Trading Paint (Racing on the Edge) (31 page)

I shrugged. I’d been on the receiving end of his temper tantrums long enough to know it wasn’t me. I should have been pissed but then again, I didn’t take it personally. He meant absolutely nothing by it.

I never did figure out where all the moodiness came from but within a few hours and half the bottle of Jack Daniels, we found ourselves back on the dance floor together this time. Jameson could barely stand let alone dance so he spent most of the time with me holding him up.

I don’t know why I let him take his frustrations out on me but if I had to guess these days, it was because to me that’s what friends were for. If he couldn’t show frustration to me, who could he show it to? To me, that’s the best friend I could ever ask for. He was one I could vent to and understood. He was one that never asked questions and was simply there because they wanted to be. That was us.

Redlining – Jameson

As winter passed, I found myself in Barberville Florida for the sprint car DIRTcar Nationals and then it was onto Ocala Florida for the USAC Sprint season opener in February with the rest of my team including Sway.

Judging by the conversation I’d heard from Charlie, Sway wouldn’t be traveling as much and by mid-summer, she’d missed an entire month of racing including the Knoxville Nationals and the Kings Royal which were two sprint car events she loved to attend.

It wasn’t the same without her. I found myself turning to other women in the hopes that they provided a blanket for the pain but it did nothing; it only made me feel worse and guilty but I still turned to them. And it was easy.

I didn’t even have to try. When the race was over, they were all over me. They knew what they wanted and I just wanted relief. They never asked questions and never expected anything from me. It was almost like a silent agreement and it worked well with my lifestyle.

My season started out shitty, got shittier and then ended shitty. It was by far the worst season I’d ever run but I took comfort in knowing all the frontrunners struggled too. I ended up third in the Silver crown division, we struggled constantly with the asphalt tracks and when half the races are on asphalt—it did nothing for our points.

I did better in the midgets and ended up second in points but the sprint cars I placed fifth. I was not pleased with that at all. I was pissed actually.

I still raced in everything I could and won quite a bit but it wasn’t enough. It seemed that besides the asphalt tracks we struggled on the dry-slick as well. By winter, we did some serious re-structuring and even switched manufacturers of a few parts.

Something wasn’t right and I didn’t feel that my driving ability had dropped off because I could still compete at the same level in the Outlaw sprints, late models and the occasional modified.

Top five finishes in all three divisions wasn’t bad but I was a perfectionist and hated losing.

Justin and Tyler felt the same way so on the way back from Turkey Night, that I once again lost, this time to Justin, we vented.

“I can’t believe this fucking season!” I griped. “I’ve never raced this horribly.”

“I feel your pain man,” Tyler said. “I think I destroyed ten cars this season and a few concrete walls.”

“Yeah well,” Justin began tossing his bag in the overhead compartment on the plane we were boarding. “I got more fines than both you put together.”

“Tsk
tsk
tsk
, Justin.” I taunted. “You should have learned pushing a USAC official.”

“Yeah, like you?” he countered sitting down next to me.

He may have beaten me in fines but that was only because I harassed them in ways I didn’t get caught. It seemed that I spent more time defending my actions on the track than I did racing but when you’re having luck like our team was and sponsors began breathing down your neck, you tend to get a little fired up at times. Those who didn’t understand that clearly didn’t understand the pressures put upon us.

“You are so full of shit Riley.” Justin pushed my shoulder. “My foot slipped off the throttle, I swear!” he mimicked in a deep voice he tried to push off as mine.

My voice was hardly deep, crackly at times but not deep.

“I don’t sound like that and I still maintain my foot slipped.”

“Can I get you boys anything to drink?” a flight attendant asked us politely.

“Beers
...
keep ‘
em
coming honey.” Justin teased with her.

We all order non-alcoholic drinks because she checked our damn ID’s.

I leaned back and relaxed, needing the alone time. These seasons ran from February to November and left modest amounts of down time.

By the time November rolled around, you were exhausted both mentally and physically. I checked my phone once more, hoping to see a text or voicemail from Sway and she didn’t disappoint.

There’s always next year buddy. I have a beer waiting for you.

I smiled and sent a text before the plane departed.

Thanks. See you soon.

I couldn’t wait to see Sway. The last time I saw her was toward the end of October and I missed her.

She was finishing finals for her freshman year at Western. I wasn’t sure I could take another three years like this one. If her not being with me had an impact on the way my racing would be affected without her then I was fucked. I knew she couldn’t continue to travel and go to school and something had to give this season, for both of us.

Redlining – Sway

When I got home that night from seeing Jameson and the rest of the Riley family, Charlie was waiting up.

By the grim expression on his face, I knew what was coming.

“You need to get your head out of your ass Sway, if you’re going to do this, finish it. If not, follow him around but I guarantee you he won’t see you for who you are.” His voice continued to rise with each word. “I didn’t raise a pit lizard!”

I didn’t know what to say to that, what could I say?

I was acting and behaving like a pit lizard. When he called, I came running. I blew off finals; I stood up friends, anything if he needed me.

Something had to give and I knew what it was, me. I couldn’t be in two places at once and it wasn’t fair to Jameson for me to promise to be there and then not show. He didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t handle the guilt any longer.

