Troubles and Treats (14 page)

“The cops were at our house for two hours questioning Drew.  It was so embarrassing. 
I’m sure all of the neighbors saw the police car in our driveway,” I complain to Liz
as I add a new blog post to her store’s website.

“Right.  Like THAT is the most mortifying thing your neighbors have ever seen in your
driveway,” she replies as she uses a knife to slice through the tape on top of one
of the boxes of inventory that was just delivered.

“That Halloween two years ago was an accident.  I didn’t realize body paint was flammable,
and Drew got a little too close to the jack-o-lanterns we carved,” I explain as I
turn around in the computer chair to help Liz remove some of the items from the box.

“Drew stopped, dropped, and rolled naked in your neighbor’s front yard.  Didn’t he
catch their maple tree on fire?”

I pull out three packages of piña colada lube and set them off to the side.  “It was
a small maple tree.  Not a big one.  And the fire was out quickly.  It wasn’t that
big of a deal.”

Liz pushes the empty box away and pulls up another one and cuts it open.

“I think it’s a big deal when you’re both standing in your neighbor’s front yard with
nothing on but glitter body paint,” Liz says with a laugh.

“Still, I can’t believe he threatened someone.  And a psychiatric person at that. 
Like the guy doesn’t have enough problems being crazy?  Now he has my husband to worry
about.  What if Drew sending him that email pushed him over the edge and he goes on
a killing spree or something?”

“He is a
psychiatrist,
not a psychiatric person.  He’s not crazy; he helps crazy
people
.  It sounds like Drew should be his patient,” Liz deadpans.

“He was listening to a self-help CD.  Did I tell you that part?  It was called: How
to Bring the Spark Back to Your Marriage.  We’ve lost our spark,” I sob.

“I love you, but don’t cry.  I will punch you in the face if you cry.  I don’t do
criers.  You have not lost your spark.  It’s just…temporarily on vacation,” she explains
as she unpacks the box.

“Why the hell did it go on vacation?  I never said it could go on vacation!  I need
my spark, Liz.  You don’t understand.  I need my spark to live!” I wail.

“It sounded to me like you found quite the spark at the vibrator race,” Liz laughs. 
“You got a standing ovation during the awards ceremony.  People have been asking me
where they can buy the video.”

“Well, we’re already under contract with the company we entered the home movie contest
with so I’d have to check with them and see.  It might be a conflict of incest,” I
tell her.

“Jenny.  For the love of God, think before you speak.  Just say what you want to say
in your head first before you open your mouth,” Liz tells me seriously.

“What?  Incest means that you’re related, right?  Drew and I are related.”

Liz stops unpacking the box and stares at me in horror.

“What.  The.  Fuck?”

I roll my eyes at her and take the package of Jack Rabbits out of her hand.  “Um,
hello?  We’re husband and wife.  So we’re related.  And you think I’m dumb.”

Liz puts her head in her hands and whimpers to herself.  I lean over and pat her on
the back in sympathy.  “It’s okay, things confuse me sometimes too.”

“What should I do, Liz?  I tried the faking it thing, and I thought that worked, but
the next two times I suggested doing it again he said no.  He actually turned me down! 
He says he misses my vagina but I think he’s lying.  I used to have such an awesome
vagina.  What if it’s not awesome anymore?  I need a second opinion.  Liz, look at
my vagina.”

Liz stands up from the box and starts backing away.

“Take it back,” she states.

“No, really, I think this is what I need.  I need someone who will be honest with
me.  Look at my vagina,” I tell her as I start unbuttoning my jeans.

Liz throws her hands up in the air and bumps into a shelf against the wall, vibrators
and lube falling to the ground.  “Back away, Jenny.  Just back away and no one will
get hurt.”

I get my pants unzipped and push them down to the middle of my thighs.

Good thing I wore my good underwear today.

“Just one look, that’s all I’m asking.  Just look at my vagina and tell me if it still
looks okay or if it’s a hot mess,” I plead.

