Authors: V J Chambers
Trembling (13 page)
* * *
I was alone again. For hours, I tried to distract
myself. I made food. I watched television. I messed around on the internet. But
finally, I couldn't distract myself anymore. It was getting dark outside my
house. Jason and Lilith would be getting off work soon. I paced around the
house, angry and frustrated. I felt like everything in my life was
disintegrating. This wasn't a new feeling for me. I'd felt it before, when
Jason and I had driven out of Bramford. I'd left my family, my best friend, my
boyfriend, everything I cared about. Everything had been ripped away from me.
Things weren't that dire yet.
Yet.
Jason was right about one thing when he was talking to Lilith. He was all that
I had. He was my lifeline. He was everything that I lived for. We'd worked so
hard to try to have a normal life together. Here, in
supposed to be better. It was warm here. We could walk on the beach. We could
finish high school. We could be what we'd always wanted to be, two normal kids.
It seemed that the world had different plans for us, however. We could run as
far as we wanted. We could set up our lives to appear as normal as possible.
But something lurked within both of us that made us different. We were trapped.
We'd never be free of it.
In just the past few days, everything had gotten crazy. I'd been nearly raped
on a beach, carried off from a parking lot, and assaulted on a couch. All of
those things were bad. I wished like hell they'd never happened to me. But it
was worse than that. It was worse than that because I felt like I was losing
Jason.
I thought of his face when I'd told him about Mr. Sutherland. The way he'd been
overtaken by anger. How single-minded he'd been as he left the apartment. And
then I thought of his returning, covered in blood, staring through me in the
bathroom. He hadn't looked like the Jason I'd fallen in love with. He'd looked
so haunted. What had Jason done? Why had he done it?
If Jason had killed Mr. Sutherland, it wouldn't be the first time he'd taken a
human life. But the first time Jason had killed a person, it had been to
protect me. And he'd said, as we stood in the living room, that he'd done what
he did to Sutherland because of me. How could I handle the responsibility of
that? It felt like I'd murdered people myself. I hadn't pulled the trigger, but
I'd been the trigger. If Jason was driven to kill because of me, then what was
it that Jason was becoming? And was he becoming that because of me? What was I
doing to him?
Jason was jealous. Jason was always accusing me of things I didn't do. Jason
didn't trust me. And Lilith wasn't helping matters either. The two of them had
been quiet for several moments before Jason had spoken. What had they done in
those moments? Had Lilith kissed Jason? Had she touched him? Had she showed him
her body? Had he touched her? Where had he touched her?
It was agony. I couldn't handle the thought of it. What was worse, I couldn’t
believe that Jason didn't agree that Lilith needed to leave. Just a few days
with Lilith around, and he was spending lots of time with her, and he was
having conversations with her about our sex life? I couldn't believe it. I had
a right to be jealous when he was doing that.
It was stupid for Lilith to interfere anyway. Jason and I were having great
sex. Really. Not that we got to do it very much with Hallam around, but when we
did, I enjoyed it. Tons. I was satisfied. Really. I guessed I'd always worried
a little about . . .
Well, I didn't worry that much about it, considering I couldn't even think the
words. But I'd always heard that it was harder for girls than it was for guys
to do that. Especially girls my age. So, I didn't think it was that big of a
deal. Sometimes, I guessed I felt a little jealous of Jason, because sometimes,
when we had sex, afterwards, I felt kind of unfinished. Like I'd been building
up to something, and instead I just hung there, trying to deal with the fact it
was over. But I didn't know what to do about that. I didn't know how to talk to
Jason about it. It seemed like we had to work so hard to find time to have sex
as it was. I didn't want to create problems.
Still. I thought about the way Jason's voice had sounded when he'd asked Lilith
whether or not guys had known how to please her. He'd sounded worried. Was this
a big deal? If I couldn’t do it, did it make Jason feel useless?
Did Jason feel useless?
I hated Lilith. Before she'd shown up, Jason and I hadn't been fighting about
this stuff. In fact, before Lilith had shown up, everything had been fine.
Sort of. The bell had shown up in my purse. That had really started everything,
actually.
But wait. The bell had appeared in my purse after Lilith showed up.
Hold on. I didn't really think . . .
Truthfully, I'd been so caught up in worrying about Jason hurting Mr.
Sutherland and our domestic issues that I hadn't thought much about the bell or
anything else in some time. Which was pretty strange, I realized, because Mr.
Sutherland had said something very important to me. He'd said that someone
close to me was trying to complete an invocation. That could only mean the
Satanists.
