Translated Accounts (16 page)

from such an instrument a pattern, and from the pattern

I was staring at the ceiling, and it was as a mirror, I saw myself, staring out at the mountains beyond. Of course screams. I myself had the pain, in the back, of my head

I was out beyond them, the one and those others, what they did, they could do, perpetrators, to talk of hope is to luxuriate in their bosom. There is no hope, there can be no hope, I would not
wish hope, that hope

coloured by failure, my visions, all is marked by it

chipping at the concrete, my beliefs’ foundation, they think to, as though to weaken the stanchions.

no not pain, not so much, not the awareness of it. But I could not locate where/what it was

The back of the head was broken, my head. It was said to me. I could have smiled

they might admit of terrible things. What are terrible things? What they do to me there in these places tethered and tied a goat from childhood I remember

And of wealthy, wealthy. I would ask.

Of our bodies, they fail to cope, cannot evolve, such that they manufacture

What is manufacture

There are requirements, I said, essential

A tawdry thing

vigilant but submissive, apprehensive

casting barely a glance to where my feet might fall

not able to squeeze, squeeze it

mad as not mad (but they suspect me)

that I would have not gone thus, to have remained only

indifferent, loitering, yawning together

My fingers trembled yet I could smile easily, all body.

the dead are inside them, inside me, my feet in the undergrowth, slimy.

they were sturdy enough though ancient

stanchions, ancient

as beliefs

Some people are sarcastic, older people also younger people. As I was young older people were sarcastic, even silence, unto silence, asking questions of them and they are
silent. We ask them questions they do not reply, do not think to reply, yet also it is respect they are demanding of us, as of rights, entitlements. But I said then as now that no, not from myself,
not respect not regard, nothing, unless you show to me that it is an entitlement. Then I shall allow it. So I said to them. You are elderly, we are to show regard for you, our behaviour must be
deferential. If it is to be so, by myself, no, I do not think so. I have had a father, a mother. Have I regard for them, inter, one to another, as between? but if between, what, and if I am not an
equal, I always am so?

If the day will come when equality is there, it is possible, one thinks it must be but perhaps is not so.

But for yourself. Of course it is asked of myself. I am younger. All ask it of myself ourself, for you also, seeing their faces, for we younger ones, it is true that I see them and knowing it is
so expected, deferential behaviour, why? from myself, yes, I am to have such a thing, oh please may I serve you I am younger I may serve you.

Of course it is foolish. If I am thought foolish. It is yourself, thinking I am foolish. I said it to them. Older people. Whose expectations? They are too much. Who holds them. Foolish people.
All are to be treated similarly. Respect is not for long and older ages but is for the actions of people. If these are elderly persons and they have acted better then respect is to them, and
rightly it is so but if respect is not there, neither shown anywhere, how we are to respect such people. It is not possible, only foolish. I cannot lie.

These men stood around, committing sexual acts together, he it was seated. He sat on some thing, not a chair. None else but the other man if he too was there he took his place.
I do not know. It was dark, features were not visible. I think he was not younger but perhaps, if he was younger

I do not know the reason. What reason. What reason might there be. I do not know. Not either about women, I do not know about women, it was not the place for women, who did not go there. This
was by the perimeter where lay the outer encampment. Far from my section.

I do not know.

Yes I was there. I said. Why should I deny it it was nothing. It was far from my section. I would go walking to there.

What of the man who was older, naked man, he had a top covering. Both were older. I said that, if one was younger, older than myself. He was seated on that occasion. They were around him, they
held each their penis, sometimes he. Yes, also, he held it, my penis, I said it. Other men departed. I do not know. What reason. Some lost interest. I said it that they lost interest. They
departed. To somewhere. I do not know. Men lose interest, go away. I said what happened. I do not know about these two men. I saw the younger man. I said that I did. Having regard for me, yes, I
said it, having regard for me, he had it. He also would look. Of course. I know that he would. It was not rape. I am saying it. Yes, I have heard. These terms, definitions. Perhaps if it was rape,
no, I am saying it, it was not.

These were men. Not women, girls, none would be there, they would not be taken to there, it was men, some older. Not boys, these would not be taken. Men. Men masturbated. Yes men masturbated of
course men masturbated. They masturbated. What should I say. Each other. I do not know. Of course each other. I do not know.

They lose interest, depart, go away, they go away.

Who would recognise individuals, not recognise individuals.

It was very dark, I walked to there, I knew men were together, between these huts, in darkness, shadows, they came to there.

He had regard for myself. I do not know what women know. It was for myself and to myself. I know it. Some held each other, he held me, I have said. I do not know. If he did look for me. What is
there I can deny, what I am to deny, if other matters, I have heard of these other matters.

Each one of us, we hear them, of them. Some in whispers. Of course I too heard these whispers. I have nothing to be forgiven. I said of his regard, I also had regard, yes for him.

I did see his face. I said that I did not, I did not see individuals. I did see it. Perhaps others, more. Yes. Men did not look to one another, their faces. Not to their faces. I did say that.
It is what I said and I say it now that they did not look, not one to another. I do not know what women know. The men crowded round. Some younger, older, I have said it all. They came to there from
elsewhere, they would gather individually, I think, one to one, I think, yes, individually, perhaps together. Then depart, some return, I think. None spoke except as in sexual activity.

Sexual activity. They would say things, whisper them, fiercely, yes, some if not all. No I do not say unusual, if fiercely. Not what women say, I do not know. I did not go often. Some went
often. I know that. I said that I did not.

I did, I said that I did.

One heard voices, saw shapes. It was there in the shadows by the perimeter, shapes, I was walking. I had gone from my section and was walking. At the perimeter I could see out and to the
mountains beyond the outer encampment, I wished to see the mountains and think of my place, home. There were the shapes and the shadows. I did not recognise at first. When first I went. I had not
known. This is what I speak, drawing me on. Closer and I heard breathing and saw there the huts, between them, dark, shadows.

