Troubles and Treats (12 page)

Once a month, the six of us try to get together for a game night.  We always say that
one of these times we should all get babysitters so the evening doesn’t include stopping
the game every few minutes to break up a fight between the girls and then forty-five
minutes of screaming and crying at the end of the night when it’s time to leave. 
For some reason, the weeks in between game nights make us forget about the fact that
we were supposed to get a babysitter.  It isn’t until the first blood curdling scream
comes from a bedroom or toy room that we remember.

Tonight we only have Veronica with us.  Drew’s dad still feels bad about making me
think he was a stalker so he’s offered babysitting services whenever we need it. 

He had told me as we were leaving to make sure I let Liz know how nice he is for offering
up his time for us.  He also mentioned to stress the fact that he is doing this out
of the goodness of his heart.  Drew’s mom had called me the other day and said that
whenever he leaves the house he runs as fast as he can to his car, gets in, and locks
the doors. 

I’m pretty sure Liz has scarred him for life.

We pull into Carter and Claire’s driveway and park behind Liz and Jim’s van.

“Honey, have you hugged your vagina today?” Drew asks me with a smirk as he turns
off the engine and pockets the keys.

“Will you stop it with that?  I already admitted that Dr. Madison was a bad idea. 
Stop reminding me,” I complain as I get out of the car and get Veronica unbuckled
from the back seat.

Drew has been teasing me nonstop about our botched marriage therapy session.  I don’t
understand how I could have judged Dr. Madison so wrong.

“Didn’t you Google her or anything first?  Find out what she was about?”

“Of course I did,” I say in exasperation as I grab Veronica’s hand and we walk up
the driveway.  “Her add in the newspaper said she was 'new age' and 'holyistic'. 
I didn’t understand the 'new age' thing.  I figured she was just an older woman who
wasn’t happy with getting older and instead of telling people her age, she just made
up something called ‘new age’.  Sort of like when babies are newly born.  Or like,
‘How old are you?’  ‘Oh, I’m new age!’

And being holyistic, you would think that therapy session would have centered more
around being holy and close to God.  We could use some holyistic in our marriage. 
We haven’t been to church in years.”

Drew closes his eyes and shakes his head as he rings the doorbell.  I know he totally
agrees with me and is just too annoyed about the whole therapy thing to say anything
else.

“It’s about time you got here!” Carter says as he opens the door.  “Charlotte and
Sophia have already pulled hair, clawed eyes out, and one of them shoved the other
into the bathtub and turned the shower on.  Not sure who did it since we found both
of them crying and sopping wet.”

Carter steps back and holds the door open for us so we can walk inside.

“Hey, man, nice shirt!” Jim states as he comes from around the corner into the living
room.

Tonight, in honor of game night, Drew is wearing the shirt I got him for Christmas
last year.  It’s got a picture of a Twister mat and says: How about a game of Twister? 
Right hand on my penis, left hand on my ass.

“Veronica, why don’t you go on back to the playroom and see what the girls are doing?”
I tell her as I bend down to help her remove her coat.

“Don’t tell me what to do, devil woman!”

I stand up and glare at Drew.

“What?  Can I help it if she has everything from ‘Billy Madison’ memorized?”

Veronica takes off running down the hall before I can scold her.  Technically it’s
Drew who needs scolding, but at this point there’s no use.

“Come on, everyone’s in the dining room,” Jim says as he turns and leads the way.

An hour later we’re in the middle of a game of Mad Gab.  I hate this game.  Well,
I hate it when it’s my turn because I never get any of them right.  But it is pretty
funny when it’s someone else’s turn.  On one side of the card is a popular phrase,
but the words are kind of jumbled together so you can’t tell right away what the phrase
is.  You have to say the words out loud over and over until it starts to sound like
the right phrase.  For example, the last one that was done, the card said: Abe Odd
Hull Luck Oak.  The answer, written on the back of the card was: A bottle of Coke.

“Alright, it’s Jenny’s turn,” Claire announces as she pulls a card from the box.

I groan, preparing for the fact that I will lose again.

Claire holds up the card and I read the words, mumbling them to myself.

“No, no, no.  You know the rules, Jenny.  Say them out loud,” Liz scolds.

I huff and start reading the words really slowly.  “Hiney…duck…hiss.  Hiney…duck…hiss.”

Liz is leaning over close to Claire so they can both see what the answer should be
and they are laughing hysterically.