This whole time, I'd been concerned about the Sons. I'd never even considered
the fact that the Satanists might not be down for the count. And actually, it
made more sense, considering everything had happened to me, not Jason. The
Satanists would be interested in me.
Somebody had put a bell in my bag, framing me for stealing it. And then Mr.
Sutherland had been weird, but Mr. Sutherland hadn't even really been connected
to any of it. So really, the only thing that had happened had been the bell.
Hmm.
If the Satanists were responsible for putting a bell in my bag, why would they
have done that? Would they have wanted me in detention? That didn't make much
sense. Did it? I wandered into the living room and turned on the computer.
Mr. Sutherland said something about the invocation. If the Satanists were
trying to complete the invocation, what would they have done?
I pulled up google and typed in, "Invocation to Azazel."
I didn't come up with much. There were several websites describing silly
incantations, telling the reader to visualize the nature and modern
civilization and to focus on the "gods of this world," while
repeating a bunch of junk about the "Queen of Hell" and other such
things. There was also a website about the mythical Azazel, claiming that
Azazel was the scapegoat for the Jewish people, or the being who was punished
for their sins in place of them. Darkly, I wondered if this was why my life was
so screwed up. Was I being punished for the sins of the world, even though I'd
done nothing wrong?
Abandoning the search, I tried another query. Was the bell related? I searched
for "invocation bell."
I hit a few unrelated websites at first. One was actually for a role-playing
game which instructed the player to "ring the bell of invocation" and
descend into the pit of Moloch or something. There was another that was a news
item about a Lions Club meeting.
Then I found a website entitled, "The Beast: Satanic Rituals and Spells."
It took me to a site within the larger site that was headed, "Invocations
to Satan." There was a description of something very similar to the first
invocation I'd been part of, instructing the performer of the invocation to
drink from a sacred chalice and chant in Latin. Beneath that, there was another
ritual.
"If the first invocation fails, or if the desired object of the spirit of
the demon is an unwilling participant (though this kind of magic is highly
dangerous and not encouraged by the creators of this website), try this
instead. Gather several large candles, a chalice consecrated to the demon in
question, a bell, and an object that will symbolize the demon himself (or
herself.) This object should be something that embodies or symbolizes the spirit
of the entity you intend to invoke. For example, if you are invoking Lilith, a
sexually charged item or talons of some kind might work well.
"This object needs to be anointed with some kind of body fluid from the
person hoping to be filled with the spirit of the demon. Blood, semen, and/or
vaginal fluid are the most effective, but saliva or sweat will work as well.
Ring the bell to focus the demon on the spot you wish him to concentrate
on."
The website went on to describe the various chants and spells one had to say
over the person who was invoking the demon. It all sounded pretty gross to me.
However, it was proof that someone might use a bell to invoke Azazel. And that
the Satanists might have put the bell in my bag as a warning or something.
Mr. Sutherland had said that someone close to me had completed an invocation,
and, when I'd elbowed him in the ribs, he'd grunted, "Maybe you are imbued
with the spirit of a demon."
Someone had already performed this ritual on me. Who was close to me? Who had
ties to the Satanists? Who'd shown up just before the bell did?
There was only one person who fit the answer to all those questions.
Lilith.
And she slept in my house, for God's sake. She could have come into my room as
I slept, performed the ritual over me, and then placed the bell she'd used in
my purse.
And it made sense that she was trying to seduce Jason. The Satanists wanted me
to kill Jason. Perhaps they thought that if Jason slept with Lilith, I'd be so
angry with him that I'd destroy him.
Augh. I couldn't believe I'd allowed Lilith into my house with her stupid story
about wanting to get away from the Satanists. She didn't want to get away from
the Satanists at all. Instead, she was working for them! And Jason had told her
it was okay to sleep in our house tonight! I couldn't believe that. I had to
get away from her. I had to get her away from Jason. Who knew what kind of
damage she'd already inflicted?
I needed to call Jason. Tell him what I'd figured out. But no. I couldn't call
Jason. I didn't have a phone. Hallam had a phone, but I didn't know where
Hallam was. I guessed I should tell Hallam too. Maybe he'd know how to help. Or
what to do.
I thought about Hallam and Jason earlier. Hallam screaming at Jason. Hallam
demanding to know what Jason had done with Mr. Sutherland's body. Hallam was
angry at both of us. Who knew if he was even on our side anymore? Should I wait
for Hallam to come back?
No. I should just go to Jason. But I didn't have a car. Hallam had the car.
Jason and Lilith had caught a ride with a co-worker. It wasn't too far to walk,
but it was dark outside, and after what had happened over the last few days, I
didn't feel quite comfortable walking around in the dark.
How was I going to get there?
