Translation of Love (25 page)

“No! Victor, no.” I can barely speak with the lump in my throat. I feel the tears pooling in my eyes start to spill over, my lips trembling. “I didn’t know.”

He looks up at me and I can see he’s struggling to get control of his anger. His fists are clenched so tight that the veins on his hands are protruding. “What do you mean you didn’t know? How could you not know that someone was recording you?”

I feel like I’m outside of my body looking in. “I don’t know! I would never let him do that. He wanted to. He always tried to convince me to but I said no every time, I swear.”

“Ellie! What the fuck?” he yells, causing me to flinch. “You mean to tell me that you had no idea that he recorded you? You had no idea that this video existed and that it could get in the wrong hands?”

I was shaking now. “No. I had no idea,” I muttered.

He stares at me for what seems like forever. I can see the battle waging inside of him. Finally he speaks. “I can’t fucking believe this.” He runs his hands through his hair. “I need some fresh air. I’ll be back in a half hour.” He grabs the hotel key card, puts it in his back pocket and walks out of the room without a second glance, leaving me there alone.

I stand frozen in the same spot for a while trying to get my tears under control. After what feels like an eternity, I dry my eyes and walk back to the windows looking out at the amazing view of the beach.

I couldn’t stand to see the look on his face. I didn’t know if it was anger or disgust or maybe a little bit of both. In all of the time we had spent together, Victor had made certain that I always felt beautiful and cherished, adored even and in one moment those feelings disintegrated. I could feel it when he let go of my hand and the air went thick. I worked so hard to rebuild the pieces of my life that had been destroyed two years ago but it turns out that it was all in vain. I was right back there, humiliated, alone and broken hearted. It isn’t Victor’s fault. I can’t blame him for his reaction. I don’t know how I would feel if I ever saw him in the throes of passion with an ex lover. I’m sure it couldn’t have been a great feeling. And oh God, the look on his mother’s face when she told him, so smug and satisfied. I knew she considered me to be nothing more than a gold digger who would never be good enough for her son, and while I never cared about his money she was right in thinking that I wasn’t good enough. That video proved it irrefutably and now he knew it too.

I suddenly feel the need to flee, to just pack my bags and go home where I can lock myself in my house and hide away from the world. What other choice do I have? He couldn’t possibly want me now. He would be crazy to be seen hand in hand with what amounted to an amateur porn star. Leaving is my only option. I will not put him through the embarrassment of being with me or having to explain himself to the media or his fans who already hate the idea of me with him. I’m sure he no longer wants me there. I have to leave before he can break up with me. It will be easier for me to handle if I don’t hear him say the words. I can just go home and pretend that he’s on tour and that he’ll be back someday.

I move away from the window, go to the closet and grab my suitcase. I fling it open onto the bed and start throwing my things in as fast as I can. There is no time for folding, I know he’ll be back soon and I have to get out of here before that. I can’t stand another confrontation like the one we just had. I go to the bathroom and gather my toothbrush, makeup bag and toiletries. I walk back into the bedroom just as Victor is letting himself back into our room. He freezes at the sight of me and looks at me with a blank expression. His gaze moves to the suitcase filled with my things on the bed then back to me. I look away and walk to my suitcase tossing the rest of my things in.

“What are you doing?” he asks, his voice so cold that it sends a shiver through me. I take a deep breath and begin to close my suitcase. The less I say the better. “Leaving.”

I hear him move across the room, closing in on the space between us. I can tell by the sound of his hurried breath that he is now standing directly behind me.

“Turn around and look at me,” he commands.

I hesitate not wanting to see the disgust in his face anymore. It’s too much for me to handle and I know I have to keep it together until I can get out of here.

“Ellie. Turn. Around,” he demands. I know I have no choice. I take a deep breath and do as I’m told but I avoid looking at his face.

“Victor.”

“Why?”

I look down, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole. “Why what?”

“Look at me!” I swallow and quickly look him in the eyes. His beautiful warm eyes have turned cold and I fight back the tears that are threatening. “Why?”

I can’t answer him. I just can’t put myself out there again. I’ve let my guard down and now he’s hurt me too. Not by his own doing but even so, my heart is shattering. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head hoping he’ll accept these gestures as a valid response. I’m afraid that if I open my mouth to speak, I won’t be able to control the tears.

He clenches his fists and takes two steps forward until he’s in my space. I retreat quickly until the back of my legs hit the edge of the bed. As quickly as I back away, he moves forward until I’m left with nowhere to go. I know that I’m cornered and he’s not liking my silence. “Just let me go,” I say.

He gets even closer, making my body go tense. He moves his mouth down to my ear. I can feel his breath there. “You’re not going anywhere.”

I can feel the heat rising through me, I’ve had enough. I put my hands on his chest and push as hard as I can trying to get him out of my way, he does not budge.

“You can’t keep me here!” I yell.

He pulls his head up, looks me in the eyes and grins. “You wanna bet on that?” He takes a step back, walks around me to my suitcase, picks it up and flings it across the room as if it were a Frisbee. I gasp as it hits the wall, clothes thrown everywhere, instinctively I turn to run. I decide my only option is to lock myself in the bathroom until I figure out my next move. I don’t get very far before his arms are around my waist, pulling me to him, my back to his chest.

“Let go of me!” I yell struggling to get free. His grip on me tightens and I know that no matter how hard I fight him, I’m not going anywhere. He’s too strong.

