Trying to Find Chinatown: The Selected Plays of David Henry Hwang (19 page)
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Authors: David Henry Hwang
BOOK: Trying to Find Chinatown: The Selected Plays of David Henry Hwang
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ROBERT: Di-gou, he hasn’t heard. Have you, Di-gou?
DI-GOU: Is this when you didn’t know if you would live or die?
ROBERT: How did—? Who told him?
POPO: I cannot think of enough ways to shoot him! Rifle! Arrows!
HANNAH
(To Robert)
: Sit down!
(To Robert)
: Sit down!
ROBERT: But there’s something new!
HANNAH: I think we better let him speak, or he’ll never shut up.
ROBERT: She’s right. I won’t.
JOANNE: All right. Make it quick, Robert.
ROBERT: All right. As I was saying, I didn’t know if I would live or die.
JOANNE: You lived.
ROBERT: But the resulting publicity has made me a celebrity. Everyplace I go, people come up to me—“Aren’t you the one that got kidnapped?” When I tell them how much the ransom was, they can hardly believe it. They ask for my autograph. Now—here’s the new thing. I met these clients last week, told them my story. Now, these guys are big shots and they say it would make a great movie. Yeah. No kidding. They made movies before. Not just regular movie, that’s junk stuffs. We want to go where the big money is—we want to make a miniseries for TV. Like
Shogun
. I told them, they should take the story, spice it up a little, you know? Add some sex scenes—we were thinking that I could have some hanky-panky with one of my kidnappers—woman, of course—just for audience sake—like Patty Hearst. I told them I should be played by Marlon Brando. And I have the greatest title:
Not a Chinaman’s Chance
. Isn’t that a great title?
Not a Chinaman’s Chance
. Beautiful. I can see the beginning already: I’m walking out of my office. I stop to help a man fixing a flat tire.
Shogun
. I told them, they should take the story, spice it up a little, you know? Add some sex scenes—we were thinking that I could have some hanky-panky with one of my kidnappers—woman, of course—just for audience sake—like Patty Hearst. I told them I should be played by Marlon Brando. And I have the greatest title:
Not a Chinaman’s Chance
. Isn’t that a great title?
Not a Chinaman’s Chance
. Beautiful. I can see the beginning already: I’m walking out of my office. I stop to help a man fixing a flat tire.
HANNAH: All right, dear. That’s enough.
ROBERT: Meanwhile, my secretary is having sex with my kidnapper.
HANNAH: Kidnap! Kidnap! That’s all I ever hear about!
ROBERT: But, Hannah, I didn’t know if I would live or die.
HANNAH: I wish you’d never even been kidnapped.
JOANNE: Well, what about Wilbur?
WILBUR: Leave me out of this.
JOANNE: Wilbur, you could be kidnapped.
WILBUR: I know, I know. It just hasn’t happened yet, that’s all.
HANNAH: Listen, Joanne. Count your blessings. It’s not that great a thing. If they live, they never stop talking about it.
ROBERT: But the publicity!—I sign newspapers all the time!
JOANNE: I’m just saying that Robert’s not the only one worth kidnapping.
HANNAH: Joanne, no one’s saying that.
AMA: Yes. We all desire Wilbur to be kidnapped also.
POPO: And Robert. Again. This time, longer.
JOANNE: I mean, Wilbur has a lot of assets.
ROBERT: Wilbur, maybe next time you can get kidnapped.
WILBUR: Never mind, honey.
JOANNE: You do.
WILBUR: I can defend myself.
ROBERT: But it takes more than assets to be kidnapped. You have to be cosmopolitan.
HANNAH: Hey, wait. What kind of example are we setting for Di-gou?
ROBERT: See? That’s why I’m talking about it. To show Di-gou the greatness of America. I’m just an immigrant, Di-gou, an FOB—but in America, I get kidnapped.
HANNAH: I mean, a Christian example.
DI-GOU: Oh, do not worry about me. This is all very fascinating.
JOANNE
(To Robert)
: So, you think you’re cosmopolitan, huh?
(To Robert)
: So, you think you’re cosmopolitan, huh?
ROBERT: I am. Before they let me loose, those kidnappers—they respected me.
JOANNE: They probably let you go because they couldn’t stand to have you in their car.
