TTYL (18 page)

mad maddie:

i'm sorry to report that i've discovered a smell worse than period farts.

zoegirl:

period farts?

mad maddie:

don't play dumb. i'm talking about those wretched farts u get when u have your period, which r totally different from normal farts?

zoegirl:

ahem, maddie? i don't like where this is going.

mad maddie:

me neither, and i should know cuz i'm the one who—for some INSANE reason—agreed to try mark's disgusting hemp milk with my raisin bran this morning.

zoegirl:

HEMP milk? i thought hemp was something you made clothes out of.

mad maddie:

apparently u can make big
s out of it too. pelt-woman says it's good for your digestive system, and now mark does 2, cuz he has to do everything she does. i wish he would hurry up and move into his own apartment and take his nasty hemp milk with him, cuz DAMN is it gross. u have to shake it before u use it, and sometimes little clots of something gross come floating out.

zoegirl:

that is revolting

mad maddie:

and now i have the nastiest gas i've ever had in my life. AND i've got a “date” with ian tonight. i'm trying to get it all out now before he picks me up.

zoegirl:

a “date,” huh? like, a date date?

mad maddie:

dinner and a movie, the whole shebang.

zoegirl:

maddie, that's so sweet! u've got a real live beau!

mad maddie:

until i blow him away with my farts, that is.

mad maddie:

hey, if i text angela, is she gonna act all pissy, or has she forgiven me for giving jana a ride home on tuesday?

zoegirl:

she's still annoyed, but u should text her anyway. she was just over here, but i bet she's home by now.

mad maddie:

why was she over there? were u guys having a secret powwow w/o me?

zoegirl:

relax, she was just teaching me how to do makeup. u would've hated it.

mad maddie:

that's for damn sure

mad maddie:

anyway, the whole jana thing was SO not a big deal. angela made it out like i was picking jana over her, and that totally wasn't the case.

zoegirl:

listen, u don't have to convince me.

mad maddie:

i mean, u and angela r my best friends, that goes without saying. but that doesn't mean i can't be friends with jana 2.

zoegirl:

i'm really ok with this, maddie.

mad maddie:

right. sorry.

mad maddie:

so… what r u doing tonight? any big plans now that ur all made up and beautiful?

zoegirl:

tonight? nah. i'll be psyched to hear how your date goes, tho.

mad maddie:

yeah, i'll tell u all about it. guess i better—oops, there goes another one.

zoegirl:

another what?

mad maddie:

another hemp-milk fart. my butt cheeks r still flapping. byeas!

mad maddie:

hola, angela.

mad maddie:

r u still mad at me, or have u realized the error of your ways?

SnowAngel:

???

mad maddie:

never mind. let's talk about something else, like my date with ian. i'm actually kinda nervous. isn't that weird?

SnowAngel:

no. that means u like him!

mad maddie:

i keep wondering if he'll be more aggressive tonight, if he'll go for the gusto and kiss me on the lips and not just the top of my head.

SnowAngel:

do u want him to?

mad maddie:

i think so, yeah.

SnowAngel:

first kisses r sooooooo romantic. *sighs*

mad maddie:

what about u? what r u up to tonight?

SnowAngel:

NOTHING! *stomps around and kicks things* i feel like such a loser.

mad maddie:

that suck.

SnowAngel:

tell me about it. altho it's not SO bad, cuz chrissy and i are going to watch “The Spectacular Now.” i luv that movie.

mad maddie:

tits, ma.

SnowAngel:

will u PLEASE stop saying that? that is the dumbest expression i've ever heard. it's like saying, “penis, man,” or “testicles. awesome.”

mad maddie:

ooo—aren't we touchy

mad maddie:

maybe u shld call zo, see if she wants to come hang with u and chrissy.

SnowAngel:

well, yeah, i wld, if she didn't have her own hot date. thanks for rubbing it in.

mad maddie:

zoe has a date?

SnowAngel:

fine, so it's not technically a “date.” it's still more exciting than popcorn and tv.

mad maddie:

exsqueeze me, but what r u talking about?

SnowAngel:

that wellspring party zoe's going to. get with the program.

mad maddie:

zoe's going to a wellspring party? tonight?

