Trade Off (13 page)

Neil had been traded? Did that mean his wife was going with him, or had they decided to finally put an end to this farce of a marriage? “No, I haven’t talked to her. I had no idea about the trade. Where you headed?”

“L.A.”

“Because you can’t stand the thought of playin’ on the same team with me?” Aiden remembered sitting with Neil by the pool at his parents’ place when they were teenagers, fantasizing about what playing on the same professional hockey team would be like, sharing their childhood dream, but it seemed like a lifetime since they’d shared anything. Looking at him now, a part of Aiden missed his best friend, but as he looked down at the band of gold on Neil’s left hand, he was reminded of why they could never resurrect their relationship.

“L.A. had their eye on me last year, but we weren’t able to hammer out a deal. With you bein’ back, I had the incentive I needed to take another look at their offer.”

“Ouch.” Aiden clutched his chest. He figured humor was his best chance of getting through the door. “Don’t pull any punches, Michaels.”

“I never do. You know that.” He opened the door a little wider. “If you’re here to see… my wife—”

“I’m here to see you. Don’t you think we should talk?”

Neil seemed to consider his request before he finally pulled the door open. “Fine, but I don’t have a lot of time. I got to take care of some stuff.”

“No worries, this won’t take long.” The framed photos of the happy, smiling couple hit Aiden like a punch in the gut. He should have been prepared for evidence of the life they’d built together, but seeing the proof of so many good days made convincing himself that Sela had never loved her husband the way she’d loved him more difficult. “Nice place you got here.”

“Thanks, we like it.” Neil closed the door and led Aiden into a comfortable family room. “You want anything to drink?”

“No, I’m good, thanks.” He couldn’t help but smile. “When did we get so grown up, huh?”

Neil chuckled. “I don’t know. I gotta admit, I’ve imagined what we’d say to each other if we were stuck in the same room together, but beverages never made the list.”

“Oh yeah? What did?” Aiden held his breath as he gave his old friend an opening. He wanted to know what he’d been thinking, what motivated him to make the choices he made, and whether he even considered what it might do to him or their friendship.

Neil sank into an oversized armchair and propped his feet up on the ottoman. “Honestly, I’ve gone back and forth between feelin’ guilty and hatin’ your guts.”

Aiden sat on the couch across from him, linked his hands, and leaned forward. “Why’d you feel guilty?”

“You know why.” He rubbed the towel over his face. “I did a pretty shitty thing, marryin’ your girl first chance I got.”

“So, why’d you do it?”

Neil shrugged. “She needed me. I needed her.”

“Did you ever stop to think about what it would do to me?”

Neil looked at him a long time before he responded. “You were the closest thing to family I ever had. You know that?”

The years flew by in a whirl of memories as Aiden remembered them as eight-year-old boys playing street hockey until his mom called them in for dinner, and then the later years as they fought for a spot on the best hockey teams, competing to be the best, but never forgetting their friendship came first. “Man, what the hell happened to us?”

“Your talent came between us. I’m ashamed to admit it, but it’s true.” Neil’s eyes lingered at a framed photo of he and Sela on the mantle. “I wanted to be you. You had this awesome family who’d do anything to help you succeed, you were a good student, all the teachers loved you, you were popular…” He sighed. “I could live with all that, but when it became obvious you were gonna make it and I might get left behind, I didn’t know how to cope with that.”

“But you didn’t get left behind. You made it, too.”

“Yeah.” He linked his hands behind his head. “But I’m a goon. We all know it.”

“Don’t say shit like that, Michaels. You’re a talented defenseman. Any team would be lucky to have you in their line-up.”

He smirked. “You almost sound like you mean that.”

“I do, asshole.” Aiden grinned. “So, quit feelin’ sorry for yourself.”

“I’m not, but you asked what happened between us. That’s what happened.” He looked down at his wedding band. “Hockey was the only thing I ever had in my miserable life, ya know? My mom didn’t give a shit about me, I didn’t know my old man, my grades sucked…” He slipped the ring on and off. “If I hadn’t made it, I’d probably be workin’ in a factory now, punchin’ a clock and countin’ down the hours ‘til the weekend.”

