Trembling (12 page)

* * *

Hallam left the house pretty quickly after Jason did.
He didn't say much. He just gathered his things and took off. Jason hadn't
taken the car when he left, so I didn't think that he'd gone far. I was
worried, but not as worried as I had been the night before. I didn't have a cell
phone, so I couldn't call Jason. I ate some cereal in the kitchen, wandered
around the house. I didn't know what to do. It felt like lately, all I did was
worry about things. I was exhausted. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night
before either.
I lay back down, finally. And within a few minutes, I went back to sleep. My
sleep was dreamless. I felt like I'd been pulled into a black hole. When I woke
up, I could hear voices floating down the hall from the living room. It was
Lilith and Jason.
 
I stirred. Opened my eyes. Jason was home. I should go to him.
 
Then I heard my name.
"I don't know what to do about Azazel," Jason was saying. "I
love her so much, but I don't know if she loves me as much as I love her."
What? I froze on my bed, unable to believe he doubted my feelings for him.
"Why don't you know?" Lilith asked.
"I don't feel like she really had a choice," Jason said. "Her
entire world got destroyed. I was all she had. I don't know if she really loves
me or if she's just clinging to anything she can cling to."
"You think she's clingy?"
"No," said Jason. "No, just the opposite, really. She's very
independent. She wants to party all the time. She wants to protect herself.
Wanting to go shooting and all of that. It's like she's trying to make sure she
doesn't need me. Like she's preparing to leave or something."
No! It wasn't that at all. It was that I didn't want to slow Jason down. I
didn't want him to become hurt because he had to protect me. Why did Jason
doubt me? Had I ever given him cause?
"The partying bothers you, huh?" asked Lilith.
"No, not really," said Jason. "I understand that she wants to
have fun."
"I always felt like Zaza was a powderkeg," said Lilith. "Back in
Bramford, I got the impression that the only thing holding her back was Toby
and her family. If she could have let loose then, I think she would have. Big
time."
That wasn't true. I wasn't a powderkeg.
"So, it's good that she's doing it now, then," said Jason.
"She's free."
"Is it good?" Lilith asked.
"Yeah," said Jason. "It's fine. I just worry about her, you
know. I worry about her a lot. She's very important to me."
"You don't worry that she might explode?" Lilith asked.
 
"Explode?"
Explode?!
"That it might end up being too much. That she'll go overboard with the
partying and drinking. She'll self-destruct," said Lilith.
I wasn't anywhere close to self-destructing.
"Why?" said Jason, sounding concerned. "Do you think she
might?"
"I haven't really been able to talk to her," said Lilith. "But
she is sneaking around a lot, isn't she? To the shooting range, and then to Mr.
Sutherland's?"
"That's true," said Jason.
 
"She's lying. She's trying to hide her behavior, because she knows it's
erratic," said Lilith.
Bull. Lilith was full of crap.
"Maybe you're right," said Jason.
God. I should get up right now and let them know that I was listening to their
conversation. I wanted to shut Lilith up. But for some reason, I was driven to
keep listening. Some kind of morbid curiosity, maybe.
"And have you noticed that both of those times, she ended up alone with
Jude?" Lilith asked.
What was she doing? Was she trying to make Jason jealous of me? Was this why he
was acting the way he was? Was Lilith poisoning him?
"You met him," Jason said. "Do you think he's gay?"
"No way," said Lilith. "That boy's eyes settled on my tits for
like five whole seconds. He's not gay."
Jason laughed. "Well, I don't know if that's conclusive, Lil."
Lil?! He was calling her by a nickname?
"Gay guys don't like tits," she said.
"Maybe not," he said, "but I think it's tough for anyone not to
. . . stare at you."
"Stare at me?" Lilith giggled.
 
"You're kind of . . . well-endowed," Jason said.
Oh. My. God. Jason was talking to Lilith about her breasts? Now I
 
couldn't
 
move. I was beginning to feel very,
very sick.
"Maybe," said Lilith, "but the look that Jude gave me was a very
ungay look."
"I know what you mean," said Jason. "I really don't like the way
he looks at Azazel."
"Do you really think that Azazel would do that to you, though? Do you
think she'd cheat on you and not break up with you?"
"Where would she go? If she didn't want to be with me, she'd probably feel
trapped here. She has to live here."
I did not. Was everyone forgetting the fact that I had a very rich grandmother?
I stayed with Jason by choice. And I couldn't believe that after last night, he
could possibly still be questioning my fidelity. If I didn't want to be with
him, he should realize that showing up covered in blood would have probably
sealed the deal.
Besides, when we'd made love last night, it had felt, to me anyway, like
something very, very real. Like Jason and I had connected on a level we'd never
connected with. Like it wasn't just our bodies touching, but our souls . . .
 