POPO: Probably you sing to them.
ROBERT: No. They said, “We’ve been kidnapping a long time, but—”
JOANNE: Because we can’t stand to have you in our house!
(Pause.)
ROBERT
(To Joanne)
: Now what kind of example are you setting for Di-gou?
(To Joanne)
: Now what kind of example are you setting for Di-gou?
WILBUR: Joanne, just shut up, okay?
HANNAH
(To Di-gou)
: It’s not always like this.
(To Di-gou)
: It’s not always like this.
JOANNE
(To Wilbur)
: You never let me talk! You even let
(Referring to Robert)
him talk, but you never let me talk!
(To Wilbur)
: You never let me talk! You even let
(Referring to Robert)
him talk, but you never let me talk!
AMA
(To Joanne, referring to Wilbur)
: He cannot deprive you of right to speak. Look. No gun.
(To Joanne, referring to Wilbur)
: He cannot deprive you of right to speak. Look. No gun.
ROBERT: Joanne, I have to tell this because Di-gou is here.
DI-GOU: Me?
JOANNE
(To Robert)
: You tell it to waiters!
(To Robert)
: You tell it to waiters!
ROBERT: Joanne, I want
(Referring to Di-gou)
him to understand America. The American Dream. From rags to kidnap victim.
(Referring to Di-gou)
him to understand America. The American Dream. From rags to kidnap victim.
JOANNE
(To Robert)
: Well, I don’t like you making Di-gou think that Wilbur’s a bum.
(To Robert)
: Well, I don’t like you making Di-gou think that Wilbur’s a bum.
WILBUR
(To Joanne)
: Dear, he doesn’t think that.
(To Joanne)
: Dear, he doesn’t think that.
JOANNE
(To Di-gou)
: You see, don’t you, Di-gou? This house. Wilbur bought this.
(To Di-gou)
: You see, don’t you, Di-gou? This house. Wilbur bought this.
DI-GOU: It is a palace.
JOANNE: It’s larger than Robert’s.
HANNAH: Joanne, how can you sink to my husband’s level?
ROBERT: My house would be larger, but we had to pay the ransom.
POPO: Waste of money.
JOANNE: Look, all of you always put down Wilbur. Well, look at what he’s done.
WILBUR
(To Joanne)
: Just shut up, all right?
(To Joanne)
: Just shut up, all right?
JOANNE
(To Wilbur)
: Well, if you’re not going to say it.
(To Wilbur)
: Well, if you’re not going to say it.
WILBUR: I don’t need you to be my PR firm.
ROBERT
(To anybody)
: He doesn’t have a PR firm. We do. Tops firm.
(To anybody)
: He doesn’t have a PR firm. We do. Tops firm.
JOANNE
(To Wilbur)
: Let me say my mind!
(To Wilbur)
: Let me say my mind!
WILBUR: There’s nothing in your mind worth saying.
JOANNE: What?
WILBUR: Face it, honey, you’re boring.
AMA
(To Wilbur)
:At least she does not torture!
(To Wilbur)
:At least she does not torture!
WILBUR: Please! No more talking about torture, all right?
AMA: All right. I will be quiet. No need to torture me.
POPO
(To Di-gou)
: This small family disagreement.
(To Di-gou)
: This small family disagreement.
JOANNE: So I’m boring, huh?
WILBUR
(To Joanne)
: Look, let’s not do this here.
(To Joanne)
: Look, let’s not do this here.
POPO
(To Di-gou)
: But power of God will overcome this.
(To Di-gou)
: But power of God will overcome this.
JOANNE: I’m boring—that’s what you’re saying?
HANNAH: Joanne! Not in front of Di-gou!
JOANNE
(To Di-gou)
: All right. You’re objective. Who do you think is more boring?
(To Di-gou)
: All right. You’re objective. Who do you think is more boring?
DI-GOU: Well, I can hardly—
WILBUR: Please, Joanne.
POPO
(To Di-gou)
: Do you understand how power of God will overcome this?
(To Di-gou)
: Do you understand how power of God will overcome this?
JOANNE
(Referring to Wilbur)
: He spends all his time with machines, and he calls me boring!
(Referring to Wilbur)
: He spends all his time with machines, and he calls me boring!
AMA: Di-gou, see the trials of this world?