Well. I could ask Jude for a ride.
Of course, I didn't think that would make Jason particularly happy. And it
wasn't smart to get Jude anymore involved in this mess than he already was.
Still. We had to stop Lilith.
I signed onto AOL instant messenger. With my luck, Jude wouldn’t even be
online. It was a Friday night, and he probably had something exciting to do,
like a party or something. If he wasn't, it was a sign, I told myself. I'd just
wait for Hallam to come home. Or for Jason and Lilith. I'd get Jason alone and
tell him what I'd figured out. He'd believe me. He'd have to. Wouldn't he?
But Jude was online.
He messaged me immediately. "u didnt come to school today. u okay?"
"Fine," I typed. "Can you come pick me up?"
He could. He would. As I signed off, I mused over his AOL handle. It was weird,
because I couldn't figure out why he'd picked it. It wasn't his name, like mine
was. Of course, Jude was a much more common name than Azazel. Maybe he wanted
something more original. Still. His handle wasn't that original. It reminded me
of something. I couldn't remember what, but I knew I'd heard it somewhere. Like
a last name or something?
Where had I heard the name Aird?
* * *
"You're kidding," Jude gasped. "She
said somebody needed to
show
him
and then it was quiet?"
"Yeah," I said. "And Jason has the nerve to be jealous of me and
act like it's my fault."
Jude was pulling into the driveway of the restaurant where Lilith and Jason
worked. He shook his head as if he couldn't believe it. "So the two of you
had another fight then?"
"I guess so."
"Girl, is it just me, or are the two of you arguing a lot lately?"
"It's Lilith!" I said. "She's ruining everything. I just want to
get rid of her."
"So that's why we're going to Jason's work? So you can confront him about
Lilith?"
I couldn't explain to Jude why exactly I was going, so I guessed his
interpretation worked as well as any other. "Yeah."
Jude parked the car in the parking lot and turned it off.
"Thanks for driving me," I said. "I know I must not seem like the
safest person to be around lately."
Jude shrugged. "I got your back, Azazel. Really. Whatever you need to
do."
I was glad he hadn't asked any questions about Mr. Sutherland. It made
everything much easier. Jude was a good friend. I didn't care what anyone
thought. I was glad to have him. And there was nothing going on with him beyond
that.
"So," said Jude. "You want me to wait in the car?"
I nodded. That would be easier. I need to talk to Jason privately. Jude might
get in the way.
"Okay," said Jude.
"Thanks," I said. I put my hand on the door handle.
"Azazel?" said Jude.
I stopped and looked at him. "Yeah?"
"If you ever feel like . . ."
"What?" I said.
"It's not important."
Trailing off drove me crazy. "Tell me," I said.
"It's just that if you feel like you have to stay with Jason because he's
all you've got, I want you to know that's not true."
"Jude
—
"
"I know you think you love him. Maybe you do. But just because you love
someone doesn’t mean that you two are good for each other, you know? Anyway, I
just want you to know that if you ever need anything, you have me, okay?"
I just smiled. "Thanks Jude. That means a lot. It does. But nobody else
really gets Jason and me. What we have goes beyond being good or bad for each
other." We're each other's oxygen. But I didn't say that out loud.
I went up to the restaurant. The door was locked, because they were closing, so
I went around back to the kitchen entrance. A few guys were outside, dumping
large garbage bags into the dumpster behind the restaurant. I recognized them
because I knew they worked with Jason, but I couldn't remember their names.
"Hi," I said. "I'm looking for Jason."
"Oh, right," said one of the guys. "You're his girlfriend,
right?"
"Right," I said.
"Well, he already left," said the other guy.
"He did?" I said.
I'd missed him? I wondered what he'd think when he got home, and I wasn't
there.
"Yeah," said the first guy. "He went to a party out on
Cortez."
"Right. At Rachel Kline's house," said the other guy.
A party? Jason had gone to a party? After everything that had happened, he'd
just ditched me to go off and drink?
"Really?" I said.
"He's been hanging out pretty close with that redhead chick," said
one of the guys. "I'm pretty sure going to the party was her idea."
"Oh my God." I shook my head, angry and hurt at the same time.
"Sorry," said the other guy. "Tough break. For what it's worth,
I think you're way hotter than that Lilith girl."
Nice. Wonderful.
Fuming, I went back to Jude's car. I filled him in. "They're at Rachel
Kline's," I said.
"Oh right," he said. "I totally forgot about that."
"So did I," I said. "You asked me if I wanted to go on
Sunday."
"Seems like five years ago," said Jude. "It's been quite a
week."
"Yeah," I said. It had been.
