True Love (42 page)

Melinda’s been here two weeks already and still no remission. I thought it would happen more quickly. She’s getting the newest drugs, the most powerful weapons science has against leukemia, but remission remains elusive. Her cancer still lurks
,
like a crouching lion, in her blood tests. How do I fight an enemy I can’t see? How do I balance being Melinda’s mother and her guardian? I know I hold on too tight. I can’t help it
.

I come here to pray. For strength. For healing. For wisdom. Sometimes the night seems endless and the days too rushed. Oh, what I’d give to go back to my mundane life of schlepping my daughter to dance rehearsals, of grocery shopping, summer cookouts, and busywork. I miss Lenny when he flies out for days at a time. I miss my life. I want Melinda well and whole. And home
.

Yes, I want her home!

M
ELINDA’S
D
IARY

August 4

I promise to be nicer to Mom. It’s not her fault I’m stuck here (unless leukemia turns out to be genetic, then it IS all her fault! A little humor). I don’t know why I take it out on her. I can see how it hurts her, but I’m nasty anyway. Bad ME! But I will do better. I swear!

A
UDIO
T
RANSCRIPTION BY
D
R
. L
EIGH
N
EELY
, O
NCOLOGIST, FOR
I
NSERTION INTO
M
EDICAL
F
ILE OF
M
ELINDA
S
KYE
:

Melinda Skye’s case continues to prove stubborn. I’m adjusting her protocols and will introduce SGX-243. It’s experimental, but she fits the parameters of suggested use and I believe her case calls for it. Will monitor her closely for the adverse side effects mentioned in the drug studies. Her family continues to be supportive and open to treatment options. Melinda is a strong-willed girl with above-average intelligence that will serve her well during the difficult months ahead. Submitted: 8:10
P.M
., August 4

M
ELINDA’S
D
IARY

August (whatever!)

I absolutely, positively, categorically WILL NOT spend my birthday in this hospital. I told Dr. Neely this morning to either fix me or cut me loose, because I want OUT. He said he’s trying something new. I hope so, because I’m so sick of this place I could scream
.

Elana’s Journal

August 5

Dr. Neely told
us
that he wants to try a new drug on Melinda because he’s not getting the “required results” from other drugs. The new medication is part of a clinical trial and, according to him, results have been promising. It’s a hard choice to make. Lenny’s more daring than I and he wants to give the go-ahead. I’m more hesitant
.

The side effects sound grim—weight gain, bleeding gums, sudden nosebleeds, brittle bones. The
brittle bones part scares me the most. Doesn’t anyone realize that she can’t ever dance if her bones begin to break? Lenny reminds me that these are potential side effects, and that Melinda may not experience any of them. Dr. Neely says she’ll be closely monitored and that once remission is achieved, the dosage will be decreased and eventually he will wean her off of it and onto a more standardized regimen
.

My foot-dragging has caused friction between Lenny and me. I don’t like that, because we really need to lean on each other. I don’t know what to do. Lenny wants it. Dr. Neely wants it. Melinda wants it. I’m the only holdout. I want Melinda well, but at what cost?

M
ELINDA’S
D
IARY

August 10

That Bailey is such a nut! Today she brought a stack of teen magazines and her entire brand-new school wardrobe to model for me. She had drawn up a chart listing the clothes and three columns:
Consider It, Burn It, Buy It.
As she modeled each piece, I checked off my opinion. Then she said she’d go shopping for me and get the things I liked best. That way, I’ll have new clothes for school without ever setting foot inside a store. And of course, they’ll be “of the moment” because Bailey’s so hip about fashion
.

It really perked my day. Even Mom got into it and offered her opinions. She said she’d give Bailey the money to get whatever I wanted. What we didn’t say out loud is that I won’t be starting school on time. I’m trying not to think about that because we have to “wait and see” until I know how I handle my treatments. (Or is it how they handle me?)

I started the new drug combos today and I think I feel better already. (That’s the power of positive thinking!) Mom finally caved, but I know she’s not thrilled about it. Dad and I ganged up on her—unfair, but necessary. It’s MY body and MY disease. I said, “Experiment on me. Please. Just get me out of here!”

It looks like I won’t be shaving my legs for a long, long time. “Chemo hair loss” means more than saying goodbye to the hair on top of my head. My eyebrows are gone and so are my eyelashes (not to
mention body hair in very private places!). Dr. Neely says it’ll grow back when chemo’s over, but for now I look smooth and round as a pumpkin. I’m glad I’m in the school’s homebound program and everyone can’t see what a freak-a-zoid I’ve become. I refuse to go to school until I look better NO MATTER WHAT
.

TO:
Ballerina Girl

Subject:
New Meds

I’m betting this new drug will be the one! I just feel it deep inside me. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.

Got a long letter from my dad saying how much he wants me to be a part of his family. He says that Donna’s boys are like sons to him, but I’m his REAL son and that makes him proud. I want to say, “Well, how about my REAL mother? She’s half of me too.” He can’t just take the part he wants and forget the part he doesn’t want. Life doesn’t work that way. I haven’t written him back because I honestly don’t know what to say. He expects to walk back into my life after all this time and pick up where we left off. It can’t be
done. I’m not seven anymore. And he’s a different person than the one I worshiped back then.

Write soon, Jesse

TO:
Jesse

Subject:
Parents

I know what you’re saying. There was a time when I thought Mom and Dad knew everything, but now I know they don’t. Sometimes they look as scared as I feel. That rocked me the first time I realized it. Mom still sleeps here at night. Can you believe it? I’ve told her it’s okay for her to go home and come back the next day. She won’t. Then it hit me: She can’t make my leukemia go away and this is all she has to offer me. Her presence. So I’ve stopped telling her I’m fine without her at night. She needs to be here for reasons of her own.

Maybe your dad needs to feel like he’s still a part of your life instead of the parent who checked out and missed all those years of you growing
up. Maybe he’s trying to make up for what he can’t go back and change.

Forgive me. I’ve been talking to Dr. Sanchez (the shrink) too much! I see deep meaning in everything. Too much time to lie around thinking … that’s all.

Philosophically yours, Melinda

A
UDIO
T
RANSCRIPTION BY
D
R
. N
EELY FOR
I
NSERTION INTO
M
EDICAL
F
ILE OF
M
ELINDA
S
KYE:

Latest labs indicate that SGX-243 is working for Melinda Skye. There’s a dramatic turnaround. Her spinal fluid is clear, her white blood count is near normal, and healthy red cells are proliferating. While I’m heartened by the results, I know the treatment can’t be repeated. Let’s hope it holds. Submitted: 10:07
P.M
. August 20

TO:
All Concerned

Subject:
Success!