True Heroes (74 page)

              “I always had that choice.”

              “The world never gave you that choice.”

              “How do you know?”

              “You were always afraid, but never vain. You bubbled with sweetness, but took pills to dismantle potential anxiety. I always knew you were better than me and that your trust was on my back, but you always placed your life in destiny. Whatever happened, happened. You’d never change it or complain. The world laid me, a mixed bag of feelings, and adolescent dreams at your feet, and you never once considered fighting the good fight. There was always something wrong with you, and I saw some piece of that and tried to fix it. Your mind was never meant to take the strain of my ideals. My promises.”

              “Maybe your promises were all that kept me going.”

              “That’s not true.”

              “It could be.”

              “You hated me for twenty years. My first promise to you was snapped.”

              “Maybe I hated myself.”

              “I destroyed your self.”

              “You shaped me.”

              “And you’re dead.” The feet suddenly shifted, along with the image. “You are too.”

              “This is a slippery slope. You couldn’t save me.”

              “I was out. It was an arbitrary night.”

              “You were out. You had no chance of knowing.”

              “I could’ve stayed. We could’ve stayed in and had popcorn, movies, blankets stretched across feet and cuddling couples and cold water and witty dialogue, and I could’ve stopped him. I could’ve stopped a chain that stretched from him.”

              “You can’t blame him.”

              “I could.”

              “No, you’ve never been able to blame anyone but yourself.”

              “I am the prism of action.”

              “You are a man.”

              “Precisely. I am not a man.”

              “Should I be proud of you?”

              “How could you be? What have I done that would evoke pride?”

              “You have lived, and you have tried to live.”

              “I was born with life in my bones. Everything about me is natural.”

              “And yet you strive for more. Why?”

              “Because the people around me deserve more.”

              “It’s not about what they deserve.”

              “It’s about what the world will give them. I was given something, and it, as much as anything, wills me to the right thing. Here, the right thing is aligned with them.”

              “You are the world, then.”

              “Unfortunately for them.”

              “How could I not be proud of that? How could we not be proud of that?”

              “We?”

              The feet changed again. Leather shoes and grey, seamed dress pants took the place of casual slacks. “I am too.”

              “You have the least reason of all to be.”

              “How do figure?”

              “If there is any dispute over my responsibility of deaths, it disappears with you.”

              “That doesn’t affect my pride in the slightest.”

              “Is the prisoner proud of the man who flips the switch?”

              “Imagine that ambition: to take a life with a series of simple actions. The only question that should ever matter to you is why did you do it?”

              “How do I answer that?”

              “With a statement.”

              “Could one statement encapsulate the truth?”

              “If it is indeed the truth, then yes.”

              “You’re asking me to place myself in a truth. To place my entire mind to a fixed, past point that, although it sticks out like a cactus without a shadow, has become nearly fuzzy in my years. I’m not even sure if the absolute truth is attainable from a distance in either direction of time; actually, this is a fact. The only truth I can know is of the here, the now, but if I remember the ‘then,’ can I not extrapolate some truth? The night was all around me, I recall, and I was filled with what could be called its essence. I wanted to be the night, and I stumbled upon you. My supposed brother gave me strength and vigor; I was suddenly a righteous, self-sufficient judicial system with no need for appeals. Naturally, when your life was in my hands, when I deceived myself with a lie like a cloud atop the moon fooling a child, I didn’t do the right thing. Perhaps that’s why: I thought I was doing the right thing.”

              “Not for revenge?”

              “I thought they were synonymous concepts at the time.”

              “Not for justice?”

              “Again, synonymous.”

              “Just because it was the apparent right thing to do. You screamed. I remember you screamed.”

              “You can’t remember anything.”

              “You did scream though.”

              “I did.”

              “Was that the right thing to do?”

              “It was a lie; a scream meant to stop myself from doing something unspeakable, only done because it was the last thing I could think to do.”

              “Where were you then?”

              “I was where I am now: floating above the center on a cloud of condescension.”

              The feet walked away towards the edge of the strange nature. “You’re wrong.”

              “About?”

              “You’re nowhere near where you sat that night. You’re right in the middle this time.”

              There was a steady rustling ahead of him as the figure behind disappeared. From behind the blue veil, a small figure emerged and stood tall. “Even from the inside, your eyes are the deepest brown anyone could imagine.”

              “Which one of you thinks that?”

              “Caleb thought it, but we both feel it.”

              Alice stepped to the edge of bent branches and smiled largely. “That’s cute. If I knock on the side of this thing, will that be cute? Or annoying? Seems like it’d give you a headache if I hit hard enough.”

              Caleb opened his eyes and smiled calmly. “I’m sure the door’s open for you.”

              Alice reached her hand forward before her body. “What’s it feel like? Jell-O, I bet. Like swimming in Jell-O, like when you were a kid and would always dream of that. I should be walking in now shouldn’t I? Eh, okay.” She passed through the small membrane and continued to walk with her eyes closed. “It’s not jelly at least.”

              “Do you see that?”