"So I guess we're going to Rachel's?" Jude asked.
"I guess so," I said. I couldn't believe Jason was going to a party.
Was this some way of getting back at me for going to parties without him all
the time? I hadn't realized it bothered him so much.
"Could be fun," said Jude. "It's a party, after all."
Fun? Doubt it. And maybe I'd just been fooling myself all this time, thinking
that I went out to so many parties and drank so much because I wanted to cut
loose and be free. Truthfully, I thought I might just be running from
everything that had happened. I didn't want to face what had happened to me. I
didn't want to face who I'd become. But I wasn't a crazy party girl. I was a
girl who'd fought off a serial rapist. I was a girl who'd faced down the Sons
of the Rising Sun. I was girl who could load a gun and flick off the safety. I
was a girl who loved a boy more than life itself. I was me. There wasn't any
running from it. Not anymore. I had to be myself. Own up to it.
But I smiled weakly. "Party time," I said.
Jude laughed. He started the car. "You sound so enthused."
As he pulled out of the parking lot, Jude got his phone out of his pocket.
"I'm going to give a couple of the guys from work a call and tell them I'm
going out to the party, okay?"
I listened while he relayed our destination over the phone and gave directions
to Rachel's house. It didn't take long to drive out to Rachel's house. It was
close to town. Once there, we had trouble finding a parking space since the
entire street was glutted with cars, and they were taking up every possible
place to park. Finally, we parked maybe three blocks away and had to walk all
the way back to the party.
Rachel's house was one of those McMansions that populate the Sarasota-Bradenton
area. Easily worth a half-million dollars, it sprawled amongst houses of the
same size in a crowded, planned neighborhood. Inside, there was a lot of space,
but not a lot of rooms. The foyer had high ceilings and a large chandelier.
Overall, however, the house was a regular three bedroom house. Just a fancy
one, with big windows and walk-in closets.
Rachel's parents were out of town for the weekend, and it seemed that everyone
in
packed. Bodies writhed in the living room, dancing to a pulsing stereo. In the
foyer, kids chatted in groups, clutching bottles of beer or plastic cups filled
with sugary mixed drinks. The kitchen was similarly crowded. There were puddles
of alcohol on the floor. There were stains on the carpet. I didn't see Rachel
Kline anywhere. I wondered if she were worried about the fact that her house
was being destroyed by the entire student body.
Because the party was so packed, I couldn't find Jason or Lilith. Jude and I
made a search of each of the rooms in the lower level of the house. The living
room. The foyer. The kitchen. The den. The line to the downstairs bathroom.
They were nowhere to be found. Had they actually come to the party? What if
they were somewhere else? Together?
Alone?
The thought made me feel nauseated.
"Where are they?" I wondered aloud.
"Should we check upstairs?" Jude asked.
Upstairs? Like . . . in a bedroom? I gulped. If that's where they were, did I
want to know?
I chewed on my lip, trying to work up the courage to mount the steps and look.
But I didn't have to, because I saw Jason coming out of the kitchen, the
plastic cup he held sloshing liquid all over the floor.
Jude touched my shoulder. "You want me to stick around while you talk to
him? For moral support?"
I shook my head. "It's probably better if you don't. He doesn't much like
you, if you hadn't noticed."
Jude nodded. "I'll be around," he said. "Find me if you need a
ride or anything." And then he disappeared into the throng of bodies
surrounding us.
I pushed my way through them to Jason.
Jason looked surprised when he recognized me. "What are you doing here,
Azazel?" he asked.
"I'm looking for you," I said. "I have something I need to tell
you."
He took a long swig of his drink.
"Can we go somewhere and talk? Somewhere quiet?" I asked him.
Jason raised his eyebrows. "What do you want to talk about Azazel? Can't
you see I'm drinking here? I'm having fun. I thought you'd be glad. Isn't that
what you want me to do? Stop being so serious? Live it up?"
"No," I said. "No, I need to tell you something very
important."
"So tell me."
"It's so loud and crowded here. Can't we just
—
"
"Tell me," he said. "I've got shit to do."
I looked at the floor. "You're drunk."
"Hell yeah, I am," said Jason. "No drunker than you always get,
though."
"It's about the bell, Jason."
"Oh, the bell. Come on, Azazel, can't you let that go? I thought
Sutherland stuck it in your purse, anyway. Sutherland's not a problem. I told
you that, didn't I?"
"Sutherland didn't do it," I said.
"Then who did?"
"The Satanists," I said.
Jason's expression froze thoughtfully. "The Satanists?"