Clearly, he hadn't felt that.
"Wow," said Lilith, "that's true."
"But," said Jason, "she cares about me. I just think she
realizes that I'm holding her back. That being with me makes her life
dangerous. I think she wishes she could have a boyfriend like Jude. Someone
fun. Someone who she can just go crazy with."
Why was Jason so jealous of Jude?
"Someone normal," said Lilith.
"Yeah."
Augh. She couldn't have picked a worse word to say.
"So," said Lilith, "when you found them on her bed yesterday,
you don't think anything was going on?"
Jason hesitated. "I don't think she thinks anything was going on. I think
she thinks Jude is really gay. But I think Jude was loving every second of it.
When he walked past me in the hall, he gave me this look." There was a
long pause. "But, she couldn't be. Last night, when she took care of me
when I came back, she was so . . . I can't believe that I could have been so
close to her, that she could make me feel the way she made me feel, and be
doing anything behind my back."
So, he had felt something then?
"Can't believe, or don't want to believe?"
"She couldn't have faked that," said Jason.
"Girls can fake all kinds of things, Jason." Lilith's voice dropped.
It sounded sultry. Suggestive. "For instance, are you sure that she's
completely, well, satisfied?"
She wasn't asking this, was she? She couldn't be.
 
"What do you mean?" Jason asked.
"You know what I mean."
"I . . ."
 
"You know," said Lilith in her seductive voice, "I used to be
very, um, frustrated myself. I guess I thought that guys would know how to
please me without me telling them anything."
"And they didn't?" Jason sounded concerned.
"The female body is a mysterious thing to men," Lilith said, her
voice going breathy. "There's no way they could have fully understood what
it was I needed."
"Oh."
"You think you understand what women need?"
"I . . . well . . ."
"It's okay. It's not your fault. Someone needs to show you."
Show
 
him?
And then it was quiet.
My heart raced. What was going on? Why weren't they talking? What was Lilith
doing? And why couldn't I move?
I fought with myself. Fought against the images that were flashing through my
mind. Images of Lilith and Jason, just a few rooms away. They were sitting on
the couch, probably. Was she close? How close was she? What could she possibly
be showing him?
 
I could think of several possibilities. All of them made me sick to my stomach.
 
I needed to get up. Throw aside the covers on my bed. Jam my feet into
slippers. Tear into the living room. Scream at them to stop.
 
But try as I might, I couldn’t will my body to move.
 

Chapter Nine

aird92 (07:22:43): idk i think it might be working.
she and jason seem to be fighting a lot.
michaela666 (07:22:55): fighting isn't enough, and you know it. we need to step
in. There's a lot at stake here. We can't risk things going wrong.
aird92 (07:23:12): is there really that much of a rush? couldnt we give it like
another week or so?
michaela666 (07:23:32): Absolutely not. And by the way, are you getting enough
to eat?
 
aird92 (07:23:40): geez. im not answering that

Finally, I heard Jason's voice.
"Lilith, what are you doing?" he said. He sounded embarrassed. He
sounded guilty.
Oh God, what had just happened?
Lilith didn't say anything.
"You know I think you're very attractive," said Jason, "but I'm
in love with Azazel. I don't want to . . ."
"For all you know, Azazel is banging Jude," said Lilith. "Even
the score."
Even the score?!
"Azazel isn't doing anything like that," Jason said.
 
"Are you sure?"
"I . . ."
He wasn't
 
sure
?
"It doesn't matter," said Jason. "Whatever she did, it doesn't
matter. She's all I want."
"You'd stay with her if she was sleeping with someone else?" Lilith
demanded.
"I'd stay with her if she was the devil incarnate. I can't be without her.
She's everything to me. Without her, I don't know if I can exist."
My heart swelled. I felt the same way. And it was good, because I wasn't
cheating on Jason, and I never would. But we were going to be okay. Because he
loved me, and I loved him. And no matter what happened, we'd always have that.
And that was all that mattered.
 
And then, I could move! Finally. I burst out of my room, making as much noise
as I could. When I appeared in the living room, I saw Lilith sitting on the
couch. Jason was standing on the opposite side of the room from her, his hands
thrust into his pockets. He was staring at the carpet.
 
I looked at the both of them.
 