“Hiney…duck…hiss.  Hiney duck hiss.  Hiney duck hiss,” I say, trying to say it a little
faster in the hopes that it will spark something in my mind.

Nope.

“Oh God, I can’t!” Liz laughs, holding on to her stomach and resting her forehead
on top of the table.  “Hiney duck!”

“Try saying it really, really fast,” Drew suggests, laughing as well.

“Hineyduckhiss.  Hineyduckhiss.  Hineyduckhiss.  This is dumb.  It makes no sense,”
I complain.  “Just tell me the answer.”

Claire continues to laugh as she turns the card around to show everyone the answer.

“I need a kiss?  You have got to be kidding me!”

I really hate this game.

“Oh, I told you guys about the charity thing I’m doing at the shop this weekend, right?”
Liz asks as she starts packing up Mad Gab to put it away.

“You mentioned something about it but refresh my memory,” Drew says as he leans back
in his chair and rests his arm on the back of mine.

“Well, you know how last year we did a silent auction and all the proceeds went to
The American Cancer Society?  I wanted to do something a little more outrageous this
year and with more of a theme that matches my store.  So, I am having a vibrator race,”
Liz announces.

“Whoa, really?” Drew asks.  “Is that legal?”

“Why wouldn’t it be legal?  I’m having it in the lot behind the store which is completely
fenced in, and there will be security at the door to make sure only eighteen and up
are allowed in.  There will be bets and different heats and lots to drink.  So make
sure you all have a fantastic vibrator to bring with you.  Or you could always buy
a new one at the store when you get there.”

Before I can ask any questions about the vibrator race and how exactly it works, Claire
shushes all of us.

“Do you guys notice anything?” she asks.

We all pause and listen.

“It’s really quiet.  Why is it so quiet?” Jim asks.

With five girls in the house and a ten year old boy, there should definitely be a
lot of noise coming from down the hall.  The fact that we’ve been able to play a game
uninterrupted for an entire hour should have clued us in that something was up.

We all jump up from the table and race down the hall.  Drew is the first one to the
playroom door and stops dead in his tracks in the doorway, blocking all of our views.

“Oh, holy Mary
Tyler Moore
,” he mutters before turning around and placing his arms on the doorframe so no one
can get in.  “You do NOT want to go in there.”

We all stand in the hallway giving each other equal looks of fear and horror at what
could possibly be
happening
on the other side of Drew.

Is someone dead?  Did the cat fights finally get serious and one of the girls is now
missing an eye? What if it’s Veronica?  Oh my God, my baby is going to have to go
through life wearing an eye patch like a pirate!  On National Pirate Day she’ll be
expected to dress up and talk in a funny voice the whole day because she’s a pirate
every day and everyone will just assume she’s really good at it.  But what if she
isn’t good at being a pirate?  She’ll be hated by all for not knowing what “walk the
plank” means.  I don’t even know what the hell it means!

“Drew, what the fuck, man?  What did they do?” Carter asks as he pushes me to the
side so he can see over Drew’s arms.

“Oh my fuck,” Carter sighs.  “You might as well drop your arms.  They’re going to
have to see it sooner or later.  Claire, take a deep breath first.”

Drew finally moves out of the way and we can all see just what has happened in the
play room.

All five girls are sitting in a circle in the middle of the room, and each one’s face
is completely covered in black Sharpie marker.  And when I say completely covered,
I mean completely.  Absolutely.  Lips, nose, eyelids, ears…covered.  We all slowly
make our way into the room, our mouths drop open in shock.  It’s not until we’re fully
inside the room that we notice the extent of the damage.  As I turn around in circles,
I’m kind of amazed at the detail of the scenes drawn on the wall.  In black Sharpie. 
They actually drew a castle with a princess in the tower and a moat.  It’s a pretty
good picture.

“Holy hell, is that a dragon?  Dude, who did the dragon?  That’s pretty good,” Drew
asks.

“I did!” Charlotte pipes up.  She immediately wipes the black smile off of her face
when she sees the murderous look on Liz’s face.

“I just painted these walls,” Claire mumbles as she takes on a catatonic look and
stares at the ceiling.

“Gavin!  Have you been in here this entire time?” Carter shouts.

I didn’t even notice Gavin sitting sideways in a chair in the corner with his legs
hanging over the arms, flipping through a book.

“Yep,” Gavin answers as he continues turning the pages without looking up.