"I found a ritual on the internet telling me that the Invocation to Azazel
could be completed with a bell and other stuff. I think the bell was planted to
scare me. Or to tip me off. I don't know. Maybe they thought once the ritual
was completed, I'd be on their side completely or something."
"Wait," said Jason. "The Satanists? Who? Michaela Weem?"
"No," I said. "I mean, I think she's behind it, but I don't
think she's here."
"Then who?"
"There's only one person who's close to me, who has ties to the Satanists,
and who showed up right before the bell appeared in my purse."
"There is?"
"Lilith, Jason. It's Lilith. And she's obviously trying to seduce you so
that I'll get angry with you."
Jason glared at me witheringly before chugging his drink again. "Lilith?
Jesus, Azazel, this is ridiculous."
"You don't believe me?" I said. God, what was wrong with Jason? Why
didn't he see that what I was saying was the truth?
"Look, I'm drunk, and you're grasping at straws."
"Mr. Sutherland said that someone close to me was trying to complete the
ritual," I said.
"And you believed him? He's not exactly a reliable source, is he?"
"He wanted to trade information. He only got violent with me when I
wouldn't tell him that you were Edgar Weem's son."
"What?" Jason looked confused. "I can't think about this right
now, okay?"
"We have to. Lilith is staying in our house. We have to do something
before she
—
"
"Before she what? Why do you hate Lilith so much, Azazel?"
"This isn't about the way I feel about her. This is about the fact that
you and I are both in danger and that the Satanists are
—
"
"Spare me," said Jason. "I'm sick of your conspiracy theories.
If it's up to you, we'll never be safe. We'll never be normal. You see danger
everywhere. You're paranoid, and you need to get over it."
Jason drained his glass, turned his back on me, and started back for the
kitchen.
"Jason!" I called after him, struggling to push through the bodies and
keep up.
He turned on me. "I need some space, okay, Azazel? Just give me one night
where I don't have to be the Rising Sun. Just give me one night where I don't
have to think about this crap. Just give me one night to be normal. Okay? Is
that too much to ask?"
His eyes blazed. Wounded, I hung back. But then Lilith slid between the crowded
bodies and moved close to Jason. She was holding two plastic cups. She gave one
to Jason. He took it from her and took a large gulp. The two surveyed me.
"Zaza," said Lilith. "You look like you might start crying. Are
you okay?"
God. I hated her. How could she pretend to be concerned when she was plotting
against me?
Jason laughed. "You should hear her latest paranoid delusion, Lil. She
thinks you're working for the Satanists. She thinks you put that bell in her
purse after you performed an invocation over her body to invoke the demon
Azazel."
Lilith's brow furrowed sympathetically. "Jesus, Zaza." She turned to
Jason. "She's been under a lot of stress lately. She was nearly captured
and then nearly raped. You shouldn't be too hard on her."
I gaped at Lilith. "Don't play dumb," I said to her. "I know
it's true."
Lilith looked into her drink, pressing her lips together as if she were trying
very hard to keep from saying something.
"What's your plan?" I said to her. "You think if you seduce
Jason that I'll feel betrayed and kill him?"
"Jesus Christ!" Jason exclaimed. "You know I'd never do
that."
"I used to think you'd never say I was paranoid and delusional too," I
spat out. "I used to think you'd never run off without telling me where
you're going and come home covered in blood, too stunned to speak. I used to
think all kinds of things about you, Jason Wodden. Now I'm not sure if I even
know you."
Jason rolled his eyes. "Screw this," he said. "I can't take this
right now." He turned away from me and made his way into the crowd. Lilith
started to follow him, but I darted forward and caught her by the arm.
"No," I said. "You don't go with him. There's no way I'm letting
you go off with him now."
"You can't control Jason, you know," she said. "He's a big boy.
He can do what he wants."
"Yeah?" I said. "Well, he's not doing you. Not on my
watch." I started for the door to the house, pulling Lilith with me.
"You're coming with me," I said. "We're going to go talk to
Hallam. We'll see what he thinks about this."
Lilith struggled, but she walked with me. "I'm not going anywhere with
you," she said. "You're going nuts. You're losing it Azazel. None of
this is real. You realize that don't you? You're paranoid. Can't you see that
you're paranoid?"
"Maybe if I'd been a little more paranoid in Bramford, none of that shit
would have happened," I retorted.
I pulled her out the door and onto the porch. Once in the muggy night air, she
wrenched her arm out of my grip.
"Don't fool yourself, Azazel," said Lilith. "You didn't have any
control over what happened to you in Bramford, just like you don't have any
control over what's happening to you now. You're Azazel. The Vessel. The
girlfriend of Jason. You're never going to get to choose what you want. Don't
you realize that?"