SnowAngel:

r we having a communication problem here? *cups hands around mouth* YES, ZOE'S GOING TO A WELLSPRING PARTY TONIGHT. that's why she got those new jeans she was wearing today, and that's why i went over and dolled her up. she looks totally fab, btw.

mad maddie:

hold on. i texted zoe like an hour ago, and she said nothing about a wellspring party. i asked
her flat-out what she was doing tonight, and she didn't say a word.

SnowAngel:

huh. probably cuz she didn't want u saying, “tits, man.”

mad maddie:

screw u. is mr. h gonna be there?

SnowAngel:

he's the one who told her about it.

mad maddie:

what?!!

mad maddie:

all right, fine. i can't think about this anymore.

SnowAngel:

wait a minute—r u upset about this?

mad maddie:

don't be dumb

SnowAngel:

cuz u seem upset, and now i'm thinking i shouldn't have said anything.

mad maddie:

ian's gonna be here soon. i've g2g.

SnowAngel:

ok, if u say so. have fun!

SnowAngel:

have u drunk the Kool-Aid yet?

zoegirl:

no, and don't be mean. you sound like maddie.

SnowAngel:

well, r u having fun? is the party still going on? it's getting late for the church-going crowd, isn't it?

zoegirl:

hahaha.

zoegirl:

angela! oh, AN-gela!

SnowAngel:

hey!

zoegirl:

just to satisfy your curiosity, yes, the party WAS fun. billy summers brought his guitar, and we did a lot of sing-alongs. maddie would have laughed her head off.

SnowAngel:

what about mr. h? was he there?

zoegirl:

he was

SnowAngel:

and?

zoegirl:

ack. i really should tell u in person. r u still coming over?

SnowAngel:

don't u DARE leave me hanging like that. did something happen with mr. h?!!!

zoegirl:

i don't know. maybe?

SnowAngel:

TELL ME!!!!

zoegirl:

well… it was when he gave me a ride home. i was about to call my mom to pick me up, but he said he was ready to go 2.

SnowAngel:

i bet

zoegirl:

so it was just the 2 of us in his car, and at first i felt pretty jumpy. i don't know why, really, except maybe that it was dark out? it made things feel more intimate than the times he took me to church.

SnowAngel:

mmm-hmmm. go on.

zoegirl:

so… we talked. and when we got to my house, he cut the engine and we talked a little longer. which shows how innocent it was, cuz my parents were right there, less than 20 feet away.

SnowAngel:

yeah, INSIDE the house

zoegirl:

he said i seem a lot older than 15, and that he's really enjoyed getting to know me. i know it sounds corny, but it was nice.

SnowAngel:

i can c that

zoegirl:

and then…

SnowAngel:

what?

zoegirl:

well, he made this comment about my jeans, teasing me about how raggedy they were. and then he reached over and touched the hole, kinda running his finger around the worn part.

SnowAngel:

zoe! OMG!!!

zoegirl:

it was almost like he was doing it as an excuse to touch my leg.

SnowAngel:

well. yeah! cuz he WAS doing it as an excuse to touch your leg!

zoegirl:

but he wasn't being a lech or anything. i don't want u to get the wrong idea.

SnowAngel:

shit. zoe. HE'S YOUR TEACHER!!!

zoegirl:

i know

SnowAngel:

did u like it? ooo—that sounds icky. i mean. was it ok with u that he did that?

zoegirl:

i don't know. i'm not mad or anything, if that's what u mean.

SnowAngel:

*whistles*

zoegirl:

do u think that's awful? do u think it's really gross?

SnowAngel:

r u still gonna go to church with him on sunday?

zoegirl:

uh huh. my mom's baking thumbprint cookies to give him when he picks me up, the kind with jam inside. she, like, adores him.

SnowAngel:

wow

zoegirl:

don't tell anyone any of this, all right? i mean, i know u wouldn't, but i just wanted to make sure.

SnowAngel:

don't worry

SnowAngel:

even if i did, no one would believe me.

zoegirl:

what's that supposed to mean?

SnowAngel:

just that ur so pure and innocent. no one would believe that ur secretly this lady of the night.

zoegirl:

angela!

SnowAngel:

jk

zoegirl:

NOT funny

SnowAngel:

so what time do u want me to come over? i can come right now if u want.

zoegirl:

sure. and hopefully maddie'll drop by after work. ooo, and maybe she can bring some beignets.