“You don’t know that. None of us know what would have happened…”

“I’m sorry.”

Of all the things Aiden had expected him to say, that wouldn’t even have made the list. “For what?”

“Where do I begin? With the fact that I was a shitty excuse for a friend?”

“No, you weren’t. You always had my back.”

“I loved you like a brother, but a part of me hated you too, ’cause you had so much and I had nothin’.”

“Is that why you took Sela from me?”

They looked at each other a long time before Neil said, “I never took her from you, not really. She may live in my house and share my bed, but her heart belongs to you. After a few years, I had to face facts. That’s when I started seein’ other women.”

“You son of a bitch! You mean to tell me you were married to a woman I would’ve given my right arm to call my wife and you are dumb enough to cheat on her?” Aiden knew letting his rage get the better of him was the worst course of action, but when he thought about someone, anyone, hurting or betraying Sela, it made him see red.

“It may seem black and white from where you’re sittin’, Coop, but trust me, it wasn’t. It was lonely as hell bein’ married to her, but I knew I’d be even lonelier without her, so whenever she talked about leavin’, I guilted her into stayin’.”

“Why the hell would you wanna be with someone who didn’t wanna be with you?”

“Man, what woman in her right mind would wanna be with me?”

Aiden’s conscience wouldn’t allow him to ignore that comment. “Man, you’re too hard on yourself. Always were. You’re a professional hockey player, for Christ’s sake. How many people can say that?”

“Yeah, a professional hockey player with anger management issues who’s always one drink away from gettin’ behind the wheel and endin’ it all.”

Dread and fear began to take hold as Aiden tried to deny what he knew to be the truth. “Are you tryin’ to tell me you’re suicidal?”

“I’m not gonna lie to you, I’ve thought about endin’ it from time to time.” He drew a shaky breath. “Lately, I’ve thought about it a lot.”

Aiden didn’t know what to say, so he remained silent, hoping Neil would tell him he was kidding or, at the very least, overdramatizing.

“Man, this is crazy. I’ve never told anyone this.” A ghost of a smile passed his lips. “But then I always told you shit I couldn’t tell anyone else, so maybe it’s not so crazy.” He leaned forward, propped his elbows on his knees, and covered his mouth with his hand before he said, “I hate that I messed up your life, yours and Sela’s. I never meant to bring you guys down with me.”

He’d never expected to hear those words from Neil, and now that he was, he was afraid his motive to unburden himself may be a cry for help. “Sela made her own choices, so did I.” Aiden realized it was true. He’d spent the better part of the last decade making Neil out to be the bad guy because he needed to direct his anger at someone, but it wasn’t Neil’s fault. He’d been hoping to find safety, security, love… “I don’t blame you, not anymore.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that.”

“What’s the plan now? Is Sela movin’ to L.A. with you?” He didn’t want to lose her again, but he knew his life wouldn’t end without her. He couldn’t say the same for Neil.

“Nah, she’ll probably stay here. Our marriage was over a long time ago, but I kept tryin’ to hold on. When I heard you were movin’ back, I knew it was only a matter of time before you guys sorted things out.”

Aiden couldn’t take pleasure in Neil’s pain. In spite of the years of bad blood, they’d had more good years than bad and he couldn’t forget those now when the other man looked so dejected. “What does that mean for you? Are you gonna be okay?”

“What do you care?”

“I know I shouldn’t, but I do.”

“You always were
that
guy, Coop. The one who made the rest of us look bad.” He tried to laugh, but it escaped as a croak instead. “I guess that’s why Sela loved you and not me, huh?”

“I know I should hate you… I should take some perverse pleasure in seein’ you suffer, but I can’t. I hate that we let a woman destroy our friendship, even if that woman is the love of my life.”

Neil raised an eyebrow. “You still feel that way about her, huh?”