              “Yeah.”

              “Wait, what? See what?”

              Caleb stood and marveled. “Open your eyes. You’ll see it too.”

              She did. “I’m glowing. Green. That’s a random color.”

              Caleb separated her waves from his; finding the truth between his own inferences. “No, you’re glowing yellow. I’m glowing blue. According the color wheel, we make green.”

              “Apparently a very bright green; reminiscent of Irish grass on a summer’s day.”

              “We’re an Emerald Isle.”

              Alice laughed as she walked forward with her hands gently teasing the waves around her head. “That makes us sound like eco-people. Why am I yellow?”

              Power materialized its body beside Caleb. “We haven’t gotten any closer to finding that out since we first saw you.”

              “Sure we have,” Caleb gently urged Power to separate the small ions of solid green tint from her face. “You’re a sun. The gravity gave you away.”

              Alice hopped forward and was within a few inches of them both. “You calling me fat?”

              He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “You don’t need to be to influence everyone around you.”

              “What does that make you then, Mr. Blue?”

              They both turned to Power. “I suppose we’re Earth in this metaphor.”

              “I suppose we are.” Her hands were suddenly on his chest and her eyes pouted upwards. “What is it?”

              “You haven’t kissed me in two days. It’s okay if it’s old, or if you’ve got something on your mind….”

              “No, it’s not old.”

              “Your mind?”

              Caleb sighed. “Is full of things. Problems.”

              “Gravity.”

              He ignored his power’s input. “They shouldn’t be affecting you, I’m sorry. And we have kissed.”

              “I’ve kissed you, yeah, but you used to kiss me. The ratio changed, and I got worried.”

              He half-smiled. “I forgot I was dating Andrew.”

              “Should I not worry about it? I mean, I’m open to criticism, you know that.”

              “Why would I criticize you for feeling something?”

              “You haven’t been saying much since the other day. I don’t really need to hear much. Maybe that it’s okay? That we’re okay?”

              Caleb looked down to her new shoes; “A pair of gym shoes she bought on a whim.”

              “Your mouth didn’t move. Those were thoughts?”

              “My thoughts are loud and clear in here, just like yours.”

              “Can we stay in here more often?”

              Caleb smiled for a moment. “I’m afraid not.” He held her hand tightly. “I can’t tell you I’m all right.”

              “Are we?”

              “No, we aren’t. We can’t be.”

              “We were earlier. Why can’t we be now?”

              “Because I was deceiving myself. I’m no good for you, Alice.”

              “This again?”

              “This always. History says that I will fail you at the point when you need me most.”

              “You don’t know that. You can’t know that.”

              “Even the chance of it is too distressing to stand.”

              She found his other hand quickly. “You can’t tell me and everyone else something and then turn around and throw it out the window; it doesn’t work like that. What happened to being strong, to leading us?”

              “That hasn’t changed. I haven’t changed. Everything is still where it needs to be, but everything is in my head at once. My guilty past is still weighing me down.”

              She stood on her toes, allowing her eyes to finally capture his. “Everybody needs you.”

              “Nobody would disagree with that.”

              “He doesn’t want to be here, Alice.” Neither one of them bothered to turn to Power as it spoke. “The fear of failing you is overtaking his crippled psyche. I told you. I told you both.”

              “Shut up!” Caleb’s shout reverberated violently against his own dome.

              “Is it true?”

              “Look at her face…you’ve already failed her…,” Caleb spoke finally. “If I left, it wouldn’t be the wrong thing.”

              “How in the world would it be right? How is you leaving us after helping right?”

              “Because you don’t need me anymore.”

              “How the hell do you know that?” Her eyes wavered slightly. “Every thought I have comes spewing out like a leaky faucet, and still I’ve never said anything close to those words. I’ve never even thought of the possibility of being without you…my heart.” She started breathing deeply.

              “Stop this torture!” Power was around her, helping her body recover in any way that it could. Caleb willed it off her. “Let me help her!”

              “Alice,” he gently held her head between his hands. “I can’t stay here until I’m perfect. I won’t risk you in anything.”

              Her hands shot up to his face. “I love you, Caleb. I love you, I love you, I love you, I can’t help but love you! You’re perfect to me, to everyone but you. Even…even to you, you should be! What else is there to work on? What could possibly hurt me? You wouldn’t ever. Why does it even matter if you do? It doesn’t to me. I love you.”

              Caleb felt his neck weaken. “I’m afraid of failing you, of even losing you. Please, if those words aren’t true, don’t say them.”

              Alice, keeping tears back, gripped under his ears. “I swear to you I’ve never said a more true thing.”

              “I can’t say them back…I can’t love her when I hate myself so much…. When I could destroy myself at any time….”

              “Is that what you think?”

              Caleb looked her in the eyes, pushing his strength to seem steady even under the emotional freedom of his power. “That’s a logical imperative. If I can’t be better, I’m sorry but I won’t risk you. I won’t risk the responsibility of those penultimate words. If you mean them, please, just please, be patient.”