“Jesus, Baby! Calm down.”

I stop struggling as the tears come back. “Just let me save you the trouble of breaking up with me and let me go. Why prolong the inevitable?” I say through my tears.

His body goes stiff behind me and he holds me there, pinned to him for a moment. He takes a deep breath, loosens his grip and turns me around so that we are now facing each other. His expression has changed, no longer hard and angry. It’s something else but I can’t put my finger on what. “Why would you think I’m gonna break up with you?” I try to look down but he grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger and tilts my head up, forcing me to look at him.

“Why wouldn’t you?” I whisper. “Why would you want me now after what you just saw?”

He brings his other hand up so that he’s now cupping my face. He wipes away my tears with his thumbs. “I was angry. Fuck, Baby, I’m still angry but not at you. I’m angry at the whole situation and at that son of a bitch who took advantage of you.” He brings his forehead down and touches it to mine. “I’ll always want you, that’s not gonna change. I can be hot headed and I lose my temper sometimes. I’ll say things that I don’t mean and I’ll throw your suitcase across a room but it doesn’t change how much I love you!”

I’m sobbing uncontrollably now. “You left, you left me here and I just thought…”

“I just needed to clear my head. I saw the direction that the conversation was headed and I didn’t like it. I didn’t wanna blame you for something that I knew you had no control over because I was angry. I thought it was best to take a walk and get myself together. I’m so sorry if you thought that I was leaving you.”

“Did you see that video? It’s horrible and now everyone is gonna see it. They all hate me already. Why would you want to deal with any of that?”

“Who hates you?”

“Umm, your mother for one. She doesn’t just hate me, she detests me. I’m not good enough for you in her eyes. She’s made it very clear that I’m not her choice.”

“Well, it’s a good thing that she doesn’t get a choice. Ellie, I love my mom, I respect her, she’s great at managing my career, but she doesn’t run my life. She does NOT get to choose who I love.”

“I don’t wanna be the girl who causes problems between you and your family, Victor.”

“I’ll handle it. Who else?”

I shake my head. “What?”

“You said they all. Who else doesn’t like you?”

“Umm, your fans. I’ve seen the blogs, I read what they write about me. Not that they ever wanna see you settle down with anyone because it kills their dreams of being the future Mrs. Garza but they especially hate the fact that I’m not Latina.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I agree! But it’s what they’re saying. I’m single handedly destroying what’s left of your career. I’m like the worst thing that ever happened to you!”

He chuckles. “Baby, I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. I love my fans but if they can’t accept you then fuck em. I love my mom but if she can’t accept you then fuck her. I’m prepared to deal with whatever comes our way. I’ve had a great career but I will not allow it to control everything anymore.”

A fresh batch of tears start to form. “I hate this. I’m so embarrassed, Babe.”

“I know you are, Love. It’s gonna be okay. I guarantee you that as we speak, my mother is moving heaven and earth to make sure those videos never see the light of day.”

“Why would she do that? She hates me!”

He smiles at me, a genuine heart stopping smile. “Maybe so, but she’d rather fix this problem than have it become a scandal.”

“Are you gonna go up to her room now?”

“Ummm, I don’t think I can.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re still wearing this robe, and I know what’s underneath it. I don’t think I can leave this room until we get you out of this.” So, he gets me out of my robe and proceeds to make me forget the events of the morning, making love to me again and making me feel loved and protected. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, Victor manages to calm me down and make everything okay again. He shows me that no matter what happens, his love for me is unwavering and unconditional.

Victor holds me in his arms for a long time after we make love. I was just beginning to doze off when he starts speaking. “I can’t get something out of my head,” he says, softly.

“What?”

“You tried to run away from me.”

“Hmm?” I ask, blinking up at him.

“Before, when I was angry and I threw the suitcase, you tried to run away.”

Fuck, why is he bringing this up now? “Umm, I…”

“You were afraid of me.”

“No.” It isn’t a complete lie. Deep down, I know Victor would never hurt me but my retreat was more out of habit than fear.

“Did he hit you, Ellie?” I bury my face in his neck, not wanting to answer the question. “Answer me, Love.”

“Do I have to?” I whisper.

“Yes,” he responds, stroking my hair.

“I never want you to look at me the way you looked at me this morning again.”

He stops stroking. “How did I look at you?”

“I don’t know, angry I guess. Disgusted maybe?”

He tilts his head down so that his lips are at my ear. “What? Angry, yes. I was angry but disgusted, no. You could never disgust me,” he says, placing a kiss on my cheek. “Are you hearing me? I need you to understand this. The picture is becoming clearer now of what he did to you, why you were so gun shy in the beginning. I get it but when you love someone, Babe, you love everything.” I feel the tears burning the back of my eyes. “Nothing that you say to me, nothing that he did to you will ever make me love you any less. I want all of you, the beauty, the silliness, the kindness and I’ll even take the sadness, and the pain. I’ll take it all because it’s a part of you.” He tightens his grip and kisses my forehead. “Do you understand me?”

I nod my head to let him know that I understand, my eyes get blurry with unshed tears. “He hit me towards the end, several times. The last time was the worst after I found out about the other girl. He was angry because when she found out about me, she ended things with him. He came back that night and I could see the rage in his eyes. I knew it was coming and it was bad. Black eye, busted lip, a few bruised ribs.”