“Oh my God, my eyes, MY EYES!” Liz yells, covering her face with her hands.

“Liz, LOOK AT MY VAGINA!” I shout as I hobble closer to her and my jeans slide down
to my knees.  “I AM NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL YOU LOOK AT MY VAGINA!”

I hear a gasp and turn around to see Jim standing in the doorway staring at us.  I
put my hands on my hips and glare at him.  “Move along, Jim.  There’s nothing to see
here.”

He shakes his head back and forth, his eyes never blinking as he looks from me to
Liz and then back again.

“I’ve dreamed of this moment,” he whispers.  “I’ve prayed, I’ve wished on stars, I’ve
wished on pennies in wishing wells…my prayers have been answered.  God is good.”

Liz huffs and walks around behind me, grabbing onto my jeans and yanking them back
up over my ass.

“Nooooooo,” Jim whimpers.  “They’re supposed to go the other way.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, close your mouth.  Turn around, walk out of this room right now,
and never speak of this again,” Liz warns him as I button and zip my jeans.

“My dreams…shattering right before my eyes,” Jim says with a sad sigh as he turns
and leaves.

Liz comes around in front of me and grabs my shoulders.  “You are fine, your vagina
is fine, and you are going to forget all about this shit and come with me and Claire
to the Blossom Music Festival this weekend.”

I start to shake my head ‘No’ and she puts her hand over my mouth when I open it to
protest.  “You are coming with us.  End of story.  We’ll have a girl’s night, drink
a lot of beer, listen to '80s cover bands and find your spark.  I’m sure it will be
at the bottom of the third cup of beer.  And if you ever ask me to look at your vagina
again, I will punch you in the uterus.”

~

“Pretty please?  Say it again.  Just one more time!” Claire tells the woman we just
met standing in line for beer.

The woman laughs and says, “Put another shrimp on the Barbie!”

Liz, Claire, and I laugh hysterically and jump up and down with excitement.  I’m not
really sure if it’s the beer that makes this funny or if it really is funny.  The
woman in front of us is from Australia and we’ve spent our fifteen minutes in line
getting her to say Australian things.

“Okay, okay, I’ve got one.  Say, ‘Fosters.  Australian for beer,’” Claire says with
a snort.

The woman laughs and does as she’s asked without complaint.

“Oh my God I love you!  You are our new best friend!” Claire tells her.

“Oooh, my turn!” I say excitedly as I finally think of something for her to say. 
“Say, ‘Sucky, sucky, five dolla.  Me love you long time!’”

Everyone just looks at me funny.  “What?”

“That’s not Australian, dumbass.  I don’t even know what the fuck that is!” Liz says
with a laugh.

We order our beers and make our way over to the smoking section just outside of the
fence to go back into the concert.  We’ve spent the majority of the concert out here
drinking instead of trying to
navigate through
the crowd to get to our seats inside.  Since the music is so loud, we can hear it
just fine out here anyway.

“HEY!” I yell to a group of guys walking by our picnic table.  “LOOK AT MY VAGINA!”

Claire smacks my hand down from making a ‘V’ with two of my fingers.  “What the hell
are you doing?!”

I scope out the crowd for more people who look willing and able.

“VAGINA!” I shout to a couple walking hand-in-hand to the table next to us.  They
immediately turn and head in another direction.

“Oh sweet Jesus, she’s lost her mind,” I hear Liz tell Claire.  “She thinks something
is wrong with her vagina.  She tried to get me to look at it the other day.”

There’s a guy all by himself two tables over.  I bet he’d appreciate the vagina. 
This beer is delicious.

“Wait, is that why Jim called Carter and was screaming about his dreams dying and
how he never gets what he wants?  Carter could barely understand a word he was saying.”

I take a big gulp of my drink and slam the cup down on top of the table.

“HEY!  VAGINA!” I yell to the guy by himself at the other table.

