Tracie Peterson (9 page)

“You mean like He had it under control for Kim and Travis?”

“Look, you’re upset, and rightfully so. I don’t want to
argue with you about this. Kim and Travis will need us to help them through this.”

“Yeah, well, who’s going to help us through it?” Tess turned on her heel and headed for the foyer. “I knew this was too good to be true.”

Brad followed her into the hall and interceded when Tess went to lift her own bag. “Tess, you shouldn’t let yourself get all upset about our situation. Nothing has happened.”

“Yet,” Tess replied. “But it could. We could find ourselves in the same situation, Brad. Doesn’t that worry you in the least?”

“I suppose it concerns me, but no, it doesn’t worry me. I want a baby just as much as you do, but I would want it to be the right situation. Wouldn’t you rather a child be with their birth mother and father if they could be?”

“No,” Tess replied flatly. “Not if those parents are unfit. How can a teenager offer Laney what Kim and Travis could give that child? Those kids will probably marry and divorce within the next few years. You know the odds aren’t with them. Kim and Travis are stable and solid. They have financial security and a home already established.

“And, as you well know,” Tess continued, “I’m a prime example of a situation where a biological parent was not the better choice for my upbringing.”

“Sweetheart—”

“Don’t ‘sweetheart’ me!” Tess yelled. “I don’t need to hear any more of this. I’m sorry you ever talked me into the idea of adoption. I want you to call Justin now and tell him we’ve changed our minds.”

Tess ran to the sanctuary of her bedroom and slammed the door. There was no way in the world she was going to set herself up for the kind of pain Kim was enduring.

The image of Brad’s pain-filled expression caused Tess to draw a deep breath. She’d shut him out again. She’d made this sorrow all about herself, her fears. When was she going to stop doing that?

But this
is
about me. It’s about me and my fears and my lack of faith
. She walked to the window and tried to focus on anything that would take her mind off what had just happened.
Oh, God, I’m so scared. I’m so scared for Kim and for myself and Brad. I feel so inadequate to handle this. I try to trust you, I really do. My faith is just weak. I’ve grown up attending church, but I’ve not grown up spiritually
.

Her biggest sorrow was how she’d treated Brad. She knew he wanted to adopt a child—knew that he didn’t care if the baby was biologically related or not. Tess thought back to what Laura had said about her love for her boys. She said it didn’t matter. Tess really wanted to believe that. She could almost persuade herself that it was true, but then the reality of Kim’s situation darkened her dreams with a kind of hopelessness. And that hopelessness made her more angry with Brad than sympathetic. Adoption was Brad’s idea, and it was easier to be angry with him for causing her to let down her guard than it was to trust that everything would work out.

“God, you can’t leave me here,” Tess whispered against the window. “You just can’t leave me here. I’ll never make it.”

CHAPTER 8

For the next three days Tess barely spoke a single word to Brad. Hurting and confused, she wanted no part of his comfort or advice. In truth, she wasn’t sure how to deal with her husband. She was such a contrast of emotions and thoughts. One minute she was certain Brad was right and that God would make their situation different, and in the next minute she was hopelessly mired down with a sense of discouragement that went clear to the bone.

Without the strength to fight it, a depression overcame Tess in such a manner that she found little interest in anything. Her work suffered as she allowed call after call to go unanswered. When the answering machine finally filled up, Tess simply removed the tape and turned off the machine. She didn’t care what happened.

In her heart, Tess knew she was blaming Brad for her pain. He held responsibility, but only marginally behind the blame she assigned to God. Why wasn’t God fixing things? Where was the peace He promised? Her anger and sorrow, combined with the guilt she felt for alienating her heavenly Father, only added to her depression.

Day after day, Tess sought solace in sleep. It was really all she wanted to do. She knew it was ridiculous to seek comfort in her dreams, however, as she spent more time in nightmarish memories than in peaceful slumber.

The bedside telephone rang several times before Tess could rouse herself enough to answer it. Rolling over to see what time it was, she was stunned to see that the hour was so late. It was already three o’clock in the afternoon.

“Hello?” she said, trying not to sound too groggy.

“Tess, it’s Laura Johnson.”