I loved him but yet I couldn’t tell him. I wanted him but yet, I couldn’t tell him simply because I knew how he felt. I was a distraction to him and he needed to focus. Last season was a prime example.

I watched highlights from the races I wasn’t at and heard about the temper tantrums and the girls. This wasn’t my best friend but that somehow had something to do with me. There were times that I thought maybe he might have some feelings but then he’d pull away. I don’t think Jameson knew what he wanted, besides racing.

Alley told me he checked his phone more than anything, called non-stop and when I was there, he finally focused.

Some could view this as him having feelings but I knew Jameson well enough to know that wasn’t the case. He depended on me because I was the one person who could keep him at ease. But I also had my dad to think about.

He wanted me to take over at Grays Harbor eventually as he had no one else to do it and I couldn’t let him down.

Charlie had worked so hard for so long to build Grays Harbor into the facility it was and I couldn’t just let him throw all that away. That track meant more to us than we could ever really express. When he was broken, racing put him back together, that track put him together. I couldn’t let him down so I made the decision to focus on school. I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to make it away from my family for so long but I tried to be a big girl about it,
tried
. It didn’t work out so well when I saw Jameson the night before I left to Bellingham for winter quarter.

Redlining – Jameson

“When did she tell you that?” I demanded of Spencer.

We were standing inside the sprint car shop in Elma and I set the torsion bar down. I was far too unstable to be holding something capable of destroying anything. I had been in here all morning avoiding my family and everyone else.

“She told Alley and I overheard.” Spencer sat down on a rear tire crossing his arms over his chest. “It was too hard for her last season
...
you can’t expect her to travel with us forever. Like you said, she’s not your girlfriend.”

“What exactly did she say?”

“Just that she’s leaving for Bellingham. In order to graduate in three years she has to finish up there. Her online classes weren’t working out real well.”

I knew this was going to happen but it pissed me off to no end that she didn’t tell me first. I thought we were best friends and now I have to find out from my fucking brother that when I leave in a few weeks she’s not coming with me?

I spent the rest of the day out there afraid to be around anyone but myself.

Sway came over that night and one look at her flushed distraught appearance and I couldn’t stay mad.

We sat in silence on my bed for a while before I sighed. I had to just get it over with and it had been eating at me all day.

“Spencer said you aren’t coming.” I mumbled my stomach knotted at the thought. I was surprised I got the words out.

“That fucking brat,” she said shaking her head defeated.

“So it’s true?”

“No
...
I mean yes; it’s true. I can’t go with you guys but I wanted to tell you myself not have that ape tell you.”

Hanging my head my eyes dropped to my hands.

“When do you leave for Bellingham?”

“Tomorrow,”

Nodding I reached for her and pulled her into a tight hug and moved to lay down on my bed holding her. I nearly cried. I could feel the tears sting my eyes but I held my own, barely. My self-control was wavering when she burst into tears and clung to my sweatshirt.

“I’m sorry, I just
...
”

I silenced her cries with my lips for a quick kiss and pulled away before I gave in and kissed her the way I wanted to, did the things I wanted to. “Don’t apologize.”

“I just
...
I want to be there with you guys. You guys are my family and now I’m traveling to Bellingham alone
...
I don’t even know anyone up there.” She wailed.

“It’s all right honey. I can come see you when I can. I’ll fly out there or something.” I reassured her. “I think maybe July might be fairly open so I’ll just skip a few races.”

“No,” she shook her head. “You can’t do that. You made this decision to race and I will not settle for you doing this half-assed. You want to be the best; you have to work hard.”

I knew that but the thought of her alone up there was killing me.

We eventually stopped talking and fell asleep like that on my bed. I held her the entire night hoping that offered a sense of comfort for her. I knew then that she didn’t want to leave and not come with me but it was once again Sway choosing someone else’s needs over her own. I was furious with Charlie that he was making her go to college. What if she didn’t want to work for him? He never gave her an option and I hated that. At least with me, I asked her if she wanted to come. I may have thrown a fit when she didn’t but I still asked. Charlie just told her what she’d be doing and assumed that’s what she wanted.

When it was time to say goodbye, she was an emotional basket case and like everything else, I held it in, afraid that if I allowed myself to feel, it would break me.

“It takes a tough person to do what you do
...
don’t second guess yourself.” Sway choked over her tears.

“I won’t.” I mumbled.

I had yet to look into her eyes. My own were fixated on my hands fumbling with the hole in my jeans as I sat on the porch.

“Just don’t forget that. Remember why you’re doing this.”

I nodded pulling her into a tight hug. I said nothing else but when I got home that afternoon, I sent her a text.

See you in Eldora.

The next time we would get to see each other was three months away. I had a feeling this wasn’t going to work and when the season opener for the USAC sprint cars opened in Ocala the following week and I wrecked, it was confirmed.

It didn’t help that a new driver Brad Wheeler tangled with me every lap and then finally clipped my right rear sending me flying into the catch fence.

I was not happy.

When USAC suspended me for two races, I lost it at the hotel room that night.

I destroyed everything in that hotel room that night. I couldn’t stop.