I did not know. Perhaps I did think might be. We could not go near to women and we could not

although

I speak of the men, being tempted, how I was, yes, one of them, drawing onwards, the breathing, rasping, is rasping, these muffled sounds, quiet and what is to say, tempting to onwards, to me my
heart, I was pounding and tension all, me, nerves of course yes in my stomach

men, this is not surprising. I was not then a psychologist I am not now a psychologist, sexual only, arousal. I went to between the huts. Slow or fast, if I know, why I do know, and if I know.
Fast, well then

I do not think of this. How can it be. It is not serious. The men saw me or did not see me. They did not look. I saw the shapes, heard the breathing. Some held each their penis, penises, some
out, some did. Who would take them, these two, both men. Yes to me, if that was what one would want, I would want, yes, held them to me if for me, but I did not so want. These grouped together. One
with his hand at me, yes, onto me, yes, I allowed it. Of course. I said of course.

I saw then someone seated and men were round him. All were male, he too, if all were then he also, I knew this. I said that I did. Women were not there, we could not go to women I could not go
to women, women, who would not be there.

I approached, I had approached, entered. The space had opened. They made the passage. For me, allowed me that I enter. I do not know. A way to enter. I did not think it then. He who was seated
had looked to me. None else would to have seen me. They did not look to each other but to their bodies, penis. I have said, yes. And the man seated naked, they lined round him, his back was to the
wall, wall of the hut. He pulled me to him. I saw to the other man. We did not look to faces. I may have seen him, older man, not from my section. He had not regard for myself, was not from my
section, not close to there. I do not think so. For myself yes arousal, sexuality. I can say it, of course, why not, it was nothing, arousal, I had arousal. Yes he pulled me to him. Other men
grouped there round him round me, and the other man there I saw that he also was naked, top covering. Hands were at my shoulders. Someone, had put hands to my shoulders, onto. I did not strike at
them punch at them, of course not it was not attack, I was not attacked. He was to my rear, I did not see him, his breathing. The other held me. It was not rape. Held me. My penis. I have said, it
is not serious. But it is not serious. Men will masturbate.

There at that place in darkness, in shadows, no sounds, not

as noiseless, noiseless, the slightest of wind, breeze only a whisper, the breaths. I did not recognise other men. None did so, so searching for that, recognition.

Only the one man and if two men it would be two men, one followed by one and would have seen, could not avoid thus seeing that one. I did not wish to. I saw the one seated, younger man, I saw
him there and knew him, he it was and these others round him. I had not known this of him. Yes his regard for me, I said it. Myself, I would not have such feeling, nothing. He it was humiliated, I
was not. He was naked, I was not. These men lined round him, he wanted of me, me to him, pulled me to him. He had others, yes, what else. I had pity for him. I said of his regard.

I could not see. He was naked. Of course men ejaculated. Masturbated ejaculated. Of course. He did not think himself humiliated. It was not myself humiliated. No I do not think so that he
thought I thought that he was humiliated, perhaps. Certainly he was. Before these men. I said that.

What I did say, pitied him. I pitied him. I had a regard. I said it.

Hands were at my shoulders. What other man. I did not see other man, other men. Yes the other man who was the older man, yes I saw him. He was from elsewhere. He knelt beside the other. I did
not see the features of him, colour of his hair, he had hair, I could not see these things, darkness and shadows and the men there crowded, always shadows and shapes, it was not possible. I did not
see the uniform, not a uniform if a uniform. If he had a uniform what uniform I did not see, he was naked, only the top covering. Hands were at my shoulders.

These are details.

I went from there.

I went from there, departed. Men depart. I was not naked he was naked, these two. I was not naked he it was seated, pulled me to him. Of course not rape. I do not know. Perhaps he was older
younger. The space had opened, they made the passage, men crowding. He was naked. What man. The other man, having regard for him. I did not know of sexual natures. Yes, I have said. He pulled me to
him. Men ejaculate, commit masturbation. I also did, yes. None, no men, none others. These two only. Hands were at my shoulders. One only. I think. I said. I had regard for him. He for myself, so
having, yes, regard for myself. Yes, I said it. Of course not he. I was not he. I was not naked. I was not seated, not kneeling, it was the other man older man I have said, yes, kneeling there,
hands at my shoulders.

Men masturbate, commit suicide. Also, yes, I have heard, it is a common thought, a problem of life, one would waste no time in resolve. I wasted none, then was not such a time. These are
musings, lying alone. To say that I was not seated, of course I was not seated. I might have sipped at the water, later, thoughts of life, thoughts of myself.

They had given me water. Who.

Why I had survived this period. As we all, we talk. We have habits, they come to our assistance. If there may be questions, I do not think so. People were violated. I do not hide it from myself,
certainly. I ask what might others have done. I myself was not humiliated, not violated. I am certain, of course.

It is for others to believe and not believe. I do not care, psychology, who has psychology, theoretics.

Men from other sections, from my section also. I did not know them. But him, yes, I have said, if he was older I do not know. I said that he was. Both men, seated. If I was younger I cannot say
that, not for others who did not look to faces, one did not look to faces, neither one to another.

I had not known any thing. I had been walking and then at the perimeter where I could see out to the mountains beyond the outer encampment, wishing to see the mountains, thinking of my place.
One walked to there.

I said there were the shapes, there were the shadows. I did not know, what was this, I did not know but then hearing the breathing, rasping of breath. I might not suppose. Women could not be
there in that place it was men. I have said it, now saying it and again, again, yes, it was not violation.

I stepped out. Lying in the hut and alone and these thoughts in one’s head, racing racing and if dawn is to break

I have been clear