“Hi, Laura.”

“You sound awful. Have you caught yourself a cold from your trip up here?”

“No,” Tess answered and struggled to sit up. Yawning, she covered the mouthpiece and tried to think of what to say. “I’ve just been tired.”

“Well, I know how that can be,” Laura said with a chuckle. “Look, the reason I’m calling is because Darren thinks we can be ready to roll by the twenty-fifth of May. Can you go ahead and arrange for the movers?”

“Sure,” Tess said without any enthusiasm for the discussion. “They’ll want to come over and see what you have for them to move. Are you going to have them pack everything or just move boxes and furniture that’s already been prepared?”

“I’d just as soon turn it over to them. Adam will be here by then and we figure he can help us condense everything into one or two rooms. The movers shouldn’t find it too hard to take care of if it’s all together.”

“Okay.” Tess rubbed her eyes. “I’ll see to it.”

“Tess, if you don’t mind my asking,” Laura began, “is something wrong?”

Tess fully intended to say no, but instead found herself suddenly telling Laura her woes. “My friend lost her baby. The adoption went sour and the birth mother demanded the child back.”

“I’m so sorry,” Laura replied. “I’m sure this has caused you a great deal of trepidation.”

Tess realized in that statement that Laura understood. She wasn’t going to chide Tess as Brad had done, nor would Laura condemn Tess for her fears.

“I can hardly face the day, and Brad and I haven’t spoken since I came home from Kansas City and he told me the news.”

“How awful. He must be feeling his share of fears as well.”

“I don’t know about that. He thinks I’m being stupid. He doesn’t understand why I refuse to go forward with our own adoption after seeing what’s happened to our friends.”

“You’ve put a stop to adopting a baby?” Laura questioned.

“I certainly don’t want to go through what Kim did. She’s a basket case. The doctor has had to sedate her. She won’t see me or anyone else. I guess that was enough to send me to my own bed,” Tess admitted. “I’ve been worthless since this whole thing started. I haven’t answered the business phone or even bothered with clients.”

“I figured there was at least a problem with the phone line,” Laura told her. “I tried the business phone but it just rang and rang. That’s why I called on your personal line. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not,” Tess said. “You’re a friend.”

“Am I, Tess? I’d really like to be.”

Tess fidgeted with the telephone cord. The implication in any definition of friendship was that they would share certain aspects of their lives together. Right now, Tess didn’t feel like sharing anything with anyone.

“I want your friendship, Laura. I just don’t feel much like a friend to anyone right now. I’m angry at Brad for talking me into adopting and I’m angry at myself for not having stuck to my original feelings. Then I get mad at myself for being upset with Brad, knowing that he was just trying to help us to have a child. On top of that I’m mad at God because He could have kept this from happening and didn’t.”

“So God’s the bad guy because He allowed bad things to happen to good people, is that it?”

“Well, aren’t we supposed to have some sort of guarantee when we accept salvation?” Tess asked earnestly. She’d battled with this thought for days now.

“We have a guarantee. We have Jesus and He’s all the guarantee we need.”

“But what about the evil in this world? Aren’t we supposed to be protected from it? I remember hearing sermons that talked about God’s protection from evil.”

“How was this baby being returned to its mother an evil thing?” Laura asked.

“Well, maybe it wasn’t evil, but it was very painful and very wrong,” Tess replied. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed. “My friend Kim loved that baby more than life itself. She was happy. Her husband was happy, and I believe that baby was happy.”

“Tess, we can’t always know why bad things happen. Sometimes we see they happen from a clear case of disobedience to God’s Word. Other times bad things happen because of poor choices and not seeking proper direction. But sometimes we just don’t have answers.

“It’s like one time when Adam and Aaron were little, they wanted to go on a ski trip with their youth group. I prayed about it and felt it wasn’t the right thing to do. I told them no. They asked why and I had to be honest. I told them I didn’t know. Darren even tried to change my mind, but I told him I felt strange about the entire matter. I don’t know if you remember that incident or not, but the youth group went on the trip and several of the kids and two leaders were killed in an avalanche.”

Tess nodded. “I remember.”