WILBUR
(To Joanne)
: Honey, I’m sorry, all right?
(To Joanne)
: Honey, I’m sorry, all right?
JOANNE: Sure, you’re sorry.
AMA
(To Di-gou)
: Argument, fight, no-good husbands.
(To Di-gou)
: Argument, fight, no-good husbands.
WILBUR: “No-good husbands”?
(Robert, in disgust, exits into the house.)
AMA
(To Di-gou)
: Turn your eyes from this.
(To Di-gou)
: Turn your eyes from this.
(Popo and Ama turn Di-gou’s eyes from the fight.)
JOANNE
(To Wilbur, referring to Ama)
: She’s right, you know.
(To Wilbur, referring to Ama)
: She’s right, you know.
WILBUR: All right, honey, let’s discuss this later.
JOANNE: Later! Oh, right.
(Wilbur runs off into the house; Joanne yells after him:)When we’re with
your
family, that’s when you want to talk about my denting the Ferrari.
HANNAH: Joanne! Don’t be so boring!
JOANNE
(To Hannah)
: With
our
family, it’s “later.”
(To Hannah)
: With
our
family, it’s “later.”
AMA
(To Di-gou)
: Look up to God!
(To Di-gou)
: Look up to God!
(Popo and Ama force Di-gou to look up
.
)
DI-GOU: Please!
(Di-gou breaks away from the sisters’ grip, but they knock him down .)
POPO: Now—is time to join family in Heaven.
AMA: Time for you to return to God.
HANNAH
(To Joanne)
: Look—they’re converting Di-gou.
(To Joanne)
: Look—they’re converting Di-gou.
POPO: Return. Join us for eternity.
AMA: Pray now.
(Popo and Ama try to guide Di-gou to the neon cross.)
DI-GOU: Where are we going?
AMA: He will wash you in blood of the lamb.
POPO: Like when you are a child. Now! You bow down!
HANNAH: Ask God for His forgiveness.
JOANNE: You won’t regret it, Di-gou.
DI-GOU: Do you mind?
(He breaks away)
(He breaks away)
POPO: Why will you not accept Him?
AMA: There is no good reason.
DI-GOU: I want to take responsibility for my own life.
POPO: You cannot!
AMA: Satan is rule your life now.
DI-GOU: I am serving the people.
AMA: You are not.
POPO: You serve them, they all die, go to Hell. So what?
DI-GOU: How can you abandon China for this Western religion?
AMA: It is not.
DI-GOU: There is no God!
(Pause.)
AMA: There is too much Communist demon in him. We must cast out demon.
POPO: Now, tie him on table.
DI-GOU: This is ridiculous. Stop this.
(Ama and Popo grab Di-gou, tie him on the table.)
POPO: We have too much love to allow demon to live.
DI-GOU: What?
POPO
(To Joanne and Hannah, who are hesitating)
: Now!
(To Joanne and Hannah, who are hesitating)
: Now!
DI-GOU: You can’t—!
POPO: Now! Or demon will escape!
AMA: We must kill demon.
POPO: Shoot him!
AMA: Kill for good.
POPO: Make demon into
jok
!
jok
!
DI-GOU: This is barbaric! You live with the barbarians, you become one yourself!
POPO: Di-gou, if we do not punish your body, demon will never leave.
AMA: Then you will return to China.
POPO: And you will die.
AMA: Go to Hell.
POPO: And it will be too late.
DI-GOU: I never expected Chinese children to tie down their elders.
(Di-gou is now securely tied to the table.)
HANNAH: All right. We’re ready.
POPO: Now—give your testimony.
DI-GOU: I’ll just lie here and listen, thank you.
AMA: You tell of God’s mercies to you.
JOANNE: How He let you out of China.
AMA: Where you are torture.
JOANNE: Whipped.
POPO: After thirty year, He let you out. Praise Him!
DI-GOU: I will never do such a thing!
HANNAH: If you wait too long, He’ll lose patience.
POPO: Now—tell of your trip with See-goh-poh.
AMA: The trip which began your faith.
DI-GOU: I was only eight years old. I don’t remember.
POPO: Tell how many were convert on her tour.
HANNAH: Tell them, Di-gou.
DI-GOU: I cannot.
JOANNE: Why? Just tell the truth.
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