He looks at me strangely for a minute and then replies, “Uh, penis?”

“WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!” I cheer, jumping up out of my seat and attempting to do the running
man.  It doesn’t go so well and I fall flat on my ass.

“Who put the ground so fucking close to my ASS?!” I yell.

“Okay, I think she’s cut off,” Claire says as she gets up from the table and pulls
me up by my arms.

“Claire, will you look at my vagina?” I ask her as I put my head on her shoulder.

“What is the deal with you and vagina?  Is this your new favorite word or something?”
Claire asks as she helps me back to the table.

“Ass fuck, I told you.  She thinks something is wrong with her vagina and that’s why
she and Drew aren’t having sex or some shit like that,” Liz explains as I move my
head from Claire’s shoulder and rest it on top of the table.

“When was the last time you guys had sex?” Claire asks.

“Um, what day is it today?”

“It’s Saturday,” Claire answers.

“Last year.”

Liz grabs the back of my shirt and yanks me up.  “The fuck you say?”

I grab my beer and take another drink.

“Well, if we’re talking really good, awesome sex then yes.  Before the New Year when
I was pregnant with Billy.”

Liz lets out a sigh of relief.  “Okay, you had me scared there.  I thought you meant
an actual year.  So we’re just talking a few months then.  That’s not THAT big of
a deal.”

I stare at her in horror for a few minutes.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?  A few months?  That’s like ten years in human
years,” I complain.

“Actually, that’s like a few months in human years, moron.  It would be ten years
in dog years,” Liz informs me.

“What the fuck ever!  And you were right the first time.  It really has been a full
year.  Since before I got pregnant with Billy.  We used to do it like dogs.  All dirty
and rolling around in the grass and eating out of bowls and using leashes.  It was
hot,” I say with a sigh as I reminisce.

“This beer is coming right back up.  I can feel it,” Claire complains.

“It only got weird that one time Drew lifted his leg in the living room.  But it was
still awesome.  SO WHO WANTS TO LOOK AT MY VAGINA?!”

A bunch of guys walking by all start cheering.  One guy even yells back, “Vagina,
long live and prosper!”

Liz pulls my arms down to my sides and shushes me from yelling at the group of guys.

“You’re serious, aren’t you?  It’s been a whole fucking year?” she asks in shock.

I just nod my head sadly.

“You know what you and Drew need?  You two need a night out alone, just the two of
you without any kids.  When was the last time you guys went out on a date?” Claire
asks.

“What day is it?” I ask her.

“It’s still Saturday, asshat.”

I nod and start counting in my head.  “Saturday?  Then…last year.”

“Oh my fuck!  You guys haven’t been out on a date since before Billy was born either? 
Isn’t he like five months old?” Liz asks.

“No!  He’s a month old.  Wait, no.  Three months old.  Shit, what day is it?”

“SATURDAY!” Claire and Liz yell at the same time.  The guy sitting by himself at the
next table yells back, “VAGINA!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY VAGINA, YOU PERVERT!” I shout back to him.

I turn back around and face the girls.  “Okay, so Billy is something like four months
old or some shit.  It’s Wednesday, right?”

I think my beer has something funny in it.  I feel funny.  Funny is a funny word.

“Oh sweet mother of fucks,” Liz says with a sigh.  “So you and Drew haven’t been on
a date in months.  You haven’t done anything, just the two of you, in months.  Is
that correct?”

I nod my head and pick up my cup to find my beer gone.

“Who the fuck drank my beer?”

Liz takes
the
empty cup out of my hand and chucks it into the garbage can next to our table.

“I need a cigarette.  WHO’S GOT A CIGARETTE?!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

Don’t judge me. Sometimes I get the urge to smoke when I drink.  I think I read somewhere
that alcohol causes you to want to do things you shouldn’t, like rob a bank or kill
a hooker.  Wait, no.  I think that’s crack.