Trade Off (15 page)

Sela waited until he slammed the door hard enough to rattle the pictures hanging on her walls before she lowered her head to the desk and allowed the sobs to flow freely.

Aiden walked into his childhood home, still feeling shell-shocked from the bomb his former girlfriend had detonated. He’d driven around for hours, past their old school, the lake where they used to park and make love under the stars, and the little home she shared with her parents. He was tempted to knock on their door, but he was still too raw to face them.

“Hey, what the hell happened to you?” Brianna asked, looking up from the textbook in her lap. “You look like you just lost your best friend.”

“That’s what it feels like, kid.” He sat down in the oversized armchair across from his sister and closed his eyes. When he moved back home, he wanted to put the past to rest, but he never expected to learn that the girl he loved most of his life wasn’t the person he believed her to be. She felt like a stranger to him now. Not only did he feel as though he didn’t know her anymore, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the woman she’d become.

“Does this have anything to do with Sela?” Brianna asked, setting the book down beside her.

“What makes you think that?”

“I remember the highs and lows back when you two were together. When it was good, you were on top of the world, but when y’all were fighting, it was like someone ran over your dog. I hated seeing you like that.”

He found it interesting he seemed to have erased the bad times his sister remembered. During the past eight years, whenever he thought of Sela, he’d recall her beautiful smile, infectious laugh, or the way her eyes lit up when she was aroused or excited. Now, he wondered if he would ever be able to think of her without feeling bitter about the son she never wanted him to know.

“I guess I let myself forget about all those arguments.” He tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He’d rather fixate on the bad times now. It would help fuel the fury burning in his gut.

“Did you have a fight today? Is that what put you in this mood?”

He and his sister had always been close, but he didn’t know if she could relate to how he felt. As a woman, it may be easier for her to put herself in his ex-girlfriend’s position. “I don’t know if I’d call it an argument exactly. Let’s just say she told me some things about the past, and now I have to figure out how I’m gonna deal with it.”

“You wanna talk about it?” she asked quietly, pulling her legs up to rest her chin on her knee as she wrapped her arms around her legs.

He’d been trying to make sense of it on his own for hours, to no avail. Maybe getting someone else’s perspective would help. “Sela found out she was pregnant shortly after I left Nashville.”

Brianna gasped. “Oh my God, are you serious? Is that why she married Neil? Was the baby his?”

“No, it was mine.”

“But… I don’t understand. Why would she marry him if she was pregnant with your baby?”

“According to her, she didn’t wanna mess with my plans.”

“Huh.”

Aiden looked up at his sister, trying to read her pensive expression. “What does that mean?”

“I’m just trying to put myself in her position. She was so young, so were you. She must’ve been scared out of her mind.”

“Yeah, she said she was.”

“What happened to the baby?”

He could barely get the word past the lump in his throat. “Miscarriage.”

“I’m sorry, that sucks.”

“Yeah, it does.” As young as he’d been, he would have given anything for his son to be born healthy. He thought of the boy he’d be today. He’d probably be teaching him to play hockey, maybe coaching his… Damn it, he couldn’t let himself go there. He couldn’t afford to waste any more time thinking about what might have been.  

“It must have been rough on Sela, too. Were her parents there for her, at least?”

He shrugged. Feeling compassion for a woman who’d judged him unfit to be a parent to his own child was hard. “She said they weren’t too happy about it. I guess they’ve mended the rift since then.”

“I’m trying to imagine how I would have felt in her situation, just graduated high school, planning for college in the fall… boyfriend dumps you…”

“Damn it, Bri, I didn’t dump her!”

“You left her behind, same difference.”

“Are you tellin’ me this is my fault? How the hell was I supposed to know she was pregnant? It’s not like she thought to clue me in.”

She lowered her legs and clutched a throw pillow to her abdomen. “I know. What would you have done if you had known? Would it have changed anything?”

“Of course, it would have changed everything, you know that. I’m not the kind of guy who could abandon his own kid.” He smirked. “We both know the old man would kick my ass if I even thought about pullin’ a stunt like that.”

Brianna scoffed. “Ain’t that the truth. So, what would you have done differently? Would you have taken Sela away from her home and family and set her up in some fancy condo with a nanny while you spent most of the year on the road playing hockey?”

He thought about how much Sela would have hated that. She was an intelligent, active, and outgoing woman. To be so isolated would torture her. “I don’t know what I would have done.”

“Or would you have given up your dream so you could be a daddy to that baby?”

“I said I don’t know what I would’ve done.” He tried to tamp down his frustration with his sister. He wasn’t ready to face the tough questions yet, and he resented the fact she refused to back down. No question in his mind, she would be one hell of a litigator one day.

“Those were your only two choices, and quite frankly, they both suck.” When he raised his head to glare at her, she stuck her tongue out at him. “I don’t care if this isn’t what you wanna hear. It’s the truth, and you know it. Sela was in an impossible situation. She was a teenager for Christ’s sake, Aiden. How can you hold her accountable for—”

“She wasn’t gonna tell me about the baby. She was gonna pass that kid off as Neil’s, that’s why she married him.”

“Okay, that was a really shitty thing to do.”

“You’re tellin’ me. How the hell could she do somethin’ like that, Bri? I mean, as a woman, would you even consider doin’ somethin’ like that to a guy you claim to love?”

“Uh, I don’t have a whole lot of experience with love. None, in fact, so I’m probably not the best person to ask.”

His sister had never had a shortage of male admirers, but she had been so focused on getting an education that she rarely made time for serious relationships. “I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do. Neil’s been traded…”

“Is Sela going with him?”

