True Love (51 page)

Flow cytometric immunophenotypic studies demonstrated a population of beta lymphocytes, which expressed the CD19 and CD20 antigens.

Cytochemistry was positive for TdT, further corroborating a lymphoblastic process. The findings represent a relapse of acute lymphoblastic leukemia in this patient.
Prognosis poor, after so brief a remission
.

Stephen R. Jones, M.D. Pathologist

I cried when I heard your news. I know it isn’t macho, but I couldn’t help it. Later, I went to the tennis courts and pounded the fuzz off a ball on the backboards. I hit the ball until I couldn’t lift my arm and then I smashed the racket on the concrete. It didn’t help. I’m still angry
.

It’s not fair that you’re still fighting leukemia and that you have to go through chemo all over again. I’ll call you so we can talk
.

Jesse

TO:
All Concerned

Subject:
Melinda

This is one message I never wanted to write. According to Melinda’s doctor, our daughter’s cancer has returned. Apparently when this kind of leukemia recurs after such a brief remission, chances for another remission aren’t so good. She begins a new round of chemo, but the magic drug they used before can’t be used a second time. It’s too toxic. What do they consider uncontrolled leukemia?

We ask you once again to keep our daughter in your thoughts and prayers. We’ll keep you posted.

Lenny & Elana

Elana’s Journal

April 10

I’m out of the habit of writing in this thing.… I got lazy, confident I’d not need to write in it. But now I turn to pouring out my feelings here once more because I am confused and, yes, angry too. We did exactly as we were told. Melinda endured months of chemo, but now it seems that those months were for nothing. Her disease has returned, and this time her doctors don’t act enthusiastic about her recovery. I’m smarter now. Before, I accepted all they said with a child’s innocence. Now I know that medicine does not have all the answers. I know that doctors are not gods and that victims aren’t just statistics
.

Her doctors don’t always look me in the eye when we talk. I think it’s because they’ve thrown
everything they have in their arsenal of drugs and potions at Melinda, and they’ve come to discover that her cancer is still stronger than their chemical weapons
.

Lenny and I feel helpless. We watch her go through the same courses of drugs again. They didn’t work before. Why would they work now? We have not yet told Melinda about the grimness, because she’s struggling hard to endure the course. I can’t rob her of hope. Neither can I consider the alternative
.

M
ELINDA’S
D
IARY
April 25

I feel like I’m locked in a time warp. Didn’t I just go through all this torture? I really thought it was over, but it isn’t. The doctors come at me with terrible drugs that make me so sick. Stronger doses and longer treatments. And this time, I have to stay in the hospital 24/7. Still, my enemy doesn’t retreat
.

I’ve given up school. Too sick to even think about dance and the Denver offer. A dream come true and I’m too sick to consider it. Mom says I can make up
school this summer, but that would mean not dancing in Denver
.

Sometimes I think Mom and Dad are keeping secrets from me. What could be more terrible than this? If it wasn’t for Jesse’s constant e-mails, I would go insane
.

Bailey’s Diary

April 27

I think it’s my fault that Melinda’s sick again. I’ve wished so hard and long for Jesse to be mine that the dark side of the universe heard my secret thoughts and allowed her sickness to return. Now I’m begging for her to get well and never be struck with cancer again. I have given up my hopeless love for Jesse (cross my heart). I would give up anything else I have if only she would get well. Please, please, let Melinda be all right
.

May 3

We miss you, dear Melinda. The class is less lively, less competitive without your spirit of excellence to spur us on. Please know that we think of you every day and that all your friends and classmates look forward to your return to health and our studio. Keep up the fight. We’re on the sidelines cheering for you
.

All your friends at the Atlanta School of Ballet

May 15

After speaking with your mother tonight, I know you will not be coming to Denver next month. I am sad for you, for your family, for our dance company, and for the world of ballet. But once you have beaten this monster, tell me and you will have another opportunity at an apprenticeship. I promise this. Your talent is pure and bright, and on the stage of life, you shine like a star
.

With affection,
Natalie Blackbird

Elana’s Journal

May 25

Dr. Neely brought Lenny and me into his office today to say what we already know. Nothing is working for Melinda. “What now?” Lenny asked
.