“Um, and you didn’t think it was necessary to tell us the girls were painting their
faces and the walls with a marker that doesn’t wash off?” Carter scolds.

Gavin finally looks away from his book and notices the girls in the middle of the
room, all sitting silently and still clutching the permanent markers in their hands.

“Heh, heh.  Nice job, cootie faces!”

“Shut up, you piece of crap!” Ava yells.

“AVA!” Liz yells.

“What?  I’m not allowed to call him a piece of shit, am I?” she replies as she crosses
her arms and pouts.

“She’s got a point.  She’s not allowed to say ‘shit’,” Jim whispers to Liz.

“I just painted these walls,” Claire mutters again.

“This is the best game night ever!” Drew exclaims as he pulls out his cell phone and
starts snapping pictures.  “Girls, say, ‘Once you go black, you never go back!'”

I walk over and smack his arm, snatching the phone out of his hand.  “Alright, girls,
everybody up, clothes off and into the bathroom.”

Liz and I start herding the girls out of the room and across the hall.

“Gavin, go get some soap and water and start scrubbing these walls,” Carter says as
he makes his way over to Claire and wraps her in his arms.

“Why do I have to clean the walls?  I didn’t draw on them.  This is HORSESHIT!”

“GAVIN ALLEN!  I JUST PAINTED THESE WALLS!  DID YOU HEAR ME?  I…JUST…PAINTED…THESE…WALLS!
IJUSTPAINTEDTHESEWALLS!  IJUSTPAINTEDTHESEWALLS!” Claire shrieks.

“Is she losing her shit or is she trying to do another Mad Gab?” Drew asks me.  “Because
if it’s a Mad Gab, I’m going with ‘A just plain teddy swallows’.”

The weekend is finally here and even though it’s been an exhausting week with work,
getting up at all hours of the night with Billy and giving Veronica eight baths in
the last three days to try and get marker off of her face, I’m excited to go to the
charity event that Liz is having.  And I’m not going to lie. I'm a little nervous. 
I’ve never been shy about sex.  Ever.  But since having Billy, I don’t feel sexy. 
Most likely from the fact that I get maybe three hours of sleep every night.  But
still, I think today will be good for Drew and I.  The marriage counseling was a bust
and the dinner with our neighbors didn’t provide us with any kind of help, so I’m
hoping maybe this will do the trick.  Maybe it will give me the spark I need to feel
sexy and get back on the sex train.  I feel bad for Drew.  We used to have sex every
single day, sometimes two or three times.  I know he’s frustrated.  I’m frustrated
too.  I want to want to have sex.  I miss sex.  I miss sex with him.  I’m determined
to make today a success even though all I want to do is go back to sleep.

“Okay, you’ve got your traditional rabbit, which has rotating beads and tantalizing
bunny ears.  According to my chart, it has a one hundred percent success rate of completion
within five point three minutes,” Drew states as he looks at a page of the binder
in his hand.

We’re in our bedroom with all of my vibrators spread out on the floor.  Drew is determined
that I win this race today so he has spent all week analyzing vibrators, making flow
charts, and running diagnosis tests on them.

“Next, we have your standard silver bullet.  It’s simple, straightforward, and could
be our ace in the hole.  Pun intended.  No one would think to use the bullet because
it’s so small.  But this baby’s got kick, highlighted by my report of a one hundred
percent success rate within two point seven minutes.  I think we really need to set
that one aside as a contender.”

I pick up the silver bullet and set it apart from the rest.

“I’m nervous about this race.  Do you really think I have a chance to win?”

Drew closes his binder and squats down next to me at my place sitting on the floor. 
“Baby, you’ve got this thing in the bag.  You could win this thing with your eyes
closed and your arms cut off.  You just have to believe.”

I nod my head and motion for him to proceed with the binder of stats.

Thirty minutes later, we’ve narrowed down our selection to the top two, which is pretty
amazing considering I have no less than thirty-seven vibrators.  As we pack up the
rainbow of colorful objects and place them back into our suitcase of fun to slide
back under our bed, I hear the front door open and close.

“Are you two soldiers ready for action today?” Andrew Senior states from our bedroom
doorway.

Once again, he’s offered to babysit for us.  I can’t possibly stay angry with him
since it seems like this babysitting offer is going to be on the table for a long
time to come.