“I don’t think so. Their marriage has been a crock from the start. I think they both realize it’s time to end the misery.”

“Do you still love her?”

He thought about it a long time before he responded. “If you’d asked me that question yesterday, I wouldn’t even have hesitated. I would’ve said hell yeah, she’s the only woman I’ve ever loved, but now I don’t even feel like I know her anymore.”

“Can I give you a bit of advice?”

“Sure.”

“None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Before you decide that her mistakes are unforgiveable, ask yourself if the situation was reversed, and you were the one begging forgiveness, wouldn’t you hope that she could find it in her heart to show you a little mercy?”

Sela sat in the driveway of the house she shared with her husband for a long time before finally cutting the engine. No matter what happened with Aiden, she knew she’d put this conversation off too long.

“Hey there,” Neil said, looking up from the suitcase he’d been zipping up.

His favorite suits were laid out on the bed, partially enclosed in garment bags, and several large suitcases already sat by the door to their bedroom. Apparently, he was anxious to start his new life in Los Angeles, with or without her.

“I was wonderin’ when you were gonna get home. I wanted to stick around so we could talk, but I’ve got a cab comin’ to take me to the airport in a few minutes.”

When she didn’t say anything, he held his arms out to her. Without hesitation, she stepped into his embrace. “I’m gonna miss you,” she whispered, clutching his back. “I wish you didn’t have to go.”

She knew it was selfish of her to wish he could stay, to hold her hand and help her through the dismal days ahead, but he’d already sacrificed too much of his life to be there for her. It was time to let him go so he could find the happiness he deserved with someone who could love him in a way she never could.

“Hey,” he said, framing her face with his hands. “Please don’t cry. I hate to see you so sad.” He brushed at her tears with the pad of his thumbs. “We both knew this day had to come, honey. Whether it was a week from now or five years from now, we couldn’t go on this way, sharin’ the same house, the same bed, but livin’ separate lives. You deserve better than that.”

She shook her head as she gripped his wrists. “No, I don’t, but you do.”

“Now where is that comin’ from?”

“Aiden knows about the baby. I told him.” She sucked in a deep breath despite the pain in her chest. “He hates me, just like I knew he would.”

“He could never hate you, no matter what he says. That guy has always loved you, and he always will.”

“No, not anymore. He can’t even stand the sight of me.”

He held her hands as he led her to the bed. He shifted his suitcase aside so they could sit down. “I was bein’ selfish when I convinced you to marry me, and I hate myself for that.”

“How can you say that after you gave up everything to marry me? You were willing to be a father to a baby that wasn’t even yours. You offered to help my family, and you were such a good friend to me—”

Neil pressed a finger against her lips to silence her. “You and Aiden were two of my best friends, and the only thing I was thinkin’ about was how I could use the situation to my advantage to get what I wanted. I’ve hated myself for a long time because of that. Hell, the guilt’s been eatin’ me alive. I think that’s part of the reason I’ve been down so much…” He released a breath. “I’m gonna stop by and see Aiden on my way to the airport. I don’t expect him to forgive me, but I’d like him to know that I’m sorry.”

Sela squeezed his hands. “I think it’s sweet that you wanna make things right between you two, but I don’t think he’s ready to listen to anything we have to say right now.”

“That’s a chance I’m willin’ to take.” He brushed a hand over her hair as he leaned in to kiss her forehead. “You gonna be okay without me?”

She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “I think so.” She tried to smile, but the attempt turned into a wobbly, watery failure. “I’m gonna try.”

“You keep the house and whatever you need in terms of support. I’m more than happy to provide, you know that.”

She reached up to stroke his bristly cheek. “You’re sweet to offer, but I’ve already taken too much from you. If we sell the house and split the proceeds, that’ll be more than enough for me to buy a little condo and keep the business afloat for a while longer.”

“I don’t want you to have to struggle after everything we’ve been through, honey.” He brought her hands to his lips. “You’ll always be one of my best friends. I want you to know that.”

“I feel the same way,” she whispered. “I need to know you’re gonna be okay.”

“To tell you the truth, I’m feelin’ pretty good about the future, better than I have in a long, long time.”

“I’m glad.”

“I think I’m gonna try and find a counselor when I move out to L.A. It’s not a big deal out there. I figure everyone’s gotta be seein’ a shrink, right?”

She laughed through her tears, trying to lighten the mood. “If they’re not, then they probably should be.”

“Then I’ll be in good company.” He kissed her cheek, absorbing her tears. “I love you. You’ve been a better friend than I deserved, and bein’ married to you has been the highlight of my miserable life. I mean that.”

She sniffled as she pushed against his chest. “Stop saying things like that or I may never stop crying.”

He laughed as he stood up and pulled her to feet. “You’re gonna make things right with Aiden, I know you will.” He framed her face with his hands and leaned in to kiss her forehead. “You guys belong together, but you have to make sure there are no more secrets. Just be honest with him about
everything
from now on.”

She rested her head on his shoulder. “The only thing he doesn’t know about yet is my daddy’s illness. I’ll tell him, if… well… I’m just gonna wait and see what happens. I’m not ready to start thinking about the future just yet.”

Aiden was jogging up the stairs after an intense workout when the doorbell rang. Without checking the peephole, he opened the door. When he saw Neil’s smiling face on the other side, he was tempted to slam it shut, but his curiosity overruled his pride.

“What the hell do you want?”

Neil flattened his hand on the door, as though he sensed Aiden’s impulse to kick him out before he had his say. “I need to talk to you before I leave town.”