“A bone marrow transplant may be her only hope,” Dr. Neely said
.

“Tell us more,” I said. And he did. He said that the best transplants are usually between siblings, but that because Melinda has no brother or sister, a parent could be considered. He suggested that both Lenny and I be tested to determine who would be the best donor. Naturally, Lenny and I agreed to be tested immediately
.

But Dr. Neely also warned us that the procedure is risky, especially in Melinda’s weakened condition. He told us that her immune system must be totally destroyed, leaving her vulnerable to even the normally most harmless germs, but that unless her immune system is taken out, her body will reject the transplant automatically. Even if the new
bone marrow takes hold, she will have to take anti-rejection medications for the rest of her life. In short, there is great risk in this procedure, but he feels it is our daughter’s) only chance
.

We have not told Melinda yet about the transplant possibility. Lenny is withdrawn and remote, and we are both frightened by our choices. Destroying Melinda’s immune system is a huge risk. Yet not doing the transplant seems to be a bigger one. How can we gamble with our daughter’s life?

M
ELINDA’S
D
IARY

June 1

How much longer am I going to be stuck in this hospital? I feel like an animal in a cage. I want out. I want to go home
.

June 3

Jesse called again and just hearing his voice made me feel better. He said he’s got a job bagging
groceries six days a week because he wants to save up all the money he can. I thought about his plans to come to Atlanta this summer. I think about a lot of things these days. I have nothing else to do. I can’t concentrate on reading books, and daytime TV is pathetic. I’m the only person my age up here, so there’s no one to talk to except Mom. Sometimes Bailey comes, but I know she wishes she wasn’t here. I can’t blame her. I wish I wasn’t here either
.

Elana’s Journal

June 3

Blood work results came back and it looks as if I’m the better match for the transplant. I want to tell Melinda, but Lenny says to wait until he returns from Europe, because he has so
m
ething to talk about. I’m relieved about the test and for the first time in months, I feel hopeful. If my marrow takes, then Melinda really can be cancer-free
.

June 6

Lenny and I had the worst fight we’ve ever had. While in Geneva, he looked into a special cancer clinic where extreme cases of the disease are treated. He talked with the head of the facility and now wants to transfer Melinda to Switzerland. I’m horrified. How can he even consider such a thing? I don’t want our child treated by potential charlatans and quacks with hocus-pocus herbs and questionable medical procedures
.

“And this way is better?” he shouted
.

“Bone marrow transplants are proven cures,” I shouted back
.

“If she doesn’t die getting the treatment,” he yelled
.

We stood staring at each other because that’s the first time either of us had used that word in a sentence: D/E. Melinda might D/E
.

M
ELINDA’S
D
IARY

June 6

Something’s going on between Mom and Dad. Something bad. They hardly speak to each other and I can cut the tension with a knife when they’re in the room together. This is my fault. They’re having problems because of me and I don’t know what to do about it
.

I told Jesse and he said he thinks my family’s one of the strongest he’s ever known and I’m worrying for nothing. I hope he’s right
.

Elana’s Journal

June 7

Dr. Neely is negative about the clinic idea, because he feels that it’s the wrong choice medically. I told Lenny that Melinda must be told of her options—the transplant or the European clinic. Lenny wants us to decide, because Melinda’s still a minor. But I don’t feel that way. She’s almost sixteen and should have a say-so. I also feel that the choice is the only power she holds over her illness. Lenny doesn’t agree with me
.

While Lenny and I are at this impasse, Melinda’s losing ground. A decision needs to be made … and soon!

M
ELINDA’S
D
IARY

June 7

Dr. Neely brought a woman named Jennifer to meet me today. She’s twenty, but she had leukemia when she was eight and underwent a bone marrow transplant when she was twelve. Today, she is well and fine, goes to college and plays serious tennis. She really impressed me and after she was gone, I asked Dr. Neely if he thought a bone marrow transplant might work for me. He said, “It’s a possibility.”

I asked Mom and Dad about it and that’s when I found out what’s been going on between them. “You’re fighting over what I should do?” I asked. “Don’t you think I should be consulted?”