“Yeah, I do. Does that bother you?” Aiden held his breath as he waited for Neil’s reaction. He came here because he knew it was time for brutal honesty, but he knew his adversary could strike without a moment’s notice, especially when he felt cornered. He needed to be ready for the possible backlash, physically and emotionally. He realized, as he sat there waiting, he didn’t want to fight with Neil anymore. He didn’t want to assign blame or hold on to the pain or hurt he’d worn around like a second skin. He just wanted to let it go so they could all figure out how to move on with their lives.

“I thought it would, but…” His eyes were fixed on a pattern in the Persian rug at his feet when he said, “I haven’t been able to summon the energy to care about much of anything lately.”

“Have you talked to the team doctor about it?”

“Are you kiddin’? You know what it’s like, man, any reason to bench you, and they’re all over it.”

Aiden had played on a professional team for too long to insult him by denying the claim. They all lived with the daily threat of younger, more talented players trying to steal their spot, not to mention the risk of injury. In spite of Aiden’s attempts to bolster his spirits, the reality was that, unlike Aiden, Neil was one of the dispensable players. Any hint of trouble, physically or mentally, and they would force him to take a leave until he was well enough to play again. If that day ever came.

“You’re not even gonna try to deny it, are you?” Neil smirked. “Thanks for not blowin’ smoke, man.”

“Maybe you could see a doc on the q.t. Someone who could prescribe somethin’ to make ya feel better.”

“I’ve thought about it, but I can’t take that kind of risk. Prescription drugs could mess with my performance, plus if anyone found out I was bein’ treated for…” He let the potential diagnosis go unsaid, as though he couldn’t face the reality of his situation. “Did you know my old lady was bi-polar?”

Aiden couldn’t hide his shock when his jaw dropped. “No. Jesus, why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

“It’s not the kind of thing a kid likes to brag about, Coop.” He ran his hands through his damp hair. “She was a mess, everyone knew that, but they didn’t know why. I just let people go on thinkin’ she was an alcoholic. It was easier than tryin’ to explain the truth.”

“What ever happened to her?” Aiden asked quietly, suddenly feeling guilty that he didn’t know.

“She took an overdose of pills about five years ago. She just couldn’t take livin’ that way anymore. I can’t say I blame her.”

“Jesus, Neil, listen to me. You gotta get help. You’re not your mother, and you don’t have to live like this. You have money, resources—”

“Yeah, which means I have a hell of a lot more to lose than she did. Aside from me, she had nothin’ to live for, and when hockey started to take over my life, I let her know in no uncertain terms that I didn’t need to deal with her bullshit anymore.” His face lost color and he pinched his lips together. “She was sick, but I didn’t get that. I was angry, and I wanted to blame someone for my shitty childhood. I couldn’t blame my old man ’cause he wasn’t around, so she was the only target I could take aim at.”

“You can’t blame yourself. Anyone probably would have reacted the same way in your position.”

“Would you?” He let the question sink in before he asked, “If your mother was dealing with mental illness, would you leave her alone to fend for herself like I did?”

Aiden couldn’t respond, because he knew it would be like rubbing salt in a gaping wound and that wasn’t fair.

“Of course you wouldn’t, and we both know it. You’ve always been a good son. Hell, you’re a good guy. Not like me. The only person I ever cared about was myself. Even now, I’ve spent the last eight years tryin’ to guilt my wife into stayin’ in this marriage ’cause it was what I wanted. I didn’t care about what she wanted. Who does that?”

“Someone’s who scared, desperate…” He sat back on the couch and crossed his boot over his knee as he regarded his old friend carefully. “I don’t blame you. Sela doesn’t blame you. You’ve gotta stop blamin’ yourself. It’s not healthy.”

“You don’t blame me for marryin’ your woman, huh?” He smiled. “Why do I find that hard to believe?”

“There’s plenty of blame to go around, and honestly, it doesn’t even matter anymore. What’s done is done. We can’t change the past. The question is, where do we go from here?”

“You obviously wanna get back with Sela.” When Aiden didn’t respond, he said, “If she wants a divorce, I won’t contest it. The least I can do is let her go without a fight. After all, she’s the only one who’s stood by me.” He looked up and their eyes met. “Well, in a long time anyways.”