“Affirmative, sir.  We are locked and loaded,” Drew states as he pulls me up from
the floor and holds up the small, black velvet bag that
houses
the silver bullet.

“Did you clean your weapon and load it with new batteries?  A clean, properly functioning
weapon is a happy weapon,” my father-in-law informs us.

“The chambers have been cleaned, the batteries have been replaced, and this soldier
here is ready for battle,” Drew says as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls
me into his side.

“Stay smart, keep your head down, and for God’s sakes, don’t be a pansy ass,” Andrew
advises me.  “The deadliest thing in this world is a soldier and his or her weapon. 
Respect your weapon and it will respect you, is that clear?”

I nod my head and mumble, “Yes.”

“YES WHAT?!”

“YES, SIR!” I shout, putting my hand up to my head and saluting him.

“At ease, soldier.”

Surprisingly, his pep talk has motivated me and taken away my nerves.  I’m going to
go into the race and I’m going to win it all.  I’m going to show all of those fools
how it’s done.  I haven’t been an adventurous, sexual person all of my adult life
for nothing.  This race is mine!

Drew has changed into his motivational shirt that he got just for me.  It has a picture
of a vibrator on it and the words: My wife is #1 at diddling!

We leave Drew’s dad with a napping Billy and a hyper Veronica since Drew had let her
have toast with sugar on it for breakfast.  I'm amazed at the amount of cars parked
all around downtown by Liz and Claire’s shops.  We finally find a parking spot and
walk into Liz’s side of the store, which is packed with people checking out her selection
of vibrators.

“Look at all these losers trying to pick a winning vibrator at the last minute,” Drew
whispers as we squeeze our way through everyone so we can get to the back door and
out into the parking lot where the event is being held.  “With my analysis reports,
this race is all ours.  You can’t go into something like this without a toy you’re
already familiar with.  Do these people know nothing?  How do they expect to win a
race with a toy they’ve never used before?  How do they know they’re even going to
mesh with that toy?  Total amateurs, I’m telling you.”

I get more and more excited listening to what Drew is telling me.  He’s right.  I
am very familiar with my bullet.  We go way back.  It’s the first toy I ever bought
when I was eighteen.  We’ve come a long way since then.  This little guy in my pocket
has been with me through the good and the bad.  He won’t let me down today.

“Hey, guys!” Liz greets us as she rushes over to where we are currently standing next
to a food vendor tent.  She holds a clipboard in her hand and scans a piece of paper
attached to it.  “Okay, Jenny, you’re in heat
one
of the first round.  It’s going to take place in the tent next to the beer stand.”

I glance over to the direction she’s pointing and frown.

“Um, that tent is wide open.  I kind of thought it would be a little more private,”
I tell her, glancing nervously up at Drew.

“It’s okay, we can work with that,” Drew reassures me.

“Why would it need to be private?  It’s just a race.  And everyone here knows what’s
going on.  They wouldn’t be here if they have a problem with it,” Liz explains.

She’s right.  Everyone here had received an invitation with an explanation of what
was going on today, so I guess they know what they’ll be seeing.  I suppose I just
hadn't thought about the fact that they’d be seeing
me
.  Oh well, I want to get a spark back so I guess this is as good a way as any.

Liz wishes us good luck and runs off to greet more people and let them know what race
tent they are in.  Drew and I make our way over to the beer tent next to where I will
be racing.  He gets in line and orders a beer for each of us.

“Chug it.  You look like you could use this,” he informs me as he hands me a plastic
cup overflowing with beer.

I down the beer as fast as I can and hand him the empty cup.  He sets it down and
moves behind me to rub my shoulders.

“I’ve been scoping out the competition in our tent.  There are a few old people who
look scared.  That one chick in the purple shirt looks tough, but see how she’s tapping
her foot?  She’s nervous.  You’re calm as a cucumber. That’s how you’re going to win
this thing.  Show no fear, baby.  Maybe you should stretch,” Drew advises.

As he continues to massage my shoulders, I roll my head from side to side and shake
out my hands.  I grab onto my elbow and pull my arm across the front of my body, repeating
the action with my other arm.  Liz makes an announcement over the microphone that
the first heats will be starting in ten minutes.  Drew turns me around to face him
and holds my face in his hands.

“Repeat after me.  I’m a winner.”

“I’m a winner,” I tell him.

“I’m more awesome than all these people,” he states.

“I’m more awesome than all these people.”

“If I win this thing, I will take my husband home and fuck his brains out.”