Lilith smiled at me. "Hi, Zaza," she said.
"I don't want you to stay here anymore," I said to her.
She raised her eyebrows.
"God," I said. "What is it with you and my boyfriends, anyway?
There are thousands of men on earth. Pick someone else for Christ's sake."
Jason snorted.
I turned to look at him. "What?" I said.
"Nothing," he said, "it's just funny that when it's about me,
Toby means nothing to you, but when it's about Lilith, he's still
important."
I felt hurt. Jason had just said that he couldn't exist without me, but was
angry with me. About Toby. About Jude. "He's
 
not
 
important," I said.
Jason shrugged. "I don't know what to think anymore," he said.
"You just said I was everything to you," I said.
"Were you eavesdropping?," said Jason.
"I heard you two talking," I said. "I wasn't
eavesdropping."
"How much did you hear?" said Jason. "If you heard us, why
didn't you come into the room? Why did you wait in there and listen?"
"Lilith shows up and suddenly you're hanging with her
twenty-four/seven," I said. "She takes you to parties. You guys go
out drinking. Whenever I ask you to go out
—
"
"You don't ask me, Azazel," Jason interrupted. "You call me
plastered from the party and ask me to pick you up. You don't want me to come
along."
"I do so ask you," I said. "But you work later than I do, and
what do you want me to do? Wait around for you to get off work before I go to
the party?"
"Well, that would be horrible, wouldn't it?" Jason said
sarcastically.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't know you minded."
"How could you not know? No, you just want to spent time alone with
Jude."
"I don't," I said. "Jude's my friend, that's all."
"You guys looked real friendly yesterday, lying on your bed
together," Jason said.
"I'd just gone through something pretty traumatic," I said. "I
needed someone. You weren't there."
Jason looked stung.
 
"And then," I said, "the minute I told you, you just ran off
again, and God only knows what you did while you were gone. You could have
died. Or you could have . . ." Killed someone. "Maybe you did. I
don't know. But you came back. And I had to clean you up. I had to clean it up.
And I was the one who was . . ."
"I did it for you," Jason said, sounding agonized.
 
"What did you do, Jason? God help me, what did you do?"
Jason looked away. When he turned back to me, he'd gotten a stony expression in
his eyes. His face was carefully controlled mask. "I protected you,"
he said. "I
 
can
 
protect
you, Azazel."
"I don't want you to
 
have
 
to
protect me," I said.
"Then don't go running off without me," he said. "Don't do
things like that."
"You don't go running off without me either," I said, my voice
shaking.
 
I reached out for him, and he took my hand, pulling me over to him. Against
him. His arms went tight around me, like he was grabbing onto me for dear life.
 
"So you're just going to forgive her?" asked Lilith.
Dammit. I'd forgotten she was even there. I yanked myself away from Jason.
"Why are you still here?" I asked. I turned on Jason. "What was
she trying to 'show' you, anyway?"
Jason's eyes darted away from mine.
I glared at Lilith.
She crossed her arms over her chest. "I was just trying to help you out,
Zaza. I figured that even if you'd gotten enough courage to find your clitoris,
you'd be too scared to help Jason find it."
I blushed to the roots of my hair. "That's really none of your
business."
Lilith shrugged. "Well, what are you doing, anyway? I mean, you've got
this amazing guy, and you're blowing him off for parties and some guy who you
think is gay?"
"He is gay," I said, exasperated.
Lilith shook her head. "Not gay, sweetheart. Definitely not gay."
"And I'm not blowing Jason off," I said.
"He thinks you are," she said. "Let me tell you a little secret
about men, sweetie. Men like to feel like they're needed. They like to be able
to do things. You make Jason feel like he's useless. He can't party with you.
He can't save you. And he can't even give you an orgasm. You keep that up for
too long and even the best guy will start looking for someone who wants
him."
"I want Jason," I said. "And I'm not talking about our sex life
with you."
Lilith laughed. "Well, there's not much to really talk about, now is
there?"
"Just shut up," I said.
"Did I strike a nerve?" she asked.
I looked at Jason. "I don't make you feel useless, do I?"
 
"No," he said, but he didn't sound very convinced.
 
I didn't know what to say. Lilith had tried to seduce my boyfriend, and he
wasn't helping me get rid of her. He'd rejected her, sure, but how long would
that last? Lilith wasn't on my side. She was out to get me. She could claim she
was trying to help, but you didn't help someone by flirting with her boyfriend.
"I don't want Lilith to stay here anymore," I said.
"Azazel," said Jason.
"No," I said. "No more excuses. I don't trust her with
you."
"Then you don't trust me," he said.
I didn't say anything.
Lilith sighed. "I've got to go to work," she said. "But I've got
enough cash that I can probably afford a hotel for a few nights."
"No," said Jason, "you're not going to a hotel. I've got to work
tonight too. We all need to cool down, and we'll talk about it later."