

Joley went to the window and stared out. People were milling everywhere, but she felt alone and empty and sad. Terribly sad. Ilya had known about Brian before she had, and Brian was her best friend. Why hadn't Ilya said anything to her? Loyalty toward his boss? Did he have other motives?

And Brian. She sighed. Brian was a good person, and he didn't deserve heartache any more than she did. "I'm afraid for you, Brian. Sergei Nikitin heads up the Russian mob. He isn't just a little part of it, he's the top dog. If he believes you're a threat to him, he'll have you killed."

Brian stood behind her, staring out the window as well. "I broke it off with him, made certain he knew I had as much to lose, and he said he wasn't willing to let it go. He said he would never harm me, but the rest of the band wasn't going to be so lucky." He covered his face with his hands and slid down to the floor. "That kid. Dean. I think his men killed him because of me—as a warning to me. And then he sent Prakenskii here as a warning that you were next. I don't know what to do, Joley. I couldn't bear it if he had you killed, too."