“Darren was the first to say that I had saved the kids by acting on my feelings. He credited those feelings to God, but, Tess, in my heart I was weeping. Even though everyone who died was a Christian, I still cried at the injustice of it all. Why hadn’t God simply warned everyone off of the trip? Why hadn’t He interceded to save my friends’ lives and the lives of their children?”

“And what conclusion did you come to?” Tess questioned, eagerly needing to know the answer.

“That God is God. He will save whom He will save, and He will take those He will take. It’s not something I understand, but it’s something I can live with. He has a plan for you, Tess. A good plan.”

“I’d like to believe that, but given the circumstances of my entire life, I don’t know how I can,” Tess replied. “I was born to a junkie, enduring perils and dangers to keep my mother
supplied with drugs. I suffered beatings and abuse, then left the only home I knew to go into foster care. I didn’t know anyone there, I felt afraid and alone. Even though my mother was a nightmare to live with, at least I knew her—knew her patterns and her habits.

“I’ve lived through adoption and the fears that go along with it. I’ve lived through ten years of being unable to conceive a child. And even though I have a good job and loving husband, I just don’t see my life as being that good.”

“That’s the anger and pain in you talking,” Laura replied softly. “You know very well that you are blessed. You simply don’t want to admit to it right now because that would make you feel even more obvious in your temper tantrum.”

Tess fell silent. How dare Laura accuse her of throwing a fit? She was hurting and her heart was nearly broken for her friend. How did that add up to be a temper tantrum?

“I know you probably didn’t want to hear that,” Laura continued. “I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings, but honestly, Tess, you can’t always have your own way. I know you want a child and I want a child for you. But I believe God has a good plan for you. I believe He loves you no less today than He did three days ago when you were happy.”

Tess felt tears come to her eyes. “But He seems so far away.”

“If He does,” Laura replied, “it’s not because of any moving He did. If you’ve run away from Him in order to sulk and rage, you have only to ask for His presence and you’ll find Him at your side. He loves you, Tess, and He wants the best for you.”

“I do want to believe that.” Tess wiped at the tears that now flowed down her cheeks.

“Then believe it. Jeremiah 29:11 says, ‘ “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ’ He wants to give you hope, Tess. But you have to be willing to take it.”

“It’s so hard.”

“Nobody ever said it would be easy,” Laura stated. “Look, I’m going to be praying in earnest for you and I want you to pray as well. I’m going to call you every day and see how you’re doing.”

“Why would you want to do that?” Tess asked, sniffing back her tears.

“Because we’re friends, remember? You agreed to that idea and now I’m sealing the bargain. Friends stand by each other and they pray each other through the bad times and they rejoice in praise through the good.”

Tess felt the older woman’s love and concern wash over her damaged spirit. “All right, Laura,” she finally answered. “I’ll do what I can.”

“That’s all that’s required. We do our part, and God does His. It’s when we go trying to take on both roles that we get ourselves into trouble. Just remember that.”

“I will,” Tess agreed. “Although I’m sure to need a lot of practice in knowing the difference.”

Laura chuckled. “No more or less than the rest of us, Tessera. Like your name, you are but one piece in a magnificent masterpiece. God has perfectly ordered this work—He won’t forget about your part. He won’t leave any space, no matter how large or small, undone.”

CHAPTER 9

“Sherry, I have no choice but to put you into the county detention center,” Judge Woodsby stated.

Sherry eyed the woman with great hostility. At three months pregnant, Sherry had been suffering from terrible bouts of nausea. The last thing she needed to hear was that she would be removed from her emergency foster home and put in detention.

Sherry shuddered. The thought of detention made her want to beg for mercy. Everyone knew that detention was where the criminal cases were put. Sherry might well be delinquent and on occasion a bit violent, but she wasn’t a criminal. Not unless you counted the thirteen times she’d shoplifted or the money she’d stolen from her foster parents.

“Why can’t I just stay at the place I’m at now?” Sherry questioned. She knew the temporary location was only for emergency cases, but it was a sweet deal. The woman and man were really pretty decent, although the woman fussed too much over Sherry and her pregnancy. Sherry couldn’t understand why the woman should be such a pain about it when Sherry fully intended to abort the baby.