I stare at him for a minute, raising my eyebrow at his statement.

“SAY IT!”

I sigh and roll my eyes.  “If I win this thing, I will take my husband home and fuck
his brains out.”

Drew sniffles.  “I think I’m going to cry.”

“What’s up, assholes?” Jim asks as he walks up to us with Carter and Claire.

“Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race,” Drew informs him.

“There’s no need for that,” Carter says.  “Claire is going to kick everyone’s ass.”

Drew laughs and shakes his head.  “Oh that’s hilarious, limp dick!  I know for a fact
that Jenny will be the victor.”

“The Victor?  Who’s Victor?  Is that like some vibrator champion or something?  Is
the race named after this Victor guy?”

Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me.  I guess she already knows about Victor. 
I’m always the last to know everything.

“What toy did she pick?” Carter asks Drew.

“The silver bullet, baby!”

Carter laughs and shakes his head.  “Seriously?  The bullet is like the grandfather
of vibrators.  Are you sure it can last long enough without needing to take a nap? 
There’s no way that thing is going to win.”

Drew crosses his arms and glares at Carter.  “Really?  So what amazing vibrator is
Claire using?”

Carter smirks and wraps his arms around Claire’s waist from behind, resting his chin
on top of her head.  “The brand new, hot from the factory Butterfly FX 2000.”

It’s Drew’s turn to laugh now and he throws his head back, letting out a loud chuckle. 
“The Butterfly FX 2000?  You’ve got to be kidding me!  That’s child’s play!  Have
you even read the reviews on that thing?  Did you conduct wind velocity tests and
check water submersion quality?  You can’t go into this thing half cocked, my friend. 
You guys really should leave this race to the professionals.”

“How about we put a little wager on the race?” Jim asks, pulling his wallet out of
his back pocket.  “I’ve got ten bucks on Jenny.”

Claire gives him a dirty look.  “Hey!”

“Sorry,” Jim says with a shrug.  “Jenny kind of is an expert with these things.  You’ve
only been doing this for a little while.  She’s got years on you.”

The men all place their bets and Jim holds on to the money since he doesn’t have a
wife in the race.  Liz makes another announcement over the microphone that everyone
should get into their assigned tents because the races are starting.  Claire and I
are going to be in the same tent for the first heat and that calms my nerves quite
a bit.  Even though Drew will be close by, having a friend with me makes me even more
comfortable.

We all walk together under the tent and greet the other participants. There are six
other women and two men.  I really don’t understand the men being here and being allowed
to participate.  How exactly does THAT work?  It doesn’t really seem fair since they
could do this race pretty easily without a vibrator but whatever.  I don't make up
the rules.  I’m sure Liz knows what she’s doing.

According to the judge in our tent, everyone in the race will go at the same time. 
I like that idea better than individually since not everyone will be looking at me. 
He doesn’t really give any more explanation though, and I stare at the table in front
of us in confusion.

“Am I supposed to just get up on that thing?” I quietly ask Drew.

He glances around at everyone else and no one is making a move to get on the table. 
They all have their chosen vibrators out and are testing the speeds on them.

“I don’t know what the table is for.  It’s not like you can all fit on it at one time. 
Maybe it’s for support.  Like, you can hold onto it if you need to.  It would have
been better if they provided cots or something, but you gotta work with what you got.”

I shrug and pull the velvet bag out of my pocket, sliding the bullet out and fiddling
with the speed control.

“I know you usually start that thing off slow and work your way up, but now isn’t
the time for slow.  Crank that puppy up full speed and take these mother fuckers out!”
Drew says excitedly.

“Racers, take your mark!” the judge shouts.

Everyone starts clapping, whistling, and cheering.  I clutch the bullet in my hand,
double checking to make sure it’s set to super high speed.  I glance over at Claire
and she’s got her butterfly resting on top of the table.  I notice everyone else in
the race has done the same thing.

Am I supposed to put the bullet on the table too?  Is that like the starting off position?

I decide to do what everyone else is doing and set the silver cylinder on the table
top in between a pink rabbit and a yellow dolphin.

“Get set!” the judge yells.

Everyone around the table hunches over their toys.  Drew and the guys have stepped
back a few feet away from us to give us room.  I kind of want to tell him to come
back closer to me because this is always easier for me if he’s touching me in some
way at the same time, but like he had said, I have to work with what I’ve got.